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Holly
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I’D WALKED OFF TOWARD the hot cocoa stand feeling like I was finally coming around to all those sugary sweet lyrics in Christmas songs. But when I got back to Lawson and overheard a snippet of the conversation he was having, the warmth and happiness drained away. Hearing him talk about someone named “Monica” took me from marshmallow world to blackened marshmallow at the end of a stick real fast.
He sounded happy, like he really was looking forward to getting back to the plans he was making and the woman he was making them with. My heart dropped and my stomach twisted. In that instant, the happy little illusion I’d allowed to build up around myself shattered, and I had to come to terms with the reality of what was really happening. Lawson was going to leave.
The more time we spent together and the happier and more comfortable I was getting with Lawson, the more I’d managed to convince myself this was something that was real and that I could actually keep. I’d pushed away all my misgivings and the resistance I had to start with when he first arrived and those earliest snaps of attraction built up in me.
His kiss had melted away the layer of ice I kept around myself and managed to make me forget he wasn’t actually still someone living in Snowflake Hollow. He was no longer a local with a house to go back to and a job to do on the mundane weekdays following Christmas. Lawson was a guest at my bed-and-breakfast, only there to celebrate the holidays with his mother and see to sorting out her personal business. When the season ended and he was finished with all he had to do, he would be gone.
I wasn’t just going to be able to see him whenever I wanted to. We wouldn’t still be making breakfast together in the morning and sitting out on the porch having a drink together in the evening. I doubted I would even have his help taking down all the decorations he’d put up around the outside and inside of the bed-and-breakfast.
He would simply be gone.
We weren’t at the beginning of something that was going to last. It wasn’t the start of a beautiful relationship. It was a fling I’d let myself drift too far into. It wouldn’t be long before he left to go back to where he lived.
That was when I realized I didn’t even know where he lived when he wasn’t in Snowflake Hollow. We’d talked a lot about me and how I’d gotten into running the bed-and-breakfast, but I hadn’t found out nearly as much about him. I didn’t know where he had gone to school after he decided to leave Snowflake Hollow or what he studied. I didn’t know where he settled or the job he had there. I was so wrapped up in the little snow globe we were living in here I had no idea what was waiting for him when he went back home. The home, the career, or the woman.
Suddenly, I went from feeling so good to feeling so stupid. I couldn’t believe I’d let myself get all dreamy about Lawson and start thinking something was actually there. Especially so fast. It had only been a handful of days, and yet I had tumbled head over heels for him. The way he held my hand and moved up close to me while we were talking to Grady made it seem like he had the same feelings for me.
Now, it just felt like I was just something to amuse him while he was here. Or maybe that I was fulfilling some sort of promise he had made to his younger self. He had admitted he carried feelings for me through high school. This could be his way of bringing his life full circle and getting to finally put those feelings to bed.
Unfortunate use of a turn of phrase. But applicable.
The fact that we hadn’t talked about any of it didn’t seem like he was trying to be manipulative or shady. Instead, it was just that he thought everything was obvious. He didn’t need to clarify anything because he would have no reason to think I’d need that conversation. After all, he was staying at my bed-and-breakfast. Clearly, I understood he wasn’t a permanent resident of Snowflake Hollow anymore. We were having fun with each other for the time he was there, and we didn’t need to waste any of that time dwelling on it.
This just made the whole situation worse. I couldn’t let him know I was feeling so many things. I didn’t want to show what was going on inside me, but I also didn’t want to be at the festival anymore. The excitement and fun had drained out of me, and I just wanted to be back at the bed-and-breakfast, in my room, trying to resist the next day from coming.
“Hey,” he said, putting his phone away. “Looks like you found some coffee.”
I nodded. “Yeah. Um. I was just thinking we should get going.”
Lawson’s face twisted in confusion. “Get going? We were going to look at the lights and the luminary trail.”
“I know,” I said. “But I’m just really tired. It’s been a long day, and I have a lot to do tomorrow. I think it would be better if I just went back to the house and got some rest. I mean, you could stay here and enjoy the festival as much as you want. I can call a ride share.”
“You’re drinking coffee,” he said. “And it’s not even eight o’clock. There’s still so much to see.”
It seemed like he was getting suspicious of why I suddenly wanted to leave, and as much as I didn’t want to be there anymore, I also didn’t want him to start asking questions and have this turn into something stranger and more uncomfortable than it already was. The luminary trail was something I’d been looking forward to, and I mentioned it several times throughout the day, so I could understand why it would seem odd I was trying to get out of it so quickly.
“I guess we can go look at the luminaries,” I said.
Lawson smiled. “There you go. That’s the spirit. And I bet as soon as you have more of that coffee in you and you have all those lights surrounding you, you will perk up and not even think about wanting to leave.”
I followed a slight step behind him as he headed for the head of the luminary trail. It created a weaving stroll through rows of Christmas trees and displays, making a beautiful and romantic activity for the evening. I’d been excited to venture into that candlelit path with Lawson, but now I just hoped it was short and we could get through it quickly.
I purposely used my hand closest to him to hold my coffee to stop him from taking hold of it and walked off to the side to minimize how much our bodies could brush up against each other. It wasn’t that I’d stopped wanting those touches or even that I was mad at Lawson. I wanted nothing more than to wrap my hand around his and lean into him, to feel his warmth and breathe in that wonderful spicy smell that seemed to come right off him.
But that would only make this harder. The more I let myself exist in that dream world, the worse it was going to hurt when it was over and he left. I had to come to terms with the reality that I’d fallen hard for someone who was going to be walking out of my life soon and who had no problem doing it. I didn’t think he was a bad person for that. We hadn’t promised anything to each other, and he had no obligations to me.
That didn’t stop it from hurting.
When we got through the luminary trail, Lawson gestured over his shoulder.
“See? It was gorgeous, wasn’t it?” he asked.
I nodded. “It was.”
“So, what do you want to do next? I heard some of the food booths have special stuff just for the night. Want to go hunt for some of them?” he asked.
“No,” I said. “I really do need to go. I have so much to do over the next few days, and I just need some rest. This cold has really gotten to me.”
“Are you sure?”
I nodded. “Yeah. Like I said, you’re welcome to stay here and look for all the special food if you want. It sounds like you would have fun doing that. I can find a different way back to the house.”
Lawson shook his head. “No. The only reason it would be fun is if you were there with me.”
My heart fluttered, but I tried to push it down. He was sweet. I couldn’t deny that. But I couldn’t let that cloud my mind and keep me from focusing all my energy on wrapping up this season and moving on.
