Why aren’t peach bridesmaid dresses outlawed by the Geneva Convention?
–Fatally Yours
The drive to Mary Ann’s was refreshingly uneventful. I stayed right behind her VW Bug which was easy to do because unlike my sister, Mary Ann was a careful driver. My phone wasn’t ringing off the hook and there were no dead squirrels falling from the sky. The Black Eyed Peas were blaring from my stereo and for a brief moment everything seemed wonderfully ordinary. It was as if my car existed inside this peaceful, meditative bubble. If I had my way I’d stay in it forever.
But of course that wasn’t an option. We arrived at Monty’s place and I had originally planned to see her to the door and then (assuming Monty was indeed home) turn around and leave. But as soon as I saw the Volvo that was parked in front of the house I realized this wasn’t going to be a short visit. I got out and walked over to the unwelcome car. In the backseat was the familiar crumb-filled car seat. “My sister’s here,” I said as Mary Ann got out of her VW.
“Oh…that’s nice?”
Like Mary Ann, I had questions about that.
“Were you planning on telling Monty about what happened in the park?” I asked.
“I don’t keep secrets from him,” she said. “But if I tell him this…Sophie, he’ll never leave my side if he thinks I might be in danger. Not even to go to work.”
“Yeah, well, he loves you.”
“Yes.” Mary Ann nodded solemnly. “But he really can’t miss work for my sake, not now. Monty is one of the very few toy makers who still regularly gets his robotic stuffed animals into the stores.” The wind lifted her hair and blew it away from her face as her eyes glazed over with emotion. “Children crave his toys! Children who want a pet but can’t have one because of their allergies or because they get nauseous when asked to pick up poop! And it’s not just the Catbot that Monty’s in the middle of pitching. He’s hoping that the same businesspeople who might buy that will also help fund his work on a pterodactyl who can do the Hokey Pokey! What if the children lost all that because Monty chose to neglect his meetings this week for me?”
“Mary Ann,” I said hesitantly, “children want stuffed animals so they have something soft to sleep with. They don’t need their teddy bears to lead conga lines.”
The wind died down as if disappointed by my lack of enthusiasm for the plight of the world’s fake-pet market.
“You’re wrong!” Mary Ann insisted. “It’s not just about cuddling! It about the…the…”
“Are you going to tell me that the Hokey Pokey really is what it’s all about?”
For a moment we just stared at each other. I watched as Mary Ann pressed her lips together harder and harder until she finally couldn’t take it anymore and burst out laughing. I started giggling, too, lightly at first but then as Mary Ann’s laugh got loud enough to send a squirrel scampering up a tree I just lost it. We were holding on to each other with one hand and our feet stamped against the pavement as we tried and failed to control our laughter. It had been too much. The whole day, the whole week, the whole nightmare…it was too much and somehow the idea that it could all be about the Hokey Pokey was the most hilarious thing either of us had ever heard.
I don’t know how much time went by before we finally got a hold of ourselves. Judging time when you’re in that kind of state is like trying to judge time in the middle of an earthquake. It feels as if it’s going on forever even though logically you know it couldn’t have lasted more than fifteen seconds.
Mary Ann pulled away from me and wiped her eyes with the back of her hand. “Are we going crazy?” she asked only partially in jest.
“When exactly were we sane?” I countered.
Mary Ann nodded to acknowledge my point. “I don’t think I’m going to tell Monty right away. I have to think about how I want to deal with this…with everything, really. It’s all so confusing and I’m so confused and if I tell Monty he’ll be upset but he’ll be confused, too, so that means everything in my life will be confused. I don’t know if I want that.”
I wasn’t sure I knew what Mary Ann was talking about. I was…well, confused. But one thing I was clear on was that standing in the middle of the sidewalk on a quiet street only a few hours after someone might have been shooting at us was not a good plan. Besides we really needed to find out what Leah was doing here. So I threw my arm over Mary Ann’s shoulders and gently led her to the door.
When we got inside we found Monty and Leah sitting on the couch. There were about half a dozen binders on the coffee table and on her lap was a huge black binder that lay open on her lap. Jack was standing by the window but when he saw me he skipped over.
“Yeah! Auntie Sophie, you found us!” he squealed and then whacked me on the leg. Jack was four and for some reason he had never gotten the hang of high fives. He seemed to think that as long as you were hitting someone with an open hand you were extending a congratulatory greeting.
“And I didn’t even know I was looking for you,” I said, trying to choke back my apprehension. I went over to Leah and sat down next to her. The binder she was holding was open to a page containing a rather intricate menu.
Monty got up from his place on the couch and gave Mary Ann a light kiss. “Isn’t it nice that Leah decided to pop in on us?” he asked meekly. He looked a tad helpless and confused. Not an uncommon reaction after having a conversation with Leah.
“I just thought I’d stop by and show you both some of the fabulous locations for weddings here in San Francisco,” she chirped. “Did you know that you can get married in the Legion of Honor? You can rent the whole museum!”
“We’re talking about our wedding?” Mary Ann asked as if the very idea was baffling.
Monty gently guided her chin in his direction and smiled into her eyes. “I know how hard this is for you. Your cousin is in the hospital and the world has turned upside down.”
“Oh, Monty, it is so upside down! Like, three hundred and sixty degrees upside down!”
“Yes, well.” Monty paused long enough to repress an amused smile. “That’s why we need to be talking about our wedding. Everything around us is crazy and complicated but you and I…what we have isn’t complicated at all. And our wedding will be a fairy tale and there’s a simplicity to that, too. I think we all need a little simplicity right now, including Dena.”
Leah cleared her throat purposefully. “I absolutely agree. Of course Disneyland isn’t exactly simple.”
“Disney fairy tales are simple,” Monty said, his eyes still on Mary Ann. “Look, I know people think I’m a little crazy. I love Cinderella and I fantasize about a big white wedding with carriages and pixie dust.”
Leah scribbled something on the back of her business card and scooted it in my direction. Her note read, “Are you sure he’s straight?”
I pressed my lips together. It really was a reasonable question. Jack came over to the couch and curled up against his mother’s side.
“But I believe we need these fairy tales,” Monty continued. “If we believe in the fairy tale we can believe that the tough times are temporary. They’re just…literary obstacles put in our way to make our eventual triumph more satisfactory.”
“But fairy tales aren’t real,” Mary Ann said. Her voice was so soft now that I could barely hear her from my place on the couch. “Monty, I want a big wedding, too, but Dena’s still in the hospital and it’s just…I can’t seem to get excited about much right now. Everything seems so…so sad and…and scary now.” She lowered her head so her hair covered her face. “I’m scared.”
“Then you really have to believe in the fairy tale,” Monty insisted. “Mary Ann, I make high-tech toys. I’m not supposed to be able to make a living doing that, let alone a great living. But I convinced myself to take a chance and invest the money and time into this dream and now I have a house in San Francisco and a few million in the bank. And the best part is I’m doing what I love! I couldn’t have done it if I didn’t believe that fairy tales are possible.”
“But this is different!” Mary Ann choked. “Dena’s so upset and…and Sophie thinks she’s going to need her anger to motivate her to get better but sometimes she just looks so frightened and…and it’s like she’s drowning!” She shook her head frantically. “Monty, this really is different!”
“No, it’s not. You have to believe in Dena’s fairy-tale triumph. If she needs to use anger to fuel her recovery, that’s fine. It will just be part of her story.” He slipped his hand around Mary Ann’s waist. “The important thing is that her story does involve an amazing recovery. Dena’s going to walk…no, scratch that, she’s going to glide down the aisle in her beautiful peach bridesmaid gown being supported by nothing more than the arm of a groomsman. That’s the fairy tale that we’re going to believe in and if we all believe in it there’s a reasonable chance that it’ll come true.”
Mary Ann looked as if she was going to burst into tears as she threw her arms around Monty’s neck. I turned to Leah and grabbed her hand. “Did he say peach?”
“I believe so, yes.”
“Monty?” I was on my feet now. “Did you say the bridesmaids’ dresses were going to be peach?”
He broke away from Mary Ann and smiled a deceptively innocent grin. “My grandmother’s nickname is Peach so we decided that in honor of her our wedding colors would be three different shades of peach.”
“So we’re all going to be wearing peach?” I turned to Leah silently begging her to say something.
“It’s hard to do a peach color theme at Disneyland,” Leah ventured. “Their decor is almost exclusively done in primary colors.”
“Yes!” I turned back to Monty and Mary Ann, my head bobbing up and down furiously. “Very hard to do peach in Disneyland. Almost impossible.”
“However—” Leah was now flipping to another page in her binder “—if you look at these pictures you can see how peach would be nicely complemented within confines of the Saint Francis Hotel’s ballroom right here in San Francisco.”
Jack clapped his hands together. “Auntie Sophie, you get to wear peach in San Francisco! All your friends will get to see you wearing your peachy peach-peach dress!”
Monty smiled down at my demonic nephew. “Jack, your auntie is going to look so beautiful in her shiny peach dress! Just you wait.”
“Shiny?” My voice had gone up about three octaves.
“Monty thinks everything at our wedding should sparkle,” Mary Ann said, although even she seemed skeptical about this.
“That’s right,” Monty went on. “Glitter and sequins everywhere.”
Leah pulled out another business card. This time she scribbled, “Are you sure he’s not a drag queen?”
“The thing is, Leah,” Monty went on, somewhat apologetically, “we do want to start our lives off in Disneyland. Disney makes billions of dollars a year making people believe in fairy tales. They know how to do it.”
“It’s also the place where I first realized I wanted to be with Monty,” Mary Ann said softly. “Disney is sort of…symbolic of our love.”
“Please!” Leah snapped. “Nothing about Disneyland is symbolic! Donald Duck isn’t a metaphor for the entire avian community and Buzz Lightyear isn’t representative of our nation’s astronauts! Disney plays a narrated recording for their firework shows so they can be sure that when you see the exploding colors in the sky you’re really thinking about how it all relates to Snow friggin’ White! Tinker Bell isn’t existential, she’s a pixie who lives in Pixie Hallow and has a bunch of ethnically diverse pixie friends, all of whom will happily dance for you if you’re willing to buy the ninety-five-dollar musical lamp that isn’t appropriate for children under three! It’s all in-your-face commercial literalism!”
“But Disneyland’s great, Mommy!”
“Disneyland sucks, Jack!” As soon as the words escaped her lips she blanched. Of course Jack just burst into tears.
“Jack sweetie, Mommy didn’t mean it.” She pulled him close to her. “Disneyland’s…fantastic. Mommy just loves Disney.”
Jack looked up at his mother for confirmation of her last soothing words and Leah plastered on a smile that made the little boy recoil in fear.
“Your mom’s right, Jack!” Monty added. “Disneyland is the happiest place on earth!”
Mary Ann opened her mouth to protest but seemed to think better of it at the last minute. Instead she crossed to Leah, her eyes begging for understanding. “Leah, I know you’re a wonderful special-events coordinator but I’m afraid we both have our hearts set on our Disney fairy tale.”
“Of course,” Leah said gently. “I completely understand.” She slammed the binder closed with enough force to totally undermine her conciliatory words. “Jack sweetie, we need to go.”
“Will we get to see the Disney wedding?” Jack asked hopefully.
“Absolutely, Jack!” Mary Ann giggled. “You and your mommy are the first names on our guest list.”
“How fun,” Leah said. It would be a miracle if she didn’t throw the binder at Mary Ann’s head. She got up and began to gather up all the binders.
“Are you sure you need to leave so soon?” Monty asked. “You’re welcome to stay for dinner. I have some Dos Equis in the fridge and we could order some pizzas. Hey, we could all watch Enchanted together! I have it on demand!”
“Really, it’s okay,” Leah said with as much civility as she could manage. She balanced the stack of binders against her chest. “Sophie, could you help me?”
I reached to take a binder but Leah shook her head. “Just help me get Jack to the car.”
It would have been so much easier to take the binders. Reluctantly I offered my hand to my nephew, who immediately took it and then dropped to the ground, a move that almost ripped my arm out of my socket.
He seemed to think he was being incredibly funny. “Mommy, I almost made Auntie Sophie fall down!”
“Don’t torture your aunt,” Leah snapped. “Only the grown-ups in our family get to do that.”
“Hey, that’s…” But I didn’t know how to finish my complaint since as far as I could tell Leah had pretty much hit the nail on the head.
“How ’bout you, Sophie?” Monty asked. “Will you stay for pizza and a movie?”
“I’m actually supposed to meet Anatoly at Yoshi’s. Plus you and Mary Ann deserve some alone time.” I shot Mary Ann a meaningful look. If she was going to tell Monty about the afternoon events she really should do it soon. “Call me if anything comes up.”
“What would come up?” Monty asked. “You mean in regards to Dena?”
“Yeah, ’course.” I gave Jack a gentle tug. “Come on, Jack, let’s get going. And remember, no torture.”
“’Cause torture’s for grown-ups,” Jack said solemnly.
“Yes, well, at least it’s something we like to reserve for people who are old enough to date.”
Leah nodded and then, with a certain amount of reluctance, offered Mary Ann a very small smile. “Dena will be fine. She’s a fighter and as soon as she figures out what she’s fighting against she’ll find her motivation to overcome all this.”
“Thank you, Leah,” Mary Ann breathed.
Leah nodded again and led the way out into the cooling air of early evening. She stopped a few paces outside the front door. “So tell me the truth. What did you mean when you asked her to call you if anything came up?”
“Um…well.” I looked down at Jack. He wasn’t yanking my arm anymore but he was swinging it back and forth with enough force to cause a slight breeze. “Okay, Mary Ann and I were walking through Buena Vista Park and I think someone might have shot a squirrel out of a tree while using a silencer.”
“Someone shot a squirrel?”
“Yeah, but I’m not sure that was the target. It didn’t look like the kind of squirrel that would have a lot of enemies.”
“Do you think they were aiming at you?”
“No,” I said truthfully. Somewhere to my right I heard the calling of a crow. I half expected it to say “Nevermore.”
“But you saw it happen.” Leah looked at me coolly. “You were a witness to another shooting.”
“Yes. A squirrel shooting.”
“And the squirrel died?”
“I believe so, yes. It was a homicide.”
Leah sighed and shook her head. “Our lives are a mess. People keep shooting guns in your vicinity and I can’t get Mary Ann and Monty to let me plan their wedding.”
“Okay, seriously? You’re comparing your inability to land a job as a wedding coordinator to my getting shot at?”
“You just said that no one has been shooting at you. They’re shooting around you and don’t diminish my plight! You said you were going to help me convince Mary Ann to hire me but you’ve done nothing!”
“Leah, what do you want me to do? You heard them. They want Disneyland.”
“Well, they can’t have it!”
“Apparently Mickey says they can and he’s the boss.”
“Mickey Mouse’s the boss?” Jack asked as he struggled to keep up.
“No, sweetie. Mice can’t be bosses and they can’t throw weddings. Not properly.”
“You know Leah, this wedding could be fun…except for the shiny peach dresses—that really needs to change—but other than that the whole thing should be incredibly entertaining. I mean it’s Disneyland without the crowds. You can’t beat that, right?”
“Yes, I can!” she growled. She turned and walked up to her car as Jack and I followed close at her heels.
I put Jack in his car seat as Leah put the binders in the trunk. As she opened her driver’s-side door she paused for a moment. “How will Dena feel about the shiny peach dresses?”
I shuddered. “It’s going to be a problem.”
“Right.” A mysterious little smile played on Leah’s lips. “Well, I won’t keep you. Good to see you, Sophie, and please try to stay out of the line of fire.”
“I’ll give it a shot. Oh, hey, I just made a pun! Get it, shot?”
Leah gave me a withering look before getting in her car and driving off. I smiled to myself. This torture stuff worked both ways.