Chapter Forty-Four

November rolled into December. As my heart healed and I got my self-love back in place, I oddly wished I could see Sophia again. Even if it was only from a distance, we could wave at each other in a sort of well wishing. I wanted her to know I wished for her happiness and forgave her for all the things she had said to me. Regardless of her absence, though, I had put a lot of effort into moving past it, putting the hurt behind me.

Noah, as usual, had been right about keeping my distance from Summer so I didn’t hurt her in the process. When I felt moderately whole again, Noah suggested I sit down with Summer to discuss what we each needed to make our relationship work. Summer and I would only have one shot at making us a couple, and we both knew it. I called her, and we agreed to meet on the waterfront so we could talk without interruption.

I was standing with my back to the street looking out at the Sound when I felt a tap on the shoulder. I turned around and there she was. She was beautiful, even in the gray blur of the day. Her red hair moved gently in the slight wind. She was bundled up against the cold; I had forgotten how easily she was effected by it. I felt bad for recommending we meet outside until I reminded myself she had agreed.

I held out my arms to hug her, momentarily afraid she would refuse until she stepped into them, smiling. She nestled her face into my neck, and joy flowed through my veins filling the spots left empty by our near two months of silence. Her scent overwhelmed my senses even though we were outdoors—she smelt like home. I knew our not talking hadn’t been her fault, but it was all too reminiscent of my first year at school for my liking. I hugged her tight and told her I had missed her. She said she missed me too into the warmth of my neck then asked if we could go inside somewhere.

While the original point of meeting at the waterfront was to be where we wouldn’t be interrupted or overheard, she was shivering so violently when I released her from our hug, I couldn’t refuse her the warmth of a place indoors. We found a small coffee shop a couple blocks away which was mostly empty. We both ordered hot drinks and sat at a table opposite each other.

I laid my hands on the table palms up, saying with a gesture what I was afraid to say with words. I knew I didn’t have the right to ask for couple-like affection while we lived in a limbo-type relationship while I put myself back together, but I did it anyway with actions instead of speech for fear of rejection. If I didn’t say it out loud, I could pretend she might not have known what I wanted exactly.

I sighed mentally when she placed one of her mitten-clad hands in mine. It was a small thing, but it was the baby step I needed to let me know we were both still on the path of us being together.

“I’m glad you came out today,” I said, sounding oddly formal. I was nervous, which was weird. She was my best friend, yet we were sitting across from each other almost like strangers. “I’m sorry, that was weird. This is weird.”

She smirked and retracted her hand. “It is a bit weird, isn’t it? But I don’t know why. I mean, we’ve known each other forever, but now we’re planning to traverse the unknown together.”

“Maybe it’s the waiting and the silence. It’s not like we haven’t gone without talking before, but I don’t think it’s ever been such a conscious effort for me to not pick up the phone and dial your number.”

“I know what you mean. I’ve never wanted to talk to you as much as I did when I couldn’t. Maybe that says something about me as a person, but it’s the truth.”

She wasn’t alone in her feelings. Even when we had been far apart and our conversations halted, I was never under the impression I wasn’t allowed to talk to her, which was how the situation felt. I smiled at her, wishing we could just go back to before everything got messed up, back before I went away to school. But to do that would undo all the lessons we had both learned along the way.

The barista called out our number, and Summer went to retrieve our steaming drinks. When she sat back down and scooted mine across the table, I asked, “So, you’re still waiting for me?”

“I told you I would, and I meant it. I sit at home and eat ramen and shun the people at school who try to bridge the gap.”

“Well, you don’t have to be lonely. You can make friends.”

“I have friends. You met them. What I need is you.”

I smiled down at my hot tea and breathed in the fragrance of it. “I’m working on it. I promise I am.”

“I didn’t say it to rush you. I only wanted to reassure you of my commitment.”

“It means a lot to me.” I smiled as I looked up into her eyes.

We didn’t need to have a conversation about what the other one wanted, not now. It was enough to see her face, and in it I found the answers. She wanted me, me and her as we had always been, but more. We had enough conversations over our years of friendship to fill a book with things we knew about each other. I simply needed a reminder. I let the silence stretch between us as we sipped our drinks, but it was comfortable and familiar.

As she sucked the dregs of her hot chocolate from the cup, she asked, “What did you need to talk about?”

“Nothing—everything. I just needed to see you to bring me back to myself.”

She beamed at me, the full Summer smile. I couldn’t help but smile back as we got up to throw away our trash and head back out into the cold.

“I think I need more of this,” I told her, gesturing to the two of us.

“Done listening to Noah then?”

“He doesn’t know everything, and I don’t think he realizes I’m not me without you.”

I reached for her hand as we walked but she pulled it away gently.

“I want us back on speaking-every-day terms, but are you ready for more than that?”

“I think so.”

“I need you to know so before we go there.”

I nodded.

#

Summer and I talked every day after our outing to the Sound. I would be lying if I said no part of me was waiting for her to drop off the face of the earth again, but every day when I received a text or a call, it filled the hole made long ago with love and an understanding that she was trying as I was. The days of thinking about Sophia had passed long before I felt whole again. I forgave her for the things she had said and made peace with my asexuality.

I had put myself in counseling to rectify the feelings I had about sex, Sophia and Clayton. By mid Decemeber, I understood why I felt like they were the same. Clayton had tried to force himself on me. Then when Sophia would be so adamant and push sex on me, I would sometimes zone out while it happened because my mind had associated the two. It explained the panic I felt and the eventual need to make her understand I didn’t want to, which ultimately ended our relationship.

It was finals week again before I knew it. I felt sure of myself once again, but I didn’t know if I was ready for another relationship. I couldn’t be sure if my feelings of completeness were because I was healed or if it was the stress of finals pushing everything else from my mind. I kept the idea to myself, not wanting to get Summer’s hopes up. Winter break was coming, which would give me plenty of time to assess things properly.

Finals week passed, and even with the rough semester, I got good grades. I was excited to be going home. I wanted to see if my mom really had changed and maybe start a positive relationship with her. I missed my brother and the rest of my family. Christmas was everywhere as we rode the shuttle to the airport. Summer and I flew home together, her sleeping on my shoulder for most of the flight.

Summer’s parents picked us up from the airport, eager to see her since she had been away so long. Summer and I didn’t discuss protocol or anything like that about returning home. I knew her parents respected her privacy, but more so, we were who we had always been. No need to make a big deal out of something we had been doing forever.

They dropped me off at my mom’s house. I was sad to leave Summer but grateful to have a bit more time to evaluate things before I fell into her again. We were set to see each other in a week. It would give each of us time to see our families before consuming each other for the whole of the winter break.

After waving goodbye, I walked up the walkway. My mother rushed out the door, grabbed me up and crushed me against her, apparently not dissuaded by Cooper telling her the story was fake. I was hoping it hadn’t changed her mind.

I dropped my bags to hug her back, and in my ear she whispered, “I love you.”

I had waited years for this. What kind of child waits nineteen years to hear I love you from their parent? I guess this one. We stood holding each other in the front yard without concern for the minutes spent there. In fact, we stood there so long Cooper came out of the house to issue his greeting.

“Hey, how was the flight?” he called to me, walking from the house.

“Good,” I called back, not breaking the hug.

His monster arms encircled us both. This caused my mother to burst into tears. We didn’t let go until she had stopped crying. After a few minutes, I felt the rumble of my bother chuckling silently. When she felt sated, my mother straightened herself and looked at me and my brother.

She smiled and turned to walk into the house, calling over her shoulder, “Don’t think this means you’re ungrounded.”

I looked at Cooper, who rolled his eyes, his grin dying on his lips, and I burst out laughing. Even though I loved Seattle, I had a feeling being home wasn’t going to be so hard this time—maybe even enjoyable.