30

“Hello, Jackie,” the familiar voice called from the edge of the huge living room. Jackie turned to face the owner.

“Hello, Carl,” she spoke softly, wondering if she would ever get over the wonder of it.

Carl had been to visit her every day for the last three weeks. He would wait until his mother was ready to go home in the late afternoon and then come on the pretense of seeing her home. Lena wasted no time in telling Jackie that her son had never seen the need to escort her home before, but Jackie could tell from Lena’s voice that she was not at all upset.

“How are you today?”

“I’m fine,” Jackie answered automatically as she always did. “How are you?”

“Fine.” He said the words, and Jackie knew he was staring at her. She knew then, as she had before, that the attraction was purely physical.

This was not hard to figure out, as she couldn’t have been a worse companion. She said little and never laughed or smiled. It wasn’t that she was trying not to, but she had so little interest in other people that nothing really struck her as amusing or worthy of her regard. In a way, she wanted to see Carl give up. She did not even know what he looked like because she had never asked. She had no intention of getting involved with anyone, and knowing that he was happy to just sit and stare at her did nothing for her heart.

“I am ready now, Carl.” Lena called from the next room.

“All right.” As usual he sounded regretful. “Have a nice evening, Jackie.”

“Thank you, Carl. You do the same.”

“Goodbye.”

“Goodbye.”

Here again was part of the routine. She would hear him walk across the floor, but he always paused. Jackie learned that if she turned her head away when his back was to her, he would take one final look at her and leave, but if she was still facing him, he took it as an invitation to talk to her again. Tonight she had her head turned, just as she’d done for the last two weeks. It was a relief to hear him move away and leave with his mother.

“Would it hurt you to talk to him a little, Jackie?” Eddie asked as she entered the room just a few minutes later.

“It might not hurt me, but it would him. I’m not going to encourage him.”

“Why not?”

“To what end, Eddie?” Jackie sounded tired. “He’s content to sit and stare at me, which means there’s nothing deep about his attention.”

Eddie couldn’t argue with her there. Carl did like pretty girls, and Jackie was not a very fascinating companion these days. However, he was a sweet boy and had a strong love for Christ. Eddie knew it would do little good to tell Jackie that he was shy around her and afraid of saying the wrong thing. Eddie was certain that if he found the courage he could bring her sister out.

“How did you do on your mending?” Eddie had come to lean over her. “I swear Jackie,” she said with a laugh in her voice. “I’m just going to give you the dark colors. You must have pricked your finger. There’s blood all over your white blouse and the button too.”

“I knew I’d stabbed myself, but I sucked on my finger for a while and thought it had stopped.” She sighed deeply. “This is the blouse that goes with the navy skirt you gave me.”

“How did you know which blouse it was?” Eddie said incredulously.

“It has a different feel to it, and see,” she remarked, shifting the garment around. “The lace around the collar is very soft. The other one is scratchy.”

“Well, I’ll take it and work on it right now. If I can’t get it out, Lena can. That woman’s a wonder.”

“Eddie,” Jackie spoke when she began to move away. “You don’t think Lena has encouraged Carl, do you?”

“I would say not, Jackie. She must know how you feel.”

Eddie didn’t elaborate, but it was very clear to anyone with eyes that Jackie was not in love. If she had been, the very mention of Carl’s name would have brought color to her cheeks. Eddie walked away wondering what Clayton had said about the blindness. The older woman didn’t have it in her heart to ask.

Jackie didn’t comment to Eddie when she left either. Eddie had said that Lena knew how she felt. Jackie thought that nothing could be further from the truth. No one knew how she felt. How could she possibly let someone fall for her? It was like she had said to Lexa months ago now, how much fun would it be to lead a blind wife around for the rest of your life? “No thank you,” was Jackie’s reply to that. She didn’t know how long Robert’s and Eddie’s patience would hold out, but at least she didn’t feel humiliated in front of them.

In the midst of all these thoughts, Robert’s voice could be heard. He must have just come home from work.

“Something smells good,” Jackie heard him say just before he entered the room.

“Hi,” he called as he moved toward her. “How was your day?”he asked, dropping a kiss on her cheek.

“The same as usual.”

“Meaning?” Robert pressed her.

“Well, I sat here,” Jackie recited in a dull voice. “I sewed a little. I sat some more. Carl came to stare at me. That’s about the end of it.”

Robert told himself to be patient, but it was not easy. His wife’s sister had no interest in life at all. It was like her life had ended the same day her vision had. Was the blindness difficult? Yes. Was it upsetting? Undoubtedly. But it was not the end of the world. Did he wish it on himself? Absolutely not, but if it happened he would see the need to carry on and do so. The fact that Jackie had not done this; indeed, that she was willing to sit and let the world go by, infuriated Robert. He thought fast in order to keep his thoughts constructive. Growing angry with her was not going to do a bit of good.

“I want you to help Eddie with the dishes tonight, Jackie,” he told her suddenly.

“The dishes?” she questioned, not having done them since she fell.

“Yes. I think it makes sense if you wash and Eddie and I dry. That way you can stand in one place and just hand things to us.”

Jackie’s mouth had gone very dry. That was her typical reaction every time Robert introduced her to something new. She didn’t want to help in the house at all but knew better than to admit that. Robert would have given her a lecture. Indeed, Robert was watching her mutinous expression right now and felt pleased that she was restraining herself.

“Come on,” he said conversationally. “Let’s head to the table. I think dinner is almost on.”

Robert stood and went ahead of her. Jackie fought down bitterness that she couldn’t walk across the room so easily. She never talked unless someone was leading her, for it took all her concentration to remember where she was. Lately she was in the habit of asking God when it would all be over, but the answer was so painful that she would only push it from her mind.

Jackie collapsed into the buggy and put a hand to her head. Eddie knew she was completely spent but didn’t comment. Jackie had been living in Boulder for a month now, and this was their first trip into town. The young woman had been terrified. They’d gone to the bank, to the general store, had lunch at the hotel with Robert, and even stopped at Pastor Henley’s house. Taking everything in without complaint, Jackie had been very quiet the entire day, but Eddie felt her trembling each time she took her arm.

Now they were in the buggy and headed home, and Eddie knew that Jackie would fall asleep early tonight. She was sitting up, not laying back in fatigue, but one look at her face and Eddie knew she was just barely holding on.

Help her Lord. Give her strength. It won’t be like this forever if only she’ll keep trying and committing herself to You. I can’t do it for her, Lord. Just show her the way.

“I don’t want you to be such a stranger,” Robert told Travis that very afternoon, but the younger man only shook his head.

“I can’t do that to Jackie right now, Robert. I can see how hard it is for her, and my presence is only going to make things worse. I can tell that she thinks everyone is staring at her.”

“Well, many of them do,” Robert admitted, “but it’s not in the pitying or negative way she imagines. She and Eddie came into town to shop today. We went to lunch. I could tell she was terrified, but Eddie plans to take her every week until she’s more comfortable.”

“She should enjoy that once she gets used to it.”

“I hope so, but now we’re off the subject. Why don’t you come for dinner tonight?”

Travis began to shake his head, but Robert put a hand up, his voice at its most persuasive.

“It’s already after 4:30, so there’s no need for you to go all the way home, and you don’t have to stay long after we’ve eaten, but I know Eddie would like to see you.”

“All right, I’ll come. When are you going to head home?”

“Around 5:00, but don’t wait for me. Go on to the house and keep Jackie company. She needs to get out of herself.”

“All right.”

The men stood. “By the way, how are things going at the ranch?”

“Well. Maybe I’ll have a chance to tell you about it tonight.”

“All right. I’ll see you at the house.”

“I can’t remember what color your eyes are,” Jackie admitted shyly.

“Blue. Light blue.”

Jackie nodded, a little amazed that she’d been bold enough to ask, but Travis had a very calming effect on her. He’d also kept Carl away. When the younger man had seen him, he hadn’t spoken to Jackie at all.

“Do you wear a hat, Travis?”

“Yes. A black cowboy hat.”

“Felt?”

“Yes. Here,” he lifted it off the seat beside him. “Feel it.”

He pressed the hat into Jackie’s hands, and she studied it through her fingertips. It was large and soft and smelled faintly of leather. Her fingers traced the braided hat band and told her why her nose had picked up the leather smell.

“What color is the band?”

“Black. Black on black. Not very exciting.” His voice was kind.

“It’s so soft.”

“Here now.” Travis rose and came to her. “Try it on. You live in Boulder now, and you have to look the part.”

A small smile pulled at the corners of Jackie’s mouth, and when he put the hat on her head, she asked, “How’s that?”

“Fine,” Travis told her, but a small spark of pain hit his chest. A seeing person would have moved it back. It nearly covered her eyes.

“Robert just came in,” Eddie announced from the doorway. “Why don’t you come in and sit down at the table.”

“Okay. May I offer you my arm, Jackie?”

“Sure.” She stood and waited for him to remove the hat. When the hat was back on the chair, he took her hand in his and drew it through his arm. Jackie was vaguely aware that his voice was now many inches over her head, and for some reason she shuddered. She worked to keep his image from her mind, but Clayton’s face came so clearly to her. She had to bite her lip to keep from crying. Clayton was the right size. Clayton was perfect.

Forget it Jackie. Just put him from your mind. He wouldn’t want you if he knew. So just stop.

It was a relief to sit down and have Eddie tell her what was on her plate. It helped her to remember who she was: a blind girl with no chance of marriage. The sooner she accepted that, the better.