CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE
THERE AND BACK AGAIN
Gretel tells the three friends that it’ll take overnight to get the suits of armor made from the dragonhide, and as a bonus, the workshop will fashion sheaths for the Dragon’s Teeth as well. “Elves work best when everyone is asleep,” she says with a wink. “Everything will be ready by morning. Come back then!”
For a moment, Filomena, Jack, and Alistair look uncomfortable; they have nowhere to stay for the night. Filomena has ruled out going home—it would be too much to see her parents only to have to leave them again. They’re chill but not that chill. They’re going to want her to stay home this time, she’s sure.
When Gretel realizes they have nowhere to go, she invites them to stay at her place, above the workshop. She even makes them dinner, after asking if they’re allergic to anything. Jack and Alistair don’t understand her question.
“Like, if you can’t eat anything ’cause it might give you a rash or something? Or if you’re gluten-free, so you can’t eat bread?” Filomena tries to explain.
“I would starve if I couldn’t eat bread,” says Alistair, mystified.
“No, no allergies. Anything is fine. Even trash pizza,” says Jack.
Gretel laughs and says no one’s eating from the garbage and everyone has to get washed up. It’s the first time they realize they’re all dirty and disheveled from the trip to the Deep, and no one has had a bath in a while. After refreshing themselves, Filomena’s friends proclaim that the shower is “magic” and Alistair uses almost all the hot water. Gretel gives them robes and puts their dirty clothes in the washer and dryer. Soon everyone is as clean and shiny as Gretel’s kitchen.
“I’ve made pastries and potpie,” she announces, taking something sweet-smelling, crusty, and bubbling out of the oven.
“I wish my mom could cook,” says Filomena, sitting on a counter stool and watching with admiration. “But all we ever do is order takeout.”
“It’s easy,” says Gretel. “I’ll teach you one day. My brother taught me.”
While they tuck into the meal, they tell Gretel why they need the armor so badly. About the war between the fairies and the ogres, and how the ogres are winning.
She looks at the three of them sternly. “So, let me get this straight: You three are going back there again to … battle an evil witch?”
“And her ogre armies,” says Filomena.
“Is that safe?” asks Gretel
“Oh no, not at all,” says Alistair cheerfully.
Gretel looks concerned. “Should I pack you guys a lunch or something?”
“Sure! Cheeseburgers!” says Alistair.
The next morning, Gretel has left them breakfast on the kitchen counter—Hansel’s muffins—and after eating, they walk down to the shop. Gretel has already suited up the armor on three mannequins, and when she greets them, they notice she’s wearing one of the suits of armor as well. “Oh!” she says. “There was a ton of extra dragonhide, so I made a bunch more and thought I’d try one on.” She’s designed the armor so that it looks like a sleek, modern wet suit, except made from gold-and-silver scales.
“Keep it,” says Filomena.
“Truly?” asks Gretel. “I’ve never had anything like this. And you’re right—it’s better than a ball gown.”
“It’s yours,” says Filomena, giving her a hug.
Gretel laughs in delight.
The rest of them take theirs into the dressing rooms to change. Jack and Alistair put their armor on underneath their tunics, pants, and cloaks, so they look the same as before, except their arms are covered in the gold-and-silver scales. Jack’s vines peep out of the hem. Filomena puts on her usual hoodie and jeans over her armor. There. Much better. She slides her Dragon’s Tooth into its sheath, holstered on her hip. Now they’re ready to face the ogre queen and her army.
Gretel looks a bit wistful as they say goodbye.
“Come with us!” says Alistair.
“Me?”
“Yes!” says Filomena. “Come with. You already have the armor on, too!”
“But Daddy says it’s dangerous,” says Gretel.
“Well, it is,” says Jack. “He’s not wrong. Ogres on the march, war everywhere.”
“Which means we need all the help we can get,” says Filomena.
Gretel looks doubtful. “I have always wanted to go back…”
The dragons warned they would need many on their side if they were to defeat the ogres. Filomena presses their case. “Then come with us.”
Gretel sighs. “Well, Daddy is in Boca for the winter. What he doesn’t know won’t hurt him. And there aren’t any princes around here. Not that I need one, of course, but a girl can’t help wanting to look.”
“So many princes in Never After,” says Filomena. “Right, guys?”
Alistair and Jack shrug, utterly confounded by the conversation.
“But remember, this isn’t a matchmaking mission. It’s a dangerous war,” Filomena tells Gretel.
“Explosions, fire, weapons, and all that,” says Alistair. “And lots of flesh-eating ogres. So. Many. Ogres.”
“That means I should put my hair in a bun, yes?” is all Gretel says as she pulls her hair up and looks at herself critically in the mirror. “I don’t need a blowout for the battlefield. But if I’m going to Never After, I will need to pack.”
However, when they get to the Heart Tree portal, they discover that the formerly large and majestic oak tree is nothing but a stump.
“Oh dear!” cries Alistair. “The tree! The poor tree!”
Jack is angry, and his vines are slithering and twitching as if looking for something to strangle. “Whoever did this will pay.”
“Someone knows we’re here,” says Filomena. “And someone doesn’t want us to go back.” She thinks of the Ogre’s Wrath that followed them last time. The ogre queen knows. Queen Olga knows, and somehow she destroyed the only way back to Never After.
“There’s got to be another way,” says Gretel. “There always is.”
“Right! Let’s think,” says Filomena. “How does one travel to a different world?”
“Wardrobes are usually good ways to get to places you need to go,” Jack offers.
“Or chimneys,” says Alistair.
“Or rabbit holes,” says Gretel. “Wait, I think I remember Daddy telling us how he got here. He said he crossed some sort of bridge high up in the mountains above the city. As I recall, he said it’s called the Bridge to Nowhere because people in the mortal world don’t use it and don’t know its true nature.”
“The Bridge to Nowhere lies between the mountain plains. You’ll get from there to here and here to there without taking a train,” says Filomena, quoting from memory. “I thought it was only in the books.”
“No, it’s here in Los Angeles,” says Gretel. “I’m pretty sure.”
“Let’s see if we can find it online,” says Filomena, quickly tapping on her phone.
Sure enough, they discover that the Bridge to Nowhere is an abandoned bridge high up in the mountains east of the city.
“We’ll need to take another cab, but I forgot to ask my parents for my allowance,” Filomena tells them.
“Not to worry,” says Gretel, flashing a hint of silver that’s armor of a different kind. “I have a credit card.”