It all started with a visit from Tamara, who, sadly, had told me after I'd returned from Paris that her pregnancy test had been negative. Once again, her dream of becoming a mother had been shattered. Now, she stood in my sunlit kitchen, grinning, telling me she had some news. I asked her what is was, praying the answer was what I was thinking it might be.
She grinned even bigger, her chocolate brown eyes filling with tears. "The last insemination worked. I'm pregnant. I'm going to be a mom."
I gasped and wrapped her in a hug. "Oh my gosh. Congratulations. Congratulations, Tam. You're going to be a wonderful mother."
We spent the next hour talking, laughing and ordering tiny pairs of baby booties online. Over the course of that hour, it began to hit me how badly I wanted to be a mother someday too and that I didn't have a lot of time. At thirty-seven, I knew it might be difficult for me to get pregnant. I knew if I ever wanted to be, I should probably start trying soon, at least within a year or two, at the latest. I suddenly wondered if Nate felt ready to settle down and have a child or children. Somehow, the subject had just never come up.
After Tamara left, I called him and asked if he'd like to come over that evening for a quiet dinner in, and he said definitely. I'd decided to just come right out and ask him how he felt about settling down in the near future, rather than go even one more day without knowing.
Later, while we ate at my polished blonde oak kitchen table, I picked at my food, wondering what his response would be and wondering why I hadn't thought about this sooner. But I supposed that I'd just been simply having too much fun with Nate. It was only Tamara's pregnancy announcement that had spurred me into deep, sudden, serious thought.
Nate seemed to notice that I was unusually subdued, and after finishing only about half of his meal, he asked me what was wrong.
"Did you have a bad day at work?"
I'd had the opposite, actually. A sale had brought customers streaming into my uptown candle store and profits for the day had been about three times higher than average.
I shook my head. "No, no, work was good. I guess I just need to talk to you about something serious. But it can wait until after we're done eating."
With his dark brows knitted together, Nate set his fork down. "No, if something's bothering you, I want you to tell me right now. Tell me whatever is on your mind."
"Well...okay." I took a deep breath, deciding to just come right out with it. "Tamara told me today that she's pregnant. And I'm so, so happy for her, but her announcement made me realize how much I want a baby myself while I'm still young enough to have one. So...." I took another deep breath. "I guess I just need to know, do you think you might be ready to settle down sometime in the next year? Do you see us, as a couple, moving towards marriage and maybe a child or two?"
Nate paled slightly, his expression something like surprise mixed with pain. "Well, I...I...." He paused, lowering his gaze to the table for a long moment before lifting it back to my face. "Well, no."
My blood turned to ice. "You mean...you mean, 'no' like maybe you won't be ready in the next year, but maybe after two? Or...."
He shook his head. "Justine, I'm twenty-six. I just want to enjoy life right now. I just want to travel and have fun. I just want to enjoy my success. And a child would change all that. I don't see myself being ready to settle down for maybe the next ten years. Maybe not even until I'm forty."
My voice came out in a whisper. "But I'll be fifty then."
He didn't answer right away, his expression pained. "Is having a baby really that important to you?"
It absolutely was. I couldn't even comprehend how he could ask such a question. "Yes. Yes it is, Nate. I want a baby of my own. I want a family. And if I don't get serious about it soon, it might never happen. Which means I definitely can't afford to spend the next ten or fifteen years just having fun. It means that I need to find a partner who shares my goals."
He exhaled in a rush, raking a hand through his dark hair. "Well, that's not me. I have no desire to be tied down in my mid-twenties. And nothing could ever make me feel otherwise."
My stomach twisted into knots. I felt sick. I knew it was over. I wasn't going to try to force him to want what I wanted. I loved him too much to try to pressure him into going down a road he wasn't ready to travel, and maybe understandably so. I didn't want to pressure him into a situation that would make him miserable. But I wasn't about to give up my dream of having a baby while I was still able to, either.
I looked at him with my eyes filling with tears. "If that's how you feel, then you should just go because we're over. There's no use prolonging—“
"Justine, wait. It doesn't have to be like this. We can still love each other. We can still have fun together."
"But fun isn't enough for me anymore. I want a relationship that's heading toward a long-term commitment, toward a family. And you've made it clear you're not ready to give me that. So, I'm saying it's over. I'm asking you to leave."
Nate studied me for a moment or two, clenching his strong, square jaw. "If this is what you really want, then fine."
I blinked, sending tears rolling down my cheeks. "It is what I want."
He snorted, and for the first time since I'd known him, I saw a glimpse of anger flash across his face.
"Fine." He stood, tossing his napkin on the table. "Goodbye, then. Just remember, you chose this."
And with that, he stalked out of my kitchen, out of my apartment, and out of my life. I burst into tears, burying my face in my hands. I couldn't believe how fast everything had changed. I couldn't believe what I'd done. Although I knew it was the right decision. That didn't make it hurt any less, though. That didn't make my chest ache so badly I felt as if my heart were literally breaking.
*
I spent two days in bed, crying. Nate didn't call. He didn't come over. I kept imagining him already out and having fun with someone else, a thought that made me sob. I fell asleep every night clutching the paper napkin swan he'd made me the morning after the first night we'd spent together.
The third day post-breakup, Tamara, who'd heard all about it, let herself into my apartment late in the afternoon and began pulling me out of bed. "Come on. Up, up, up."
"No. Just let me lie here."
"Can't do it. Can't let you keep getting sadder and sadder. You need fresh air. You need to get some perspective. And I'm not leaving until you come out and have a cup of coffee with me, so you may as well just get up right now."
I knew there was no use in arguing with her. She could be a pretty determined person. I dragged myself out of bed, hit the shower and threw on some clothes without even really paying attention to what they looked like or if the top and pants even matched. When I shuffled out to the kitchen, where Tamara had been waiting, she glanced up from a magazine and smiled.
"Now, that's better."
"One cup of coffee. That's it. Just one. And then I'm coming back here to get back in bed."
"That's fine. Small steps are the best way to recover. Although, if we somehow happen to take a stroll through the park to get some fresh air, that's fine, too."
We did end up taking a walk through the park after having coffee, although I didn't enjoy it much, and in fact, not at all. It reminded me of the parks and gardens Nate and I had strolled through, hand in hand, in Paris.
After a little while, I turned to Tamara, my eyes filling with tears for probably the hundredth time in the previous few days. "Can we just go home now? My heart just hurts so bad without him."
She put an arm around my shoulders, gave me a squeeze, and said okay. While she drove us back to our building, I stared out the window, the beauty of the sunny July day not even registering.
"I know I did the right thing by breaking up with him; I know I did. I know I'll never be completely happy without a family, without having a child. And by the time Nate's ready, I'll be too old for that. So I know I need to focus on finding a man who wants what I want, and in the near future. But, then, why does this all feel like I made a huge mistake? Why does it hurt so bad? Why do I feel like I'll never, ever stop loving Nate, no matter if I meet someone else who wants to get married and have a baby?" I sighed, realizing I'd been asking these questions repeatedly over the past few days, probably sounding like a broken record. "I guess there was just a tiny part of me that was hoping he could move up his life schedule a little bit for me. I guess I was just hoping that he loved me enough to do that. And be happy about it."
Tamara took one hand off the wheel and squeezed my shoulder but didn't say anything. I knew she didn't have answers. I was just grateful to have a best friend as caring and supportive as she was.
Once back at our building, she gave me a hug before going into her apartment, telling me she'd be back to visit the next day. I trudged off to my own apartment and got into bed. But not even two minutes later, a knock sounded at the front door. I reluctantly got out of bed and went out to the living room, wondering if Tamara had forgotten to tell me something. But when I opened the door, it wasn't her.
Nate stood holding a bouquet of red and pink roses, his eyes red-rimmed, like he'd been crying. "Can I come in?"
Stunned, I nodded, stepping aside. "Okay. Sure."
He came in, shutting the door behind him. "How have you been?"
I moved my shoulders in the slightest of shrugs, resisting an urge to throw myself into his arms. "Not great. Crying my eyes out a lot."
He winced, looking as if it had actually physically hurt him to hear me say that. "I'm so sorry. I'm so, so sorry for how I left. I'm sorry about everything." Suddenly seeming to remember he was still holding the roses, he handed them to me. "Here, these are just a small token to express how sorry I feel."
I took them, my eyes filling, not knowing exactly what to say. "Thank you. But this doesn't change anything between us. It doesn't change that we still can't be together."
"Give me another chance, Justine. I can't live without you."
"But we want different things, and—“
"No. Not anymore. I want what you want now. Our talk made me do a lot of thinking, and I've realized that I'm ready to grow up. I want what you want. I want to do whatever it takes to make you happy."
I stood sniffling, unsure of how to respond. Unsure about whether he was completely serious.
After studying my face briefly, he suddenly fell to his knees in front of me, right on the hard, un-carpeted floor of the foyer. He looked up into my eyes, his expression full of pain. "I've never fallen to my knees and begged before in my life, and I'll never do it again. But I'm doing it now. I'm doing it now, because I can't live without you. I'm begging you to take me back...begging you. Give me another chance, Justine. I don't want to live a day without you. I'm willing to commit. I'm willing to grow up. I'm willing to head towards a family and a child with you. So, please...will you take me back? Will you give me another chance?"
I searched his deep blue eyes, openly crying, now convinced that he was absolutely serious. Wiping my tears away with the back of my hand, I nodded. "Yes. yes, I'll give you another chance. I love you and I don't want to live a day without you, either."
With his mouth curving into a grin, he sprang to his feet, picked me up in his strong arms, and began spinning me around the foyer, whispering how much he loved me.
Wrapping my arms around his shoulders, my red and pink roses still in one hand, I whispered back. "I think this is the beginning of our happily-ever-after."