Darrel would never forgive me, I thought as the words slipped out of the policeman’s mouth. The officer was trying to project passivity, keeping his voice at an even tone no matter what my answers were, but it was all an act. Every so often the corner of his mouth would flinch and a spark livened up his eyes. He probably had daughters of his own.

“It was just sex.”

“Jackie!” Mama sat in her favorite arm chair, looking horrified. Couldn’t tell if it was because she didn’t want me to say it aloud or if she didn’t want it to be true. She hugged her elbows and shivered, shaking her head slightly.

Heziah stood next to her. He let his hand drop onto her shoulder and gave it a little squeeze.

“We only did it once or twice.” I glanced over at them again, thinking the lie would make them feel better. It didn’t.

“Do you remember the dates?”

“No.”

“It’s in her diary,” Mama whispered to the floor.

“No, it’s not,” I lied with a straight face.

The policeman nodded and kept on writing his report. He thought I was a victim, like Mama did. That I’d been hurt in some way by Darrel. That tickled me at first, and then it made me mad. Who did she think I was? I wasn’t some poor defenseless puppy. I coulda said no to him. I simply didn’t want to.

“What’s going to happen now? Are you going to arrest him?” Heziah wanted to know.

“Right now, we’re investigating.”

“She told you what he did.” Heziah glared.

It occurred to me I’d never seen him mad before.

“He needs to be behind bars.”

“He didn’t do anything!” I threw my hands in the air.

“Jackie, be quiet,” was all he said before turning back to the policeman. “Do I need to speak to your supervisor? Because as far as I know, it is against the law for a forty-something man to…to…be with a teenage girl.”

The cop nodded and rose from his position on the sofa next to me. He didn’t need convincing. He was on their side.

“It’s procedure to talk to all the parties involved. I’ll be in touch. Oh, and if I could get that diary…”

“I threw it away.”

It was Mama’s turn to glare now. “Go get it,” she demanded. Mama never demanded anything. She always asked nicely.

They didn’t even bother waiting until I left the room before discussing me. Mama apologized to the cop. Again. He took it upon himself to explain girls like me—girls who had been through what I had with Darrel—we sometimes tried to protect our abusers. I rolled my eyes and climbed the stairs. My sisters waited for me at the top.

“Don’t worry. They’re overreacting. It’s no big deal.”

I knew abuse. Ricky made sure of that. Because of him I could smelling it in the air. Saw it hidden in the smiles of women on the street. Nobody knew it like I did except for mama. I paused with my most cherished belonging in my hands and considered if there was a resolution I hadn’t thought of before. Darrel wasn’t Ricky. He didn’t deal in fear. Only thing he’d ever inspired in me was lust. Maybe my diary would convince them. 

My sisters lurked in my doorway, watching me.

“Are you going to jail?”

“No, Nat. I’m not going anywhere.” I smiled. “Everything’s gonna be okay.”

The officer took my diary and assured my parents once again he’d be in touch. Mama walked him to the door, thanking him for coming by like he was a neighbor who stopped off to loan her some milk.

I was happy to be rid of the man and expected things to go back to normal now that he was gone, but those pitiful expressions didn’t want to leave their faces.

“What now? I answered his questions. Gave him my diary. What more you want from me?”

“Jackie—”

“You want me to say I’m sorry. Fine. I’m sorry. I won’t ever have sex again.”

“Don’t say that!” Mama snapped. “You—You too young to know ‘bout that! He…what he did was…he…” She took a deep breath and forced her arms down by her sides, so they were straight as arrows. “He raped you.”

“No, he didn’t. I’m a big girl. I knew what I was doing. You just don’t wanna accept it. Wanna keep treating me like a child, but I’m not a child no more, Mama. I’m not.”

“You are! And you not having no more boyfriends!” She played with the syllables of the last word, so I’d know she didn’t actually believe that was an adequate title. “Ain’t none of you gonna have no boyfriends!”

“Belinda—” Heziah made a move to talk some sense into her, but when Mama got going wasn’t no stopping her.

“I’m your mama, and it’s my job to protect you. So, I’m saying no. You stay away from these men. And boys. And quit drinking!”

“Should I become a nun too?”

Mama looked like she wanted to hit me. She took a few steps forward and bit her lip.

“Jackie, go upstairs. I think we all need some time to think and calm down. Right, Belinda?”

Mama didn’t answer. She blinked, exhaling through pursed lips.

Heziah lifted his head in the direction of the stairs and said, “Go on. We’ll talk more tomorrow.”

Tomorrow came, but there wasn’t much talking. They were waiting on me downstairs. Said Mya should go on to school without me. Then Heziah told me about this place in Cicero for troubled girls. Said I’d have people to talk to who knew what to say to help me understand things better. The time away would give me some space from the Darrel situation, he said. Mama didn’t say anything. She sat next to him clutching her hands on her lap.

“But I did what you wanted. I’m sorry I was smart. I take it back.”

“It’s not a punishment. We’re trying to help you.”

“Sending me away ain’t helping me! It’s…sending me away. Mama? Mama, please? I’ll be good. I promise.” I knelt down in front of her desperate for her to look at me, but she closed her eyes instead.

Heziah did all the talking.

“We’ve already made the arrangements. They’ll be here to pick you up soon.”

“Don’t make me go. Mama? Please? I don’t…I didn’t mean to…”

She sniffled and took my hands in hers, sharing my tears. She loved me, sure. Still didn’t stop her from handing me over to strangers.