Frankie entered the cafe and looked around. Jen waved at her from a booth, so she made her way over, carefully weaving between tables and chairs, trying not to fall over people’s shopping bags and small children.
‘It’s so busy!’ she said when she’d returned her friend’s hug.
‘Christmas is almost upon us, Frankie, what do you expect?’
Just over three weeks had passed since Freya and Jonas had returned to Norway. In that time, Frankie had moved her client list on to colleagues, tied up the loose ends from her business and dealt with all the paperwork with the bank and solicitors. It felt good to free herself from the career she’d never wanted, if terrifying letting go of the security it had given her.
Jen flicked her long blonde hair then ran her fingers though it before pulling it over her left shoulder. She was, as always, flawlessly made-up from her smoky-grey eyes to her plumped-up pink lips.
‘What is it? Why’re you staring? Have I got a rash from the threading?’ Jen’s eyes widened as she ran a long finger over her top lip, the tiny diamond on her manicured nail glinting in the light.
‘No, no rash.’ Frankie shook her head. ‘You look amazing, as always.’
Jen grinned. ‘I’m all ready for the holidays. I’m hoping Henry will surprise me with a sunshine break, to be honest. I’ve dropped enough hints and… just in case he does… I’ve been waxed, threaded, tanned and bleached, so I am bikini ready, baby!’ She flashed her pure white teeth and fluttered her fake eyelashes.
‘You’ve only just got back from Florida, Jen.’ Frankie laughed. They hadn’t been able to get together until now because Frankie had been so busy with sorting her life out and Jen had been away with her sister in America.
‘I know but this would be a holiday for Henry and me to have some alone time. We need to get working on our baby plans.’
‘Well, let’s hope Santa does leave you a break in the Bahamas in your stocking.’
Jen wrinkled her nose. ‘Oh God, don’t talk to me about stockings! That’s all Henry wants right now… you know… the full shebang.’
Frankie frowned.
‘You know… stockings, suspenders, basque. I don’t know what’s got into him.’
Frankie nodded, hoping the women at the next table had gone quiet because they were eating and not because they were eavesdropping.
‘Remember a few Christmases ago when I had a whole load of… leather gear under the tree because he’d seen me reading Fifty Shades and thought that was what I’d want?’ She rolled her eyes. ‘The last book I read was a Mary Berry cookbook, so am I going to find a white wig and apron in my stocking?’
‘Probably a new bakeware set.’
They laughed together then, causing one of the women at the other table to cast them a curious glance.
‘Ooh I’ve missed you, Frankie. How are you, darling?’
Frankie gave her a quick rundown about Freya and Jonas and their visit to London. She had spoken to Jen on the phone but not wanted to go into detail about everything because it still felt too raw. Watching them leave at the airport had cut her deeply.
‘How’re you feeling about everything? It must be amazing to meet your mother after all that time.’
‘It was. And she’s just so lovely, Jen. She’s sweet, kind and beautiful. She has her own art gallery and she’s doing really well. When she came back with me and was reunited with Dad… even though it was just for a few days… well, it was just better than I could have hoped for.’
‘Why? You don’t think they still have feelings for each other, do you?’
‘Without a doubt. What will come of it, I have no idea, but at least they can be civil.’
‘It must’ve been strange for them to see each other after all that time?’
‘I have no doubt that it was but they also seemed… really happy to be reunited.’
‘Wow. Just wow! What about you?’
‘What about me?’
‘Are you happy to see them like that? Will you see more of your mother now?’
Around them people chatted to friends and loved ones, children squealed, laughed and cried. The noise was comforting, it showed that life continued whatever was happening in Frankie’s world, that the emptiness inside her because she missed her mother – and, if she was being fully honest, because she missed Jonas – hadn’t affected anyone else. The familiar carols that drifted from the speakers and the hum from the cappuccino machine all added to this belief, and Frankie knew that whatever happened now, she would survive. She was a survivor. She had got this far and surely life looked a lot better now than it had before?
Frankie nodded. ‘Yes on both counts. It’s far too early to say if my parents have any romantic inclinations, and they have things to sort out – my mother said they need to do a lot of talking – but some contact is better than no contact. And they were just so natural together. I guess it helped that Grandma wasn’t around and Dad was more relaxed.’
‘It would be like one of those magazine stories if they got back together. You could give Hello a call.’
‘I doubt Hello would be interested in it and even if they were, I think my parents are both too private to want their lives splashed across the pages of a magazine.’
‘But you have to admit that it’s romantic.’
‘I guess so. Or it would be if it hadn’t all caused so much pain and sadness over the years.’
‘They have lost out on a lot of time, haven’t they?’
‘Thirty years when they could have been together, possibly had more children and when I could have had a mum.’
‘At least she’s in your life now.’ Jen squeezed her hand. ‘How’s your grandmother?’
Frankie winced. She hadn’t told Jen about her grandmother’s role in it all yet; she was still trying to process Grandma’s atrocious behaviour herself. ‘She’s OK. The doctor says she’s getting stronger every day but she looks so different in that hospital bed. It’s difficult visiting her because she’s not the old battleaxe I know so well.’
‘How was she about your mother being back?’
‘Well… see, she was partly… actually, mainly responsible for my mother leaving in the first place.’
‘What?’ Jen’s eyebrows shot to her hairline.
Frankie explained what had happened when her mother left and Jen listened carefully. When Frankie had finished, Jen’s eyes glistened with tears.
‘That’s so sad, Frankie. And yet… does it make you feel better to know that your mother didn’t walk out on you… because she didn’t love you?’
‘Oh yes, a lot better, obviously. But I feel so sorry for her because she was pushed into leaving.’
‘So, your grandmother really is a battleaxe.’
‘I was so angry when I first found out about it but my mother said I need to let it go. She has. She said that holding on to the grief and anger will just hurt me in the long run, and that even if I can’t forget, I need to put it to one side.’
‘And you’re back together now, so she’s probably right. Do you also feel angry towards your dad?’
‘For not standing up to Grandma?’
Jen nodded.
‘Yes. I wanted to scream at him and ask why he didn’t fight for his wife, but now… after seeing them together, I know there’s no point. Dad was compromised because Grandma made him believe that she’d take me away from him too. He was also afraid that if he went after my mother she wouldn’t want him and he couldn’t face that rejection, couldn’t cope alone with a young baby and the recriminations that would have followed from Grandma. He might have made the wrong decision but it was the one he thought was right at the time.’
‘Poor Hugo.’
‘He’s a good man but he made a mistake and he’s clearly punished himself over the years for it. He never even got divorced, let alone remarried, never even dated as far as I know, and I’m convinced it was because he loved my mother so much.’
‘I hope they get back together at some point. It sounds like they should.’
Frankie shrugged. ‘I’m just happy to know that they don’t hate each other and can be friends. That’s all I ever wanted growing up, and to know that my mother was there. I’m looking forward to spending more time with her.’
‘Will you go back to Oslo?’
‘Hopefully in the new year.’
A pang of longing pierced Frankie’s chest as she thought of the beautiful city and the Norwegian countryside, of the possibility of seeing the northern lights properly and getting to know Jonas. If he wanted to get to know her better, that was.
‘Anyway, tell me more about this Jonas.’ Jen cocked an eyebrow.
‘Nothing to tell, really.’ Frankie dropped her gaze to the table and toyed with a packet of brown sugar, turning it over and over until Jen stopped her hand.
‘I’ve known you for a very long time, Frankie, and when you say something like that I know he must mean something to you.’
‘Jonas is… kind, caring and a talented photographer.’
‘And gorgeous?’
‘He looks like Thor. Or a Viking.’
‘Thor? You mean the actor who plays Thor?’
‘Yes. I guess so.’
‘Or a Viking?’
‘Yes.’
‘Do you have a photo?’
Frankie pulled her mobile from her pocket and scrolled through the photographs. She’d taken some in Norway and some while Jonas had been in London, and she looked for the best one of his face. Gazing at him made her heart ache and she hoped it wouldn’t show in her expression, so she forced her lips into a smile.
‘Here you go. This was when we went to see the northern lights and met some of the huskies.’
Jen took her phone and looked at the screen then enlarged the photo with her thumb and forefinger. She raised her eyes slowly and smiled.
‘He’s gorgeous. Did you…?’
‘Oh no. Nothing like that.’
‘Why not? I would.’
‘No, you wouldn’t. You’re married.’
‘If I were single.’
‘But you’re not and I’m only just single.’
‘You’ve always been single in your heart.’
Frankie met her friend’s gaze and swallowed hard. Jen had hit the nail on the head; she hadn’t really ever fully committed to Rolo and that had been part of the problem. But neither had he fully committed to her.
‘Yes, but I have just come out of a relationship where I was engaged. I ran away from my own wedding.’ She shook her head, still stunned that she’d done it.
‘You did but you did it for the right reasons.’ Jen sipped her coffee. ‘Have you looked on Facebook recently?’
‘Not for a few weeks.’ She hadn’t wanted to see what people were up to, to read about their joys and to see their edited photographs of perfect lives and families. Usually, she could cope with it but at the moment, she didn’t feel she had the strength. Her heart had been too full of her own family and of her uncertainty about Jonas and what she wanted from him.
‘Oh… uh…’
‘What is it?’
‘Rolo’s moved on.’
‘Yes, I know that. With Lorna.’
Jen shook her head. ‘No, he’s with someone else now.’
‘Bloody hell! Who?’
‘Some actress who was staying in the villa adjacent to his and Lorna’s.’
‘Is Lorna OK?’
‘Yeah…’ Jen waved a hand. ‘You know her, it’s probably all a PR stunt anyway. She adores some media exposure, that one.’
‘So Rolo’s dating an actress and Lorna’s newly single?’
‘For five minutes. She’ll bounce back and be jolly good in no time at all.’
Frankie nodded, knowing Jen was right. Lorna had hopped from bed to bed for as long as Frankie had known her. Men, women, older, younger; it was all the same for Lorna. But Rolo’s behaviour had surprised her. Had their relationship stopped him from being the lothario he’d always wanted to be, or had he merely hidden it from her?
‘Do you think that Rolo was… seeing other women when we were together?’
Jen’s eyes darted right then left and colour rose in her cheeks.
‘Jen?’
‘I’m so sorry, Frankie. I didn’t know for sure and I didn’t want to ruin it all for you. I hoped he’d settle down once you were married, that once he put a ring on your finger, he’d be faithful.’
Frankie frowned. ‘I wish you’d told me. I could have married him and he’d have been carrying on behind my back. Bloody hell, Jen, I must’ve been a laughing stock.’
‘I don’t think many people knew; he was, at least, discreet. But I only found out recently and only knew about one… OK, two… women it was rumoured he’d been seeing. I should have told you and I’m so sorry.’
Frankie shrugged. ‘It doesn’t matter now though, does it? However, knowing he was a love rat does make me feel a bit better about calling off the wedding.’
‘Of course it does. It should.’
But where did it leave her and Jonas? Nowhere was where. She’d still just emerged from an engagement and even if her fiancé had been cheating, it didn’t change the decision she’d made to take some time for her, to find herself. Jonas was a decent man and he could be a good friend but that was all that lay ahead for them. He’d made that clear at the airport. Frankie needed to take some time to enjoy being with her parents, to get to know them properly and to decide what to do about her life. She had big decisions to make and getting her new career sorted was a good place to start.
‘So, what will you do now?’ Jen handed her mobile back. ‘I do think you’d make a great couple. You with your pretty eyes and brown hair and him with his blond hair and… ooh, that big muscular frame.’
‘Jonas is just a friend and it’ll never be more than that, Jen. But I do need to make some big decisions about my life and what I want to do from here on in. In fact, remember I told you I’d like to design clothes…’
As the Christmas songs played, the waitress set spiced mince pies and fresh frothy lattes in front of them and Frankie told Jen about her fashion design dreams and how Jonas was going to show the photographs of the range to an acquaintance. And she started to believe that this could be a Christmas wish that might actually come true.
Outside the cafe, Jen had hugged Frankie then hurried away to meet another friend for afternoon drinks. Frankie could have gone too, but she didn’t fancy drinking and sitting around in a club. She needed some time to collect her thoughts about everything. She also didn’t want to go straight home, so decided to have a wander around the shops instead.
Regent Street was packed and she had to weave her way through the crowds of shoppers keen to grab last minute gifts on the final Saturday before Christmas. She made her way to the cream front and red awnings of Hamleys and gazed into the first window that she came to. A snow-covered scene greeted her, where fat fluffy penguins wearing hats and scarves frolicked beneath a large Christmas tree. The lights on the tree twinkled and made the glitter in the snow sparkle. It was beautiful.
The next window showed the inside of a drawing room where Santa Claus sat in front of a roaring fire. The room was decked with gold and red tinsel and a large Christmas tree stood in the corner. Gifts were piled around the tree, wrapped in a rainbow of foil paper and decorated with large golden bows. The window in the room was flung open and outside was the perfect festive scene that spanned London rooftops covered in snow. The full moon glowed in the background and in front of it the silhouette of a sleigh pulled by reindeer could be seen. Goose pimples rose on Frankie’s arms as she took in all the details of the scene. It evoked a combination of memories and she remembered how wonderful it had been to snuggle next to Jonas in the sleigh as it had whisked them through the Norwegian snow. She could also recall the excitement of childhood Christmases when she’d wonder if Santa would visit their home and what he would bring. Of course, every year she had wished that he’d bring her mother home, and she could remember promising him – as she sat in front of the fireplace in the drawing room and placed her letter to Santa in front of the grate – that if he brought Freya home, she would wish for nothing else.
She shook her head, sad for the child she had once been. She moved on from Hamleys and breathed in the smells of December, the cold air, the aromas of food cooking in the streets – from hot dogs to crêpes to the rich spices of mulled wine – and watched the people who hurried on by. They were so busy, so focused on their task, that they didn’t notice her watching and she felt anonymous, something that she didn’t mind at all. She’d spent so much of her life under a spotlight because of her grandmother, always watching her behaviour and thinking of the family reputation, when inside she’d ached for what she didn’t have. But now, she had that, she had been reunited with her mother and it was as if all her Christmas wishes had finally come true.
She paused in front of a perfume shop to admire the Christmas lights that adorned the buildings and street lamps, all of them twinkling in the now dark afternoon, then she spotted a Salvation Army band about to start up. In their dark coats and hats with red scarves, they looked smart and it made Frankie smile. All the wonderful traditions and familiar sights of London in December seemed better than ever before, brighter even, as if being reunited with her mother had removed the filters that she’d viewed the world through. As the opening notes of ‘In the Bleak Midwinter’ rang out, Frankie smiled, her heart gladdened by the music and by life. She fished around in her bag for some change which she dropped into the collection bucket then she stood there and watched them for the next half an hour, swaying along to their musical set and soaking up the atmosphere of Regent Street at Christmas.
And as snowflakes began to drift down from the sky, Frankie appreciated exactly what it was to live entirely in the moment.