PTBD
(Post-Traumatic Boss Disorder)
“The worst is not, so long as we can say ‘This is the worst.’”
—William Shakespeare; King Lear, Act 4, Scene 1
That manager who threw the box of pens at my head wasn’t the only “BFH” (“Boss From Hell”) I’ve ever worked for. Unfortunately, there were many others. Way too many others. Almost as bad as the pain they caused is the painful memories—and the awful feelings—that still linger years later.
I was attending a conference when I glanced across the room and saw, sitting directly across from me, Ms. “X”: one of the three worst managers I’ve ever had, and one of the most vile human beings I’ve ever met in my life. Worse than being incompetent, passive-aggressive, and power-hungry, she was mean, vicious, scary, sadistic, and abusive, and she made my life (and many of my colleagues’ lives) a living hell. And she seemed to enjoy every minute of it.
But here’s the crazy thing: Even though it had been exactly twenty years since I worked for her and last saw her, the instant I recognized her, every single one of those terrifying feelings I used to suffer while working for this evil woman immediately came flooding back. My body jolted into “fight, flight, or freeze” mode. Within seconds, I grew sick to my stomach, as if I were going to throw up. I started sweating profusely, my heart pounded through my chest, and my hands started to shake uncontrollably. I was having a full-fledged anxiety attack. Unable to catch my breath, I got up from my seat, legs wobbling, and bolted out of the room to compose myself in the men’s room.
It was incredible: here I was, a successful and confident fifty-something-year-old business professional and college professor, suddenly reduced—in an instant—to a quivering abuse victim suffering from a post-traumatic stress reaction. Even though she no longer held any power or control over me, my mind and my body reacted involuntarily as if she did.
Amazingly, here is a person who made my life so unbelievably miserable and torturous, and who I can never forget; and, yet, if I had to put money on it, I would bet that if she saw me, she would neither recognize me nor remember who I was.
So, if you are a manager, due to the position and power you hold, your words and deeds will be magnified a thousandfold. And, in any relationship, it’s good to keep in mind the potential emotional consequences—both positive and negative—of anything and everything we say and do.
Dale Carnegie, author of the classic book How to Win Friends and Influence People, noted that what we say to someone, we may forget a few minutes later…but those words could remain with that other person for the rest of their lives. Similarly, the poet Maya Angelou famously said, “I’ve learned that people will forget what you said. People will forget what you did. But people will never forget how you made them feel.”
And I never experienced a truer and more powerful example of that than what I experienced upon encountering my former boss that day.
Even twenty years later, as William Faulkner once wrote, “The past is never dead. It’s not even past.”
In Review
The Big Lesson: In all of your relationships, and in every interaction, be consciously aware of what you say, how you say it, what you do, and how you act; for the impact of your words and actions, and how you treat people—regardless of your intentions—can have meaning and consequences above and beyond, and long after, what you can even imagine.
The Big Question: In what situations and in what relationships may you want to be more cognizant of how your words and/or actions are coming across? Have you ever had an experience comparable to the one I described? What can you take from your memory as you revisit it?
Your Big Insight:
Your Big Action: