One of the things I have discovered from running Gunnas classes is that women have particular issues they need to overcome when it comes to writing. This came as quite a shock to me, but class after class I’d see the same pattern. Women would say the same things to me – things men never did. Women would nod their heads furiously at something I said while the men just smiled knowingly. In class after class, women would have huge light-bulb moments at the same things. Don’t get me wrong: men love the Gunnas classes too, but apparently there are certain things that women need to realise which men already take for granted.
Little girls are never asked what they want. They are socially conditioned to be pleasers and think about what everyone else wants them to do and be. I know there are plenty of feminist anthems, bibles and slogans for girls and women these days – ‘Lean In’, ‘Girls Run the World’, #fightlikeagirl and @EverydaySexism, to name a few – and that’s encouraging, but society still has a vested interest in keeping women subjugated. It assists social order and gives white, straight, educated middle-class, able-bodied men the most access to power, control, decision-making, money and leisure. The control of women in most places is not as visible and identifiable as it once was. But it’s still there. It’s insidious, subconscious, passive-aggressive and often best described as gaslighting.
The worst thing you can encourage little girls to be is nice. The second-worst is pretty. Growing up, I was often described as a big mouth and a show-off, while boys exhibiting the same behaviour were described as confident and bold. Girls have historically been taught to wait, placate and self-deprecate, to loathe their bodies, to think of others first and to pipe down, princess.
Men have opinions. Women are opinionated.
Men have mouths. Women are mouthy.
Men speak. Women are outspoken.
Men have opinions. Women rant.
Men are bosses. Women are bossy.
Seventy per cent of my Gunnas students are women. Many of them thank me at the end of the class for giving them the ‘permission’ they felt they needed. They are often a little confused and embarrassed about feeling they needed this ‘permission’, but the word comes up time and time again from my female students. Never once have I heard this from any of my male students. On the whole, my male students feel at ease with the idea of writing; they just want to know how to do it. They have the confidence to get stuck in, but they want a manual, some tools, and some specific questions answered.
This idea, among women, that they need permission to speak, permission to write, is widespread. Zora Sanders was appointed the editor of Meanjin at the age of twenty-three. She was the youngest editor ever appointed and one of the few females. During her run as editor, she wrote this on Facebook:
The difference between men and women’s responses when I ask them to pitch something or contribute to the journal is really noticeable. Women are much more likely to be hesitant and unsure of themselves, even refusing on the grounds that they aren’t experienced or talented enough, whereas I almost never get that from male contributors. I don’t blame women at all, I know I do it too, but I wouldn’t have asked you if I didn’t like what you do and genuinely think you’d be amazing! Women, we need to say yes to stuff even when we’re a bit scared! Especially then! It helps us all!
I also suspect that when writers preface an email with ‘sorry, this is so terrible and shit and the worst thing a human has ever committed to paper and why don’t you just shoot me through the head right now’ it prejudices the way I read it and I’m more likely to actually agree with said author than I otherwise would. I go in expecting to see the flaws. If it really is shit, I can usually tell without getting a red flag from the writer in advance.
Being self-deprecating can be a difficult habit to break, though: it is very deeply ingrained for many women.
Many years ago I read an article about the difficulty of getting women onto boards and into executive and leadership positions. One group in the UK was having so much trouble they paid a bunch of money to a consulting firm to find out why women were not even applying for the job. The firm did some research and came back with this simple and straightforward advice.
‘Halve the wages advertised and women will apply.’
What? Well, according to the consulting firm women saw high salaries advertised and thought ‘I’m not worth that’ and didn’t apply.
Men had no problems applying.
I just wanted to make the point that any holding back you may feel, any reluctance to submit your work or lack of confidence you have may be because you are female. Chances are it is.
There are plenty of blokes out there with the same amount of talent as you – or less – who have no problem putting themselves forward, accepting challenges and getting what you want.
If it’s going to be someone, it may as well be you.
Take a deep breath and remember you deserve this as much as anyone. You have as much talent as anyone. You don’t need permission from anyone.
I have learnt there is nothing more terrifying than a woman who doesn’t give a shit what you or anyone else thinks of her. A woman who does not need your approval or permission.
Never explain, never apologise.