Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective.
—James 5:16 NIV
Things are about to get serious up in here.
Because let me tell you something I don’t have a lot of time for: people being mean. I think life is too short and words are too powerful for us to pretend like being brats is an okay thing.
Here are a few things all my friends know about me:
1. I’m habitually on time.
2. I’d rather be wearing a sweatshirt and jeans (if I’m not).
3. I’m going to invite too many people to every social event unless someone wisely limits me.
4. If I have on workout clothes that does NOT necessarily indicate I am going to the gym.
5. I have a justice streak a mile wide.
What does that mean? That means if you hurt one of my friends, I’m going to be slow to get over it. It’s not always a strength and it’s not always a weakness. It is a part of me that I have to tame or let loose, depending on what God’s wisdom would have me do in a situation.
My best friend Lyndsay says that my justice streak is fun to watch. Hurt my feelings? I’ll get over it. Hurt one of my people’s feelings? Break up with them? Be rude to them? I don’t handle it as well. I get this serious look on my face, and I can feel my eyebrows raising, causing my forehead to wrinkle in a way it only wrinkles when I’m mad.
It’s like my whole face is saying, “Excuse me? You did WHAT?”
I don’t hit people (duh). I don’t even scream or yell or often say the things I want to—but that is only because of years of living with this side of my personality and knowing that I have to hold my tongue.
And all that practice was put into action not long ago.
One of the best parts of my life is the Girls of Grace events that I am currently speaking for. We get to meet thousands of girls every weekend and I absolutely love it. A few months ago, we were at an event up north and as I was walking down the concourse (that’s the fancy name for where all the merchandise tables are), a mom stopped me.
“Annie Downs?” she said.
“Yes ma’am?” I answered. For some reason, I was sure I was getting in trouble because
• she was a mom and
• she used my first and last name.
“Thank you for what you said in your talk about bullying.” I had only mentioned that we should be using our words to be kind to each other. “You’re welcome,” I started to say, but before the words were out of my mouth she was continuing, “My daughter is here … and so is the girl who bullies her.”
Well. I could feel my eyebrows going up and my forehead wrinkling.
“In this building?”
“Yes.”
Well. I wanted to say next, “Get that girl to ME.” And I was ready to use my teacher voice with a little growl on the side and give her a piece of my mind. But knowing that probably would somehow end up on Twitter or Instagram, I resisted. I just told the mom that I would be praying and to tell her daughter I’d like to meet HER.
You know why this mom’s comment fired me up so quickly?
Because that was a building full of Christian girls. CHRISTIAN GIRLS. The ones who have God living inside of them would bully each other? I couldn’t believe it.
But I could.
So. Here’s what I did. Because—oh, don’t you worry about it—I still dealt with that girl.
I just dealt with her from the stage.
About two hours later I was back on stage doing a Q&A with the rest of the speakers and musicians. I sat between our stylist, Amber Lehman, and amazing singer Britt Nicole. A question was posed to me about bullying, and I was ready.
I told them exactly what I’m going to tell you about the mean girl, except you don’t have to see my furrowed brow. (But picture it, okay? Okay.)
The mean girl is hurting too. That’s the real truth. The mean girl does what she does because she is trying to figure out a way to make herself feel better.
It’s like when someone sees a grease fire and thinks the right answer is water (it isn’t). They are just trying to put out the fire any way they can, not realizing that they are actually increasing the flames. (Do you know how to put out a grease fire? Check the appendix. It’s good info to have.)
That’s how bullying works, if you were looking for the science behind it. It’s like the mean girl—whom we’ll label the bully in our conversations—is burning like a grease fire and she thinks belittling other people will put out the fire of hurt inside of her. Instead, like adding water to the fire, it makes it worse and the flames of hurt lick up at her heart and mind all day.
She’ll never tell you that. She’ll never admit that she is hurting or that making you feel worse only makes her feel better in the minute and then goes away. She won’t tell you that. But listen, it is true.
So I sat on that stage, with the microphone in my hand, and I said that.
And then I spoke straight to the mean girl. And if I’d known which girl that mom was speaking about, I probably would have walked out into the crowd and stood there, with my microphone, right beside her chair.
Because being a bully to a bully is a great idea. (No, it’s not. I’m kidding. That’s why I stayed seated.)
I told the mean girl that she had to stop. Now. That abusing other people because you are hurt is always wrong. I told her that she was going to lose in the end so she might as well quit now.
And I’m telling you too.
Are you the mean girl? Are you the victim? Or are you the girl who watches the mean girl and the victim and doesn’t know what to do? Not that I think you are always in the same category every day. I think you, like me, find yourself wavering between the three. The only time someone is a mean girl all day, every day is in the movies. That’s not real life.
I think we fall into one of three categories: the mean girl, the victim, or the bystander. Let’s talk about each of these and how God intends us to behave, treat others, and somehow speak love, even when we are hurt.
If you are her …
You probably already know it. I did. Like I said, I don’t think any of us are victims or mean girls all day, every day, but I had my days when I was a bully, mainly protecting my friends but sometimes also just because I was so insecure as a teenager that I wanted to do WHATEVER I could to feel better about me. So listen, there is grace for you. Really.
But you have to stop.
You are making fun of other girls because they aren’t … what? Cool? Rich? Fun? Pretty?
Stop.
You are being sarcastic because you think it is funny? You are using biting words that are making others laugh at the price of one girl’s feelings?
The rest of your life you are going to be surrounded by people who are not as cool as you and people who are way cooler than you. You will get nowhere solid or fast by being unkind to those you think aren’t as cool in hopes of being more like the ones you think are. I have this unique vantage point to your situation. I can see the adult women who used to be mean girls in my life who have chosen to stay that way. I’m not talking about the girls who sometimes were unkind; I’m talking about the ones who could wear the label. Want to know about them now as adults?
• They still have problems with girls and women.
• No one trusts them.
• They feel left out a lot.
• Other women can sense when they are acting like mean girls and so they slough them off.
• They still tear other people down because they are insecure.
I’m not hypothesizing; I’m telling you about people I still know. I’m just not using names, because when you use someone’s name in a book you have to ask their permission and I don’t want to inflict hurt. But trust me. The girls I am thinking of? They used to be on top of the pile, or so we all thought—and now, as adults, there is no pile. There are clumps of friends and there are some gals left standing alone.
The mean girls who became women? They are often alone.
Unless they chose a different way. Because you can quit and you can let God use your words to give life instead of death. You get that, right? That every time you pick on the girls at school or church (don’t even GET me started on that), you are speaking death. You are tearing something apart. On the worst days, you’re doing permanent damage.
But you can stop. You don’t ever have to be her again. Your words can be life-giving and you can recover and restore and try again. A Gilgal, if you will.
So how do you make the transition?
1. Ask God to forgive you.
2. Ask God to show you, in your heart, what the root of this thing is. Why are you insecure? Why do you need to be on the top of the food chain? What are you afraid of?
3. Talk to someone: a youth leader, your parents, a coach or teacher, someone who knows God and whom you trust. You need a mentor to help you with this.
4. Apologize to others if you need to.
5. Change. Your. Words.
Listen, it’s not going to be easy. It’s weird to acknowledge that you have used your words poorly and confess that to other people.
We’ve already talked about this verse, but I think it warrants being said again (and memorized).
Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective.
And listen sister, I know what you are going through. Remember I had to write an entire CHAPTER apologizing for my words? Yeah, so I’ve been there.
Growing up, our church had discipleship groups for each grade and gender. My grade of girls was large, so we actually had three groups, I think. Our group—three leaders, twelve girls—met together, every Wednesday of the school year, from fourth grade until we graduated from high school. Yeah, long time. I remember being in the tenth grade and having a word revelation—I had been using my words wrong and I needed to apologize. So I wrote a letter.
We met in a Sunday school room. Everyone sat in small heavy wooden chairs around tables, and my hands shook as I held this letter I was afraid to read out loud. I breathed in, as my life-long friends stared at me and had no idea what was on that piece of paper.
It’s been a lot of years but I can still feel that night. So yeah, I get it.
I read that letter and I apologized to these girls who had been around my words for six solid years. They forgave me. I wish I still had that letter, but I remember that night saying to myself, “You could keep this and you may want to read it in the future, but I’d rather you throw it away. Just let it go.”
(It’s like Teen Annie knew that Author Annie might publish that letter someday. Smart girl.)
Every opportunity you take like that to apologize, to bring your meanness under the power of the Holy Spirit, your words shift and change. You’ll be surprised to find that when you aren’t the mean girl, you don’t have to fight for friendships like you are in a battle. They just happen. In your head, you think that the best way to ensure you have friends is to be on the top of the pile. You’re wrong, sister. Get down in the pile and make real, lasting friendships.
And remember this. Jesus Christ came so that you could have life, and HAVE IT MORE ABUNDANTLY (John 10:10). Sometimes the mean girl thinks that she has to decide who gets to stay and who had to go because she believes there are limited spots in the cool group. The illusion of limited resources is just that—an illusion. The whole food-chain friendship model? Get on the top or be eaten because there isn’t enough space? That’s not how Jesus works. He is all about abundance. There is enough. Enough of everything. So quit acting like there isn’t.
Stop being the mean girl. Think before you speak. Speak life. It is time to change. Okay?
If you are her …
I’m really sorry. It is a rare kind of pain to know another girl has it out for you and is seemingly trying to ruin your life. I am so sorry that she is (or they are) hurting you. It’s never easy to pinpoint what makes you a target, and so not only are you suffering from words or actions, you are also questioning things about yourself. It’s the worst.
Here’s what I want you to know: It won’t last forever. It won’t. Unless the bully in your life is in your family, she won’t be in your life for every year you have left on this earth. That’s some peace.
Remember this about the mean girl:
• She is hurting too, in a terribly deep way.
• She has no power over you.
• It’s not your job to please her.
I wouldn’t dream of assuming that I am an expert in how to help you or your situation, but here’s what I know is true of you. You’re probably great. You probably have lots of cool stories to tell and things that interest you. And I bet we’d be friends.
There was a girl on my bus in elementary school who always picked on me. Man, I could not figure out how to please her. For some reason, I thought that would fix things—if I made her happy. I believed that if I could somehow make her think I was cool, she would leave me alone. She never did.
One day, I read the coolest phrase in a book and decided the next afternoon I would say it to her on the bus and she would leave me alone.
So I mustered up all my guts and said, “Rocks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me.”
She laughed. For two reasons that you and I can clearly see now.
1. I said the phrase wrong. (Doh!) It’s “Sticks and stones …”
2. Words hurt. A lot. So that’s the least true thing I could have said.
When we went to middle school, she was way more concerned about being cool to the eighth graders than she was about picking on a fellow sixth grader, so that was my real rescue from her.
I’m glad I said that to her on the bus that day, even if it didn’t change her behavior all that much. That’s only one time of two in my life that I went head to head with a bully. (And, just for your information, the second time was in seventh grade and was equally as awkward. Let’s just say it included me putting my hands on a girl’s shoulders and looking her in the eyes and saying, “You don’t really want to punch me.” So. I’m smooooooth. Can you tell?)
On a bigger scale, let me tell you what the two of those girls mean to me now, as an adult: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. The one from seventh grade sent me a friend request on Facebook and I laughed out loud. Now she wants to be my friend? Interesting. And no thanks.
You will survive this, friend. Those ugly words that are tossed at you like grenades and seem to explode and leave shrapnel in every corner of your being? You’ll survive them.
Don’t quit. Don’t give up on life because of some mean girls.
Here’s what you should do:
• Talk about it. Tell an adult if you need to, or talk to your friends about it. Right now, everything feels dark and scary, but when you bring light into a place like that, all the pain seems to be less sharp. Try it. And if you feel like you are literally being psychologically tortured, you have got to tell someone you trust.
• Believe Truth. That’s Truth with a capital T. There’s a whole chapter about this coming up, so hang in there. Believe what the Bible says about you. So even if some girl says you are ugly every day, believe the words that GOD has said about you—that you are flawless (see Song of Solomon 4:7).
• Find your people. Part of the problem with mean girls is that in your heart you want them to think you are cool. I know; that was my problem too. But here’s the thing: there are probably people right in front of you who you share interests or hobbies with. When you find your people—either in real life or maybe online—the mean girl loses power over your life.
• Like what you want to like. Be true to you. Most of all, first of all. After God’s voice, the next voice that should have the most power in your life is your own. We’re gonna talk more about this, but trust me when I say that you are free to be you.
• Remember that her behavior doesn’t determine YOUR behavior. God has already taught us how to use our words. Just because someone is awful to you doesn’t give you permission to be awful to other people—or to yourself.
• Sometimes the best response is silence. God always handles justice. And walking away from a situation, trusting that you don’t have to inflict justice or defend yourself—sometimes that is the bravest thing you can do.
• Sometimes the best response is speaking up for yourself. Ask God to guide you, to fill you with wisdom and courage, and to know what to do in every situation.
If the majority of the mean girl junk in your life is going on online, sign off. If that means you shut down your Facebook account or you get a new tumblr or whatever, do it. The thing about Internet bullies is that they can feel like they are SO VERY LOUD, but the truth is, just like with every other mean girl, they only have as much voice as you give them. If your computer is turned off and you are hanging with your family or friends, who cares what they say?
(Listen, I know. That’s easier said than done. But just remember—YOU have the power to believe truth about yourself. If the only way your mind and heart can be healthy is to be off the Internet because people are awful, get off the Internet. We’re gonna talk more about this in the next chapter … hang in there.)
Check out what Jesus said about enemies (and trust me, Jesus had enemies who said pretty awful stuff about Him).
You have heard that it was said, ‘Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be children of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? And if you greet only your own people, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that?
Let your words still speak love, even to the enemies around you. Be different. Be you. Be love, like God is love. And be strong. You’ll make it.
We’ve all been there. We’ve seen a girl or a few girls pick on another and we have either turned away or laughed along or felt weird but put our heads down. It’s hard to know when to step in, isn’t it? Because you don’t want to become the target or put your nose in someone else’s business, but you see the hurt going on and you know you could stop it.
Sadly, as adults, I think this is the most prevalent problem when it comes to mean girl stuff. Women do this weird passive-aggressive bully thing that, as you can imagine, makes me crazy. Even now, I watch as one of my friends is bullied in this way by her roommate. But what can I do? If I get involved, then what? I’m a hero and an enemy? I strain that relationship with one friend (because I’m friends with both of them) to protect another friend? I’ll tell you what, it makes my forehead wrinkle and my eyebrows raise about twice a week, but I don’t do anything.
Here’s why. My friend who gets bullied? She asked me not to get involved. Oh, trust me, I offered. But she has asked me to stay out of it, so I do.
You may think I’ve become some sort of broken record, but the truth is that the solution is simple, from start to finish in this book. The truth stays the same.
Words are life. Pleasant words are sweet like honey.
You know what I do for my friend who gets bullied? Besides contort my face when she tells me stories of what is going on at home? I speak life over her. I tell her how great she is, I give her encouraging Bible verses, and I listen to her. My love for her can be a salve to heal the brokenness that the other woman causes.
So your gift to the girls in your life can be your words. To the bully? Yes, I think God may use you to speak life to her wounds that are causing her to act out like this. Matthew 5 also says, “Blessed are the peacemakers,” and that can be you.
To the victim? Your kind words are a gift. They are medicine and they are a shield. You have no idea how one simple note or sentence can change the course of someone’s heart path. You don’t have to be confrontational or a fighter; you can be the one who heals. The one who gives life by sharing words that matter.
Yes, there are going to be times when you need to step in and protect someone, especially if you are in an authority role. Maybe you help with the elementary kids’ church service or you coach Little League soccer. If so you should speak up for the girl who is being bullied to the point where she can’t speak up for herself. But no matter your age, when you feel the moment come when you can rescue someone from the daggers of words pointed at their heart, do it.
The challenge here for me, and maybe you feel this too, is that I can accidentally lean toward bullying the bully, which is not right either. That’s the other thing I have to be careful about in this situation with my two friends. Just because one girl is being a mean girl doesn’t give me permission to hurt her with words or actions. On the other hand, you may lean toward staying quiet when you should speak up.
How do we know when to stop being the bystander and step in?
You pray for wisdom. You pray that God will make it very, very clear to you when your words are needed to defend someone else. And I’ll be praying that for you too.
(And let’s be clear. If someone is being bullied and you feel like they are in danger, emotionally or physically, you tell an adult. Like, yesterday. Be brave and do not fear. God is with you. Go to an adult and help rescue this mean girl victim.)
This is an epidemic in our society. “The Mean Girl” has been given too much power, too much popularity, and now it’s like she lives in every neighborhood, goes to every school. And God have mercy, she’s in every youth group.
I take her very seriously (can you tell?). I think we are a generation of women that could build each other into stronger godly women with the words we use, and instead women are often each other’s worst enemies and words are the tools used to destroy.
Want me to get real for a minute? If you are using your words to destroy others, to hurt them, to kill their dreams, do you know who you sound like?
The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.
Pardon my bluntness, but you sound like Satan.
We are the children of God, we are His people, we should sound like Him.
We love because He first loved us.
If you could see me now, you would laugh. Today, I’m standing up while I type, not like at a cool standup desk or something. My computer is on the dining room table and I just keep typing, then pacing the room, then heading back to the table to type again. I am so passionate about ending this—ending the Mean Girl Epidemic.
AND IT IS SO EASY. That’s what makes me feel equally hopeful and furious.
Furious because the solution is so easy and hopeful because of you.
You are learning, and you already know, that words have power—that when you talk to God with your words, it changes things. That when you use your words well with others you can give them a gift of kindness. And that when you speak, every word is life or death. LIFE OR DEATH.
And now that you know, I think you are with me in this army against hateful words.
Can we just get rid of the mean girl? Will you quit being her? Will you quit bowing to her? Will you quit letting her exist?
I saw this sermon illustration one time that I thought was very wasteful, because as an eighth grader, I drank a lot of Coke.
Our pastor filled a pitcher halfway with Coke. Brown and bubbly and totally delicious. And then he started, as he talked, to pour water into the pitcher. As it filled, liquid poured out of it, a light brown mixture of the water and Coke. He continued to pour, and in time the Coke had all washed out and the only thing that glass pitcher held was clean water. The clean had cleared out the dirty.
Pour the words. The waterfall of words that give life. And let’s wash away the darkness.
Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective.
—James 5:16
• Song of Solomon 4:7
• Matthew 5:43–48
• John 10:10
• Use your concordance or BibleGateway.com to search these terms:
» kindness
» words
• Write the memory verse in your journal. As I said before, writing always helps me to actually memorize the Scripture quicker.
• Write about your experience with a mean girl.
• Ask God for wisdom in your situation.
• Make a list of girls you know are struggling with this—as the victim or even as the mean girl. Pray for them.
• Send a note to two of your friends—one to a girl you think is the victim of bullying and another to a girl who sometimes is the mean girl. Encourage them. Tell them what you like about them. (This sounds scary—I know! But if we are going to end this thing, you’re going to have to be brave, okay? Be brave.)