Three contracts sat in neat piles on Rachelle’s home desk unit a week after reconciling with her parents. At least she wasn’t unemployed and a desperate work seeker. Not many people had the problem of choosing between three jobs. She tried to see the positive in her situation, but instead her insides churned and her lunch wanted to come up. She hadn’t felt this nauseous since first boarding the Coderica.
How could she choose, yet how could she delay it any longer? The Coderica had already emailed her to say they had someone else interested in her position, and if she didn’t sign the contract soon, it would be snapped up by the other person.
Ray kept asking her what she had decided. He had taken the money out of an investment to put into her job and salary. He’d already set aside an office, desk, and computer for her. If she didn’t take it, he would find someone else.
She missed him. They’d messaged each other constantly, but messages weren’t quite the same as gazing into someone’s eyes, touching their skin, and kissing them.
He’d called her a couple of times, and hearing his voice had only cemented the fact that he stirred longings in her she’d never known before. But she still wondered about their future.
The fourth option for her to work on was an email to Kienna. Surprisingly, that seemed the easiest at the moment. She opened up a new email message to Blake and asked him to send it through to her.
Dear Kienna,
Don’t worry. This isn’t a stinking letter telling you to leave Blake alone. That would be stupid anyway, seeing you’re married to him now.
It’s a letter of apology. I’m sorry for writing that nasty message to you once I’d left Blake at the altar. What I did to you two was inexcusable. I just want you to know you’ve helped both of us. I don’t regret what I said to you in the bridal boutique anymore and now know Blake and I were never meant for each other. Thank you for helping me to see that.
I have a strong sense you are the right one for him, and I wish you all the best.
Kindly,
Rachelle
She stared at the letter and gave a quick laugh. It was crude and rather silly, but she had to send it to take the final step in getting over the whole thing.
While pressing send, she let out a huge breath.
Unfortunately, the contracts still seemed to shout at her from their piles.
The newspaper had offered her a wonderful position to investigate crimes for their crime journalist—almost like a private investigator—something she’d dreamed of without even knowing she’d dreamed about it. The criminal psychology class had always been her favourite at university.
The other benefit of staying home and taking the job was stability and time with her parents. She wouldn’t have to sell her home or move. After thinking her mother was close to dying, she’d been shocked into the realisation that although they were only past middle age, they weren’t young anymore. She wanted to spend time with them again, especially after not seeing them for the last two years. The last time she’d come back for her two-month break, she’d been too angry to visit them. If only she’d known they wanted her as much as she needed them.
She picked up the Coderica contract and set it aside. That season was over in her life. She would have other opportunities to travel. Scary as it was, she felt ready to let go of her freedom. Why couldn’t she be free at home? She could come and go as she pleased. That driving need to please her parents had been replaced by a desire to be there for them but not excessively.
What about Ray? Could she decline his offer without disappointing and hurting him?
Interior designer. As tempting as something totally different sounded, what if she made a total flop of it? At least she was partly familiar with investigative tasks. She’d helped out with solving a few petty crimes on the ship and reporting the details of the cases. Those moments had been some of the highlights of her work there.
She picked up the contract from Ray to set aside but kept her hands poised for a moment.
What if long distance didn’t work for them? What if they drifted apart?
Would he be hurt that she put her career before him?
How would she explain to him that another better opportunity had come up and she couldn’t let it go?
No, if Ray couldn’t accept that she really wanted this job, then he didn’t know or understand her properly. He wasn’t the right man for her anyway. It was good while it lasted, and their romance had definitely opened up her heart for more. He’d even helped her let go of her regrets from the past and reconcile with her parents.
She pressed her finger to her smile. He hadn’t pushed her away, yet she already planned how she would cope without him in her life.
She put his contract aside and opened up the contract from the newspaper. Reading through it, her excitement grew, and she knew more and more this was the place for her.
After signing, scanning, and sending it off, she opened up another email message to send to Ray. How to tell him?
She typed up five different messages and deleted each one. By supper time, her eyes burned, and her back stiffened from sitting. Time to go for a walk and get some fresh air.
****
Ray knew she wouldn’t take the position. Not that she’d told him anything, but he had a strong sense. Plus she hadn’t contacted him in days. Something brewed.
Was she calling off the whole relationship?
If she declined the job, he would be deeply disappointed, but he couldn’t argue with her. It was something totally different from what she was used to.
If she did, their relationship would be over. Long distance didn’t work.
Maybe he’d been wrong about them. Maybe it had been a kind of affair—something brought on by an exotic setting, good food, and deep disappointment at messing up with Desia—something to salve the pain. Could it be he hadn’t really loved her after all—that he’d been swept up into an infatuation that deceived him?
He touched his lips, the memory of their Christmas kiss still clear in his mind.
Why then had he been so wound up the last few days? His food had tasted like cardboard, his work had been an absolute chore, and he carried a persistent knot in his stomach.
Time to start interviewing someone for the position of interior designer. He’d already cashed an investment and informed his staff of the new ideas. He couldn’t back out now, but for some reason, he couldn’t fathom working closely with anyone else. Visions of Rachelle at the desk he’d set up and of her going to sites with him to discuss plans had played through his mind constantly. He’d even dreamed of shopping with her for fabrics, paints, and furniture for the clients.
He sucked in his stomach, pushed back his shoulders, and set to work on some plans for his current contract. No time for pity parties.
Could it be just a depressive feeling after returning from a holiday he’d looked forward to for months? Surely he would get back into things soon.
He had to—he had no choice.
His secretary came in at that moment. Diane was a middle-aged woman with four children. She always appeared calm despite the circus around his office and her constant dramas at home.
She smiled and greeted him. “All okay there?” She peered at him from above her teacher-like glasses. If she wasn’t such a sweet person, he would have sworn she looked like a nasty school principal, but her smiles and kind words always wiped away the first impressions people had of her.
Ray shrugged. “I don’t know what to do about this position.”
“What position?”
Ray stared at her. Had he been so distracted that he hadn’t even told Diane?
“I wanted to hire an interior designer to work with so we can offer customers a package deal. I had someone specific in mind.”
Diane sat down, all ears, curiosity lighting her dark-grey eyes. “Who?”
He sighed. Maybe talking about Rachelle would help him see things clearly and more logically. Maybe Diane would assure him she was merely an affair, and he would get over her in a few months. Everything would go back to normal.
“I met someone on the ship.”
Diane’s eyes went large, magnified by the lenses of her glasses. “I thought you were going to propose to Desia?”
“Didn’t I tell you I broke up with her?”
“You’ve been very busy and distracted the last few weeks. I thought you had business concerns. I didn’t want to pry, but I had a feeling something was wrong. Not my job to ask.”
He smiled. “Then why are you asking now?”
“Been getting a bit worried about the business. You haven’t stuck to some appointments lately.”
He picked up his diary and paged through it. “What exactly?”
Diane patted the desk in a motherly way. “Forget the appointments. Tell me what happened on the cruise.”
How could he make it brief without getting too personal? Diane was happily married, and he felt awkward confiding in her, but who else? He dared not tell his family about Rachelle, or else the gossip would spread in a day that he’d had an affair on the Coderica while engaged to his girlfriend. Of course, that was a twist of the truth, but he knew it would spiral out of control.
“Desia broke off the engagement when her dad ended up in hospital. She left the ship to go to him. He’s fine now. Well, anyway, I felt rather down. I found a friend in the lady who ran the chapel on the ship—I hoped to marry Desia in the chapel. Her sarcastic, closed manner appealed to me in a way. I can’t explain why, but I loved her realness. Not like Desia who seems all sweet on the outside but really pulled a nasty one on me. We started doing stuff together on the cruise and basically, um…I think I fell I love. I don’t know. I miss her.” He slumped his head onto his hands and sighed, unable to let Diane see the searing ache that came from inside and taunted him. So much for talking and getting some perspective on the situation.
Diane kept quiet, and he wondered if she’d gone out of the room in disgust. He peered up at her, and she held a soft smile. How could she think this was funny?
“And you offered her a position in your company so she could be near you?”
He nodded.
“And she hasn’t taken you up on the offer?”
“She’s stalling, so I have this strong feeling it will be a no. I created the job just for her.”
“You look absolutely miserable. Have you seen yourself?”
If he didn’t feel so listless, he would have given her what-for, but instead he dragged his weary legs to the mirror above his basin in the little bathroom off his office.
Peering at himself in the mirror, he stepped back a moment, shocked at how unkempt he looked. He hadn’t even combed his hair in the morning. When had he last shaved? There were dark rings under his puffy and bloodshot eyes. It was kind of funny in its absurdity.
“What are you getting at?” Ray walked back into the room.
“You need to contact her. Go to her and find out what’s going on.”
“I can’t. There are two major projects going on at the moment, and we’re behind in both of them. I could lose big customers.”
“I know it’s not really my place to say, but I think you’re about to lose them anyway if you don’t get yourself sorted out. I’ve never seen you like this before.”
Shame seeped through him. Where had his professional image disappeared to? Since when did he need a woman? Surely that was a sign of weakness.
“I don’t need her to survive. I’ll learn to cope.”
“Sure you will, but why would you want to?”
He scratched his new beard and stared out the window onto the rolling hills ahead of him. “It’s easier that way.”
“Maybe it’s easier not to risk disappointment, but won’t you always wonder if you could have done something to save your relationship with her? Danny went to find me when I ran away from him. If he hadn’t, I don’t know where I’d be.”
He knew Diane and Danny’s story too well. She told just about every person who came into the office and started chatting.
“I get your point.” He sighed and sat down. “You can go now. Just make a note of the appointments I’ve missed and send me a line on the in-company email.”
“Sure, Boss.”
She turned to go away, looking a little peeved. Oh Diane, always wanting people to hear her opinions and follow them.
She was sweet but what did she know?
He leant back on his swivel chair and stared out the window again. Go to Rachelle. Why? What if she turned him away? What if he wasted some precious time all for nothing?
What could he really lose? Even if he lost a contract or two, the business wouldn’t fold.
How would he cope without her? His image in the mirror and the rotten feeling that had followed him the last few days only shouted to him that he wouldn’t do well without her. She’d brought a light into his heart he couldn’t deny.
He wanted what they had shared on the Coderica.
Determination streaking through him, he picked up the phone and called his local travel agent to book a flight to Cape Town.
Once the flight was booked, he opened his emails to find out what appointments he’d missed.
Oh man! What if they could never have what they’d shared on the ship again? He had changed his schedule all because of a few days of bliss, but they could never be replicated. Now they were both back to reality. Could they really blend their two very different lives together?
****
Rachelle flopped onto the sofa in her living room with the dust cloth in her hand. She should really hire a maid to come in once a week to clean up her house. Why had she bought herself such a large house if she didn’t intend to get married in the near future? At the time, she’d planned on marrying Blake and having him move into her domain decorated the way she liked it.
She glanced around at the way she’d done the décor in her home. A tiny bubble of pride swelled inside her. She had a talent. Maybe she should have gone for the interior decorating job.
Tomorrow was her first day at the newspaper, and she’d been frantically cleaning her home, rounding up things, and buying food before the rush of working nine to five became her daily routine.
The house looked sparkly clean except for the bathrooms and outside patio. It had taken the whole day to clean and move things around. The house-sitter had generally kept things acceptable, but certain items had been put away in the wrong places or left lying around when they should have been neatly stacked inside a cupboard. Oh, if only she wasn’t such a neat freak. It was purely exhausting to be herself. The chapel had always looked immaculate with not a single thing out of place. She had let the office slide at times merely because she got too busy with the paperwork to pack it away.
The study in her home looked the same. She needed one spot which she felt free to leave a little messy.
Was her life like that? One part could remain a little messy and out of control, but the rest had to have all its ducks in a row. Which part of her life fit into the messy spot in her heart? She wasn’t sure. At the moment, only her job in the morning seemed to be in order. Her heart felt totally out of sync and confused; home didn’t feel like home yet, and she was lonely.
Tears filled her eyes, and she swiped them away with her dusty hand. Her eyes itched with the dust, and she groaned. Her whole body ached from the last few days of frantic activity, and she dreaded getting up to finish the spring cleaning.
She didn’t feel like lying there either and dwelling on her misery. And guilt. She still hadn’t told Ray.
Besides, she still had to go out to the shops and buy some new outfits. Wearing a uniform for the last two years had made her lazy in keeping her professional wardrobe well-stocked. At the moment, she had maybe one or two outfits that weren’t seriously outdated and faded.
If she enlisted a friend to shop with her, maybe she wouldn’t think of Ray.
But who?
After two years away, she couldn’t exactly call up a friend and invite them to go shopping as though life hadn’t changed and everything was the same. She hadn’t really kept in contact with anyone. Most of her friends had either married or moved away.
It hadn’t paid to run away from her life and her memories. Now I’m all on my own.
The tears turned to blurry details as she began to doze.
Music filtered through her half-asleep state.
The familiar song made her eyes pop open, and she gasped. White Christmas Kiss. Oh right! She’d made it her cell phone ringtone.
Where had she put the device? She ran around frantically to find where the sound came from. By the time she found it tucked under a memo pad, the ringing had stopped.
She fumbled in her call listing and saw who’d called her. Ray.
Her pulse rate quickened, sending the blood rushing to her head and making it ache even more.
How could she phone him back?
A message came through from him. That would be easier to deal with than talking directly to him. She opened it up and read.
“I’m at Cape Town International Airport. Could you come fetch me? If you’re not busy.”
How could she leave him there even with her tightly-packed schedule? She had no choice but to face him and tell him honestly why she couldn’t take the job.
“I’m coming,” she wrote. “Be there in about twenty minutes.”
What would she wear? She couldn’t go in her cleaning clothes with her hair pinned up in a messy ponytail and dust on her hands and face. Why hadn’t she said half an hour?
Her legs shaky, she ran to the bathroom to wash her hands and face, let down her hair and give it a quick brush, and then changed her T-shirt.
Within minutes, she was on the road, swirling emotions making it hard to focus. How would he look? She’d missed him so much.
Yet, was she ready to face him? She couldn’t commit to anything solid with him. Neither a job nor a definite relationship. Long distance didn’t work—it had been torture. Better to break it off completely than be held on by this delicate thread that threatened to break any moment. What guy wanted his girl so far away? He had his life and family in P.E., hers was here.
By the time she’d parked and walked to the entrance of the airport, Ray had picked up his suitcase and stood outside the front door with it on a trolley. Did he make a specific trip here to see her? She walked towards him, wondering if her reluctance to tell the truth had made him spend money on a flight. Bracing herself, she clamped her lips together and clenched her fist around the car keys.
“Hi.” His smile seemed half-hearted. Pain hit her gut. He looked awful—dark rings under his eyes, pale face, and dishevelled hair. Not the same Ray she’d known on the ship.
“You okay?” Her voice came out like a strangled whisper.
“I’m good. Keen to settle, though.”
“Where are you staying? How long are you visiting Cape Town?”
“As long as it takes.”
“As long as what takes?” She turned around to head towards her car as he pushed the trolley. Once he was moving, she edged to walk beside him, unable to keep her gaze off how awful he looked. Had she done that? What was wrong with her, always hurting the men in her life?
“To find out what’s going on.”
“With us?” They had reached the car already. She opened up the boot and let him place his suitcase inside. What did he hope to achieve? Did he intend to beg her to take the job?
“I still have a ton to do before tomorrow. Will you bear with me while I work? I’m going to take you home. Will cook supper and you can have some if you want. I’m back into cooking again. It’s nice to choose what I want to eat for a change.”
They climbed into the car, and she navigated her way out of the airport parking.
“What’s happening tomorrow?”
What a relief she drove. She could keep her gaze on the road and not see the disappointment when he heard the news.
“I’ve taken another job. It starts tomorrow. I couldn’t turn it down, Ray. It’s perfect for me. My dad told me about it the day I made right with them. I didn’t want to tell you…” She couldn’t help looking at him a moment. His expression told her nothing. “…until I’d made up my mind, and then when I did make up my mind, I didn’t know how to tell you. I was scared.”
“Scared of what?” His voice sounded surprisingly calm and unresentful.
“I don’t know. Hurting you, letting you down.”
“I’m disappointed, yes, but I want what’s best for you. I had no idea the job I offered you would be up your street. It was just a stab in the dark at getting you close to me.”
“So, you won’t hate me?” The childish words blurted out. They were raw, but they revealed her soul. Ray had brought out a vulnerability in her and made her feel emotionally naked.
He placed his hand on her leg. “Of course not. I love you. Now you have to tell me what this job is.”
Glancing at him a moment, she tried to gauge how genuine he was but couldn’t tell. For a moment, she glimpsed fear in the flicker of his eyes but wasn’t sure.
“I’ll assist a crime journalist and do some investigative work. I did a bit on the ship, but now I will research crimes that have taken place—interview people. My legal knowledge will help immensely. I’ve always been interested in journalism so, yes, I can’t wait.” Her breath hitched at how false the last sentence sounded. She looked forward to it, so why did she feel like she was faking it?
“That’s awesome. Lots of stimulation for you.”
“We should stay in contact, though.” How lame that sounded. How depressing.
“I know.” He didn’t sound so sure, and she began to doubt his love. Crazy her—she didn’t want him to force her to stay by him but hoped for more of a fight for their relationship.
They drove in silence for some time.
Would he stay with her overnight?
She couldn’t push him away but didn’t feel comfortable with the idea. The attraction between them was still zinging, and she didn’t want to lead him on when they had no guarantee of forever.
No guarantee of forever?
It hit her with such a force she had to use all her power of concentration to keep on the road.
“What’s wrong?” Ray turned to her and pried her with his gaze.
“Um…why do you think something’s wrong?”
“I can see. Your whole body seemed to jerk as if in agony.”
Tears flooded her vision, and she blinked them away furiously. Since when had the thought of saying good-bye hurt so much? She’d always been the one to say good-bye, to break up the relationship, and it felt frightening being on the other end of the deal.
“I…I don’t know.”
“Pull off the road.”
“I can’t. It’s not safe here.”
“We’re not on the freeway yet. Pull off.”
She obeyed, almost relieved she didn’t have to be strong anymore.
Finding a small strip mall, she turned into a parking space and switched off the engine. Facing him and seeing the love and concern in his eyes brought the tears out in a gush. She covered her mouth as if to somehow block the display of emotion. What was happening to her?
Unperturbed by the gear stick and hand break in the way, he wrapped his strong arms around her and held her tight. “Are you nervous about your new job?” he asked after holding her for some time.
She shrugged, the gesture making him move away and gaze at her. He produced a freshly-pressed cotton hanky for her to wipe her tears and gather her dignity again. Where was the cool, self-controlled Rachelle she’d always been? Could the horrible loss of control be why she’d always shied away from intense infatuation or love? She’d kept choosing the men she felt little for. Had it been a safer option for her?
“I thought I was happy about my decision until I saw you again.”
“Now you’re not?”
“I’m so confused. I want the job, but I don’t want to lose you. I don’t know how we can make this work being so far away from each other.”
He gripped her hand with an intensity that almost hurt. “I know exactly how. I’ll move to Cape Town.”
“Don’t be ridiculous. You can’t do that. Your business is stable, and your family’s in PE.”
“I want to start a new family with you.”
Somehow she’d expected the desire to run a mile when he said that. Instead, tentative feathers of excitement tickled her.
“I don’t want you to lose everything. Your life is mapped out for you. I’m just starting mine. It’s not fair for you to move here. I should be willing to move there. I’m so sorry I wasn’t willing. I know why now.”
He gently lifted her chin with his finger and moved closer as if to kiss her. She closed her eyes, wishing for the wonderful sensation of his lips on hers to wipe away all the confusion for a moment. It wouldn’t take it away forever. If only she could be in his arms always, then she wouldn’t be confused.
He didn’t kiss her. Instead he spoke, his voice steady and strong. “When you told me about what happened with your parents, I knew deep inside you needed to be with them for a while. Two years without any contact must have been very painful. I didn’t want to admit it, but I knew that your coming to P.E. maybe wasn’t the best thing, but I was selfish. I wanted you for myself. I was scared of losing you. I’ve never felt that way about a woman, not even Desia whom I’ve known much longer.”
“But—“
“Hear me out. When you didn’t contact me for days, I knew you weren’t taking the job. I went into depression, believing our relationship was over forever. I didn’t want to lose what we had. Then I began to doubt what we had in the first place. It was just an affair—the result of seeing Europe and the snow, spending Christmas together.”
She gasped and stroked his arm. “That’s what’s been playing with my mind.”
“But it couldn’t be that. How could it be? As soon as I saw you at the airport, I knew.”
“Knew what?” Her heart beat so loud she could hear it thudding in her ears.
“That I couldn’t live without you. No matter what happens, I need you in my life.”
“Me too.” Her voice sounded breathy and rather girl-like, not her usual deep, certain tone.
“I’m willing to leave the business in charge of a manager. I won’t sell up. Instead I’ll open up a branch here in Cape Town. Maybe it will take a while to get established, but I’ve got enough in savings to pull me through a couple of years of difficulty.”
When he gazed at her, she saw forever in his eyes. Commitment, certainty, and strength—all the things she couldn’t offer him. The things she didn’t know how to offer anyone.
“Ray, I love you. I know that now. I’ve never loved anyone as much as you. It actually hurts it’s so strong, but I’m scared.”
“Scared of what?”
“Of myself.” A mocking giggle escaped her.
He took both her hands in his. “Nonsense. I can see it in your eyes. You love me more than you ever loved Blake or any other man. That love is strong enough to keep us together. You won’t run away.”
“How do you know? I just did. I deliberately took the other job to run away. I was keen on the interior decorating job. The idea thrilled me almost as much as the newspaper job. Part of me wanted a complete change from what I’ve been doing, but I was also unsure of my abilities in that area.”
“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have put that burden on you. Take the job or lose us. It was wrong.”
“I don’t think you meant to do that. It just happened that way.”
He stroked her cheek. “You always see the best in me.”
“You too.”
“Then believe in what I believe about you.” He touched her nose with the tip of his finger. Amazing how he always made her feel so cherished. “Do it, not for me but for yourself.”
“What about your family?”
“To be honest, I kind of need a break from them. Some space. They can be rather demanding—always laying their problems and conflicts at my feet.”
“I understand the space thing. It does the relationship good. I can see that with my parents now. I’ve matured. I don’t need their approval to survive anymore.”
“Yes, we tend to take each other for granted sometimes.”
“I don’t want space with you anymore, though. These last few weeks have been horrible.”
“Tell me about it.”
She leaned forward to kiss him whether he wanted it or not. He didn’t push her away. Instead he played sweet music with her lips until the warmth of arousal revived her and gave her new hope again.
He let her go to glance at her, kindness in his gaze.
“Thank you, Ray. I don’t think I could love anyone as much as you.”
He caressed her cheek. “I’m so excited to do this. I wish I had thought of coming here sooner.”
The love in his gaze assured her that the past had been wiped away forever. Her second chance had come in the form of Ray—no, Ray was her first and only chance at real love. She’d truly found a home for her heart. His unconditional love had healed her heart. She hadn’t known how much she needed healing until he came along.
“I’m so glad you came to find me.”
“Me too. Shall we go into the store and buy a quick supper? Then we can relax together.” Ray started getting out of the car.
“Thanks. That would be great.”
What a wonderful evening they had, eating, listening to music, and talking until way past midnight. Rachelle knew she would be exhausted for her new job in the morning but somehow felt more ready for it than she had ever been.
Ray spent the night on the couch. He’d catch a taxi to the airport in the afternoon. She wouldn’t see him for a couple of weeks, but it would be much more bearable knowing they weren’t going to drift apart.
While she commuted to her new job the next morning, she assured herself that Ray would stick to his word and come live in Cape Town. She surely didn’t deserve all his love, but she was learning to forgive herself. Finally. A smile graced her lips as she drove.