Photo of me getting Jerry Seinfeld’s autograph at a 1993 Los Angeles book signing. And yes, I know…I do appear to be wearing a puffy shirt.
Years ago, when I lived in L.A., I went to see a live taping of Seinfeld—which, as a huge fan of the show, was an amazing and unforgettable life experience. But what made it most unforgettable—and regrettable—all these years later was something that didn’t happen that night.
During a break in the taping, the warm-up guy, whose job it was to keep the audience entertained in between scenes, said: “It’s time for some Seinfeld trivia! If you can tell me the middle name of Elaine Benes, you will win this Seinfeld T-shirt!” Having watched and pretty much memorized every single episode (I had taped them all on my VCR; yes, of course, on VHS tapes), I knew for 100 percent certain that the answer was Marie.
However, while other audience members randomly and stupidly shouted out one wrong guess after another, I sat there in anxious silence…not saying a word. Despite busting inside to shout out “Elaine Marie Benes!” and claim my prize, I suddenly started doubting myself. And, as an extreme introvert who was too shy and terrified to speak in public, I was afraid of the possibility of being wrong and embarrassing myself in front of this group of strangers who didn’t know me, wouldn’t have cared, and whom I would never see again. My introversion, lack of confidence, and self-doubt kept me from taking a chance. Within two minutes, time was up, no one won the prize, and that window of opportunity slammed shut forever. As the Soup Nazi might have put it, there would be “No shirt for you!”
So…what kept me from winning that Seinfeld souvenir that I wanted so badly? Absolutely nothing…except for a lack of trust in myself, the fear of being wrong, and my self-imposed inability to speak in public. That night, I wish that I had remembered the words of President Franklin Delano Roosevelt: “The only thing we have to fear…is fear itself.” For, it was fear, and fear alone, that kept me from seizing an opportunity that was all mine to take.
I had briefly mentioned this incident earlier (when discussing the CAP: “Confidence, Assertiveness, and Presence” model in Chapter 7), but it bears repeating with just a little more detail, as this was such an impactful episode in my life, with such a transformative, and universal, lesson.
A number of years after the Seinfeld incident, I was working in New York as part of a six-person consulting team for a London-based leadership development training company. For each program we delivered to our client—let’s just call them “Vandelay Industries”—they would appoint someone to serve as the Team Lead. Only, even after working for them for two years, and feeling that my skills were as good as, if not better than, some of the others’, I was never—not once—named to be the Team Lead. And every single time that I wasn’t, I grew more and more annoyed, frustrated, and resentful. “I can’t believe they passed me over again!” I would say to myself and complain to my wife.
And then, one day, after being overlooked once more, feeling demoralized and depressed, I finally worked up the courage and the confidence to approach our supervisor—let’s call her “Sally,” which is not her real name. I tried not to come across as pissed-off, but I desperately needed an answer, as this constant rejection was starting to take its toll on my self-esteem. Our conversation went like this:
Todd: “Sally, can I speak with you for a minute. I’ve been doing this job for two years, and yet in all this time I have never once been named the Team Lead. So, I was just wondering why.”
Sally: “Would you like to be a Team Lead?”
Todd: “Yes, of course!”
Sally: “Done! You can be the Team Lead on our next program that starts in two weeks.”
Todd: “That’s it? How come you never made me a Team Lead before?”
Sally: “Because you never asked.”
Because you never asked. That was it. That was the entire reason. And it speaks to an incredibly valuable lesson, one that has stayed with me ever since.
The bottom line is that, very often, if we don’t ask, we may not get. Yes, of course it is always nicer to be invited without having to ask, and sometimes we may feel, “Well, they should know; I shouldn’t have to ask.” But the reality is, everyone is in their own world and living in their own head—and not inside ours. People are not mind readers. This is such an important point that I’ll say it again: People-Are-Not-Mind-Readers. If we want something, or need something, whether it is a Seinfeld T-shirt or a job assignment, or if you are a manager who just magically expects people to do things a certain way, or if you expect that your partner should just, automatically, “know” what you’re thinking—if we don’t speak up and speak out, and express what we want and need, we often have no one to blame but ourselves. It is entirely up to us to get others to “see what we’re saying.”
And I think you’ll find that doing so—speaking up and speaking out for yourself, risking rejection, and simply raising your hand—will open the door to all kinds of opportunities you never thought possible. As the saying goes, when it comes to making sales, every “no” you receive brings you one step closer to a “yes.” And, as Eleanor Roosevelt wrote in her wonderful book, You Learn By Living:
Fear has always seemed to me to be the worst stumbling block which anyone has to face…. The encouraging thing is that every time you meet a situation, though you may think at the time it is an impossibility…once you have met it and lived through it, you find that forever after you are freer than you ever were before. If you can live through that, you can live through anything. You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, ‘I have lived through this…I can take the next thing that comes along.’ You must do the thing you think you cannot do.
So, while there would be “no shirt for me” that night of the Seinfeld taping, and while I wasted almost two years frustratingly waiting to be picked for a role that I wanted, when all I would have needed to do was ask, I learned the hard way that “if you want something, say something.”
And, though I am a very different person today than I was way back then, I will never forget, and always regret, the shirt that got away.
In Review
The Big Lesson: It is entirely within our power to speak up, speak out, and “claim our prize.” And yet, too many times, we let fear and self-doubt get in the way…causing us to miss out on valuable and potentially life-changing opportunities. Yet that can all change—not overnight, but over time—if you are willing to work on it. Take it from me: if I was able to do it, anyone can.
The Big Question: Reflect back on a time when you didn’t speak up when you could have, and therefore missed out on an opportunity. Are there similar situations you could approach differently today? What will you do in the future to make sure that this doesn’t happen to you, or to others you know, ever again?
Your Insight:
Your Action: