MY LATE GRAN, Annie Dougan, deserves more blame for the kind of humour found in my work than most people might assume. One story she was fond of re-telling related an occasion when she happened to be visiting relatives on the other side of my hometown, Barrhead, and popped into a newspaper shop that she only occasionally frequented. As my gran had not been in for some weeks, the wee woman behind the counter seized upon the opportunity to bring her up to date with the latest news, which typically comprised a litany of death.
‘You know Moira McGhee?’ the proprietor inquired.
‘Aye.’
‘She died. Cancer. And you know Michael Gallagher?’
‘Aye.’
‘He died. Heart attack. And you know Vera Kelly that married Tommy Reilly?’
‘Aye.’
‘She died. Stroke.’
And so on, until, my gran decided to retaliate by adding: ‘Terrible, aye. And I see the Pope died too.’
To which the wee woman gave the reply that so tickled my gran, and which contains the quintessence of the parochial mindset:
‘Aye, but he never bought his paper fae us.’
Christopher Brookmyre is the author of thirteen novels, including Attack of the Unsinkable Rubber Ducks, A Snowball in Hell and Pandaemonium.