“Quiet, please!”

It was assembly once again. Once again it was Mr Barrington who was speaking. Once again, Mrs Wang, Miss Gerard and Miss Finch were seated at the rear of the hall. Once again, Mr Carter had his back to the children, who were sitting cross-legged on the floor.

“Good morning, children!” said Mr Barrington.

“Good morning, Mr Barrington!”

Mr Barrington looked towards the other end of the hall. He saw Ryan Ward sitting there. But he did not hear him say “Bummington”. Also, Ryan’s tie seemed to be tied right up to his top shirt button. This made Mr Barrington a little confused, though he was pleased his words in the corridor had made a difference.

“I’m sure, school, you’d want to join me in welcoming back our head teacher after his short illness,” he continued.

All the children went quiet at this point. None of them looked like they really did want to welcome him back.

“I said, I’m sure you want to welcome back our head teacher!”

“Welcome back, Mr Carter!” said the children in a not-very-together or enthusiastic way.

At this point, Mr Carter finally turned round. But it was a different turn from the one he’d made in the first assembly of the term, which had been slow and threatening and dramatic.

This turn was quick.

Mr Carter spun on his heel with both arms stuck out and a big grin on his face. It was a bit … showbiz. It was as if he was turning to camera in the opening moments of Mr Carter’s Crazy Night Out! on UKGold. He was wearing the same black suit as ever, although, strangely, the tie was not done up to the top button as per usual, but hanging down loosely, not even properly tied.

“Hey, Bracket Wood!” said Mr Carter. “How you doing?”

Silence. Confusion. Quite a lot of frowning. From both kids and teachers.

“I said …” said Mr Carter, “Hey, Bracket Wood! How you doing?”

Still silence, apart from one voice at the back, round about where Ryan was sitting. That voice didn’t actually say any words, but it did let out quite a loud groan.

Then the rest of the children said, uncertainly, “How you doing … Mr Carter?”

“I’m good! And thank you, by the way, very much indeed, for opening the show here today, Mr Bummington.”

All the children laughed. Mr Barrington looked up, very confused.

“Let’s hear it, in fact, for Mr Bummington!” continued Mr Carter, applauding loudly. The children laughed, and joined in the applause.

“I’m sorry, Mr Carter,” said Mr Barrington, approaching him, speaking softly. “I notice you made this mistake in hospital too – it’s Barrington. My name. BARRINGton.”

“Bummington Barrington?”

“No. Not Bummington Barrington. My first name is Otto.”

“I see.” Mr Carter paused and looked at Mr Barrington with what seemed to be new eyes. “Really? Otto?”

“Yes.”

“What’s your middle name?”

“Ernest.”

“Right. Got it.” He looked back at the audience of children. “Let’s hear it for Otto Ernest Barrington!”

The children all carried on laughing.

“Why are they laughing now?” said Mr Barrington to Mrs Wang.

“So!” said Mr Carter. “After my first assembly a whole set of new rules and regulations was outlined. I have a few amendments to make. Miss Finch?”

“Yes?” said Miss Finch, looking terrified – a bit like the Gruffalo, but terrified.

“Don’t worry, Miss Finch,” said Mr Carter, handing her a sheet of paper. It was the sheet of paper that Mr Barrington had pinned to the notice board in the corridor. “There’s no mouse in this forest.”

“Pardon?”

“Nothing. Would you mind reading out the new rules, please? One by one?”

Miss Finch looked down. She coughed. Then she began.

“Dress. All children will wear school uniform in neat and respectable condition. Ties must be properly tied.”

“OK. As I say, small amendment,” said Mr Carter. “All children will wear … whatever they like! In fact, children who wear the funniest outfits will get the largest amount of praise points! Particular kudos will be given to any child who comes to school wearing a funny hat!”

The staff members sitting behind Mr Carter frowned. But the children, who were warming to this new version of their head teacher, laughed, and some clapped. Meanwhile, Mr Carter ran offstage, which led to even more frowning from the teachers. Then he came back and said, “Perhaps one like this!”

Mr Carter was wearing a top hat. It was one that had been used in the school Christmas play last year to portray the character of Scrooge. And also about four other Victorian characters. Anyway. On the front of the hat was stuck a big photograph of Benny and Bjornita – the tortoises – being held up by the two Reception children, and wearing underwear.

This got a very big laugh from the children. As the laughter was dying down, Mr Carter did an elaborate old-fashioned bow, taking the hat off and waving it across his body.

Then he stood up and said, “Carry on, Miss Finch! Next rule!”

From the back of the hall where Ryan was sitting came another groan.