CHAPTER TWENTY
When Maggie heard the sound of the garage door closing, she steeled herself. Telling Riley and Cole about Sawyer was going to be the hardest thing she’d ever done. Riley, she knew, would remain calm on the surface. But she couldn’t even begin to imagine what Cole’s reaction would be. Should she wait till they got upstairs and talk to them in their rooms, or should she call them into the study?
“I’ll wait till they settle in,” she decided aloud, unconsciously wringing her hands.
Rand watched her as she paced the study. He knew she was exhausted; she’d told him how she’d spent her night and morning. Her eyes looked hollow and bruised, her face pale and drawn. But there was beauty in her, and an inner strength that would allow her to stand tall and accept last night’s phone call. He ached for her, wanted to comfort her in some way, but he hurt so bad himself, he couldn’t make the effort.
“If it were me, I think I’d tell them in private,” he said quietly. He watched her a short while later as she climbed the steps to the second floor.
Voices from the corridor outside the kitchen made him turn. Amelia must have come through the kitchen, Susan in her wake. Both women had cups of tea in their hands. If he drank one more cup of tea, Rand thought, he would float out the door. He greeted both women with a kiss on the cheek, then poured himself a triple Scotch.
“I couldn’t stay at the house another minute,” Amelia said. “Nothing went right today. I thought I was going to crawl out of my skin. I tried to call Cary nine times, but he was out on the site and couldn’t be reached. I needed to talk to him,” Amelia said in a brittle voice. “I have to call Billie. Maybe I should go to New York. Sawyer would understand. She’d know I was making the trip for Billie. But... I’m not sure now. I don’t know how to...How in the name of God are we supposed to act? Do we rally ’round, offer ... what? Sympathy? Pity?”
“I think you should do whatever feels right to you,” Rand said, staring at the amber fluid in his glass.
“What are you going to do?” Amelia demanded. “How are you handling this?”
“Very carefully. I’m taking it hour by hour. Look, I did the right thing and I did it for the right reasons. You’re both going to have to accept that. Maggie wasn’t in my life when I broke it off with Sawyer. I’m sorry you’ve all chosen up sides. I’m the bad guy now. I’d cut off my right arm if it would help Sawyer.”
Amelia leaned her head back wearily. “I know, Rand. In a lot of ways Sawyer had more than most, but she also had less of the things that really count. Billie isn’t going to be able to make this right for her. And she shouldn’t have to,” Amelia said angrily. “From here on out it’s Maggie’s job.”
“Sawyer was supposed to be godmother to my baby,” Susan said tearfully.
“What do you mean was?” Amelia asked. “She isn’t dead, you know. Of course she’s going to be the godmother if she’s up to it. How could you even think of anything else?”
“It’s such a shock. I guess I haven’t fully accepted it yet,” Susan said softly.
“And that’s another thing. Stop whining, Susan. Other women have babies. Other women’s husbands leave them. Face up to your responsibilities. Grow up!”
“Aren’t you being a little hard on her?” Rand asked, his eyes wide.
“You’re another one. Sometimes you make me so angry. You’re sitting here riddled with guilt, not knowing what to do. You already did it. Now stand up to it and handle that guilt. Do what’s best for Sawyer. And what’s going to be best for Sawyer is that you not be here when Susan’s baby is born. Go back to England.”
“I’m not a kid anymore that you can order around. Why do I have to go back to England? What’s done is done. I intend to work my tail off making Maggie see that I care for her. If that means I have to stay here, then I will. We will all deal with this situation the best way each of us knows how. I’m sorry you feel this way, Mother.”
Tears pricked at Amelia’s eyes. “Sawyer’s needs will be different now. She needs the warmth, the caring, of a man who loves her. If only you hadn’t been so rash. You could have put your life on hold for a year to see her through this. This betrayal, this blatant carrying on with Maggie. Just imagine what Sawyer must be going through, how she must be feeling.”
“There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think about it; no one will let me forget! But I still wouldn’t have done things differently. I don’t love Sawyer. Would you stay with Cary if he didn’t love you?”
Amelia flinched. “Of course not,” she cried.
“Susan, would you stay with a man who didn’t love you?”
Susan sniffed. “That’s a strange question to ask me. I’m here for just that reason. I don’t think any of us should say any more. We’re all uptight and liable to say things we’re going to regret later. Where’s Maggie?”
“She went upstairs to tell the boys. If there was a way I could do it for her, I would. She’s really hurting, Mother. You saw it at lunchtime, didn’t you, Susan?”
“Yes. I wanted to cry for her, but it wouldn’t have done any good. We’ll talk when the time is right for Maggie. I think I’ll go up to my room now and watch the news. It’s time I took an interest in what’s going on in the world. I’ll see you at dinner.”
“Now, what’s really bothering you, Mother?”
Amelia sighed. “Aside from Sawyer, it’s Cary. I told you I called him nine times and he didn’t return my calls. He wears a beeper and there’s a portable phone in the Bronco.” She looked up at him defiantly. “Don’t get the idea that I call and pester just for the sake of hearing his voice. In fact, I make it a practice not to bother him. But I really needed him today.”
“So, what are you trying to say?”
“I don’t think Eileen gave him my messages.”
“I think you’re off base, Mother. Surely, if that was her intention, she knows you would mention it to Cary this evening and ask him directly. What could she gain?”
“My husband. One of the other investors. She made a play for you over Christmas. Have you been in touch with her?”
“She called me one day and invited me for dinner, but I begged off. I don’t need any Eileen Farrells in my life.”
“I don’t need an Eileen Farrell in my life, either,” Amelia cried passionately. “God, she’s so young. Sawyer is so young. I’m sorry, Rand. It’s been a bad day. I think I’m going to go up and soak in a hot tub. If I’m not down by seven, check to see if I drowned.”
“I’ll do that. Do you want a copy of the evening paper?”
“No, thanks. I have enough problems without taking on the world. Relax, Rand, and don’t let this string you out to the point where you do something foolish.”
“I’ll bear that in mind.” Rand poured himself another drink. Then he settled down, his eyes fastened on the stairway, to await Maggie’s return.
Both boys stared at Maggie in disbelief. “Is there anything you want to ask me? I don’t pretend to have all the answers, but I can call Mam and find out.”
There were tears in Riley’s eyes. “It isn’t fair!” he cried.
“No, it isn’t fair at all. We all have to make the most of the time we have.”
“Can we call her?” Riley asked in a quivering voice.
“Of course, but I’d give it a week or so. Why don’t you write a letter first. What you put in that letter is going to be up to you, so be careful.”
“I will. I’m going to write my grandfather. He’s very fond of Sawyer. Excuse me, Aunt Maggie.”
Maggie was left alone with her son. There had been no show of emotion on his face when she’d told him about Sawyer. There was none now. “Cole, I ... wish I wasn’t the one who had to tell you this. I know how much you’ve come to love Sawyer. I’m so sorry.”
“Sorry, Mother? I find that a little hard to swallow. You’ve always hated Sawyer. Why should you be sorry now? Won’t you dance on her grave when they bury her?”
Maggie’s hand shot out. The bright red mark on the boy’s face didn’t make her apologize. Cole backed off a step. “This should fit right into your plans. You and Rand live happily ever after. Grand won’t have Sawyer to fuss over anymore, only you and Aunt Susan. You’ll be the queen bee, the great matriarch of Sunbridge. She’ll haunt you, Mommy dearest, until the day you die. You fucked up,” he said cruelly.
Maggie’s hand shot out a second time. “If you ever—I repeat, ever—talk to me like that again, you’ll wish you hadn’t. We don’t use words like that here. Remember that. I suggest you sit down and think about the coming year and what you can do to make it better for your sister. Dinner is at seven.”
“I’m not hungry.” Cole’s hand was on his cheek.
“I don’t care if you’re hungry or not. Be at the table and be civil. If not, you’ll get more of the same, only next time I won’t hold back. Do we understand each other?”
“Perfectly,” he sneered.
Outside in the hallway Maggie leaned against the wall. She was trembling so badly, she had to wrap her arms around her chest. She wouldn’t cry. She couldn’t lose control now.
As she stood there trying to gather herself together before going downstairs, the blinding whiteness from the second-floor landing drew her. She looked out at the mounds of snow extending into the distance as far as the eye could see. She’d been happy here for such a short while. Her heart told her that happiness would never return. Mam’s phone call had changed everything. Or was it the hours she’d spent reading her diaries, looking into her soul? What was that elusive thing called happiness? Did it really exist? Was it waking up with a smile in a place you loved, ready to take on the world? Was it titillating bits and pieces of time that made the adrenaline flow? Did it come from within or from outside? Was it insulating yourself from everything and anything so you didn’t feel? She shook her head. If you didn’t feel, you’d be safe from pain, but then you wouldn’t know happiness, either. It was a package deal.
Tears rolled down Maggie’s cheeks as she made her way downstairs. She made no move to wipe them away. Let the world see, for all she cared. The phoenix had risen from the ashes; so would she. She’d fight.
Cole Tanner stood in the center of his room. He felt disoriented. He should do something. Pound the walls, stamp his feet, bellow out his rage. He jammed his shaking hands into his jeans pockets.
Sawyer was going to die.
Not Maggie, not his father, not his aunts or Riley, but Sawyer. How could that be? She was so healthy, always taking vitamins and exercising. She’d worked like a dog with him this summer in the barn. If you were sick, you couldn’t work like that. She’d been fine in New York. She’d eaten as much as the rest of them, had trekked along for hours and never seemed to be the worse for it. She’d laughed and had a good time. He knew you could do all those things with a broken heart, but when you were sick you slowed down. You didn’t laugh when you were sick. Not Sawyer. Anybody but Sawyer.
He was going to be alone again.
Anger rushed through him. It wasn’t fair! Not to Sawyer and not to him. He didn’t care about the others: his mother, his grandmother, or his father. What did they know about loneliness, not belonging?
He didn’t care what his mother said. He picked up the phone and called Adam Jarvis. Adam’s voice came on the line, the same voice he remembered, only stronger somehow. “Can I speak to Sawyer?”
“She went for a walk with your grandmother. I’m not sure when they’ll be back. Cole, she’s all right for now. She’s trying to come to grips. She knows what the doctors told her, but she can’t quite believe it. Do you know what I mean?”
“I suppose so, I wanted her to know that she could count on me if she needs me. I could drop out of this next semester and come to New York. My father would agree to that. My mother would have a fit, but I don’t much care.”
“Sawyer knows she can count on you, Cole. Right now, though, I think she has to learn to count on herself. I’ll tell her you called and give her the message. Don’t be hurt or surprised if she doesn’t call you back for a while. And Cole?”
“Yes?”
“I’ll take care of her. Trust me.”
“Shit, I know that. Tell her ... tell her that ... Oh, shit.”
“Kid, the word love isn’t so hard to say. You have to practice it and use it. I’ll tell her for you.”
“No, don’t do that. I’ll do it myself when she calls me. Just tell her I called.”
“Cole, how did Riley take the news?”
“It was a blow. He loves her, too. He said he was going to his room to write to his grandfather. I think Sawyer and his grandfather were very close. Sawyer was good friends with his mother, too.”
“Maggie?”
Cole’s voice was cold, so brittle Adam thought he could hear the wire crackle in his ear. “Business as usual. Dinner’s at seven. Nothing upsets the routine here. If you want to know if she’s upset, I can’t tell you.”
Adam hesitated. “Rand?”
“That’s one cool dude. It’s in his eyes. I’d say—and this is only my opinion—he feels bad. He should for hurting Sawyer.”
“Don’t place blame, Cole. People do what they have to do even if we don’t understand their reasons. Don’t hate him; Sawyer doesn’t. Take care of yourself. I’ll tell Sawyer you called.”
“Call me, Adam, even if Sawyer doesn’t. Promise.”
“I promise, kid. Hang tough.”
Riley opened the door at the sound of a knock. He was stunned to see Cole standing in the doorway. “C’mon in.” He made no move to wipe away the tears streaming down his cheeks. Both boys stared at each other. “I don’t care if you see me crying. I don’t care if you tell anyone, either,” Riley said belligerently. “Here.” He handed his cousin a wadded-up ball of toilet paper.
“Who’m I gonna tell? She’s my sister. She’s the only one who ever cared about me.” Cole gulped. “What gets me is she didn’t look sick to me. We had such a good time in New York. Now she’s gonna die. I don’t understand.”
“I don’t understand, either. I was talking to my mother fifteen minutes before she was killed. I feel like you do. I don’t have anyone, either, but my grandfather, and he’s very old. Here in the United States I have no one but the Coleman family. I’ve been thinking about going back to Japan. That should make you happy.”
“Finally realized you don’t belong,” Cole said coolly. “About time.”
“That’s not why. I’d never let you drive me out.”
“I’d never stay someplace I wasn’t wanted.”
“When it’s you doing the wanting, it doesn’t bother me. If I do decide to go home,” Riley said defiantly, “it won’t be because of you.”
“I didn’t come in here to discuss that. I came to talk about Sawyer. We get out of school the end of May. I thought maybe she’d like to go on a trip or take a vacation. We could go for the whole summer. I don’t know anything about brain tumors, how she’ll feel or anything. Do you?”
“No. We could call up a doctor and ask. Your mother would probably know.”
“I’m not asking my mother anything. Adam will know. He’ll want to go, too. It’ll be like Christmas. We could make all the plans and sort of spring it on her and Adam.”
“Who’s this supposed to help? Them or us?”
“Us, you jerk. Nothing can help Sawyer. We’re just gonna be her support system. But we’re gonna need a lot of money. How much do you have?”
“In the bank or on me?”
“You are a jerk. In the bank. We’ll need money for tickets and money to rent some place. I’ve never been to Hawaii. Have you?”
“Only on a layover on the way here from Japan. I think I have thirty-three hundred in the bank, maybe less. The statement didn’t come yet and I took out a lot for Christmas. I can get some money from my grandfather if you tell me how much we need. How much do you have?”
“You must be kidding. I have fifty-six dollars and no place to get any more. It’s up to you if we pull this off.”
“I knew there was a reason you came in here. I’m writing to my grandfather now. How much should I ask for?”
Cole sat down at Riley’s desk and pulled out the calculator. “I’ve seen commercials on TV for flights to Hawaii. They quoted a $599 ticket, so that’s $2,396 for the four of us. Maybe we can rent a condo. That’s the off season for tourism in Hawaii, so let’s say $1,500 a week. If we stay a month, it will be $6,000. We have to eat and see the sights, take in the other islands. Probably $5,000 on top of that. Figure a total of $25,396. My mother will give me some money, and I can squeeze some from the old man. Not a lot, though, so don’t count on it.” Cole looked up anxiously. “Do you think your grandfather will send it?”
“When I tell the old one what it’s for, he won’t ask questions. What if we run short?”
“Then ask for a little more. If we don’t use it all, you can send it back. Look, I’m sorry I can’t contribute, but I can’t draw on my trust fund till I’m twenty-one. You know how hard it is for me to get money out of my mother. If you don’t want to go along with this, say so now.”
“I think it’s a good idea. Sawyer will approve of what she calls our ingenuity. Adam’ll probably be glad we took care of the details. The money isn’t the problem. It’s me and you that’s the problem.”
“We’ll call a truce. I don’t get in your way and you don’t get in mine. We managed at Christmas and we can do it again.”
“Okay. Truce.” Riley sighed. “Someday I hope you tell me what it is you have against me. I came here prepared to like you.”
Cole snorted. “Fat chance.”
“Right. And now that I’ve made you feel better, you can toddle off to your room and act like a man instead of a sixteen-year-old who thinks it’s shameful to cry. When I hear from my grandfather, I’ll let you know.”
“You aren’t throwing me out. I’m leaving on my own.” Cole turned at the door. “By the way, I ... I called Adam. He said Sawyer went for a walk with Grand. He’ll call us and keep in touch. I thought you might want to know.”
“Thanks for telling me.”
“Drop dead,” Cole muttered as he closed the door.
Riley sat with his chin cupped in his hand, staring at the door for a long time. It was really the first time Cole had come into his room and stayed to talk. Maybe they were making progress of a sort. He wished there was something he could do for Cole. How lonely he must be.
It was late; the bedroom lamps cast dim shadows into the corners of Maggie’s bedroom. The house was asleep except for the two of them.
Maggie lay in the crook of Rand’s arm, wide awake. He, too, was awake, staring at the ceiling. He liked the pressure of Maggie’s dark head on his shoulder, liked the feel of her body pressing against his. If this was wrong, why did it feel so right, so good? It was crazy, but he felt like he’d finally come home after a long, long journey. They nurtured each other, loved each other, and he didn’t want to lose what they’d found together. But it wasn’t going to be up to him. He knew Maggie was sending him away. This was their last night together; he’d return to England tomorrow.
He’d tried to explain to Maggie that what happened to Sawyer wasn’t their fault. The tumor had been there, growing, long before last July. Their loving each other hadn’t caused it.
“But our loving each other is causing this pain!” she’d cried.
She’d listened to his arguments but hadn’t heard a word he’d said. When he’d finished baring his soul, she’d looked at him with tears in her eyes and told him she’d miss him terribly. That she felt as though she were giving up a part of herself.
Now she lay in his embrace, her fingers tracing patterns down the length of Rand’s arm. “I know you don’t understand. I don’t understand, either. It feels right to me, so I have to do it. I’m an expert at giving up things; it comes easy to me. I learned at an early age that it was expected of me. They all expect me to give you up now. I don’t have any choice. Maybe someday ...” Her voice trailed off.
“Someday isn’t good enough. What’s been done is done. I’m not sorry. Maggie, we can’t let the past rule our lives. We have to deal with the future and with today the best we can. My going back to England isn’t going to change things. I know Sawyer. She’ll never come back here.”
“I have to try. Somehow I—”
“It’s too late, Maggie.”
“We have to go on from here. It’s something I have to do alone. If you’re here, I won’t be able to do what I have to do.”
“What exactly are you going to do? What miracle are you going to perform to make things right? Tell me, Maggie, so I can understand.”
“I don’t know, Rand. When I returned to Sunbridge, I thought my fighting days were over. I know now those little skirmishes were only preliminaries for the biggest fight of my life. And I have to win this one, not just for me but for Sawyer as well.”
Rand turned so he was facing Maggie, his face just inches from hers. “There are some things that can’t be fixed, Maggie, things that are better left alone. You’re going into a very volatile situation. You’ll need me here for support.”
“It’s true; I do need you, my darling, and that’s the reason I’m sending you away. I can’t allow myself the luxury of depending on you when the going gets tough. I have to start off like Sawyer—alone. Please, Rand, don’t make this any harder on me than it already is. Pap told me once that you have to take responsibility for your own actions. That’s what I’m trying to do. We’ll talk to each other from time to time. I’ll write; hopefully, you’ll write back. I want us to be friends.”
“Maggie, I want to marry you.”
Maggie turned away. How she’d longed to hear those words! For the first time in her life she was loved with an intensity she could return ... and she had to give it up. What irony.
“I’ll drive you to the airport in the morning.”
“That’s your answer—I’ll drive you to the airport?” Rand asked incredulously.
“It’s the only answer for now.”
There were no arguments left. Rand gathered Maggie into his arms again and held her close. Memory after memory flashed before him. He tried to lock them in his mind for all the long, lonely months ahead. He knew Maggie was doing the same thing.
They slept in each other’s arms, a light sleep full of dreams and promises.
Rand sat in the airport bar, an empty beer glass in his hand. He hadn’t wanted the beer—any kind of drink, for that matter—but he couldn’t sit and take up space without ordering.
He didn’t like Kennedy Airport. It was too big. There were too many travelers, none of them smiling. And he’d never known it to fail yet: every damn time he hit Kennedy, his flight was delayed. This time, he had an hour to kill. An hour to think. If only he could forget.
A familiar scent teased Rand’s nostrils. Sawyer’s perfume. He looked around anxiously. He could almost feel her presence, yet he couldn’t see her. He sniffed again. He wasn’t imagining things—there she was! He’d been so deep in thought, he’d almost missed her. Billie was with her; they were walking from the lounge, their arms linked together. He left crumpled bills on the table and rushed out.
“Sawyer! Billie!”
Sawyer turned, her face alive and bright for a split second before it closed to blankness. Billie wore a startled expression. Neither spoke; neither greeted him.
“Hello,” he said warmly. “What are you doing here?”
“I’m going back to Vermont,” Billie replied. “Sawyer decided to wait with me. What are you doing here?” “Going back to England. I’m sorry you couldn’t make Christmas. We all missed you.”
“We were snowed in.” Billie lowered her eyes, made a show of rummaging through her purse, looking for something she knew wasn’t there. Why didn’t he go away and leave them alone? Surely he knew. Maggie would have told him.
“What time is your flight? Can I buy you both a drink? I have an hour to kill.” He cringed at the casual use of the word kill. He wanted to bite his tongue.
“No, thanks. Grand has only a few minutes till boarding. Have a nice flight, Rand.”
“It was nice seeing you, Rand,” Billie said quietly.
Rand watched their backs as they walked away from him. Well, what in the hell had he expected?
He waited until Sawyer returned from the security gate. When she saw him, she tried to avoid him, but he blocked her path.
“I want to talk to you.”
“I don’t know why. You said everything there was to say at Christmastime. What makes today any different? I have to get home, Rand.”
“That’s a lie and we both know it. Come into the lounge and sit with me for a few minutes.”
“Why?”
“Because I want to talk to you.”
“I’m sorry, I have to go. I don’t want a scene, but if you persist, I’ll make one.”
“Sawyer, don’t hate me. Please.”
“Hate? That word is probably right up there with love. Hand in hand, you know, like salt and pepper. When you’re going to die—and don’t pretend you don’t know—that word takes on new meaning. There’s only one person in this world I hate. And it isn’t you.”
“That’s what I want to talk to you about. You have it all wrong. Why won’t you listen?”
“Because I don’t care. That means I’m not interested. Why won’t you listen to me?”
She turned her back and started to walk away. This time he didn’t stop her.
As Rand was flying toward the shores of England, Sawyer lay on her bed, collapsed in tears. She was glad to be alone, glad Adam wasn’t there to comfort her. She cried not for herself but for what she’d done to Rand. She’d left without giving him a shred of understanding, taking victory in the fact that he’d left Sunbridge and wasn’t with Maggie. She’d deliberately hurt him, wanted to stun him and force him to carry her bitterness away with him. She wanted to punish him because he didn’t love her. Was what she had done to him loving?
Hours later she awoke with a nagging headache and tried to sit up. The loft was too quiet. Adam was probably out running, she decided. He’d stayed pretty close these past days trying to bolster her. Steady-as-a-rock Adam. Who could blame him if he had cabin fever? She’d been just as steady, accepting the doctor’s prognosis like a real trooper. She knew she was still in shock—half believing, half disbelieving. Other people got brain tumors. Other people died. But God, she was only twenty-six. A year wasn’t enough time!
If it was all you had, it had to be long enough.
She fluffed up the pillows behind her head, picked up the notepad and pencil on her night table. Resign her job at the office. Money? Her bank account was healthy enough, no worry on that score. Her insurance was paid up. She had to change the beneficiary now; Cole, of course. Billie would understand. She’d make a will. Her stock to Cole and Riley. Little by little she’d dispose of her things so that when the time came and Adam had to clean out her part of the loft, he’d only have to deal with her clothes. Neat and tidy. Now it was down to basics.
What did she want? To be loved. To be wanted and needed. She wanted to share and laugh and possibly cry, but for the right reasons.
The biggest challenge of her life. Late into the night, when Adam thought she was asleep, she’d lain thinking about her grandfather Moss. He hadn’t whimpered and whined when he was told he had leukemia. He’d had a time limit, too, and had used that time to work toward his dream. She herself had carried out that dream with her grandmother’s help. How could she do less? She was, after all, a Coleman.
Since there was nothing she could do about her own condition, she had to start thinking about Cole. He would be her number-one priority. Maggie had forbidden contact with her son, but at this point in time, what Maggie wanted or didn’t want was of no interest to her. Like Moss, she would have to leave something behind, something Cole could sink his teeth into. Her dream. The only problem was, she didn’t have a dream of her own. She made a note to make an appointment with Cranston. They would be allies. She, for the betterment of Cole; he, for his own reasons.
Now the pen flew over the yellow paper. She had to write Cole—Riley, too. She would put both letters in one envelope addressed to Riley; he’d see that his cousin got her letter.
All things considered, she felt she had a handle on everything. She’d make it if the others gave her space. Adam was trying. So was Grand. Poor Grand. First Riley and then Moss. There’d been such love and worry in her eyes at the airport, but she’d carried it off.
The day Sawyer mailed her letters to Riley, one arrived from Cole. She read it several times and then showed it to Adam, who laughed in delight. “By God, those kids are something. I say we should go for it.”
“Me, too. Did you notice, Adam, that although Cole makes a point of saying it was all his idea, he gives financial credit to Riley? I told you the way the two of them sobered me up over Christmas. That was a joint effort, too. I’m pleased.”
“And well you should be. I’ll send the money back to Riley’s grandfather,” Adam said generously. “The kids will never have to know.”
“No, no, no, you can’t do that! Mr. Hasegawa would lose face. You can’t ever return a gift to a Japanese. Besides, he’d give the world to Riley if he could. Money means nothing to them. If his generosity could make Riley and me happy, he’d clean out his bank accounts. He gave blank checks to my mother for my grandfather’s plane. Blank checks! No, we’re going to accept, but I think three months is too long. Let’s go for six weeks and play the rest by ear. Agreed?”
“Sounds good to me. That means I have to get my work in ahead of schedule. I’m not going to have too much time to spend with you. What will you do?”
“Do? Do, you ask? Shop. As in shop. I’m going to run my credit cards to the limit. From here on in it’s plastic all the way. Do you need anything? As long as I’m shopping, I can pick up whatever you want. Listen, Adam, we agreed, business as usual. Don’t start pampering me now. Get your work done. Get it in so we can leave with free minds. Promise?”
“You got it. You want to rustle up something to eat while I shower? You didn’t do the towels, did you?”
“Nope, but I will. It won’t kill you to use the one you used yesterday.”
“And the day before that and the day before that,” Adam muttered on the way to the bathroom.
He stood under the shower spray, letting the water beat on his head. In the oblivion offered by the steam collecting on the shower door, he sank back against the tiles. Dry, heaving sobs racked him, the sound stifled by the pounding spray. Where would he find the strength to continue this charade? To go along with Sawyer as if everything were normal, as though they hadn’t told him he was losing her forever? He was already grieving, already denying what he knew to be true. Even though she would never say the words he so desperately wanted to hear, he loved her. He couldn’t think of a life without Sawyer. In the isolation of the shower he cried his grief, and for long after he remained there, struggling to regain his composure in order to face her again. He mustn’t let his emotions show; he mustn’t let her see his anguish. If he did, she would send him away, and he intended to share every waking moment with her for as long as they had.
Over breakfast Sawyer asked Adam’s advice. “Grand told me about this place high in the hills in Hawaii that Seth arranged for her and Moss when he was on leave. A lady, Ester Kamali, owns it but doesn’t live there. I wonder if she could somehow get in touch with the lady and ask if we could stay there. There’s a caretaker and housekeeper, or at least there was. Grand said it was the nicest place in the world and one of the happiest times of her life. Once she told me in secret that she thought that was where she fell in love with Thad, only she didn’t know it at the time. That’s where I want to go. I’ll call this morning and write to the boys so they can cancel any condos the travel agency wants to rent them. Grand has pictures. I’ll tell her to send them so you can see what I’m talking about.”
“I don’t like to bring this up, but I have to.” Adam bit into a piece of crunch toast. “Is it possible that Maggie can stop this trip? She does have sole custody of Cole now.”
“I suppose anything is possible. Riley already has his grandfather’s permission. I’m going to talk to Cranston. I don’t think we have anything to worry about. Maggie won’t interfere. If she does, we’ll have to switch to plan B.”
“Which is ...”
“Whatever the boys come up with. You and I are only along for the ride.”
“Then I won’t worry about it.... This toast is good. I kind of thought you were going to cook something. You know, something I could sink my teeth into, like eggs or pancakes. Food.”
“I don’t have time. I have to do the laundry and go shopping. Maybe I’ll stop by Cranston’s office instead of waiting for an appointment. He’ll see me because he’ll think it has something to do with Maggie and Cole. As soon as those towels are in the wash, I’m calling Grand. Get to work, Jarvis. I don’t want anything spoiling this trip, even if it is months away.”
Sawyer called her grandmother. Billie’s heart soared when she heard her granddaughter’s request. “I’ll get on it right away. I can’t promise anything, Sawyer. It was so long ago. I’ll call you back this evening.”
When Billie hung up, she dug out her address book and scanned the numbers. At Sunbridge there were ledgers, journals, notebooks, all dusty now, full of names. Surely Ester Kamali would be listed there somewhere. She called Amelia.
Amelia said she’d drop everything and return to Sunbridge to get the information, then call back as soon as she had news. When Amelia hung up, she called Maggie, who agreed to go to the basement and search out old telephone bills. Thank God, nothing at Sunbridge was ever thrown away.
When Thad returned to the house at lunchtime, Billie told him what was going on. Thad looked at her in amazement and then laughed. “Billie, why didn’t you call the house in Hawaii and ask to speak to whoever is there? It’s possible Phillip and Rosa aren’t there anymore, but someone should be. There’s also the possibility that the place has been sold.”
“Don’t you remember, the telephone number was unlisted.”
“Ah, now that you mention it, I do seem to recall having to carry the number in my hip pocket. That’s one for your side. What will you do if you can’t get the house?”
“Shhh,” Billie said, placing a finger on his lips. “One way or another, we’ll get that house for Sawyer. Trust me.”
“I do. I do. Personally, I think what those two young boys are trying to do is just as wonderful.”
Billie smiled wanly. “Not trying, Thad. They’re doing it. By tonight, it will be a fact.”
And so Ma Bell worked her magic, from New York City to Vermont to Texas, from the Pentagon to the Miramar Naval Air Station in San Diego, then on to Pearl Harbor and ending up in Hong Kong.
Amelia was on one extension and Maggie on the other as they called Billie to give her the news. “We got it for you, Mam,” Maggie said breathlessly. “I tried the number in Hawaii and it’s been disconnected.” There was awe in her voice when she said, “I had no idea Seth traveled in such high places. Amelia did some razzle-dazzling that would knock you off your feet.”
“Billie, we have the number for you. Everything sounded positive. The house is empty, has been for years. Rosa and Phillip passed away. There’s a grandson who looks in on things. Miss Kamali is living in Hong Kong and has never returned to the island.” She repeated the number twice to be sure Billie had it right. “You should be able to place your call. It’s tomorrow over there. Take a shot at it—and good luck.”
“Mam, if there’s anything I can do, call me,” Maggie said.
“I’ll do that, Maggie. Thanks again.”
“I got it, I got it!” Billie said, dancing around Thad’s chair. “Cross your fingers that Miss Kamali gives her okay. I’m going upstairs to make the call. This is going to be woman talk.”
“Go ahead, darling. I’ll sit here and smoke my pipe and remember the time we spent in Hawaii.”
“Just don’t fall asleep till I get back.”
“What do you have in mind?” Thad leered.
“The same thing you do. Stay alert!”
Thad watched his wife run up the stairs, seeing the young girl he fell in love with. He thanked God again, as he did every day, for his good fortune. He packed his pipe, struck a match, and waited. He would always wait for Billie. Till the end of time, if necessary, and in eternity he’d be there with his hand in hers.
Billie’s heart pounded furiously as she placed her call. She crossed her fingers and waited. Six rings, seven, and then a soft voice came on the line.
Billie introduced herself and waited to see if the woman would remember her.
“But of course I remember you. My housekeeper did nothing but talk of you for months after you left. What can I do for you, Mrs. Coleman?”
“It’s not Mrs. Coleman anymore. It’s Mrs. Kingsley. My husband died several years ago.” Billie quickly explained her problem. “Whatever the cost, I’ll pay it. Please, Miss Kamali, whatever it takes, I’ll do it.”
“My hesitation has nothing to do with money, Mrs. Kingsley. The house has been closed up for many years. I don’t know if it’s fit to live in. One of the caretaker’s grandsons is supposedly looking after it, but they get lazy, if you know what I mean.”
“That’s not important, Miss Kamali. I’d be glad to pay for repairs and to get it ready.”
“Please, call me Ester. I feel as though I know you. May I call you Billie?”
“But of course.” Suddenly Billie blurted out that she had worn the rainbow silk dress that had been packed in the chest.
Ester laughed. “Rosa told me. She said you looked beautiful in it. It made me happy knowing someone got to wear it. My beloved never got to see me in it.”
“You’ve never been back to that beautiful house since you left?” Billie asked in awe.
“Never. My soul is there. I’ll go there when it’s time for me to die. For now, my heart is here in Hong Kong. I have a pleasant life with a man who loves me very much.”
“And do you love him very much?” She had no right to ask, but she wanted to know about this faceless woman who could fill Sawyer’s life with sunshine for a little while.
“There are some loves that are for yesterday and others forever. My love belongs to yesterday and so do I. For now, what I have is pleasant. I’m able to live quite happily, but there are too many shadows in my life for me to move on. But to give you an answer, of course you may have the use of my house. Your father-in-law was very kind to some members of my family years ago. I could never forget that. If you can manage to send someone to Hawaii to look things over and have the house opened, you have my blessing. There will be no discussion of monies. It will be my gift to your granddaughter, and I will pray for her and for you. I’ll send you a set of keys tomorrow.”
Tears streamed down Billie’s cheeks. “I don’t know what to say. You’re the second-kindest person I’ve ever known. I can accept your generosity only if you allow my family to make any repairs the house may require. It would break my heart to see that lovely place fall into ruin. Please, say it’s all right.”
“I accept, but you must tell me who the first-kindest person in your life is.” There was a smile in Ester’s voice and Billie played to it.
“The person whose love for me is forever, my husband. Thank you, Ester. I’ll stay in touch. Perhaps one day we’ll meet.”
“I’ll look forward to that time. Good-bye, Billie. My prayers are with you and your granddaughter.”
Now she had to call Sawyer and tell her everything was set. Then a quick call to Sunbridge.
Sawyer was delighted. “I’ll tell the boys I know of a place. I know they’ll be thrilled. Thanks, Grand.”
“For what?”
“For coming through for me.”
“All I did was make a few phone calls for you. Good night, darling. I’ll talk to you later in the week.”
The call to Sunbridge left Billie stunned. “Let me do it, Mam,” Maggie pleaded. “Let me go to Hawaii and get the house ready. Sawyer doesn’t need to know I’m the one who’s doing it. Let her think the place is ready to move into. I’ll make up some story about where I’m going for the boys. I need to do this, Mam. Please say yes.”
“You’re sure you can handle it? Sawyer and the boys are not to know; is that right?”
“I think it would be best, don’t you?”
“For now, anyway. Maggie, what about your divorce and Susan and the new baby? When will you go?”
“The end of April, beginning of May. That would give me plenty of time. There’s not much I can do about the divorce. The lawyers are handling that for me. Cole is old enough to speak for himself. I’m hoping this time he’s going to spend with Sawyer will open him up to life. What I do from here on in is going to have a direct bearing on his decision. I’m hoping for the best, but I’ll be able to handle the worst. I’ll be here for Suse when she has the baby and the christening. It’ll all work out.”
“I’m sure it will. Maggie...”
“Don’t say it, Mam. Let me do this my way.”
“Maggie, please, listen to me. I was going to ask you about Rand.”
“I sent him home. I thought you knew.”
“Yes, I knew he went back to England, but I didn’t know you sent him back. Why? I thought you loved him. I thought he loved you.”
“Yes. Yes. He does. I do. We do. Oh, Mam.... It was for the best.”
“Who? For God’s sake, Maggie, for whom is it best?”
“Everyone. Sawyer, Amelia. The boys. Suse, too.”
“What about you?”
Maggie snorted. “Since when does it matter what I want?”
“It matters to me. Fight, Maggie. If Rand is what you want, then fight for him. Don’t let Sawyer or anyone else take that from you. If it’s right in your heart, then it’s right for you.”
Maggie’s voice was suddenly lighter, buoyant. “Mam, do you know what you just said to me?”
“Of course I know. You deserve to be happy, Maggie. So does Rand; so does Sawyer. Each of you has to find the way to make that happen. It isn’t too late for you and Rand. What was the last thing your father wrote to you, Maggie?”
Maggie recited the short, last letter Moss had written her. “Be happy. Those were his exact words. Mam, he said to be happy. Oh, my God, I sent Rand away. I was afraid to be happy. I’m still afraid. I love you, Mam,” Maggie cried before she hung up the phone.
“And I love you, too, Maggie,” Billie said softly as she replaced the phone. How important those words were! Everyone should say them at least once a day. Well, she was going to say them right now to the person who deserved them the most.
“Is this what you call staying alert?” Billie laughed at the sight of Thad dozing in the chair with three of Duchess’s puppies snuggled against him. She dropped to her knees. “Are you going to tell me happiness is snuggling with a warm puppy?”
“They were just standing in till you got here. Did everything go all right?”
“Everything’s fine. Come along, darling. I have plans for you, but first I want to tell you I love you with all my heart.”
Thad stared down at his wife, at the invitation and promise in her eyes. “And I love you for now and forever.”
“We make a good team, don’t we?”
“The best,” Thad said as he snuggled the puppies next to Duchess in her bed by the fire. “The very best.”
Maggie lay propped up with a stack of lace-edged pillows behind her dark head, paper and pen in hand. Rand would think she was out of her mind. Maybe she was.
Dear Rand,
When you receive this letter, you will probably think me out of my mind. I feel like a yo-yo and so must you.
I made a mistake when I told you to go back to England. You made a mistake by doing what I asked. I thought I was sending you away for all the right reasons, but I was wrong. Mam made me see it. She said if we love each other, we should be together and happy. The rest will take care of itself.
I’ll be here till the end of April, but I know you may need some time to think. And I understand. I just want you to know that I love you, for all the right reasons.
Forgive my fear and my weakness. Be happy with me.
All my love,
Maggie