As soon as you get back on that bull, I’m gonna come cheer you on.” Andy slapped Toby on the back. Once they’d gotten him started talking about the circuit, he couldn’t seem to stop. He missed it more than he would let on and it felt good to relive some of his glory days while he was forced to take a time-out.
“We’ll all show up.” Patrick, another one of his high school football comrades brought over another bottle of wine.
Toby moved his glass out of the way. “I think I’m done here, fellas.” He’d already finished a glass and he had a date to get back to with Jane. He turned around to look for her, but she wasn’t there.
“Where’s Jane?” She’d been standing right there with them only a few minutes ago.
“Who’s Jane?” Andy asked, refilling his glass.
“Jane. The woman I introduced you to five minutes ago.” He turned a full circle searching for her.
“Oh right.” His old high school buddy laughed. “Maybe she ran out on you again.”
Toby ignored him and walked down the bar. Aubrey stepped up to him. “She went that way.” The woman pointed to the doors. “About five minutes ago.”
She left? Jane had walked out? “Did she seem okay?”
“Not really.” Aubrey shrugged. “It’s Jane though. This totally isn’t her scene. It never has been.”
But they were on a date. They were supposed to celebrate his good news. Why would she walk out on him? Toby rushed outside and scanned the parking lot. Jane was seated on a bench near the road.
“Hey.” He ran over to her. “Are you okay?” Something wasn’t right. Something hadn’t been right since he’d picked her up, but he hadn’t wanted to push.
Jane looked at him, her eyes red and watery.
“What’s wrong?” He reached for her, but she scooted away.
“I’m sorry.” She dried her cheeks with the backs of her hands. “I’m really sorry. I called Wes to come pick me up.”
“Are you sick? I can take you home if you want.” He settled his hand on her shoulder, and this time she didn’t move, but she tensed under his fingertips.
“No.” She stood and turned away from him. “I’m not sick. I wanted to be happy for you. I wanted to be happy that you get to go back to doing what you love. But then I heard you talking in there about how you almost died, and I can’t do this.” She turned to face him. “I can’t.”
“Do what?” He stood too, trying to get a good look at her face. He hadn’t asked her for anything yet. They could take it slow. He didn’t want to scare her away. He’d do whatever she needed.
“I can’t love you.” There was a force behind the words, almost an anger. “And I can’t keep spending time with you because it makes me want to love you.” The tears fell faster now, and there was nothing he could do to stop them.
“This has to be over,” she whispered. “Right now. I have to walk away, or I will lose myself.”
He stared at her, not knowing what to say, what to do. He finally went with the truth. “I don’t want you to walk away.” But he also didn’t know how to keep her there. Not when it obviously caused her so much pain.
“You know what I’ve been through.” A horrible sob followed the words. “You know why I can’t do this.”
He knew. He understood. Nothing he could say would change her mind, but he couldn’t simply stand there and watch her hurt. He walked over to her, pulled her into his arms, and held her while she cried against his chest.
Wes’s truck pulled into the parking lot and her brother hopped out. “What the hell is going on?”
Toby didn’t want to open his arms and let her go, but Jane pushed him away. “I just want to go home. I need to go home.”
She ran to the truck and climbed in while Wes stomped over to Toby.
“What did you do to her?” He looked angry enough to throw a punch, and Toby wouldn’t care if he did. He was so numb he probably wouldn’t feel it anyway.
“I scared her,” he said, looking for Jane through the truck’s window. Her face was in her hands. “I was talking about my accident, about what a close call it had been, and I scared her.” He hadn’t meant to. That was the last thing he would ever want to do…
“She’ll be okay.” Wes’s scowl loosened into a look of understanding. “Just give her a little space. It’ll be fine.”
Toby shook his head, still reeling from the anger, the despair, and the defeat he’d seen in her eyes, that he’d heard in her voice. “I don’t think it will.” What could he possibly say to change her mind? “I think I’ve already lost her.”
* * *
“Ten more reps.” Toby pulled his chin up over the bar he’d mounted in one of the outbuildings near his cabin.
“You’re crazy.” Ethan dropped off the bar next to him and collapsed into the broken lawn chair in the corner. “I’m done, man. I got nothin’ left.”
“Suit yourself.” Toby continued on with his pull-ups, sweat rolling off him. His biceps burned but he pushed himself to keep pulling, to keep straining. This had to be a new record for him, even pre-shoulder injury.
“You’re gonna kill yourself,” Ethan muttered, watching him from the chair. “You’re pushing too hard. For the last week, all you’ve done is work out.”
“I got into a competition in Wyoming in two weeks.” He’d managed to get in at the last minute, so he had to work out nonstop or he’d make a fool out of himself in that arena.
“Sure, that’s all it is.” His friend rolled his eyes. “It’s all about the competition. None of this is about distracting yourself from what happened with Jane.”
That got him down off the bar. “What do you know about it?” He hadn’t said a damn word about Jane to Ethan. To anyone actually. Talking about it wouldn’t change the fact that she’d walked away from him and had been avoiding him ever since.
“My fiancée is her best friend,” Ethan said, stretching his arms over his head with a wince. “And Beth tells me everything.”
“Then you know there’s nothing to talk about.” Toby picked up a kettlebell and started to do some swings. He had to keep moving, to keep his mind off everything except getting back into that arena. It had become his obsession over the last week. It had gotten him through. If he could keep getting his body stronger he could keep focusing on the future. He could move on…
“Beth thinks Jane is in love with you,” Ethan said abruptly. “That’s something to talk about.”
“If she loved me, my job wouldn’t matter.” That was selfish as hell. He knew it. That’s why he hadn’t pushed things with her. That’s why he hadn’t forced her to talk to him since that night.
“Do you love her?” Ethan eyed him the way he always did when they played poker—watching for a bluff.
“I could. Real easily. Why do you think I’m killing myself here?” He’d been trying to keep his mind off Jane, trying to keep himself from storming into her cabin to show her he could make her happy. He could love her like crazy, even being a bull rider. If she’d let him.
“But you’re letting her go?” Ethan demanded. “You’re going to run off again, disappear on the circuit and forget all about her?”
He wouldn’t forget all about Jane. He couldn’t. Toby held the kettlebell against his chest and started some squats. “What choice do I have?” His muscles screamed and pinched, but it only drove him to move faster.
Ethan watched him, shaking his head. “You’re my best friend, but I gotta tell you, man…you’ve never fought for a damn thing that mattered.”
Toby stopped and stood up straight. “What the hell are you talking about? I work hard.” He’d fought for a place on the circuit. It had taken everything in him to work his way up, to compete, to win.
“I’m not talking about work.” His friend stood up and took the kettlebell out of his hands, tossing it aside. It hit the ground with a hard thud. “I’m talking about people.” He got in Toby’s face. “Instead of running, instead of distracting yourself with all this shit, you have to fight for relationships that matter. You have to fight for the person you care about most. That’s what Beth and I have done, and I can tell you, man, that’s the only reason it’s worked out for us. You don’t stay and fight, you’ll never have anything that lasts.”
Toby stared him down, pulling his hands into fists, but his anger only proved Ethan was right. He hadn’t fought for anything that mattered. He hadn’t fought for his brother’s memory. He hadn’t fought for his parents’ understanding. And he was running from Jane. “I can’t ask her to be okay with me competing.” Not with the fear he’d seen in her at the winery. He didn’t want to be the source of that pain.
“Do you have to keep competing?” He could always count on Ethan to ask the tough questions.
Toby collapsed into a nearby chair. Did he have to keep competing? For the last week, he’d ignored the pain in his body, along with every raw emotion, but now it all hit him at once. He didn’t have to keep competing. He could give it up. He could walk away from that, and it might be easier than watching Jane walk away from him. “If I quit the circuit, I’ll be letting him down. It’s all my brother ever dreamed of.”
“Your brother?” His friend looked at him like he’d gotten hit in the head with a kettlebell. “What brother?”
“Tanner.” He stared at nothing, seeing his brother’s face. “My twin brother. He died right before we moved here.”
“Shit, are you serious?” Ethan found a bucket and turned it over, sitting across from Toby. “I had no idea.”
“No one knows.” Except for Jane. And that was his fault. He could’ve been the one to talk about Tanner. He could’ve been the one to tell his brother’s stories. But he hadn’t. He’d failed him. “He wanted to be a cowboy, but he had muscular dystrophy. It didn’t stop him from loving life though.” He told Ethan how they’d taken Tanner horseback riding shortly before his death. How he’d laughed and whooped, how he’d hugged the horse and named him Tonto. He had so many stories like that about his brother. Talking about Tanner made him real, brought his memory back to life.
“He sounds like a pretty cool kid.” Ethan grinned. “Even cooler than you.”
“He was.” And he may have been the only one Toby had ever felt a soul connection with. He loved his parents, and he knew they loved him, but he and Tanner had this bond that couldn’t be described. It had felt like they were a part of each other.
Toby had never come close to feeling that with anyone else. Not until he’d told Jane his secret and she’d been so careful with his pain. Maybe that’s why he wanted to run. She’d left her fingerprint on the deepest part of him much like his brother had and then she’d turned him away. For the first time in his life, Toby didn’t want to be let loose. “How do I fight for her?” He looked up, hoping like hell his friend had an answer.
The abrupt change of subject didn’t seem to throw Ethan off. It was almost like he knew they’d go down this path eventually. “You decide what’s most important to you. And then you build your life around that.”