Marina heard Phil coming in. She had thought of pretending to be asleep to avoid a conversation but couldn’t bring herself to do it. Couldn’t bring herself to lie any more to the man she loved. She had been lying awake, waiting for him. She had made a decision. She was going to tell him. Everything. Gwilym, the drugging, the testing. Everything. Then work it through, see what they could do about it.
She heard him downstairs, expected him to go to the fridge, get himself a beer, sit down. That was all right, she thought, heart tripping heavily, she could wait. But he didn’t do that. She heard him coming straight upstairs.
She knew what he would do next, knew his routine as well as he did. Sure enough, she heard the door to Josephina’s room creak open slightly, knew he would be checking on her, watching her sleep. He did it every night. They both did.
She heard him creep across the landing, booted feet moving as lightly as he could. She heard him in the bathroom. She heard the bathroom light going off. The bedroom door opened. He came in. Her stomach somersaulted.
‘Thought you’d be asleep,’ he said.
She was sitting upright in bed, the paper propped before her. She hoped he didn’t notice her hands shaking. ‘Nope.’
He sat on the edge of the bed, began to get undressed.
Now, she thought. Tell him now.
‘How was your day?’ he said.
‘Oh, fine, you know,’ she said. ‘Didn’t do much. Took it easy.’ Apart from meeting Anni, asking for a clandestine drugs test. ‘Went shopping for Christmas presents, that kind of thing.’ Please don’t ask about the presents. Please don’t ask to see them. She paused. This is it, she thought. This is the time. Tell him. She opened her mouth to speak again. ‘How was your day? How’s the case going?’
‘It’s… interesting. I’ll tell you all about it if you like.’ He yawned.
‘You look done in,’ she said. ‘Tell me in the morning.’
He got into bed next to her. She could feel him looking at her.
She put the paper down.
‘Marina…’
‘Yes?’
He stopped talking, became thoughtful. Now, she thought. Do it now. Just tell him and get it over with.
‘I need to talk to you,’ he said.
She opened her mouth to speak, to respond. But she was frozen. The words wouldn’t come.
‘Marina…’
‘I’m tired, Phil,’ she said. ‘It’s… it’s been a long day. I… I… I’m tired.’
‘But…’
She turned over on her side. ‘I’m tired,’ she said more firmly. ‘Let’s… let’s talk in the morning.’ She put the light out.
She closed her eyes. Aware of Phil still lying on his side, still staring at her. Willing her to move, to speak, to turn over and face him. She wanted to do so as well. But couldn’t. She was a coward and she hated herself for it, but she couldn’t.
Eventually Phil sighed, lay down. Marina kept her eyes closed, tried not to move. To convince him she was sleeping.
Hating herself for not being able to speak.
She lay like that for hours, pretending to sleep. Knew he was doing the same. Knew he was as terrified as her of what the other would say if they spoke.