FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS

Q. I’m always busy. How do I find time for writing?

A. People don’t find time. They make time. Or they make excuses. Reread Chapter 5.

Q. Does my work suck?

A. Possibly, but who cares? It’s normal to feel like that. Reread Chapter 6.

Q. How can I stop myself from getting distracted?

A. Well, stop being distracted. See Chapter 5 on procrastination, and Part Three: Writing Toolkit for ways to overcome it.

Q. How do I know if someone will publish it?

A. You don’t. Don’t write to get published. Write because it makes you feel better.

Q. What if I don’t have any talent?

A. You may not. But you will never know unless you write. As you write, you will get better and better. The cake is not cooked yet. How can you know if the cake is any good if it’s not cooked? Buy the ingredients, make the cake and cook it. No matter what the outcome, not everyone will agree on how good the cake is – it’s subjective. And if the cake is a disaster, turn it into a trifle. Or compost. Or feed it to the chooks so they turn it into eggs so you can make another cake. If you trip, make it part of the dance.

Q. Does it matter that I don’t have an ending yet?

A. No. No-one ever has an ending when they start. Often they don’t even have one when they are halfway through. Even when they think they have an ending, it might not end up being the real ending. Make up an ending if you have to, just to get rid of that excuse. Pick a random ending and write towards it. Perhaps you’ll pick an ending like ‘They all didn’t live happily ever after’ and as soon as you actually write it, you’ll realise ‘that’s not it’. Fine. If you are so smart, what’s the real ending? You’ll find it. Just write. Those who wander are not always lost.

Q. I have all these ideas and I don’t know which one to write about. What should I do?

A. Write down all the ideas on bits of paper and put them in a hat. Pull one out and write about that. Finish it. If you screw up your face at the one you drew out, thinking ‘I wish it was that other one’, write about that instead. Just decide. How can you ever be sure which is the ‘best’ or the ‘right’ thing to write about? You can’t. You just have to commit to something.

Q. I am worried about upsetting people – how do I avoid that?

A. You can’t. You can’t avoid worrying and you can’t avoid upsetting people. Just do it and answer to yourself. You never have to show your writing to anyone. And you do not have to publish under your own name. If you do decide to publish it with your name, you can tell them they may not like it so it may be wise to avoid it. Suggest to them that they can write their version of events whenever they please. Reread Chapter 7.

Q. The thing I want to write has already been written – what do I do?

A. No it hasn’t. That’s a convenient excuse. No-one has ever written your thing your way. Have you been to a bookshop, watched television, seen a mainstream movie? The same stories are told over and over again in different ways. And even if it has already been written – in exactly the same way – write it anyway. For practice. As a warm-up and so you can get to the thing behind it in the Vending Machine of Creativity. Maybe this is the dirty peel you have to remove before you get to the onion. Maybe this is just the scum on top of the soup tureen that you need to skim off to get to the gorgeous minestrone.

Imitate, assimilate, innovate

CLARK TERRY

We learn many of the most important things – walking, talking, writing, dancing, singing, social interaction – through mimicking. If you have an idea or take on things you think someone has already done, there’s a club for that called everyone. Nothing is original. What did Picasso say? ‘Good artists copy, great artists steal.’

Q. How do I know if it’s going to sell?

A. You don’t. ‘Gangnam Style’? Thomas the Tank Engine? Crocs? Low-hanging jeans? Crazy Frog? Hello Kitty, anyone? Who would have predicted they would have been massive hits?

Q. Don’t I need a structure before I start?

A. Nope. But fine, make one up. What’s your excuse now?

Q. I keep starting projects but never finish anything. What should I do?

A. Finish something. Then finish the next thing. Then finish the next thing.

Q. I write all day for work and when I get home I just don’t have the energy. What should I do?

A. Give up (if you don’t really want to write and this is your way of saying it). Or get a new job. Or write for five minutes a week. Or go to bed earlier so you can wake up earlier and write in the morning.

Q. How do I find motivation?

A. You don’t need motivation, you need action. Motivation follows action. See Chapter 11.

Q. How do I find inspiration?

A. You don’t. Inspiration is for amateurs.

Q. I have children and I feel guilty taking time away from them. Should I keep writing?

A. Are you serious? What makes you think your kids want to be with you all the time? What kind of narcissist are you? Writing will make you a better person. A better parent. This I know for sure. All children need is to know they are loved. All they want is to see their parents trying – not always succeeding but trying – to get their shit together. What do you want your children to learn? That all you do is dote on them, wait on them hand and foot? Think about the messages you’re sending them if you never leave them with others. That they have no resilience and will fall to pieces if you leave the room. That other people are not safe. That you are the only one who can make them happy and tend to their needs. Get over yourself and set a good example of a rounded, confident human being who has faith in their children.

Q. I left school at fifteen and have no confidence. How do I get that?

A. Okay. I can’t give you the confidence. Only you can do that. Why do you have no confidence? Because horrible adults who lived horrible lives said you sucked and you couldn’t do it? Are you going to let them win? Still? After all this time? Or are you going to write for pleasure? For satisfaction? Are you going to write more and more words and get better and better and better? Or are you going to give up and let them win?

There’s an Australian writer called Andrew Knight. One of his teachers told him that he was a failure. A dud. He was never going to make something of himself. He was never going to be a writer. When, during the early ’90s, he made his first million, he sent a copy of his tax return as proof to this teacher who had said he’ d never make it.

Success is the best revenge.

Q. How do I know if what I am writing is any good?

A. You don’t. Maybe it sucks. Who cares, if it makes you happy? And it doesn’t mean you won’t get published: bookstores are full of shit writing.

Got a question about writing that hasn’t been answered here? The answer is probably one of the following:

Get over yourself.

Just keep going.

Get an editor.

Give up.

People don’t find the time, they make the time.

Of course it sucks. Just finish it and move on to the next thing. Maybe that won’t suck.

They are wrong.

You are wrong.

Have they ever been there? No? So why are you taking directions from them?

Or try one of these solutions:

Take a walk.

Do another hour.

Wine.

More swearing.

Less jargon.

Remove every second line and see how it reads.

Work on another project tomorrow. Just for the day.

Work backwards. Start from the end.

Change your target from an amount of time to write to a number of words, or vice versa.

All of the above.

Make like a factory. Churn, churn, churn. Grind, grind, grind.

Do a week writing regularly and then take a week off. Ask yourself: which week made me feel better, writing or not writing?