Everything in Maddy’s house was looking suddenly better. Everything in Maddy’s life was looking suddenly better. And she knew why. Ben.
It was only hours since he had left and already he had made a difference. Just thinking about him, how positive he had been, the way he had gently rubbed her injured wrist, the sincerity in his eyes. The flowers hadn’t hurt either. A huge bouquet, lilies and gladioli and some tall, thick-stalked things with beautiful open petals that she didn’t know the name of but that looked lovely. There wasn’t a vase big enough in the house, so she had used an old rusting watering can she had found in the back garden. Now they were taking up most of her dressing table, and she had to say they looked gorgeous.
The card was standing next to them. Thank you for a wonderful time. Can’t wait to see you again. Ben. And some kisses.
No one had bought her flowers before. Not even a tongue-tied teenage boyfriend spending his pocket money on things that grown-ups would buy to impress a girl. She’d never had one of them. She’d never had a boyfriend at all. Not a proper one. Not really. There had been boys during her teens, but they had mainly been friends. A few kisses and an exploratory furtive fumble after a school disco one night, but that was it. Nothing more than that. Not before she had come to university.
Not before Hugo Gwilym.
Talk about in at the deep end.
She smiled. Hugo would have hated to hear her use such an obvious cliché. Maybe she should use them more often. As a tiny act of revenge. Her own little way of getting back at him.
But there were better ways. What was that about living well being the best revenge? Was that another cliché? Probably. In fact, definitely. But did it matter? She looked at the flowers once more. And smiled. No. It didn’t.
Living well. Just twenty-four hours ago she hadn’t wanted to be living at all. And she had the slashes on her wrist to prove it. But miraculously, in such a short space of time Ben had changed all that.
She took a shower, her head whirling, struggling to process everything that had happened. She was happy. She knew that much. She must be: even the normally scuzzy, freezing, mildewed bathroom didn’t seem too off-putting to her.
Ben had come along at just the right time. Her knight in shining armour. Cliché alert! She smiled. Hugo seemed to recede further into the distance. How had she ever fallen for him? Because he was impressive. That was why. For one thing he was older than her, and because of her background she had always had unresolved father issues.
Her mother came from a good family, a good home. But she had a rebellious streak. When she was sixteen she had tired of the stifling family environment and the Cornish resort they lived in and ran off with her older surfer boyfriend. The rebellion didn’t last long and she soon returned home. Broken and pregnant. The boyfriend disappeared.
It was hard for Maddy growing up knowing that she had been a mistake, an unwanted child.. Her mother had done her best, constantly reassuring her that even though she was unplanned, having her in her life had turned into a blessing. Rebellion over, her mother had settled down, trained as a teacher and married a local vet. Her stepfather took her in and gave her his surname. Maddy never liked him. She found him creepy and pervy. Looking at her in an unhealthy way once her body started to bud and grow. Her mother evidently agreed, as they subsequently split up. She was teaching at the local secondary school by this time and had become involved with another teacher. He was a kind, decent man and clearly loved Maddy’s mother. He asked them to move in with him. They did so. Her mother was happy, Maddy was stable. She still had her stepfather’s surname, but that wasn’t a problem. It was just what she had become used to being called. She should have felt secure there, but something still gnawed at her.
She saw how happy her mother was, how she tried to make Maddy happy, and she tried to ignore it, but that didn’t work. Just that one thought, one seed. It built and built, worming its way into her head, rattling round her brain, then bedding itself down, where it spat out its poison, setting off causal chains of events. One thought, one seed.
I’m not wanted.
As a baby, and now as a teenager, with her mother happy for once in her life. And from there the feeling grew, triggering ever deeper and darker spirals. That was when she was diagnosed with depression. When the antidepressants started. She was still struggling with it, still taking them at university. That was how she ended up studying psychology.
That was why she was fair game for Hugo Gwilym.
He had dazzled her, transfixed her with his radiance. She had thought he was the most wonderful person she had ever met. Tall, dark, handsome, intelligent, funny, charming. A media personality, no less. A celebrity. And best of all, he seemed interested in her.
She couldn’t believe it at first, thought she must be imagining things. But no. It was really happening. He would bump into her in the corridor, remember her name. They had coffee, he asked her opinions on certain aspects of the course, what they were studying, and didn’t laugh, didn’t ignore her when she replied. He really listened.
Maddy Mingella, the unwanted child from Newquay, was smitten.
At first it had been brilliant. Drinks and meals out in bars and restaurants that she would not only have been unable to afford, but wouldn’t have had the confidence to enter on her own. Hugo bought her clothes, gave her encouragement. She blossomed. On every level.
She had been a virgin the first time she and Hugo made love. And it was making love. Tender, slow and incredibly moving. Maddy had cried after she came, the emotion so overwhelming. Her life had become almost unreal, like something out of a fairy tale. It seemed like it couldn’t get any better.
It didn’t.
Hugo changed. They no longer went out as much. And when they did, he didn’t bother to compliment her on the way she looked. He didn’t listen to her opinions either, just seemed irritated that she had them. The sex changed too. Lovemaking was out. Sex was in. As rough as possible.
The alcohol increased. Drugs were added to the mix. Maddy hated the cocaine, what it did to her. Made her head spin, her heart palpitate like it was going to vibrate out of her ribcage. The vomiting afterwards wasn’t pleasant either.
And then there was the missed period.
Hugo had stopped using protection. He didn’t like it, he said. Just got in the way. We’ll do without. And Maddy, taken by surprise at the suddenness and forcefulness of his attentions, hadn’t been able to take precautions. Result: one unwanted pregnancy and history repeating itself.
She had collapsed. Unable to cope, in pieces. And totally dependent on Hugo now. He had dropped her off at the clinic, given her money. Told her to get rid of it. She had done.
And then – nothing. No calls, no visits. No invitations to dinner or even for drinks. Like he had never met her. Maddy had never felt so unwanted, so alone. So bereft.
But that phase was all over. It would be like Hugo had never existed. Because Ben was here.
Yes, maybe he seemed a bit vague about who he knew, but she couldn’t hold that against him. In the space of one night he had proved himself to her. And now the flowers. She was, she didn’t mind admitting, smitten.
She finished washing herself. Checked her fingers. No blood. She smiled.
She got out of the shower, towelled herself dry.
Getting ready to meet Ben.
Getting ready to move forward.