FOR AN ENTIRE week, no one would talk to Louie. It was hard to keep that up when he kept coming around. Little by little, people began talking to him again.
I didn’t want to see him at all. If we had to be in the same room, I made sure to be as far from him as possible. I acted hurt and got a lot of sympathy for a while. This soon became tedious. People got tired of giving me sympathy. I started feeling more comfortable with Louie around. Time began to heal my wounds.
Things returned to normal. I found I was even able to joke around with Louie as if nothing had happened. Almost. There was still the pain of rejection, but I covered it up pretty well.
The worst part was having no boyfriend when my friends all did. Roz and Sheldon, and Dan and Fran were still going strong. Ellen and Lenny got back together. Louie was spending a lot of time with busty Renee Berkley, who had stopped dating Marty. Only I had no one. It was awful!
During Easter vacation, our crowd planned a trip to an amusement park. The boys were even going to pay for the girls. I decided not to go.
“Come on, Linda. You don’t need a boyfriend to have fun in an amusement park,” Danny urged. We were sitting in his house, discussing the trip.
“Maybe not,” I answered. “But when everyone else is paired off, I’d feel pretty stupid by myself.”
“Are you sure it’s not the fact that Louie is taking Renee Berkley that’s keeping you from coming?” Fran asked.
“Of course not,” I lied. “He’s just out for what he can get from her anyhow. She’s welcome to him!”
“Then come with us,” insisted Fran. “I’d feel terrible if you stayed home by yourself.”
“I’d be by myself even if I went with you,” I pointed out.
“Maybe not,” commented Lenny. He had been listening to our conversation with amusement. Now he smiled as if he knew something we didn’t know.
“What do you mean, Lenny?” I wanted to know.
“Don’t say that I told you anything,” he laughed.
“I won’t. I won’t!”
“I’ve heard rumors that Nicky might be interested in taking you.”
“Nicky?” I stared in amazement. Somehow, I couldn’t see Nicky with any girl, least of all me. He was so big and gawky. “Nicky and me?”
“Sure. Why not?” Lenny asked.
“Well, for one thing, he’s over a foot taller than I am. We’d look ridiculous together. I can just picture us!” I laughed.
“So what?” Lenny answered. “Nicky doesn’t have anyone to go with and neither do you. It wouldn’t be so terrible if you went to the amusement park with him. You’d make Nicky feel good, and you might even have a good time yourself.”
Put that way, the idea seemed to make sense. So I wound up joining the crowd and going to the amusement park with Nicky.
It started out to be a lot of fun. Nicky bought me a soda and some cotton candy. I got all sticky trying to eat it.
We went on the roller coaster. I liked it so much that I went on three times. The highest hill was the best. The suspense built up as the car slowly climbed to the top. Then—whoosh! Your stomach dropped as the car flew to the bottom.
After the roller coaster, I felt as if I could tackle any ride in the park. “Let’s go on that ferris wheel next,” I begged.
“I don’t know, Linda,” Nicky said. “That’s not an ordinary ferris wheel. Those cars flip upside down.”
“So what.” I laughed. “You’re not chicken, are you?”
Nicky pulled himself up to his full six feet, two inches. “Of course not. I was just concerned for you.”
“So let’s go!” I pulled him toward the ticket booth.
The ferris wheel started up. From the top, I had a tremendous view of the amusement park. We were riding locked in a little cage. I started rocking it for excitement.
“Cut that out!” Nicky shouted. “You’re going to flip the whole thing over!”
“Isn’t that what’s supposed to happen?” I laughed, rocking even harder. Sure enough, I got the cage to flip upside down. Once it started flipping, it became impossible to control the cage. It flipped over and over again.
The first time it happened, it was fun. I liked the feeling of being upside down. The second time, I started feeling the cotton candy in my stomach. By the third time we flipped over, I was sure that I was going to throw up!
“Nicky! Stop the car! I’m going to be sick!” I shrieked.
“I can’t!” he yelled. “You’ll just have to wait until the ride is over.”
“Oh no,” I groaned. “I don’t think I’m going to make it!”
Fortunately, I lasted until the ride stopped. If I had thrown up while we were still spinning, it would have been a terrible mess!
I staggered over to a bench and let my head hang between my knees. I was so nauseous! Then I began heaving. Up came the cotton candy and the soda. Up came the lunch I had eaten hours before!
My stomach felt better, but I was miserable. People were staring at me as they walked by. What a sight I must have been!
Nicky was really terrific. He brought me some napkins to clean myself up with and some water to drink.
We moved to another bench. “Why don’t you just rest a little,” he suggested.
I nodded my head. I was too exhausted for conversation. I was also too exhausted to protest when he put his arm around me. How could I when he had been so nice to me?
Nicky kept his arm around me on the long ride home. At this point, it seemed really awkward to say anything. Besides, Louie had his arm around Renee Berkley, and I wanted to get even!
Nicky walked me home from the bus. “Are you sure you’re okay, Linda?” he asked at my door.
“Yeah.” I smiled sheepishly. “It was pretty dumb of me to act like that in the amusement park. Thanks for putting up with me.”
“Putting up with you? I had a good time!” Nicky looked into my eyes. “I’ll see you tomorrow, won’t I?”
“Sure,” I answered, fumbling with my key.
“Good! And maybe we can go up to Danny’s on Saturday. I hear some couples are going to be there.” Nicky looked at me just like a lonesome puppy.
“Oh! Well, uh, I guess so. I mean, we’ll see. See you!” I slammed the door behind me and leaned up against it. I took a deep breath.
Now what was I going to do? Nicky liked me, that was obvious. He was nice, but there was no way I wanted him for a boyfriend. Yet, I didn’t want to do anything to hurt his feelings. I had just gotten myself into another difficult situation.
* * *
After that, everyone thought of Nicky and me as a couple. This created some problems for me. While I basically liked Nicky and didn’t mind going places with him in a group, when it came to the two of us alone, it was a disaster.
The worst was when we wound up alone with the other couples in someone’s house. Nicky would put his arm around me and look at me with that puppy dog look that meant he wanted to kiss me. Sometimes he would get brave and try. I would turn my head and duck down into his neck. I could tolerate having Nicky’s arm around me; it was warm and cuddly. But I didn’t like him enough to want to kiss him.
I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t want to hurt Nicky’s feelings, but I didn’t want to be his girlfriend. The thought hit me that this could have been the way Louie had felt about me. How awful! Maybe the way he had acted that night was the only way he knew to end a relationship that was going nowhere.
What Louie had done hurt, but I got over it. Maybe what I was doing to Nicky was even crueler. I decided to end it.
That was easier said than done. I started by acting cool to him and dropping little hints. He refused to take them. I became irritable and snappy. He just laughed good-naturedly. Sometimes I was downright nasty. Nothing semed to discourage him.
“I feel like a real crumb for the way I’m acting,” I confided to Fran one day. “But I don’t know what to do!”
We were sitting on the park wall on a gorgeous May day. The yellow haze of New York pollution had lifted, and the sky was bright blue. The sun was warm enough so we didn’t even need a sweater. I should have been feeling wonderful.
“I don’t want the relationship to go on any longer,” I continued. “But I don’t want to hurt Nicky the way Louie hurt me.”
Fran looked thoughtful. “Don’t you think you’re hurting him even worse this way? It’s like having a Band-Aid pulled off. You can do it in one quick motion or a little at a time. It hurts either way, but I’d rather have it over with fast!”
I thought about that. “You’re right, Fran. But I have been giving him hints, you know. He just doesn’t pick up on them. The situation drags on and on.”
Fran jumped down from the wall angrily. “Do you know something, Linda? I don’t think you really want to end the relationship either. I think you’re afraid of being alone without a boyfriend.”
What she said hit me over the head like a hammer. The awful feeling of being alone while all my friends had boyfriends came back to me. Fran was right. I hadn’t made a real effort to end it with Nicky. Being with him was still better than being by myself.
“You’re right, Fran,” I admitted. “I’ve only been fooling myself. I’ve been totally unfair to Nicky. You are my witness. I’m going to end this thing before the weekend is over!”
On Saturday afternoon, Nicky and Lenny rang my bell. Instead of asking them in, I stood in the doorway with my arm blocking the way.
“Hi,” I said sullenly.
“Hi, Linda!” Nicky smiled warmly. He didn’t seem to notice that I was blocking the doorway.
“What do you want?” I asked, without smiling.
“We’re going to pick up some snacks for the party at Danny’s,” Nicky said happily. “We thought you’d want to come to the store with us,”
“No, I’m not going,” I said flatly.
Nicky’s face fell. Lenny stared at me. I felt awful. I didn’t know if I could go through with this.
“Oh, you can’t come out now.” Nicky tried smiling again. “Well, then I guess I’ll call for you tonight on the way to Danny’s.”
My stomach growled. I didn’t have enough guts to do it. I remembered my oath to Fran. How much longer could I drag out pulling off the Band-Aid?
“No, Nicky. You don’t understand. I’m not going with you tonight either.” I swallowed hard. “It’s over.”
Nicky stared at me. His mouth was open and his face was a blank. Lenny’s face was easier to read. He got red and his veins stood out the way they did when he got angry. My eyes dropped to the floor.
“Come on, Nicky!” Lenny put his hand on Nicky’s shoulder. “Let’s get out of this stinking place!”
I closed the door behind me. I felt an immediate sense of relief. It was done!
I ran and looked out the window. Lenny and Nicky were walking up the block. Lenny still had his arm on Nicky’s shoulder. Lenny was talking and talking. It seemed that he was always there to pick up the pieces whenever I was involved in a breakup. Only this time, he wasn’t feeling sorry for me. This time, he thought I was a rat.
I felt awful! I flopped down on my bed and started to cry. In a way, this was as painful as breaking up with Louie. Now, just as then, I was faced with being alone without a boyfriend. But at least then, I wasn’t angry at myself.