And so, Erin, I need to say that I’m sorry. I wasn’t the father I should have been. I wish I could do it over, but I can’t. In my own way I loved you. Please, remember that at least.
Erin finished the letter from her father and laid it down, sorrow threading through her as she looked around the ranch house that had been her childhood home.
When her sisters called yesterday morning, asking if she wanted to come to the ranch on Saturday for some sister bonding time, she had readily agreed. Dean was coming to work on the house again and for some reason, she wasn’t sure she wanted to see him.
So she had come here yesterday. The three of them had taken Caitlin for a long walk around the ranch, had laughed, cried and shared stories, catching up on each other’s lives. When Erin made a move to go home Jodie and Lauren had demurred, stating that Lauren had found a secondhand crib and put it in one of the rooms downstairs and fixed up her old room for her to sleep in.
She had agreed, but last night as she lay in her old bed in her old room, she had felt the same sorrow and regret her father now talked about in his letter. Her father’s words resonated through her, bringing up memories and emotions.
While her sisters had resented their time here, she’d loved it. And guessed her father sensed that, too. They would talk about the ranch together, the few times they connected face-to-face. Sometimes she rode with him to move the cows.
Though he was a taciturn man, there was the occasional time he had told her she was a good girl.
For her father, that was high praise.
She looked down at the letter again, re-reading her father’s apologies and struggled once again with a sense of shame. She certainly wasn’t the innocent girl he was writing to and she wondered what he would think of her now.
And behind that, why she hadn’t come more often to visit? She had all kinds of excuses for staying away and now, after reading her father’s much-belated expressions of regret, they seemed facile. Lame.
She felt she should pray and ask God for forgiveness.
But she shook the feeling off. The same contrition that kept her from praying had kept her from attending church with her sisters this morning.
Then, before she could delve too deeply into her dark thoughts, the door of the ranch house burst open and Jodie and Lauren’s laughter filled the eerie silence.
She got up from the couch, still holding Caitlin, and walked toward the porch just as her sisters came around the corner.
“Hey, you,” Jodie said. “How was your morning?” She gave her sister a quick hug, then stroked Caitlin’s cheek with one finger. “And how’s our baby girl?”
“We’re both fine,” Erin said. “How was church?”
“Pastor Dykstra had a good sermon and the music was great. Too bad you couldn’t come.”
Wouldn’t come was more like it, but Erin wasn’t about to admit that.
There was no way she, who once was such a strong proponent of morals and standards, could show up with a baby in her arms and no man at her side. Besides, she and God hadn’t spent much time together the past while. It would seem hypocritical.
“Can you give me my niece?” Jodie asked, holding her hands out to her sister. “I need my Caitlin fix.” Erin grinned as she carefully transferred Caitlin, still bundled up in a pink muslin blanket, to her sister. Caitlin’s head twisted back and forth, her mouth opened and then she sank back into the sleep that had claimed her ever since Erin had fed her this morning. Jodie nuzzled her as she walked over to the couch.
“Did Aunt Laura play piano during the church service?” she asked Lauren as the latter plugged the kettle in, then came over and gave Erin a quick hug.
“No. They’ve got a new singing group at church. Jodie plays with them once in a while.” Lauren’s hand rested on Erin’s shoulder as she held her gaze. “Did you have a chance to read your letter from Dad? What did you think?”
Erin wasn’t sure how to articulate her emotions. “It was good to hear he regretted some of the things he did.”
“Dad mellowed a lot before he died.” Jodie looked up from nuzzling Caitlin’s cheeks. “He even apologized to me. For everything.”
“I’m glad for you,” Erin said.
Jodie and her father had had a complicated relationship. Jodie bore the brunt of his occasional bad moods the summers they’d spent with him after their mother died. Lauren and their father had a more practical, though distant, relationship. For some reason he and Erin got along. Mostly, she suspected, because she always did as she was told.
Caitlin started fussing and Erin took her from Jodie. “I think she needs to be changed. She fell asleep after I fed her last.”
She snagged her diaper bag and walked through the kitchen, past her father’s office to the bathroom at the end of the hallway.
Erin took the changing pad from her diaper bag, laid it down on the counter and laid Caitlin on it, smiling as her daughter’s little hands batted the air. Her tiny mouth was pursed and her eyes were fixed on the light above the sink. Erin made quick work of removing the wet diaper.
While she worked she could hear the low murmur of her sisters talking and then heard her name mentioned.
“—just wish she could spend more time on herself,” she heard Lauren say. “It’s like she let herself go.”
Erin stopped dead in her tracks at her sister’s words, glancing down at the yoga pants and loose T-shirt she wore.
“Cut her some slack,” Jodie protested. “She’s a mom and probably dressing for comfort more than looks.”
But while she guessed Jodie was sticking up for her, the comment made Erin feel worse.
She pulled back, returning to the bathroom to give her sisters a chance to finish their conversation.
But that was a mistake because when she stepped back in she caught her reflection in the mirror. No makeup, hair slightly askew from where Caitlin had grabbed it while she was burping her. The T-shirt was an older one and, at one time, she thought it attractive. It had an asymmetrical style with ruching caught by large wooden buttons down the side.
But now, with her sisters’ words in her ears, she saw the missing button, the stain that never washed out. She saw the loose pants with their drawstring waist.
Is this what Dean saw?
She felt a shiver of revulsion, her mind racing back to the memory of Kelly and her snug jeans, cute T-shirt and perfect hair and makeup.
Erin knew it shouldn’t matter what she looked like, but that her own sisters would mention it made her wonder what Dean saw when he glanced her way.
And why do you care?
She wasn’t sure why. But she did.
* * *
Monday afternoon Erin parked her car in front of Brooke Dillon’s hair salon, Cut and Run, and bit her lip.
“What do you think, baby girl?” she asked Caitlin, who was tucked away in her car seat in the back. “Am I being vain?”
Lauren’s words from Sunday still echoed in her brain and while she knew she was taking them too much to heart, they still bothered her. This morning when Dean had arrived she waited until she knew he was working, then slipped out for her walk feeling suddenly self-conscious. And then she’d decided to go to town. Get her hair done.
But now that she was actually here, second thoughts assailed her.
Who are you trying to impress?
And as that last question slouched into her mind it was followed by a picture of Dean.
She pushed the car door open and got out, burying her changing feelings. It was just a cut and color. Something she’d needed for a while. Besides, it would be a great pick-me-up. A symbol of her new start here in Saddlebank.
As she stepped into the hair salon, Caitlin’s car seat hooked on her arm the aroma of expensive shampoo blended with the pungent scent of hair dye and hair spray washed over her. Their Aunt Laura had taken them here once in a while to get their hair done and the smells brought back happier times in her life.
A woman with purple-and-pink-streaked hair looked up from the chest-high reception desk, the ring in her lip bobbing as she gave Erin a welcoming smile. “Welcome to Cut and Run. What can we do for you today?”
“I’d like a color and cut.” She glanced around the full salon and realized how foolish her request was. Every chair was full and a few ladies sat in the reception area flipping through magazines.
The girl tapped her fingers on her cheek as she looked at the book. “I’m not sure we can get you in. Let me talk to Brooke.” She left, and as the women with the magazines glanced her way, then at Caitlin, she felt a sudden need to retreat. One of the women was Kelly’s mother. The other Erin recognized as one of the youth group leaders she had worked with a couple of summers all those years ago.
She was just about to turn to leave when someone called her name.
“Erin?”
Then Brooke herself came around the desk toward her. She wore a black silk blouse and a black skirt. Her blond hair was pulled back in an artful swirl of curls held by a glittering clip, and delicate silver chains hung from her ears. She looked elegant and beautiful and Erin felt even dowdier. The Brooke she remembered from her visits to Saddlebank had been less put-together. More casual. Looks like the roles were reversed now.
“I heard you were back in town,” Brooke said, smiling at her. “Keira told me at church yesterday.”
Of course. Erin should have known how quickly word got around a place like Saddlebank.
“How is Keira?” Erin asked.
“Great. She and Tanner are married. They have a little boy.”
“Oh, that’s great.” Erin and Keira and Lauren used to hang out the summers they were back in Saddlebank. And though they had lost touch, she did know that Keira and Tanner had been dating and then broke up. She never knew the reason why. So she was glad to hear they were together again.
“And this must be Caitlin.” Brooke leaned closer, her features softening as she touched Caitlin’s cheek. “She’s so precious.” Brooke smiled, but then her smile seemed to shift and to hold a touch of sympathy as she straightened. “Your sisters seem crazy about her and I can see why.”
Erin just nodded, far too aware of her washed-out shirt and loose-fitting blue jeans she thought would be suitable for a trip to town.
“I heard you wanted a color and cut?” Brooke asked, suddenly all business.
“It’s okay. I can see you’re too busy. I’ll come back,” she said, taking a step back to the door, her escape route.
Brooke waved off her objections. “Nonsense. I have time. Just come with me.”
Miss Purple and Pink Hair frowned at her. “But I thought—”
“I have time,” Brooke said, her voice firm. “Call Heather and reschedule. I know she won’t mind.”
“I don’t want to cause any trouble,” Erin objected. “Like I said, I can come back.”
But Brooke was already walking away from her and the receptionist was already phoning so she followed along.
“So, your little girl going to be okay while we work?” Brooke asked as she pulled a cape off the chair and motioned for Erin to sit down.
“She’s been fed and changed—”
“Oh, look at the adorable baby.” An older woman who was sitting at one of the hair dryers flanking the wall got up and scurried over, her hair tucked into various bits of foil, a cape covering her clothes. She crouched down in front of the car seat, her hand stroking Caitlin’s cheek. Then she looked up and Erin recognized Paige Argall, the town’s librarian. “Hello, Erin,” she said, her smile deepening as she got up. Then she gave Erin a quick hug. She pulled back, her hands on Erin’s shoulders. “Welcome back to Saddlebank.”
The warmth in her tone created a thickening in Erin’s throat.
“Thanks.”
“Is my niece here?” A voice called out and then Aunt Laura bustled into the salon. Short, plump, her graying hair cut in a shoulder-length bob, Aunt Laura, with her smiles and good humor, was the exact opposite of her brother, Keith McCauley, Erin’s father.
She hadn’t had a chance to see her aunt yet and when Aunt Laura’s arms slipped around her and pulled her close the tears that threatened came again. Erin let them flow for only a moment, then struggled to pull herself together.
“Oh, honey,” Aunt Laura said, bracketing Erin’s face with her plump, work-roughened hands. “What a long road you’ve been on to get back home.”
Which just about set her off again.
“But have you seen her baby?” Mrs. Argall, still crouched down beside Caitlin, asked, unbuckling her. Then she looked up at Erin. “Can I take her out?”
“Only if you let me hold her, too,” Aunt Laura insisted before Erin could say anything.
“We should get at the hair.” Brooke pointed to the still empty chair and with a flush, Erin hurriedly sat down, hoping Caitlin would behave herself.
“You didn’t need to cancel the other appointment.”
“Heather won’t mind,” Brooke said.
“Oh, absolutely not,” Paige added, cuddling Caitlin in her arms as she walked back to the dryer. “My daughter-in-law will do anything for a relative.” Aunt Laura sat down beside her and they were joined by a young girl who was sweeping up.
“So what are we doing today?” Brooke asked as she fastened the cape around Erin’s shoulders.
“I’m not sure exactly,” Erin said, making a face at her reflection in the mirror. Her hair hung limp and boring around her face as Brooke pulled it free from the ponytail tie.
Brooke lifted and fluffed, angling her head this way and that, the diamond on her ring finger flashing in the lights from the salon. “We can go with lighter streaks on the top, darker on the bottom. To give the hair some definition. I wouldn’t cut too much off, though.”
Erin just nodded as Brooke made suggestions. She had no preference, only that something be done. She wanted a break from her past. A reason to feel better about herself.
Or so you can look good for Dean.
She pushed the thought aside, but it lingered as Brooke folded foils in her hair and painted color on them, bringing her up to date on all things Saddlebank. Erin found out that Heather was expecting, as was her sister-in-law Abby, who was married to Lee, Keira and Heather’s brother. Allison Bamford, George Bamford’s sister and Brooke’s future sister-in-law, was going back to college. Alan Brady had expanded his mechanic business and an outsider had bought the grocery store.
But while she chatted, Erin gave her only half her attention. The other half was on Caitlin who was being cooed and oohed and aahed over by most everyone who was in the salon.
Seeing her daughter being passed around made Erin feel ashamed that she had stayed away from church, thinking people would judge her.
There hadn’t been any condemnation in anyone’s voice. No hint of reproach.
Only abundant acceptance and love.
And once again Erin had the feeling that moving back here had been the best thing she could have done for herself.
* * *
Dean carefully made his way down the scaffolding and when he got to the ground he stood back, a feeling of satisfaction washing over him. He had managed to finish off the siding as far down as he could reach.
And it looked great.
He heard the sound of a car arriving and he couldn’t stop the silly lift of his heart.
Erin was home.
He wasn’t going to go and check, but when her car door closed and he heard her walking to the house, he stopped piling up the scraps of siding he had dropped. Would she come and see what he’d done? Then the door of the house opened and his heart did that stupid jump again, but her footsteps returned to her car. This was repeated a few times until curiosity overcame his good sense.
When he came around the house, the hood of the trunk was up and all he could see of Erin was her feet.
“What’s up?” he asked, hoping he sounded like he was simply making casual conversation. Not being snoopy.
Erin squealed her surprise, then slammed the trunk of the car shut.
And Dean could only stare.
Her hair was shinier, shorter and sort of sassy-looking. And she wore snug blue jeans and a pale pink, loose sweater over a white tank top. Gold hoops swung from her ears.
“Wow,” he said, disappointed at how breathless the sight of her looking so different made him feel. “You look…amazing.”
Her cheeks flushed and she ducked her head in a self-conscious gesture.
“I thought I should get something done to my hair and then I met up with Aunt Laura and we went shopping. I got some new clothes that I decided to wear right away.”
“Well, you look great.” Too late he realized how that might sound. “I mean, not that you didn’t look great before.”
“I looked like a college student cramming for finals,” she said.
“You looked casual. Comfortable.”
She grinned at that. “Thanks for that, but I think I like amazing better.”
He wasn’t sure what to say so he focused his attention on the boards of floor samples she had stacked against the car. “What are you planning?”
“I thought the inside of the house could use some work, too,” she said, heaving the samples up by the handles. He hobbled over to help her, grabbing a couple of the samples, as well. These held various kinds of tile and the ones Erin carried to the house had pieces of wood attached to them.
“So what did you figure on doing?”
“I want to replace the flooring,” she said as he tried to get ahead of her to open the door. But he couldn’t keep up, his leg stiff from climbing up and down the scaffolding all day.
He was glad Erin hadn’t been around to see his slow progress. It had been disheartening even though he had gotten more done than he figured.
If he didn’t have his bad leg he would have been able to take down the scaffolding and accomplish so much more.
So now Erin was holding the door open for him and he had to move awkwardly past her, trying not to wince as he carried the heavy samples into the house.
“Just put them in the kitchen,” she said as the door fell shut behind her.
“Where’s Caitlin?” he asked as he carefully set the boards down, leaning them against the kitchen cabinets.
“Sleeping in her crib. She’s had a busy day. Got passed around at Brooke’s beauty salon while I got my hair done.”
“I imagine she’d been quite the hit,” he said with a grin. “She’s such a little muffin.”
Erin’s expression grew suddenly serious and he wondered if he had overstepped some invisible line as she held his gaze. “I sure think so,” she said, her voice quiet.
Dean wasn’t sure what she meant by that or what he was supposed to say so he poked his chin toward the wood samples she was laying on the carpet of the living room. “I’m guessing you want to put down hardwood flooring?”
“And tile in the kitchen.”
“That’s a lot of work.”
“I’ve done it before,” she said casually. “In the house I owned in San Francisco.”
“All by yourself?”
She chuckled at that as she stood up, walking around the samples as if surveying them from various angles. “No. I had help. Mostly my roommates and I, though Sam helped—” she stopped abruptly there.
Sam.
Dean remembered her saying that same name that morning when she had fallen asleep on the couch. She had sounded panicked when she said it, though.
“Was Sam one of your roommates?” he asked, trying to sound all casual. Like it didn’t matter to him who this guy was.
Erin shook her head. “No. Just someone who helped out.” Then she turned to him, her chin up, her eyes narrowing as they met his. “Actually, he’s more than that. Sam is, no, was, Caitlin’s father.”
Dean heard the angry edge in her voice, the repressed anger.
“I take it he’s not in the picture?” he asked, even though he knew he was edging toward a place he had no right to go.
“You take it correctly,” she said, her shoulders lowering as she looked away. “He’s not…not part of my little girl’s life.”
Which made him curiously relieved.
“Did you have any more samples to bring in?” he asked.
She shook her head. “No. But thanks so much for helping me.”
“No problem.”
He held her gaze a moment longer than necessary, as neither of them looked away. Old feelings blended with new and his breath caught in his chest.
Then Caitlin whimpered and his cell phone rang and they broke the connection, each attending to other obligations.
And as Dean walked away, his phone still ringing, he felt a tiny sliver of hope because of her anger with Caitlin’s father.
But even as he went through the usual list of “reasons why he couldn’t date Erin,” he couldn’t discard the moments of connection he had felt around her. And this time around, he had a strong feeling she felt the same.
“Dean here,” he said as he stepped out of the house, closing the door behind him.
“Yeah. Just thought I’d let you know that I can’t come on Wednesday to help with the windows,” Jan was saying. “Sorry about that. I can’t come until Friday.”
“Can you spare a guy to help me?”
“Not really. Sorry, bud. I’m running crazy here.”
The apology puzzled him. “So, did you want me to come work on the Mercy job?”
“You could,” he said after a long moment of silence. “I got all the guys I need but if you need to keep busy…” His sentence trailed off and while Dean appreciated the sentiment he also guessed that Jan was desperately thinking of a make-work project for him.
“That’s okay,” he put in, cutting off Jan’s attempt to make him feel useful. “I’ve got enough here to keep me going for a while.”
“You sure?”
“I’m sure. Thanks.” He hung up and suppressed a sigh.
He knew that working for Jan was a two-way street. After his accident Dean had taken a couple of months off and Jan had held his job for him. As well, Jan had given him time off for his ongoing physiotherapy. Which he’d been neglecting the past months because he felt so guilty for having been away from the job so much.
Which meant he wasn’t seeing the gains the physiotherapist promised.
He fought the usual feelings of uselessness, then pushed them aside. He’d just have to keep himself busy here. He really didn’t have much choice.
He heard Erin talking quietly to Caitlin and he felt his own heart foolishly respond, thinking of that moment they’d shared.
He just hoped he’d be able to keep his wits about him around her.
Especially now that she was looking even better than before.