A letter to my 12-year-old self

I know you’re frightened. I know it doesn’t seem fair. I know you want to fight this.

But you can’t. I’m sorry to be the one to tell you, but it’s true: you’re gay.

I know you’re thinking that this means your friends will discard you, that your parents will be disappointed in you, and that people will think that you’re unnatural or sick.

I know when the kids at school use the word gay to mean ‘bad’, ‘weak’ or ‘disgusting’, you worry this is what they will think of you.

I know that you didn’t choose this, and that you’re picturing a whole new life that’s so different from what you’d imagined growing up.

And I know you’re going to promise yourself that you will never act on these feelings. That you can go through life pretending to be straight – have girlfriends, marry a woman, have a ‘normal’ family with a wife and kids and that no one will ever find out who you really are. I feel for you. I really do. But I want you to know that you have nothing to fear. I know you can’t see it now but life will not only get better; it will be amazing.

You will love and be loved: grand, exquisite, breathtaking love. You will travel and see sights you can’t even imagine. Your friendships will be rich and nourishing. Their depth will be based on the courage you have to be yourself.

But you have to let people in. I’m writing to tell you that bottling up your feelings and forcing yourself to date girls is only going to make things worse. In fact, it will take you to a very dark place where you’ll start thinking maybe it would be easier if you didn’t even exist.

Resist the darkness. And know that there is much light ahead. Try and understand that you only get one shot at life. The most important thing is to do what makes you happy, be yourself, and worry less about what other people think about you.

In the end, it will all be okay. Your friends will accept you, your family will accept you, and even your football teammates will accept you.

I know that the footy club is a big part of your life. And I know it’s the place you’re most scared to be yourself. You’re thinking that there is no such thing as a gay footballer. You’re worried about what will happen if you let people know who you really are. I’m here to tell you that when you come out to your local football team, they will embrace you. They will paint the 50m line in a rainbow, the international symbol for gay pride. They will celebrate the fact that you became the first Aussie Rules player at any level to come out publicly on national media. When they hear your story and the impact that homophobic language had on you, they will initiate a ‘Pride Cup’ to celebrate diversity and promote inclusion for LGBTI people in sport.

This message of acceptance will have a ripple effect throughout your home town and across the whole country. You’ll receive handwritten letters from gay men – both young and old – to say thank you. They will tell you that your courage to come out in the macho world of football helped them to accept themselves.

You will step up and become a national figurehead for the fight against homophobia in sport. You won’t do this for the attention or the publicity or for the awards, though you will receive all three. You will do this because of the way you’re feeling right now. You will become the role model you wish you’d had.

I want you to know that you have nothing to fear. Being gay will be a blessing not a curse. Know that you are worthy, you are loved, you are enough. Don’t be afraid to be yourself; be proud of who you are.

– Jason Ball