part0032

THE BURN IN HIS THROAT spread all the way to his empty gut. Carlo flipped over to his back and belched. He scratched his belly and stared up at the ceiling. His brain and body was numb. He’d been on a drinking binge for two days straight so it was to be expected. The alcohol and weed made him disappear. It was a welcomed change.

Carlo sniffed. He sniffed the air again. He frowned. The stench of hell had passed. He smelled ammonia. Slowly he sat up and the moment he did his vision of the room swam in blurred waves. He put both hands up to his head and tried to stop the dizzying spiral. However, the pain slashing through his skull struck him with unyielding force. He could feel his strength collapsing.

After a few deep swallows he managed to open his eyes and regain focus. The first thing he noticed was the blanket that covered him. He looked down at his knees confused by its warmth and protection. He’d had plenty of black out drunk moments since the funeral but never did he experience one where he covered himself for modesty. He snatched the blanket off his legs. He reached for his bottle of vodka that was near him when he flipped off the bed to the floor. It was suddenly gone. Also gone were his beer bottles and smoking pipe. He pushed up and noticed the clean state of his room, which included a bed made with fresh linens he hadn’t seen in months. Carlo swayed as he stared at the empty bed. He sniffed again. The strong aroma of cleansing came from the bathroom. He walked into the bathroom and flipped the light switch. There was no power. “Shit,” he groaned. The electric company had threatened to do it. He wondered how long the power had been shut off. And who the fuck came by his place and cleaned it? Then he knew. There was only one person who would.

“Rolando,” he grunted.

He’d told the runt to stay out of his house if he wasn’t delivering his booze or his weed. He’d slap him around good for disobeying him before. Still the kid took his anger in stride and returned the very next day. Carlo staggered into the bathroom cursing and belching. He was weak from exhaustion. He barely made it to the toilet when he puked his alcohol lunch into the porcelain bowl. He didn’t bother to flush. He went to the sink and rinsed his mouth hard. The taste of bile and alcohol would only make him retch. He gargled down his mouth wash and rinsed again. He then drank from the tap to hydrate. He had a thirst so deep he nearly choked on his own swallows.

Once he was done he staggered out of the bathroom and went over to the closet. In the back of it was his crate. A gift from the Russians. He reached in and pulled out another bottle of vodka. He unscrewed the cap with his teeth and chugged down hard liquor. Three big swallows and the bottle was nearly half empty. Carlo let go another gut wrenching belch. He turned to the bed and flopped back down. He drank again but the burn of the alcohol triggered a gag that forced him to stop. It didn’t matter. He felt numb again. He dropped the bottle on his dresser and collapsed back into his welcomed stupor. His slip into darkness was swift and he welcomed it.

Shae heard the movement in the bedroom. She froze mid-step at the sound of him. Her heart beat so fast she was paralyzed with indecision. He coughed, and gagged. Then she heard his hard footsteps. She braced for his emergence. It sounded like he went inside the bathroom. Shae walked over to the door and pressed her ear against the wood surface. She listened. He was retching and then the water in the sink was on. He cursed in Italian and footfalls left the bathroom to reenter his room. She heard some shuffling and belching. Shae backed away from the door. Should she just walk in and force the conversation? The lawyers confirmed that Carlo knew about the baby. How could he know they had a child together and never try to contact her? It wasn’t like the man she loved to walk away from being a father. It broke her heart that he chose another woman and child over her and her baby. She put her hands to her head and worked again on being less selfish. She wasn’t here for her. She was here for him. That had to be her sole focus.

She waited. Time passed.

Her hand went to the knob and she slowly turned it. Shae held her breath. Maybe she should wait outside of his room on the sofa. Maybe she should make him a sandwich with the deli meat and bread Rolando brought to the house? She wasn’t sure. What she wanted to do more than anything was see him. Be with him. But how?

She pushed the door open again. Carlo lay in bed. He was already snoring. She remembered a few times when he was blackout drunk after Ciro died. He’d have only a few wakeful moments before returning to his deep sleep state once more. It was the only way his broken heart repaired itself.

With her heart in her throat she approached the bed. Carlo lay there on his side. He’d stepped out of his boxer shorts. They were on the floor. He left the blanket she found for him on the floor. Did he notice the room’s clean state?

Apparently nothing had fazed him. She turned to leave again but paused. The only reunion her man would understand was one she gave him. No matter his crime she wanted to put a stop to his never-ending torment. She picked up the blanket from the floor and got in bed with him. She made them both comfortable before moving in close to him. Her touch did nothing. He snored as if she weren’t there. She put her hand on his back and took comfort that he was still breathing. She’d stay by his side until he was ready to rejoin the living.

Deep within his sleep Carlo inhaled a rich yet sweet flagrance. What was it? The odor reminded him of a rose bush that bloomed in a bushes of strawberries. Did that exist? Whatever the fragrance was didn’t really matter. What mattered most was the way the familiar smell comforted her. He turned over and wanted more. And he found it. The warmth of his woman’s body. With his eyes closed he ran his hand from her hip and down her thigh. Carlo pulled her closer. This was the best part of his drunken state. The power to conjure her from the ashes of her grave and return her to his arms. When his eyes opened he wasn’t, however, looking into Adara’s. This time he was visited by Shae. He felt no guilt or regret for his elation. Since Africa he’d conjured his lovers in the same order. He kissed Shae’s nose and her forehead, lick Shae’s pussy and slip into her only to have her turn into Adara. It was always the same.

“Carlo?” Shae spoke.

He didn’t answer. He didn’t want an imaginary conversation. He didn’t need it anymore. And he didn’t know how long he would have Shae this time, but he intended to hold on to her for as long as he could. His mouth found hers and his tongue slipped in silencing her protests. Carlo’s lids fluttered shut at the taste of her. It felt real. She tasted real. The one thing he missed in the dazed throws of his delusions was the smell and taste of Shae. He remembered the sweet soft feel of her thick thighs and round ass cheeks when he’d put her in his favorite position. He squeezed them with both hands as he parted her thighs. Carlo’s tongue slipped out of her mouth to lick her throat. He ripped open the front of her dress. He found her pierced nipple and sucked it as his hands clawed at the thin lace panty ripping it away. Everything happened too fast. He eased into her and lost control. He held her down as hard as he could as he pumped his hips and pushed his love in and out of her until he collapsed half awake and half-drunk on top of her.

Shae froze. What transpired happened before she could do or say anything to encourage it. And when it didn’t finish, when he collapsed drunk on top of her she wept. She pushed him off her and escaped the bed. She went into the bathroom and closed the door. With her back against it she let go her own inner torment. Did he even know it was her? Did he think he was with Adara the entire time? What was she doing? Why didn’t she ask him to stop, wake him, anything? Why was she there? She put her hands to her head and forced down her own personal demons. The ones that made her a pariah to any social circle she wanted to join after escaping her sordid past in Chicago and Las Vegas. She was different now, and he was supposed to see that.

Frozen with conflict and desperation Shae couldn’t bring herself to return to the room. To hear that he thought he was making love to his dead wife. To hear him reject her like everyone she ever loved had done before. She waited for her fear to pass.

The stench from the toilet made her gag. She flushed it and closed the lid. She went to the sink and splashed water on her face. Carlo ripped the front of her summer dress as a man would a shirt from his chest. It split all the way down to her navel. She stared at herself for a long moment and faced the hard facts. Before this was all over she may lose her soul.

After an hour in the bathroom Shae found her strength again. When she returned to the room, Carlo was snoring. Shae picked up the bottle of vodka and carried it to the trash. She grabbed a chair from the kitchen and bought it back to the room. There she sat with her arms crossed. She sat and she waited. She would not make the same mistake she made before. This time she would wait and the next time he opened his eyes he would face her.

CARLO YAWNED AND TURNED over from his side to his back. He was slow to open his eyes but they opened. His room was dark except for the fading light from his window. He rubbed his eyes and suffered a severe cramp to his gut. He winced.

“Vodka for dinner might help.”

His vision shot left. Seated in a chair glaring at him was Shae. He blinked and then blinked again. She never looked away. She never disappeared. It was her.

“Shae?” he said and lifted on his elbows.

“It’s me. It’s not a dream. It’s not a nightmare, or whatever hell you’re having these days.”

“What am I doing here? Is that what you have to ask me? You just realizing I’m here?” She wiped at her tears. “Who do you think that was in bed with you?”

Carlo glanced to the empty side of the bed and then to her. He wasn’t sure what she meant. He closed his eyes and squeezed them tightly shut. He expected to find himself alone when he opened them. But she was still there. His Shae was sitting before him. If she was there, then that meant he was awake.

“Baby?” Carlo asked.

“Which one. Yours or ours? Because you don’t seem to be interested in either.”

“How did you get in here?”

The question broke through her cool disgust. Shae wept. He sat up but made no move to comfort her. He had no right. The front of her dressed was ripped. Did he do that? When did he do that? What the hell had happened? She wiped at her tears and sniffed. “I get it okay. You lost your wife. And the way she died... they told me. I feel horrible that I’m even here in her house. I didn’t come back here to disrespect what you two had... but what about us! Me? Do you even remember what we had?”

“You?” Carlo narrowed his eyes on her. “You told me you didn’t want me. I remember that.”

“I only said—”

“You said let you go!” he shouted her down. She fell silent. “And I tried. I fucking tried!”

“I know you did. I’m sorry.”

“Gio sent you? What does he want? I’m waiting to die and he sends you? Forget it. Tell him it’s not going to work. He can’t use me to—”

“You haven’t even asked me about her,” Shae said through her tears.

Carlo looked up at her.

“Our daughter. You haven’t even asked.”

“It was the first thing I asked.”

“No. You mentioned baby but you didn’t ask. How is she? Does she look like you? Does she have your eyes? She does you know. Look like you. Smile like you. She’s even stubborn like you.”

“You shouldn’t have come here.”

“I tell her about you all the time. Teach her the words you taught me! I do!”

Carlo tried to rise. But he felt weak and crippled from the drinking.

“I told her how we met? How I went for a swim in that hotel and made you see me. Made you love me. Because your eyes were closed. To everything good around you. And how you changed. But have you?”

“You forget to tell her how you told me to get the fuck out of your life?” he mumbled.

“I tell her my mistakes, your mistakes.”

He looked up at the mention of his failures.

“And you know what Carlo? She’s a baby. She loves us both anyway.”

“What do you want me to say? You told me you couldn’t have kids? Then I find out that you came to Italy carrying my child? What was I supposed to believe?”

“You were supposed to believe in me. To believe in me no matter what anyone ever said. I didn’t know I was pregnant when you left. I thought I couldn’t have a child. It’s hard to explain—”

“Don’t explain. I know enough. Giovanni had Umberto send you away,” he finished.

“When did you know?”

Carlo waved off the question.

“Answer me! Did you know before or after... you married... her?” Shae pointed to the picture of Adara on his nightstand. He glanced at his wife and then to her. It was no wonder he didn’t believe she was really with him. He’d been caught between the two of them since he lost her. His pride prevented him for saying so. He was still very angry at the world.

“It’s killing you, Carlo. This life, these people. You’ll die if you don’t get out of here.”

“Maybe,” he said.

“Don’t you care? If not about yourself, or me, what about your children? I know you care about them.”

Carlo glanced at her. “Everything I touch turns to shit. The Battaglias are the family I serve.”

“They don’t deserve you! Maybe one time they did. Maybe the man you were, was for them. But I know a different man. I don’t want you die,” she wept.

Carlo tried to summon a response but couldn’t. The lack of food and water had him bone tired. He felt empty. Shae understood. She made an attempt at modesty by drawing her ripped dress over her lovely breasts. But he saw her. All of her. And he remembered. He remembered thinking she was with him and making love to her? Was that a dream or did something else happen? Did he hurt her?

“You need to eat,” she said. “Can I put on a shirt? To cover myself?”

“Did I do that?” he asked.

“You didn’t know it was me.”

He lowered his gaze in shame. “Top drawer.”

She walked over to his dresser and pulled out a shirt. She pulled it over herself and walked out of the room. Carlo got up from the bed. He went straight to the bathroom. He looked a fucking mess. He turned on the shower and stepped in. He never showered as fast, as he did in that moment. When he was done he spent at least ten minutes brushing his teeth. He did his best to take his electric razor to his chin, but there was no electricity. Still he didn’t want to look like a piece of shit to her. He didn’t want to be so pathetic.

Carlo paused. He looked at the bathroom again. And then out of the door to his bedroom. From his point of clarity, he recalled the cleansed feel of his home. And he wondered how long she’d been with him. He wrapped a long towel around his hips and walked out of his room to an even more shockingly cleansed house.

“I could only make you sandwiches. The place... all the food spoiled and you don’t have electricity so the fridge is out.”

“I don’t need it.” He sat.

She joined him. It was darker in the living room because the shutters were drawn closed. But he saw enough of her to believe he was awake. He ate. She watched. When he had his fill he was the first to start conversation again.

“My daughter? She’s here?”

“Can I... see her?”

“In the morning. She will come.”

“What about your son?” she asked.

“I’ve seen him,” he said between bites.

“No you haven’t.”

He stopped chewing. He looked at Shae.

“I met Arielle. She told me you haven’t.” She touched his knee. She then drew hers away before the connection between them could be made.

“I will see him. He’s mine. I love him.”

“No. You don’t.” Carlo said and drank the water as if it was his first taste in years.

“Arielle said the Armenians killed her. Jasper? Is that true?”

“How did he get here? How did he know her?”

“He didn’t. He came for me. He found her.”

“She’s dead. They are both dead. It’s a complicated story.”

“Oh,” Shae said. “I’m sorry. I know losing your wife was hard. That you loved her.”

“I did love her,” he said finishing his sandwich. “And I didn’t.”

“Don’t say that. Not for me.”

“I’m not saying it for you.” Carlo sat forward. “I cared for her deeply. But I don’t love anymore. I tried that. I failed. What I feel is all I have left. And I gave that to her. Told myself it was enough. But it didn’t save her. So it wasn’t.”

“That’s another lie. I think you love too hard and too deeply.”

“It’s not a lie, Shae.” He glanced at her. “I don’t love her and I don’t love you.”

If she was hurt she was good at masking it. She stared at him without flinching. He was the first to look away. “I don’t love. But I care, and I care enough to know that I can’t do anything for my children the way I am.”

“Let’s stop talking.”

“I need to say this.”

“Don’t say it. Damn it! Don’t do this!” Shae got up and put her hands to her hips. “What happened to Marietta and Lorenzo?”

Carlo blinked at her. “Where did that come from?”

“They called me. Well, actually Marietta called me. She was desperate. They wanted me to come to Spain. To help you, but when I told her I was pregnant and had your child she went nuts. What happened? Did you do something to them?”

“Fine. Don’t tell me the truth. But don’t you sit there and say you don’t love me. It’s not going to work. I messed up, and so did you, but it doesn’t change what we feel for each other. I’m not giving up on you. I didn’t come here to bury you or to save you. I came because we did the impossible with our love. You did it twice, with me and Adara. You created something greater out of love. And that has to mean something after all of this shit that has happened to us.”

“You’re still pretty,” he chuckled and reclined back, his gaze swept over her. “Beautiful. Is my daughter like you? Does she have your skin? Your cheeks?”

“Meet her. See for yourself?”

Carlo got up with his plate and went back into the kitchen. He could sense Shae was with him. He was lethargic but he tried to appear normal as he rinsed his plate. “Thanks for cleaning the place.”

“Where’s what?” he asked and turned off the tap.

“The rest of it?”

“You’re going to have be more specific sweetheart.”

“The vodka? I didn’t find it in the kitchen and it wasn’t in the drawers in your room. You were drinking again. Where is it? Under the bed?”

“The alcohol isn’t the problem.”

“Are you using something stronger?”

“Did someone tell you I was?”

“Was! There! Good, that means you’re not doing it anymore. Whatever it was.”

Carlo chuckled. Shae was not amused.

“If we are going to do this tonight, talk about everything, all of it, then we do it sober. Now where is it?”

Carlo picked up a pack of cigarillos from the sink and plucked one. He lit it and exhaled. The nicotine did wonders for his headache.

“Find it,” he said.

Shae rolled her eyes to the challenge. She marched into his room and went straight to the bed.

“You’re warm,” he teased.

She got on her knees and looked under the bed.

She searched. Then she got up and checked the drawers again and the hamper.

“Cold... Ice water,” he said.

She started toward the bathroom.

She changed course and went to the closet.

“Hot. Smoking hot.”

Shae found his stash at the back of the closet. She pulled out four bottles from the crate. He didn’t object as she emptied them in all in the bathroom sink. Carlo walked over to the bed and sat on it. It only took a moment before the fatigue he was covering for won out and he stretched back to succumb to it. Shae returned. She stared at him for a moment and then sat in the chair.

“I want you to meet your daughter.”

“Are you tired?”

Sleep. I’ll come back later to check on you.

“I tried that. It’s not a good idea for either of us.”

“You can handle it, cara, remember?” Carlo extended his hand. She glanced to the picture of Adara at the side of the bed. He noticed the way she stared at it. He turned it over and then extended his hand to her again. Shae walked over. Carlo made room so she could join him but immediately drew her into his arms. She was stiff and unwelcoming. He guessed he deserved that reaction.

“You’re wrong. I knew it was you,” he whispered.

“You’re a liar. You were drunk.”

“Yes, I was drunk. I always see you when I’m drunk, when I’m high. I guess it’s the only time I have an imagination. And when I have an imagination I dream freely. I dream of you.”

Shae looked back at him. He touched the side of her face and stared down at her. She was more beautiful than he remembered. Even his imagination didn’t compare to the real Shae.

“I killed Umberto for taking you from me. If I had known you were in America and needing me, I would have come. I would have walked straight across the ocean and come for you. Nothing would have kept me away. I didn’t know until it was too late.”

“Because you love me?” she asked.

Though she wasn’t prone to tears, since her pregnancy she didn’t know the best way to control her crying. Today was no different. She cried against his chest. “I wish I could take it all back. All the way back to the day you came for me in Texas. The day I lost you.”

“You did what you had to do. You will do what you have to do. To protect our daughter. I want her to grow up in America, with a mother who knows how to raise a kid of mine,” he smiled. “I want her to have the best of everything I will make sure of it.”

“You are coming to America with us,” Shae said.

“Carlo? We’re going to do this together. I don’t care what it takes. Your son needs me too. I can help you both.”

“I have to ask you something, and it will be difficult to understand,” Carlo said. “If you love me like I believe you do, you will understand. I only ask because I want to protect my children.”

Shae pulled away from him. She remained on her side to look into his eyes when he spoke. She touched his jaw and realized he had shaven. It made her love him even more. She kissed his lips.

“Ask me,” she said.

“You mentioned my son, have you met him?”

“Ah, no, I did meet Arielle. She’s taking very good care of him.”

“If you meet him you will see. He’s a little soldier.” Carlo said with pride. “His mother was his world. To be without her, it’s too much for me. I can’t change it for him. And he needs a mother’s love.”

“He’s going to grow up strong and be someone important. Maybe a doctor, a politician, or even a judge.”

“Is that right?” she smiled.

“I want you to take him with you. I want you to raise him with my daughter. Take care of them both so they will grow up loving each other. Protecting each other.”

“What does that mean?”

Carlo touched her hair. He then looked into her eyes. “It means I want you to be my son’s mother. I will have the courts recognize you as his guardian. And I have money to make sure you won’t need anything.”

“Stop this!” she turned from him but he didn’t let her escape. “I told you, I’m here for you—”

“I’ve done things. Things you don’t walk away from. I belong to this life, to the very end. I thought I could make Adara a part of it. That I could be Gio or Lorenzo. I don’t want to be either of them. I want to be a father who puts his children first. They’re not brave enough to do this. Neither one of them. But I am. I know the best sacrifice is to let them go.”

“That’s not putting your children first. You spent your life chasing your father’s shadow because he left you behind. What do you think your babies will grow up to think?”

“You’ll give them a different life, and if I’m living when they are old enough to find me, I’ll explain my decision to them.”

“What about me? About us? Are you trying to punish me?” She got up from the bed. “Is this your revenge?” she paced.

Carlo shook his head in sadness. He sat up but she could tell he still felt weak by the ways his hands trembled. It didn’t matter. She wanted this fight. She’s wanted this fight since the day she found out she was pregnant. She’s been dying inside ever since. And now he was sitting there telling her to leave him behind. She could never do it. She won’t do it.

“I want you to forgive me too. But I know if you can’t I’ll have to live with your anger. I’m willing risk it to protect them and you.”

“Carlo? Please don’t do this?”

“What do I have to give you now Shae? I’m nothing.”

“You’re everything to me!”

“I’m nothing!” he shouted at her. “She died saying the very same things you’re saying now.”

“This isn’t about her! It’s about us! Me and you! We belong together.”

Carlo pushed up from bed and she took a step back. She wasn’t looking for his comfort. She wanted him to fight with her, she wanted him to fight for them. And when he didn’t she broke down in despair. She went into his arms pleading against the insane idea that she could raise his children alone. He held her so tight she almost believed she’d convinced him. Then he began to explain his decision again.

“I don’t want to hear it!” she pushed him away. He threw up his hands in defeat. He turned to lie down again and stopped when she began to undress in front of him. Carlo stared at her at first perplexed. A desperate woman could do many desperate things. And she was desperate at this point to have him.

“What are you doing?” he asked her.

She kissed him. She did so without touching him, without making any move on him. And he responded as all men do. He pulled her against him. The kiss deepened and so did her hope. If she gave him all of her love, it would stop his crazy talk. They could be who they were. She was convinced. And Carlo was a willing participant.

On the bed he paid close attention to her needs. As his head lowered to her clitoris. Shae exhaled. Carlo’s thumb brushed over the soft folds of the outer lips of her sex and parted them.

“Very nice,” he said at the sight of her. “Why did you take it out?”

“I was pregnant and my pus-ah my body changed. I had it removed.”

“I miss it,” he kissed her where she once pierced her clit for him. It was impossible to keep silent as his tongue then began the deep dives, swirls and licks. Or stop her body from reacting from the beautiful sensations sparked deep in her channel making her wet for him. And she quivered for him. She clamped her hands down on the sheets beneath them and bucked her hips against the invasive maneuvers from his darting tongue. She threw her arm up over her face to shield her vulnerability from him. Because she was falling apart too soon. They hadn’t even begun to get to the level of passion they once shared with each other.

She writhed on the mattress, sweating and panting in the descending darkness as he pushed her closer and closer to orgasm. And just when she thought she’d endured enough. His tongue slipped inside of her and spread more wetness around. Shae bit down on the inside of her cheek. Her pelvis thrust upward. And just as she reached that point of no returned something changed. She lowered her arm from her face and looked down to see him alternate from his tongue to his fingers. And it worked. Shudders moved in tidal waves beneath her skin.

Shannon Dennis let go.

Carlo wanted her to feel as beautiful as she was to him, to know how deep his torment was from Africa to his country land was for her. How many times had he been here, loving a phantom? His head was a mess. But this felt real. And he needed realness.

Trepidation settled in as he eased up and over her body, between her thighs. Shae groaned but her eyes did not open. He kissed her lips, his slicked with her juices. She rolled her tongue into his mouth as if savoring wickedness.

He was on top of her. He covered her from head to toe. He leaned his forehead against hers as his long cock positioned at her opening. Shae’s hands smoothed down his sides. His strokes began gently. He tunneled deep, but moved too slow to suit her. She didn’t want him to be gentle. She wanted him to be Carlo. She grabbed his ass and dug her nails deep with a vice like grip he grunted. His hands raised above her head and went flat to the headboard. His thrust went hard and fast forcing her thighs up and knees bent at an angle that opened her widely to his pursuit.

Carlo continued to drive his erection deeply. Sweat peppered his upper lip as he kept the motion of his hips at a steady and even pace. Abruptly, she was aware of the way her internal muscles tugged at his cock and drew him deeper with each plunge. She felt him swell bigger and harder and cried out when her own pussy went into distress. His hot seed creamed her inside and she clung to his sweaty torso unable to verbally communicate her bliss. Instead she shuddered and licked at his flat nipple and sweaty chest. And he collapsed on her cursing and adoring her with words in Italian. Shae smiled. She shouldn’t be happy. It was only a short time since he lost his wife. But he was hers again and she couldn’t help but be selfish.

“Late,” he said.

The darkness was so deep in the room she couldn’t tell if her eyes were open or closed. She kissed his bare chest and snuggled in even closer to him. He rubbed her back. They lay in bliss. Neither of them wanted to move.

“What do you do in America?” he asked. “Do you still work with children?”

“I started a non-profit of my own. We call it ‘New Beginnings’. I help girls the same way you saw me doing it before.”

“You’re good at it.”

“I have a daughter.” She lifted her head and looked down at him. She could see some of his face in the darkness, not much. “Her name is Jilly. I adopted her.”

“Fourteen going on Forty,” Shae chuckled. “She’s here. She’s watching Jewel. You’ll meet her in the morning.”

“I’m not going to change your mind. Am I?”

“If I do this. If I do. Then you have to do something for me?”

“Anything,” he said.

“You have to promise me that you’ll survive. That one day after you’re ready, you’ll find us. The same way I came back and found you.”

“I will survive. I know what you’re asking Shae and I can’t make any promises. But I also know you and... Adara are the only two whoever truly understood how hard I tried. When I was Africa I used to go visit a woman. She fed me opium. It was a terrible time. I saw this future. I didn’t believe it. I believe it now.”

“I don’t understand?”

“It’s okay. I will always love you and my children. And if I survive I will because of you.”

She smiled. It wasn’t the answer she wanted but it was close enough. She relaxed in his arms and closed her eyes. In the dark with his heart beating against hers she felt like they were the only people in the world. She didn’t care what he said, or how badly he’d slipped into his own personal darkness. She was not going to give up on him. Never again.

AFTER BREAKFAST THEY sat at the table and talked until she was out of words. Carlo told her everything. It was part of the deal, no more secrets. She learned of Marietta’s kidnapping and his failure to kill his best friend. She learned how he discovered she’d been pregnant and that Giovanni Battaglia was behind Umberto sending her away. She understood his marriage to Adara and his love for her, though he still struggled to admit to himself that when he felt love it was indeed real. Shae imagined this was two-fold. One, because he needed his guilt to manage his grief. And the other reason was because he was now convinced that he was cursed, and so was any love shared between them. She understood that curse, because it was conjured out of the deepest darkest place of insecurity a person could carry. So she agreed to do what he asked of her. And he agreed to stay alive until he could have faith in them again.

Omertà was the final lesson Shae received. It was a code of silence, of faith and loyalty to keep Carlo focused on the Mafias purpose. He could not break away from the Camorristi. He could not turn against his brothers or his Don no matter how much he wished too. He could not escape the vows he made to be killer. So the choice was made for them.

They sat in silence and digested everything they shared until there was a knock at the door. Shae looked toward it. Carlo did not. He stared down into the coffee mixed with butter that she made him drink.

“It’s her,” Shae said.

“I’m ready to meet her.”

Shae got up from the table and walked to the door. She opened it to find Jilly with their armed escort. She held Jewel in her arms. Her baby girl looked up at her with the brightest of smiles. She reached for Shae.

“Morning, bubba,” Shae cooed. She took her daughter into her arms and then kissed Jilly’s forehead. Last night was the first night since Jewel was born that she spent away from her girls. She’d never do that again. “We’ll be ready in an hour,” she told the woman. The lady nodded and closed the door. Jilly walked in staring at Carlo.

“Is that him Ms. Shae?” Jilly asked.

Carlo pushed up from the table. He’d put on a pair of jeans a white shirt. He looked decent but rubbed his hands on his sides as if they were dirty. “You’re Jilly? Right”

“I heard so much about you,” Carlo said with his charming sly smile.

Jilly went to him and hugged his waist. Carlo eyes stretched in surprised. “I knew you’d be okay. I told her you would be. We’ve come to take you home with us.”

Carlo patted her back. Jilly stepped back and smiled. “Do you want to meet Jewel?”

He stared at Jewel. His daughter looked at him curiously then at Jilly. She then turned her round head and looked at Shae.

“It’s Papa,” Shae said.

Carlo didn’t dare take his eyes off her. A part of him still believed he was in African in Abedi’s hut smoking Opium. That this reunion was a facade and the devil would jump out as the real surprise.

“Go on, she won’t cry. She’ll let you hold her. She’s really friendly.” Jilly said.

Carlo smiled again. Jewel had the roundest face with chubby cheeks. She wore a pink bow at the center of her locs. Shae removed the pacifier from her mouth. Jewel immediately replaced it with her two middle fingers. When he was a boy his mother would put hot peppers on his middle fingers to keep him from sucking them.

He was not sure what to say to her. What could he say? She was a baby. She was his baby. With his son it was different. His boy was too young to really know him. All baby Carmine wanted was a bottle or a changing. She was an Angel. And it was very hard for Carlo to look an angel in the face.

“Hold her.” Jilly said.

Carlo hesitated. Shae was patient enough to wait for him to make a move. But her adopted daughter was not. Jilly walked over and took Jewel from Shae. She came to Carlo and held his daughter up to him. “Jewel. This is your daddy.”

He took his daughter and held her out in front of him. She didn’t smile or cry. His girl stared into his eyes and he felt another deep pang of love. Carlo put her in his arms. Jewel leaned a little back to look up into his face. He feared she would reject him. She didn’t. She touched his lips and stared at his nose. She touched it next, giving it a squeeze.

Jilly laughed. “That means she likes you. I lied. She doesn’t let strangers hold her.”

Carlo laughed. So did Shae.

“That’s right Jilly. Jewel loves him because he’s no stranger. He’s daddy,” Shae said.

“I’m daddy,” Carlo said. He kissed Jewel’s cheek. He felt so much happiness it was hard to part with her. And for a while he didn’t have too. They sat in his tiny living room and Jilly did most of the talking. The young girl rushed through explaining everything from the birth, to Jewel’s lime green poop that she had to clean after feeding her breakfast.

He really liked the kid, adopted or not she was a little version of Shae. And he was hopelessly in love with his daughter. Which made him ache for his son even more. After an hour there was a knock at the door. Carlo felt his heart race. The love he felt in that moment almost made him reconsider. But when he stared down at his daughter and saw how innocent and pure she was, he wanted to protect her more than ever.

“Will you call me?” Shae asked.

Carlo smiled. “I’ll be in touch. I called Arielle when you were sleeping this morning. She knows you’re coming.”

“But how do I take the baby? How is it legal?” Shae asked.

“Arielle has handled things of this nature in the past. She will have everything ready for you.”

Shae wiped her tears. She took her daughter from Carlo after he gave her a parting kiss. She then put Jewel in Jilly’s arms.

“Go wait for me in the car.”

“What? Why? Aren’t you coming?” Jilly asked him.

“Go, do as I say.”

Jilly nodded and left with their escort. Shae came over and sat on the sofa next to Carlo. She took his face in her hands and kissed him. It was one of many kisses from her that would be forever in his heart.

“I trust you,” she said. “I know why you can’t leave today. I understand. But I also know you’re not going to let us go. You could never walk away from your children. I’m taking them to America and I’m going to keep them safe. You know where to find us, when you can.”

“If I ever can I will. You’re right. I loved Adara. And love you, too,” Carlo said.

“Really? You seriously just started believing?”

Carlo gave her a sheepish smile.

“You are so full of shit.” Shae grinned. She hugged him and kissed him. She held on to him as long as she could before she forced herself to let go. And it was hard. She left him seated. She picked up her purse. She paused and stared at him. He stared at her. She wore his shirt over her dress to cover the front of her. She had her shoes in her hand and stood barefoot. But she was still so beautiful to him. Shae gave him another kiss and then left. Carlo slumped back on the sofa and fought the urge to go after them. It was hard.