NEWS CONFERENCE
PLACE: Senator Moran’s reelection headquarters TIME: 3:30 Saturday afternoon.
(The Senator stands in front of the room. His family and staff are behind a long table on which there are many stacks of paper)
SENATOR (solemnly and grimly): It is rather late in the day to fight off the feeding frenzy which has enveloped me and my family in the last twenty-two hours. I have already been judged and executed without a chance at self-defense. I will begin by saying that there has been only one woman in my life and that I have been faithful to her since we were married. All allegations to the contrary are crudely crafted lies. I will now endeavor to demonstrate that they are lies.
First, I dismiss as frivolous the allegation that red hair of the unquestionably adorable Tommy Crawford is proof that he is my son. A minute’s thought would suggest that the red-haired genes come from the other side of the family—my wife, my father-in-law, my wife’s grandfather, and several earlier generations of west of Ireland Irish.
Secondly, my staff did a very careful search of Ms. Crawford’s governmental employment. She was never a member of our staff. I never met her. I do not know her. Nor did she ever work for the staff of another senator. Quite the contrary, at the time of her alleged relationship with me, she
was in fact working as a stenographer in the Department of the Interior. I have here on the table evidence of these facts which we have labeled “Exhibit A” in case any of you want to take copies with you.
Thirdly, young Tommy’s blood type is A as is evident from his birth certificate, copies of which are available as “Exhibit B.” My own blood type is O. It is impossible for someone with my blood type to have a child with the A type. My blood test is here in “Exhibit C.”
I note in passing that the lawyers, security guards and public relations personnel around Ms. Crawford in front of the district courthouse are all, in one way or another, associated with the so-called Oklahoma oil tycoon Bobby Bill Roads who has opposed me on various occasions. Here in “Exhibit D” are their names.
Fourthly, it would have been physically, indeed metaphysically impossible for me to have carnal relations with anyone in Washington at the time alleged. Ms. Quinn, where was I in August five years ago, do you remember?
QUINN: You were in Spain, Senator, all month. I saw you speak to the Cortes and meet the king and queen.
MORAN: And you so reported on your station?
QUINN (SADLY): Yes Senator.
MORAN: And you played clips from Spanish television of our peregrinations through Spain?
QUINN: Yes, Senator.
MORAN: Indeed. It would have been impossible for Chicagoans who paid attention to the media to miss the fact that I was in Spain. Did not even the wondrous Leander Schlenk complain that I was violating protocol by speaking to the Cortes? QUINN (SOFTLY): Yes, Senator.
MORAN: To prove that I could not have jumped on a plane, flown to Washington for some quick illicit sex and then flown back, we have here on the table Exhibit E, a photocopy of my official passport which shows one entry and one exit from Spain and one re-entry to the United States and a record of hotel charges throughout Spain during our month of travel.
I repeat, Mary Alice, that allegations made on your station last night were demonstrable lies and indeed made with
reckless disregard for the truth. Moreover, they have done grave harm to my reputation and that of my family. I hope everyone will offer quick apologies and retractions.
Are there any questions?
REPORTER: Senator, how do we know that you are really type O?
MORAN: I thought someone would ask that, Mr. Hollander. Nurse …
(Moran takes off his jacket and rolls up his shirt sleeve. Nurse draws blood from his arm into a vial and corks the vial. Moran rolls down his shirt sleeve and puts his jacket back on)
MORAN: Here you are, Henry. Do your own test of my blood. Incidentally, your paper will look pretty dumb tomorrow morning when it withdraws its endorsement and denounces me and then has to backtrack on Monday.
REPORTER: Are you alleging, Senator, that there has been a plot against you?
MORAN (SHRUGS HIS SHOULDERS): There is the evidence. What do you think?
REPORTER: Are you serious about suing the media?
MORAN: I certainly am. My lawyers on Monday morning will go into the Cook County Court and file a slander charge against Ms. Crawford and her unnamed associates. We will be asking relief in the amount of a hundred million dollars. The Chicago media will be next unless retractions and apologies are immediately forthcoming.
REPORTER: Don’t you feel any obligation to Ms. Crawford?
MORAN: I feel that she has already been amply rewarded for her efforts. I don’t believe in paying blackmail.
REPORTER: Do you think this is a plot to defeat you in the election?
MORAN: What other motive would there be for monstrous and false allegations so close to the election that there is really no way to effectively refute them? I add that the plotters effectively seduced the media to rush to judgment without a careful investigation of the facts.
REPORTER: Do you believe that Senator Crispjin was involved in the plot?
MORAN: I have no knowledge that he was.
REPORTER: You suggested that Bobby Bill Roads was involved with the plot and we know that he is close to the Senator.
MORAN: I pointed out that the people around Ms. Crawford frequently worked for him. I didn’t say he was involved in the plot. Moreover, as I said, I have no knowledge of Senator Crispjin’s involvement. I don’t believe in guilt by association.
REPORTER: Do you think this scandal will defeat you in the election?
MORAN: It certainly won’t help.
REPORTER: Do you regret your decision to seek reelection, Senator?
MORAN (SHRUGS AGAIN): What man in his right mind would allow his family to be put through the horror of the last twenty-four hours?