An art medium known as the autostereogram gained popularity in the United States in the early 1990s. A series of books and posters entitled “Magic Eye” was released. Autostereograms were three-dimensional pictures that “transformed” to a different picture when you shifted your perspective. There were instructions on how to achieve the proper viewing technique. You were encouraged to stand at a certain distance, soften your gaze, and patiently wait until the second image appeared. While some were able to find success quickly, a lot of people struggled. This struggle made it really challenging to soften and relax. Additionally, people reported that access to the hidden picture was often fleeting or inconsistent. These challenges could lead to a sense of defeat. Yet the pictures were a hit. The reward was worth the discomfort.
Managing your sleep problems can feel a lot like trying to figure out this Magic Eye art. Everybody has a recommendation or an opinion about what works. There is often a struggle with the prescribed guidelines. There is often this similar experience of inconsistent success. Yet despite the frustrations, we keep at it. We are compelled, again and again, to try to master sleep. This commitment to your sleep is likely contributing to your willingness to read this book right now.
You picked up this book because you are not sleeping the way you would like to sleep. You are reading this book so that you can design a program to promote more restorative sleep. Though CBT-I has been shown to be effective, it has two significant challenges. The first is that it requires you to be uncomfortable, both physically and emotionally. The second is that it requires you to trust in the process for a number of weeks before you see or feel any progress. This is going to be a struggle!
We recommend a psychological tool that can support you when you find yourself struggling. It is a frame of mind that increases your ability to reach your goals. This is true whether you are trying to ski trees, see a magic picture, or improve your sleep. This tool is willingness. Willingness plays a key role in helping you achieve your unique balance of all the factors that keep your scale tipped in the direction of restorative sleep.
Willingness is often used interchangeably with the term “acceptance.” Both terms imply the conscious choice to step back from our opinions and assumptions. This distance then allows us to view the world through a lens of objectivity. An example of this attitude would be: I am willing to read this chapter right now, or I accept that I am reading this chapter right now. It does not mean that you will like or dislike the chapter. It simply means that you are making a choice to engage in the process of reading it.
Willingness is not just a state of mind. It is also a state of action. You are open to reading this book. You are also, in this very moment, actually reading the book. We expect that you are also open to the content of this book. After all, you expect to learn something that will help you sleep. In chapter 2 we encouraged you to move from controlling your sleep to promoting your sleep. This can be a difficult shift, and willingness can help. Let’s use the example of the toy known as the Chinese finger trap to illustrate how willingness can support this paradigm shift.
Exercise: The Chinese Finger Trap
The Chinese finger trap is a popular toy that is made out of woven paper or other stretchy material formed into a single tube. You place one of your fingers from each hand in each end of the tube. If we ask you to get out, or escape the finger trap, you will likely pull your two fingers away from each other, attempting to slip them out of the tube. When you do this, the woven paper tightens, forming a trap that prevents escape. You are “stuck” until you are willing to do what is counterintuitive: push farther into the tube. When you move your fingers toward each other, the tube loosens, giving your fingers more wiggle room. Even before there is escape, there is space. And in this space it becomes possible to leverage your fingers and remove them from the trap. Shifting your effort from pulling away to leaning in is what allows you to escape.
Willingness will help you to shift your perspective on how you manage your sleep. Willingness will help you recognize when your well-intentioned attempts to “fix it” backfire and end up feeding your insomnia struggle. Willingness teaches you to recognize this trap. Willingness helps you to end this spiral. It helps you to know when to lean in, rather than to struggle and fight.
Willingness creates not just a shift in perspective, but also a shift in action. This willingness involves choosing a different set of actions to promote your sleep. Specifically, we will encourage you to use willingness in two specific ways. The first is to be willing to make behavioral changes that are uncomfortable. The second is to be willing to not sleep.
CBT-I relies heavily on behavioral change, and behavioral change is hard! Keeping a sleep log, restricting your time in bed, and skipping a nap are all examples of behaviors that are initially uncomfortable but can help you return to restorative sleep patterns. When you first read some of our suggestions you may react with something like No way. I’m not doing it. Or maybe you will consider doing it part way (for example, reducing your time in bed but not by as much as we suggest). Resistance like this is a natural part of behavioral change. However, you will need to be willing to endure the discomfort in the short term in order to achieve your goals in the long term. Your willingness to make room for your discomfort and frustration can significantly increase your ability to succeed with your program.
Have you ever noticed the double standard with judgments about emotional and physical discomfort? When we work on physical strength and fitness we are likely to experience discomfort, such as muscles aching or lungs burning. We consider whether this information signals if we are pushing too hard or not hard enough. Once we rule out any concerns such as overexertion or injury, we accept the discomfort. We label it as necessary to get stronger. We may even consider this discomfort a sign of growth. We have thoughts such as I am really working hard now, and This is part of reaching my goals.
Conversely, when we experience emotional discomfort (such as anxiety or frustration), we tend to immediately reject these experiences. We do not stop to consider if we are pushing too hard or not hard enough. We typically label all emotional discomfort as “bad” or “wrong.” We assume the distress is a signal that something is wrong. This type of reaction feeds the spiral. It leads to activation and struggle and an instinct to pull back rather than lean in.
In our experience, willingness to experience both physical and emotional discomfort is a key factor in success with sleep programs. Practicing increased willingness will help you manage the moment-by-moment discomfort that naturally accompanies change and growth.
Exercise: Why Am I Willing to Be Uncomfortable?
When you notice this type of resistance, we encourage you to consider the long-term benefits that can be gained by being willing to have this short-term discomfort. You may want to think carefully about the following questions: If I make this change, what will I have to give up? If I make this change, what might I have to experience? Am I willing to give up X? Am I willing to have Y? What do I hope to gain by giving up X or experiencing Y? How important are these gains I hope to achieve? Would it be worth it to give up X or to have Y if I knew I would make these gains?
Remember George from chapter 2? One way he is coping with his insomnia is by increasing his caffeine intake. If he decides to reduce or stop using caffeine, he will be giving up the hope of increased energy and focus (X). He may be more tired and uncomfortable in the middle of his work day (Y). This does not sound so good! But then he considers what he stands to gain: making this change, as one part of his treatment program, may help him sleep better. And sleeping better will allow him to be the patient and focused parent and business owner he strives to be. Thinking of these potential gains, George is more willing to experience the discomfort of decreasing his caffeine use.
Here are some additional questions to ask yourself if, unlike George, you are still conflicted about making a particular change: Can I be willing to be conflicted and still make this change? Can I try this, just to see what happens when I do something different? Am I willing to feel concern about being uncomfortable and engage in the program anyway?
What? We’re writing a book on treating your insomnia, and we’re asking you to be willing to not sleep? That’s right. Because that is the frustrating paradox: sleeping is one of the few things that becomes more difficult the harder you try. Sleep experts refer to this as “sleep effort” and have shown that there is such a thing as too much effort (Espie et al., 2006). Studies have found that when people consciously try to work harder at sleep, it invariably has the opposite effect (Ansfield, Wegner & Bowser, 1996). Therefore, we will ask you to be willing to shift your effort away from trying to sleep and toward behaviors and thoughts that will promote restorative sleep. The most optimal time to put forth effort around your sleep is during the day. We provide many tools and techniques for addressing your sleep needs, and though some of them require you to behave in certain ways during your sleep time, most of your effort regarding sleep is done during your wake time. This means that you will need to teach your mind to notice when and where the effort related to sleep works, and when and where it does not work.
Exercise: Tug-of-War
Let’s try another willingness exercise. Grab something that could be used in a mock game of tug of war, like a piece of rope, a belt, or a dish towel. If you are around someone else, ask if that person would be willing to participate by playing the “Insomnia Monster”; otherwise, do your best as we walk you through this exercise to imagine someone on the other end of the “rope.” Grab one end of the rope and have the Insomnia Monster grab the other end. Imagine that there is a big pit between the two of you, and you really do not want to be pulled into the pit. This pit represents all that you hate and fear about your insomnia. You will naturally feel some urgency to avoid this pit and will work as hard as you can to tug on that rope and avoid being pulled into the pit. You may even be hoping to pull the Monster into the pit! However, you are up against the Insomnia Monster—a creature with great power and strength. The harder you pull, the harder the Monster pulls. What do you do?
Most of us keep trying harder. We plant our feet and pull with all of our might, with our eyes fixed on the Monster. All of our resources go into our effort to not get pulled in. It is hard to imagine doing anything else. Yet there is another option. Do not play the game anymore. You can put down the rope. Are you willing to try this? If so, let go and see what happens. Notice what happens in your body and mind as you try this alternative approach. Notice that when you put down the rope, you no longer have to fear being pulled into the pit. Notice how your body can now relax. Of course, the Insomnia Monster cannot get pulled into the pit either; it is still there. But you now have your strength and energy to focus on something else.
Are you willing to drop the rope? Are you willing to practice reducing your sleep effort at night? Can you surrender to whatever this night brings?
When we ask you to be willing to not sleep, we want to be clear that we are not asking you to give up on your hopes and expectations regarding getting more consistent, good-quality sleep. Willingness and acceptance are about what is happening right here, right now. We are asking you to be willing to have whatever this one night brings. We are not suggesting that you resign yourself to a lifetime of sleeplessness. With resignation, you give up trying altogether. You do not even try to create or maintain healthy sleep habits, or to do a behavioral treatment program. We would not be writing this book if we thought you had to accept insomnia into your life forever! Paradoxically, being willing to not sleep (or not sleep well) on any given night allows you to relax into that night, to surrender, to decrease your sleep effort, and therefore your physiological arousal—making sleep more likely. Just like the finger traps; leaning into the space where you really do not want to be creates some wiggle room and allows something else to happen.
Exercise: Imagining Willingness
Imagine yourself in front of an autostereogram trying to see both pictures. Imagine yourself getting frustrated and responding by trying even harder to see both pictures. Now imagine asking yourself to be willing to accept that you may, or may not, see the hidden picture. Also imagine yourself continuing to stand in front of the picture, allowing for the opportunity to try and see what is right in front of you.
Now imagine yourself at the top of a mountain, preparing to ski a challenging tree run that pushes you to your limits. Notice yourself trying hard to manage your anxiety and fears. Now imagine yourself being willing to have those thoughts and feelings. Imagine yourself skiing down the mountain, allowing for the opportunity for an enjoyable experience.
Now imagine yourself preparing for bed and having thoughts and feelings regarding your upcoming sleep. Notice yourself trying to sleep and also notice your concerns and anxious thoughts about not being able to sleep. Now imagine getting into bed and being willing to have whatever thoughts, feelings, sensations, and experiences show up, allowing for the opportunity to build a healthy and sustainable relationship with sleep.
These shifts are not easy to make, even in our imagination! It requires time and practice to create this more willing and more effective stance. When you feel stuck regarding your sleep patterns, especially at night when you are trying to sleep, it is very natural to put in more effort, and try harder, and struggle. Can you lean into your experience instead? Can you give yourself more space, and be willing to have whatever this night brings?
In what ways do you pick up the tug-of-war rope? Think of situations where you feel locked in battle with your sleep problems. What thoughts do you have? What behaviors do you engage in? Do you toss and turn in bed? Do you give up on sleep by getting up and getting active during the night? Do you make choices during the day and night that you later regret (such as increasing caffeine, skipping exercise, or taking naps)?
While you are working through the next chapter, we would like you to practice “dropping the rope” and “leaning in.” That is, if you catch yourself thinking apprehensively about whether or how you will sleep tonight, notice this struggle and put the rope down, or lean into the discomfort of not knowing. See if you can approach your bed with the willingness to experience whatever this night brings. You can do this same practice if you are lying in bed awake.
We have produced guided audio of a willingness exercise, which you can access at http://www.newharbinger.com/33438.
In the next chapter we will help you build your individualized treatment program. We hope that you will be willing to work a behavioral program and learn and practice cognitive strategies. By “working a program” we mean fully engaging with it. Throughout this book we will encourage you to keep checking in about your level of willingness. If willingness is low, you may want to reread this chapter. If you need additional support in increasing willingness, we think you will find the skills of mindfulness and cognitive defusion (chapter 12) especially helpful.