FOR OBVIOUS REASONS you only know your grandparents when they are relatively old. And for some reason they never look as young as they should in old photographs of when they were young or newly married. It emphasises that they were of a different generation, that they were brought up in different times and that the world is a very different place.
Often the most we learn from grandparents is from how they moulded our parents into what they are. There are those – of whom I count myself one – who were fortunate enough to have been given a blueprint for life by the close contact I enjoyed with them for over thirty-five years.
Hilda Lily Patchinsky and Asher Chaim Sadofsky, or Grandma and Asher as I knew and adored them, had no qualifications and had already had tough lives by the time that they married.
They came from the generation that thought there were no short cuts to a good life. It required hard work, honesty, character and an unswerving commitment to their responsibilities as parents.
They had strong values. They always believed in getting on with it. Complaining or even stoicism just seemed like a waste of time. They were grateful for the little they had but knew through their endeavours each day they would be able to gain more in some way.
They were both from immigrant families. Asher’s family came directly from Russia while Hilda’s had detoured from the villages of Eastern Europe through Leeds and Belfast. Hilda had ended up in England when she and her siblings ran away to escape from a demonic stepmother.
Their aspirations were not about their own personal achievements but about their children. There was no sacrifice that they were not willing to make to ensure that they were given the opportunities that they never had.
They spent almost every hour of the day together. They did everything together and were a partnership of equals.
They were a permanent feature for twenty years at the haberdashery and fabric market stall they opened on the far corner of the upper floor of the Manchester Arndale Centre near to the Fountain Street entrance. They had graduated from the daily grind of touring the daily markets of the north-west, although my brothers and I will never forget the fun of the days before seat belts as we perched on top of the fabrics loaded up in the back of the van travelling to and from the Crewe Market – a particular favourite of Asher.
Their market stall was passed on in good shape but did not survive the IRA bomb that hit the city in 1996.
Asher was always interested in the world around him. He relied on the newspapers and the stories of others to provide his window on the world as he spent his time in a perpetual travelling circle around the UK.
Hilda couldn’t stop working. They worked for many years after retirement and even after the ‘hab and fab’ sales she did a stint in curtain wear before starting a cottage bespoke greeting card service.
Hilda was diagnosed with cancer at forty-one. She beat it for another forty-one years until her body just couldn’t withstand all the other shocks it suffered. Her iron will and determination to carry on kept her going through a litany of health problems. She never complained. Indeed, most of the time she withstood discomfort and pain without raising any concern at all. Later in life we started to see the signs of agony in the way she held herself or walked but she still steadfastly refused to acknowledge her ailments. Only just before she was finally felled by failing organs did she even talk about the suffering she endured for so long.
They both had the enormous pleasure to see their great-grandchildren come into the world and Hilda, who survived Asher by four years, was always lifted by every happy occasion and celebration that our family could generate.
There are many stories that represent their lives. But it is the example of how they lived their lives that will always keep their memories alive. They have set the benchmarks for my life.
Nicola Mendelsohn is Chair and partner of Karmarama. She is married to Jon and has four children, Gabi, Danny, Sam and Zac. She is also the Chair of the corporate board of Women’s Aid, past President of Women in Advertising and Communications London, advisory board member of Cosmetic Executive Women and Director of the Fragrance Foundation.