The weather gets steadily better all week, until by the weekend, it’s a scorching June day. Claire can’t believe the scene on the seafront when she arrives to meet Tor for a swim. Maddy is busy helping Matteo pack up his apartment and Dominica has gone to see her sister-in-law for the day. Pim and the boys are glued to their game with the curtains shut. Despite the crowds, it’s a relief to be out of the house.
‘Jesus, look at all the people,’ Tor says, as she arrives, kissing Claire on the cheek.
The bandstand café is packed, whilst above it on the bandstand itself, there’s a salsa group dancing, the couples gyrating to the Latin music. They pass a gang of students playing a frenzied game of ping-pong on the public tables, and a girl in sequinned hotpants circles in an elegant plié, oblivious to the teenage boys who are attempting parkour between the concrete walls. Longboarders zoom past and the playground is packed with screeching toddlers splashing in the paddling pool. Parents drink pints as they lean against the fence around the edge. Brazen seagulls peck at the rubbish spilling out of the bins.
They cross the ambling crowds to the beach, but there’s no way they’ll be able to get anywhere near their usual spot. There are people on every inch of the pebbles, all of them in various states of undress. Claire knows she’s going to have to share the beach with the tourists now for the rest of the summer, but she hates seeing such a big crowd.
This is her patch of paradise but seeing the faces of the people basking in the sun and staring at the water, she can’t begrudge them the collective joy of being near the sea. The air is thick with the waft of barbecue smoke, the sound of beer cans opening, reggae coming from a sound system.
There’s a wide expanse of sand, reflecting the sunshine. She squints, watching a couple of dogs bound joyfully over it. Further out, there’s plenty of paddleboarders and a couple of jet-skiers churning up the water past the buoys.
They find a spot where the pebbles stop and the sand starts, knowing they have a while before the tide turns.
‘It’s weird to be going in without gloves. I never thought I’d miss the cold water,’ Tor says, ‘but I really do.’
‘Me too. I’m glad Helga isn’t here. She’d hate these crowds.’
‘How is she? Do you know?’
‘Getting better, I think, according to Maddy,’ Claire says, switching her phone off and putting it in the tow float with her keys. Tor does the same. Now it’s so crowded, they can’t leave valuables on the beach. ‘They say her surgery went well.’
‘Is she still being a good patient?’ Tor asks. ‘She was complaining when I went in.’
‘I hope they let her out soon,’ Claire says. ‘It’s driving her nuts.’
The sun is belting down and she knows that the crepey skin on her chest is burning. She frowns at Tor and they both pull a face at how awful it is now that there are so many people in the water. They stride in further and then Claire gives up when the water is thigh deep and starts swimming. They both swim right out and don’t stop until they get to the buoy.
By the time they get there, Claire is out of breath, but it’s good to swim and it’s good to be away from the crowds.
‘Oh, I needed that,’ Tor says, leaning back in the water. Her hair floats around her. She reminds Claire of the famous painting of Ophelia, her hair spread out in the water. ‘It’s been a tough week.’
‘Oh?’
‘Lotte.’
‘What’s going on?’
Tor explains that they’ve been scratchy and tense with each other. ‘It’s the usual thing. She’s cross about me not talking about us to my family. But she doesn’t understand.’
Claire thinks back to Lotte and what she said about not being noticed. ‘You know, I remember when Pim and I got together, he wouldn’t tell his family about me. It really upset me. I just wanted to be accepted, you know?’
‘And did they accept you?’
‘Eventually. But it took a while. It made things really tense between me and Pim, until I realised that even if they hadn’t, it wouldn’t have mattered.’
‘Why?’
‘Because Pim was adamant that he didn’t care how they felt. That what we had was bigger for him. He was happy to sacrifice his family for me.’
‘He was?’
‘Yes. And actually, it was seeing that love and how he felt that brought his family round.’
As they swim together, Claire thinks that she hasn’t thought back to those early days for so long. She’d struggled so hard to come to terms with his family’s rejection, not just of her, but of Pim, who she knew it had hurt far more. But Pim had been steadfast and true and had stood by her and he’d turned things round. His love had been so strong. So noble. It still is, she thinks. Just a bit covered in dust.
‘You know, if you love Lotte, then you have to make it official,’ Claire says. ‘Because they might surprise you … your family.’
‘Graham will be horrible. He’s my idiot of a brother-in-law.’
‘So? Who cares what he thinks?’
‘Alice does.’
‘But she’ll care more about you and how you feel. I’ve got two sisters and the one thing I know is that our relationships are complex and ever moving, but the love is there. Alice will only want that at the end of the day.’
Tor takes a moment to consider this. ‘Maybe. I’m so used to thinking about Graham and how much I hate him, but you’re right. The sister thing is complex. And actually, when the chips have been down, Alice has always been there for me.’
‘So give her the benefit of the doubt,’ Claire says and Tor nods.
They swim on towards the shore, but suddenly, something brushes Claire’s stomach.
‘Oh my God,’ she says with a yelp.
‘What?’
‘There’s something …’ Claire stops and let out a snort of laughter. She puts her hands down, realising that she’s beached herself. ‘I thought … I thought I was being attacked by a fish, but look.’ She stands up. The water is ankle-deep. They both crack up laughing.
They’re still smiling as they get back to their stuff and Tor gets her phone out of the rolled-up float to take a picture to send to the group, but she frowns when she turns it on.
‘Three missed calls,’ she says. ‘That’s weird.’
‘Who are they from?’
Claire watches her as she stares at the screen. ‘What is it?’
‘Home Help has been nominated for a Community Heroes award.’
‘Tor, that’s fabulous,’ Claire says.
‘Oh my God, I can’t believe it!’
‘Well, you deserve it.’ Claire hugs her and Tor lets out a squeak of excitement. It’s wonderful to see her so happy. She wants to tell her that they’ve nominated her, but she’ll wait until the others are there.
‘I’ve got to tell Lotte,’ Tor says.
‘Go on then.’
Tor calls her number, but Lotte doesn’t pick up. ‘Oh, I can’t bear it. I really want to tell her.’
‘I reckon this calls for a celebration,’ Claire says. ‘Let’s get the gang together and go to the pub.’
They hug again.
‘Oh my God, I just can’t believe it,’ Tor says again. She can’t keep the grin from her face.
When Claire gets home, she’s still thinking about her encounter with Tor, and she goes to find Pim in the living room. He’s marking and he barely acknowledges her when she comes in.
‘Can I talk to you?’ she asks.
‘What about?’ He flicks over another page.
She walks over and shuts the folder in front of him. ‘Hey,’ he complains, frowning. ‘I was reading that.’ He folds his arms defensively. ‘I’m listening. What is it?’
‘Well, it’s about the way we communicate.’
‘Communicate?’ he asks, as if checking that she knows the meaning of the word. She ignores his intonation, which is usually the thing that scuppers her.
‘I want us to chat about the things that are important.’
‘We chat all the time.’
‘Do we?’ She stares at his familiar face, seeing the surprise registering. He shifts in his chair uncomfortably. ‘Because I don’t think we do. I mean, in all honesty, I don’t know how you feel about me, or this marriage.’
She hasn’t meant to say something so big – so profound. It feels like she’s treading on sacred turf, asking him to discuss their marriage, but now that she’s said it, it feels like she’s switched a light on in a forgotten room.
‘What? What on earth makes you say that?’
‘A lot of things.’
‘Like what?’
Claire sits down on the chair next to him.
‘Like … I don’t know. When was the last time we had a conversation – just the two of us – that wasn’t something to do with our domestic arrangements?’ He looks startled. ‘And I’m not blaming you. I guess you’re probably feeling lonely and isolated too.’
‘You’re lonely?’ he checks. ‘But we’re together all the time.’
‘Are we, though? Because, if I’m honest, I’ve been feeling a bit lost. Like I’m invisible.’
‘But you’re not. You look after us all.’
‘Exclusively. I shop and cook and clean, but it feels like half the time I’m a domestic slave whilst you get to work and then play Fortnite the rest of the time.’
‘I was just trying to keep the boys occupied.’ He’s defensive and she sighs.
This isn’t going as she’d hoped. She’s just come across as jealous. But then she remembers what Dominica said: that all emotions are valid and that she has to own them. She’s not going to apologise. Even so, she’s annoyed that she’s brought it down to specifics, when she was trying to have a chat about the bigger picture. She’s determined to persevere.
‘And what about you?’ she asks.
‘What about me?’
‘From your point of view? What’s been going wrong?’
‘Wrong?’
‘Well, come on. We’re not firing on all cylinders, are we? Not like we could. Not like we used to.’
He sighs. ‘You seem … I don’t know. Distant. I’ve been wanting to give you space. You’re hard to cuddle at night.’
‘I know,’ she says. ‘It’s these hormones. It’s the menopause.’
‘Aren’t you getting HRT?’
‘I might, but I want to try other things first. But this is all bigger than my body changes.’
‘What is?’ Pim is confused. ‘Just tell me what you’re trying to say.’
‘Well, I’ve been thinking a lot lately. I’m entering the second half of my life. I love you and I love our boys, but I want more. I want to feel fulfilled. I want my life to mean something. I want to help people and do things and make a difference. Not just clear up after you lot.’
She hasn’t said what she wants out loud for so long, it feels scary, but exhilarating too. Like she’s on a water slide and she can’t stop.
‘And I want to feel respected. As a woman. Because, in this house, I feel undermined all the time and I don’t want to be shouted down. I want us to parent better together because I can’t bear clashing with you.’
She’s shaking. Pim stands up, taking all of this in, but he doesn’t say anything.
‘You’ve been bottling all this up?’
She nods.
‘Anything else?’
‘Yes,’ she says, standing up too. It’s now or never. She has to get it all out. ‘You know we haven’t spontaneously snogged for … for so long, I can’t remember when it was. You used to kiss me all the time. Even when the boys were little.’
She feels fluttery inside, saying these words. His eyes are large and focused on her.
‘And I’m not blaming you. I’m to blame too, but life got in the way, didn’t it, and we stopped trying?’
She feels the tears she longs to shed choking her, but she’s determined not to break down. A stray tear falls anyway, and she swipes at it, angrily.
‘Claire,’ Pim says, gently.
‘And I don’t want to get emotional about this stuff. I don’t want you to think that I’m just some menopausal, hormonal mess. Because I might be that at times, but I’m not all the time. And certainly not now. I’m just trying to tell you how I feel and it’s hard, because I haven’t told you for so long.’
‘I’m sorry.’ He walks towards her. ‘I had no idea.’
‘You must feel it too? That we’ve drifted away from us. That we’ve drifted away from what made us so great. Because we were great, Pim. Really great.’
‘I know.’ He’s standing in front of her now and she sees that he’s hearing her.
‘I get that there’s been a pandemic, and everyone has found everything hard,’ she says, ‘but I don’t want us to lose each other.’
‘Neither do I.’ He holds her hands and rubs the wedding band around her finger. ‘How do we fix it?’
‘By talking. By making plans. Discussing dreams.’
‘I don’t know if I have any dreams any more. I feel like they’ve been beaten out of me.’
‘Then let’s make some. Let’s do what we used to do and think about all the things we could be. And how we live our life so we grow together, not apart.’
He nods. ‘I’d like that. But I’m worried that I’ve forgotten how.’
She touches his face. ‘You haven’t forgotten. You’re Pim. My dreamer.’
And, as she stares into his eyes, she sees how vulnerable he is and how scared and she understands the barriers they’ve both put up, just to get through the terror of the world changing around them. But this is her Pim – the man who was prepared to turn his back on his own family for love. He’s her rock and she might have drifted away from him, but now she feels the pull of him stronger than ever.
She steps towards him and he folds her into his embrace.
‘I’ve missed you,’ he whispers and suddenly her tummy flips in anticipation because she knows he’s about to kiss her.
Behind them the door opens and Pim pauses. It’s Ash.
‘Gross,’ Ash says, staring at them.
Pim gives him a look and he backs through the door, which Pim reaches out to kick shut with his foot.
‘Now where was I?’
He pulls her into his arms again and then his lips are on hers. They are tentative at first and then they properly kiss and it feels like a first kiss. A teenage kiss. A kiss that’s been filmed in slow motion for the good bit of a movie.
‘God, you’re right. Why haven’t we snogged? We’re so good at it,’ he whispers.
‘I know,’ she says. ‘I know.’