Bowling Brook Apartments, Laurel, Maryland
In the morning, Jana startled herself awake and found she was in bed at her apartment. What was bizarre was that she could not remember how she got here the night before.
And then another realization came to her. It was the knowledge that her post-traumatic stress disorder had made an ugly return. I’m losing track of things, she thought.The notion turned her stomach.
It was then that she heard footsteps coming from the main area of the apartment.
Remind me again why I refused Secret Service protection?
The footsteps moved back and forth and Jana reached to her nightstand and pulled the 9 mm from its holster. She slid to the floor and crouched behind the bed.
The footsteps grew closer.
Fear impinged between her normal thought processes.
Jana’s finger found the trigger guard, and a voice began to reverberate in her head. It was the voice of her shooting instructor from her trainee days at Quantico.
Double tap, center mass, then one to the head.
Her heart rate exploded. She pointed the weapon at the closed bedroom door, but as the smell of freshly brewed coffee wafted toward her, tension eased from her shoulders.
The door opened and Cade’s eyes locked on the weapon.
She lowered it but thought, Paranoia, another warning sign of PTSD.
“Cade, dammit you scared the shit out of me.”
“Good God, Jana. Put that thing away. Didn’t you know it was me?”
“No, I don’t even remember coming back to the apartment. How did I get here?”
“Kyle and I brought you. What? You mean you don’t remember? The three of us drove from the office after you woke up.”
“After I woke up? Woke up where? You mean I fell asleep at the office?”
“You don’t remember putting your head down on the desk yesterday afternoon? We were right in the middle of a briefing and we looked over. You were asleep.”
Memory loss. It’s happening. Oh my God.
The blankness on her face signaled to Cade that she had no recollection of the events.
“Babe, this isn’t good. Didn’t the psychologist say something like this could happen?”
At first Jana ignored the question, but then thought better of it. “Yes, she said this was a possibility. But my PTSD was manifesting itself in those blackouts I was having, not this.”
“Those blackouts you were having? What about Spain?”
She put her firearm away, and continued. “We’re getting off topic. What did I miss while I was asleep yesterday?”
“Off topic? No, we’re not getting off topic. We are talking about your PTSD. You’re just trying to change the subject.”
“I don’t have time for PTSD! There’s a nuclear weapon on the loose and I have to stop it.”
“There you go again. You think it’s just you against Jarrah.” Cade shook his head. He was getting nowhere and he knew it. “We were talking about the glass bead and the potential symbolism. I’m worried about you, Jana. I had hoped your time in Spain would’ve helped you put the PTSD, the stress, the shooting, behind you. But if you continue to work at the bureau, I’m not sure it’s ever going away.”
Cade drew in a deep breath, then continued. “We’re growing apart, Jana. You and I were doing so well. We were growing closer. We spent time together in Spain. But when you decided to take a leave of absence and go hike the trail, that’s when things started to fall apart.”
“Cade, I needed that time. I needed to go on that hike. The Camino Trail isn’t just some place where I spent two months away from you. That trail has been helping people come to grips with the turmoil in their lives for over a thousand years. People come from all over the world to take that hike. It’s a spiritual pilgrimage.”
“I know, I know,” he replied. “The Camino Trail means a lot of things to a lot of people. You told me. But you’re still not addressing the problem. When the terrorism case went bad last year, and it turned out we were following the wrong suspect, it wasn’t just a failure on your part, it was a failure on mine as well. And because of it, countless people died in a blast we should have been able to stop. And then we had to watch the news of all the devastation. Did you ever stop to think that I needed you during that time?”
“You needed me for sex.”
“That’s crap!” Cade yelled. “I can’t believe you said that. Jana, this job is tearing you apart.” He was almost yelling. “It’s changing you. You are nothing like the girl I fell in love with.” His face flushed. “I don’t know you anymore. You have grown too accustomed to lying to yourself.”
“Oh, and you don’t lie?”
“No, not with you I don’t. I tell you everything. But you, you hold it all inside, then you lie to me and tell me you’re fine. You won’t share anything with me.”
“The difference is I lie for a reason.” Wet heat spread across her face, but she was not about to let the building torrent of emotions get the best of her.
“You mean you lie for a living!” Cade said as a vein protruded from his forehead.
“You know what I do for a living. I’m a federal agent. You know I can’t share everything with you.”
“I don’t expect you to share everything from your job with me. But you don’t share anything with me. I want to know you, but you won’t open up.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” This time, her stomach clenched, a telltale sign that the emotional dam was about to break.
“Jana, I’m in love with you. Don’t you understand that? I want to know you. I want to know the Jana that was still herself when we first met.”
“I’m still her.”
Cade put his arms on her shoulders. “Baby, you are not yourself anymore. This job of yours, chasing terrorists, it’s changed you. My God, you don’t even see it, do you?”
She folded her arms into his chest as he pulled her closer.
“I don’t know what I see anymore.”
“It’s all the stress. It’s you trying to be perfect. It’s you trying to fit in with the boy’s club of the FBI. And,” he pushed her back to arm’s length, “it’s those three bullet-hole scars on your chest. That’s what you see when you look in the mirror. You see those scars and you remember the flash of the muzzle, and you’re not dealing with it.”
Jana yanked free.
“Yes, dammit! That’s what I see! Those scars are a gruesome reminder of the shooting, and I can’t get away from them! Every day I see them in the mirror and I think back to it. I can’t help it, Cade, I can’t.”
“Babe, I was with you when you went through the whole post-traumatic stress thing. But I thought you had worked through it. You saw the counselor for so long. But now, it’s happening again.” His lower lip trembled. “It’s like watching a freight train come off the rails.”
Jana’s arms wrapped around her own torso and she slumped to her knees.
“No, no! Jana, don’t drift off. Look at me.” But her face washed pale and her shoulders began to shake. “Stay with me, baby. Stop it before it gets hold of you. Focus on me.”
Her eyes drifted to his, and the grip of the impending post-traumatic-stress episode began to abate.
Her voice lowered to a whisper, and sounds came out in fits and starts. “How am I going to do this?”
“You’re going to do this one day at a time. You and me, together.”
She rocked back and forth, fighting the emotional forces tearing into her psyche.
“Why do you stay with me, Cade?”
“I love you, that’s why. And I don’t want to hear that crap. Look at me. You are the greatest thing that ever happened to me. I was going nowhere when you found me.”
“I didn’t find you. Back then, I just convinced you to be a material witness in the largest terrorism investigation since 9/11.”
“No, it’s deeper than that. Before you walked into my life, I had no purpose. Didn’t you know that? My life was just one of waking up and going to work. You gave me purpose.”
“You make it sound so noble. Cade, I used you. I used you to break open the investigation. I used you to further my career.”
The scowl on his forehead deepened.
“You used me? Is that what you think? Jana, you had no choice. It was your job to investigate that terrorism case. And it wasn’t just to further your career. I happened to be the only person who had access to the encrypted files that my employer was trying to hide. Without those files, more Americans would have been killed in terror attacks. You didn’t use me, you did your job. And you saved lives in the process.”
A tear rolled down Jana’s cheek, and she kissed him.
“You’re too good to me.”