The house was dark except for the porch light, a lone beacon. Maggie’s little Honda hatch wasn’t in the driveway. Shit, the last thing I wanted was to be alone. Cole pulled up close to the door and left the engine idling; I didn’t make any move to get out.
‘Are you going to be OK?’ he asked. ‘Is Maggie home?’
‘She went out with some work friends.’ I didn’t look at him and hesitated before asking a question I wasn’t sure was wise. ‘Do you mind coming in for a bit, till she gets back? I just need some company.’
‘Yeah, of course.’ He edged the ute forward, killed the engine and the lights, then hopped out and came around to open my door. ‘Do you want a hand?’
‘Thanks.’ I swung my legs around, took his hand and descended from the vehicle as gracefully as I could in a straight skirt.
My fingers fumbled the key into the lock. I opened the door, reached my hand around and flicked on the light switch. Everything looked in the same tidy order in which I’d left it, and the sense of relief made me realise how nervous I had been that the police would come back for another go.
‘Come in, please,’ I said as Cole hesitated in the entrance. ‘Have a seat, I’ll make a cup of tea.’ I filled the kettle, turned it on, then excused myself to the bathroom.
Once there, I got brave and looked at my reflection. The face in the mirror was in dire need of repair. My supposedly waterproof mascara had failed dismally. Tears had washed pale tracks down my foundation. Lipstick was nowhere to be seen, only the drawn outline of my mouth where I had traced it with lip liner. Then there were my eyes. Even I didn’t like looking into those. God only knew what Cole thought: that was twice today he had seen me at my less than best. I turned on the hot tap and idly splashed my fingers through the stream as I waited for the heat to come through. All I wanted to do was collapse into my bed and hope that the oblivion of sleep would fix all my woes. Who knew, I might get lucky and never wake up. I soaked a facecloth with the now scalding water and held it against my face: the warmth was wonderful. I held it there till it started to cool, then heated it up again. Eventually, my face glowed bright pink – it was an improvement.
I took a few deep breaths and opened the door to return to my company. I had begun to feel a little odd about having him in my house.
Two mugs of tea emitted ribbons of steam on the side table; Cole sat in an armchair. I settled myself into the corner of the sofa and, with as much dramatic flair as I could muster, patted my hands against my cheeks and announced that I was ‘a bit more human now’.
‘It’s a definite improvement,’ he said, then resumed his study of the room, his body language a translation in discomfort. I reached forward and gingerly tested the tea he’d put in front of me. I gave a little sigh as its tannins registered on my taste buds; I appreciated its comfort. This Kiwi bloke had turned out to be a very thoughtful man. ‘Thank you,’ I said.
‘That’s OK, I found everything.’
‘No, not for that … I mean, yes, for that too. I mean thank you for tonight and for caring. I didn’t expect that from Lockie. It threw me.’ I shrugged.
Cole gave a small smile to show he knew just how much it threw me. I was slightly embarrassed by that. I wanted to think that if my day hadn’t been such a disaster up to that point, I would have handled Lockie’s request a little more objectively. He had every right to ask me to stay away from the funeral. Well, that’s what my brain said. My heart held an altogether different opinion, and the mere acknowledgement of that set me to sniffing again.
‘Look, you’ve had a hell of a hard day. Why don’t you go to bed? I can wait out here till Maggie gets back.’
My eyes began to overflow again. ‘Shit, Cole, I’ve got myself into such a mess. I don’t know what to do.’
He looked over, and then with the great deliberation of having made a decision, he got up and came over to sit next to me. He enclosed my knee in his hand.
‘Look, why don’t you get away for a while? Go home to your folks?’
Christ, my family. As much as a part of me wanted to run home to my mother’s arms, another part knew too well the failure that would admit. My pride could never let me do that. And I could not subject myself to the inevitable lectures that would come my way. Oh yes, they would give me a day or two’s grace to recover, then the insidious little comments would start – the wee hints here, suggestions there, and all in my best interests, of course. Mum had already made her opinion quite clear, so it would only be Dad’s presence that would hold her back from a full-on launch: ‘You don’t have to go back, permanently. You could stay here. We could find you work. Maybe the police isn’t really for a girl like you.’
A girl like me.
I didn’t really know what kind of a girl I was any more. I burst into tears again, and then tried to utter an apology when I saw the look on Cole’s face. The poor man was just trying to be helpful and all he had was a pathetic, hysterical, snot-covered female on his hands.
I was so busy with my self-flagellation, it took a few moments to register that Cole was picking me up, lifting me onto his lap, and enveloping me in his long muscular arms. I stiffened; then, with a howl, leaned in to his chest and gave myself up to the sobs.
I don’t know how long I sobbed or how long Cole sat there cradling me like a hurt child, but at some indefinable point the dynamic changed – a vertiginous shift that confused my senses. The chest that had offered tender comfort now offered the promise of strength; the arms that gently rocked me to ease my tension now created a tension of a different kind.
My self-pitying, hazed mind made an abrupt lurch into the here and now. My hand that had rested on Cole’s shoulder now caressed it. I watched it as it ran up the side of his neck and paused, cupped on his cheek. He stopped rocking me, and I could feel his breath hold, his muscles tense, as if poised for … what? I slowly lifted my eyes up to meet his. The look that bore down on me was a perfect fusion of uncertainty and hunger and I just had to consume it. I slipped my hand behind his neck and pulled his mouth down onto mine. His lips were uncertain at first, but they did not pull away. I felt any resistance drain away, replaced by hot, urgent need. I pressed myself hard in against his body and his hand reached up into my hair, to pull my mouth impossibly deeper into his. White light and pain erupted in my mind and I screamed out, the sound muffled by Cole’s lips and tongue.
Cole leaped up and I fell in a heap onto the floor.
‘Shit, fuck, what?’ He stood poised for action; his head whipped around ready to fight whatever foe might be there. I groaned and sat up, then leaned forwards with my head between my knees and my hands around my wound.
Realisation dawned and he dropped to his knees in front of me.
‘Shit, I’ve hurt you. I’m so sorry, I shouldn’t have let that happen,’ he said, and pulled his hands through his hair. He sat back on his heels and let out a sigh that sounded as tired as I felt. ‘I’m sorry, I’ll go. I shouldn’t be here.’ He stood back up slowly and started towards the door.
I couldn’t let that happen.
‘Cole, wait.’
He stopped, but didn’t turn around.
With the help of the sofa for support, I stood up, then walked over to him on unsteady legs. I wrapped my arms around his waist and rested my cheek against his back. I could hear his heart pound beneath my ear.
‘Please don’t go. I need you here.’
He grasped my hands and lifted them to his lips, then kissed the knuckle of each thumb in turn. Then he separated my hands and placed them down at my sides.
‘Look,’ he said, ‘I don’t want to take advantage of you. I don’t know what you want.’
No single word was complex enough to express what I wanted. But there was something he could give me that would assuage some of my needs for the moment. I turned him around to face me, then reached up my hand and, once again, guided his lips down to mine. When he eventually pulled away, he again offered me the opportunity to stop what was apparent from becoming inevitable.
‘Are you sure this is what you want?’
His chivalry only made me more certain.
I smiled, took his hand and led him towards my room.