The pig was waiting in the sports lounge. He looked me up and down, then smiled in a way that made me tighten the toweled belt around my waist. Barry said he was there to talk to me about an incident at the garage the night before, that the police would like some help, please, with their inquiries.
What sort of incident? I asked.
The pig cleared his throat, told me that some kids had frightened the lady working behind the counter, threatened her with a concealed weapon, then nicked a load of stuff before running off. She didn’t get a good look at them because they had hoods over their heads and scarves covering their faces, but, by the sounds of it, one of them fitted the description of Danny.
What’s that s’posed to mean?
Excuse me?
Well, if she couldn’t see their faces, how could she tell it were Danny?
The pig cleared his throat again, his nostrils flaring ever so slightly. The description she gave us, he said, enunciating his words slowly, matched the one we have on file. For Daniel Campbell.
I curled my lip. Sounds like bollocks to me.
Neef—
Well, it does. And besides. It weren’t Danny. Apart from the fact he’d never do owt like that, he were at home last night.
And were you with him?
I paused, pulled my hair out of my collar. No. Fer a bit, but…I know he were at home.
What time did you last see him?
I dunno. Eightish?
The pig raised his eyebrows. I see, he said. This particular incident happened just after midnight.
I didn’t say anything to that but he nodded smugly as though I had, thanked me for my help. As soon as he was gone I went upstairs, threw on some clothes, ran all the way to Mary’s.
Danny answered the door straight away as though he’d been waiting there, but at the sight of me, his face changed. Oh, he said. It’s you.
Were you expectin someone, like?
He frowned. Why you so out of breath?
I…I dunno, I wanted to say sorry. About yesterday. I shouldn’t have said that about yer dad.
Danny leaned against the doorframe, his arms folded. Yeah. You shouldn’t have. He gave me a half smile. But I’ll let you off, seein as it’s you.
He didn’t make any move to invite me in and so we stood there awkwardly. Is yer nana home? I asked after a while.
She just left fer work. And I’m off out in a bit.
I wanted to ask him where he was going but something about the way he was acting stopped me. We’ve had the pigs down t’pub. Askin if you had owt to do wi t’garage gettin turned over last night.
You and me both. They came round first thing this morning, I’ve already had me nan flippin her lid at me. But it’s fine. They know it weren’t me now.
How?
He shifted his weight from foot to foot, not quite meeting my eye. I were…a few of us went over to Donna’s. Fer a bit. And her mam were there. She works fer t’council, upstandin citizen and all that. Anyways, she rang em. Said I were there last night. And so they’ve left it alone. Fer now.
Fer a bit?
What?
You said you were only there fer a bit. But it were after midnight when it happened.
All right, Nancy Drew.
I didn’t laugh at Danny’s joke. Instead I stared at my feet, trying to think of what to say next, but in the end it didn’t matter. Both of us heard the familiar snarl of the car engine at the same time, getting louder until eventually it cut entirely, right outside Mary’s house. Denz was the last person I wanted to see in that moment.
I better go.
You all right?
Yeah. Yeah, why wouldn’t I be?
I hoped I could get to the gate before Denz got out of the car but he swung open his door as I reached the footpath, making it so that I couldn’t avoid him. It had been months since I’d seen him last. For a second he didn’t say anything, just looked at me funny, as though he wasn’t sure it was me. It caught me off guard and a moment passed before either of us spoke. He broke the silence first.
Easy.
All right.
You surprised to see me?
No more’n I usually am.
At that, Denz raised his eyebrows. How’s your mum?
What?
Your mum. She all right?
Yeah. She’s all right.
Another nod. Good. That’s good.
I stared at him coldly and he smiled uncertainly. Did Danny tell you?
Tell me what?
Denz glanced toward the front door where Danny still stood, watching without making any move to join us. Nowt, he said. Nowt. He paused. Mebbe I’ll bring him down t’pub later. Will Chrissy be about?
Mebbe, I replied, my eyes narrowed.
Our conversation was sparse and yet it clung to me, all of the unsaid like tinnitus in my ears. I wanted to act like I didn’t care, but when I got back to the pub I found myself sitting in the back bar by the window, a ruse of school books spread on the table in front of me.
Danny and Denz showed up an hour later. It was midweek, so there was hardly anyone in and Chrissy was supposed to be looking after the bar while Barry did some paperwork in the office upstairs. We both heard the car pull into the car park. I knew without even looking up that Chrissy would be checking herself in the mirror, pulling her hair out of her face, readjusting her neckline to show another half inch of skin.
I kept my head bent low as they crossed the tarmac, didn’t want Danny to think I was watching them, even though I was. My insides tightened at the way he mimicked Denz’s walk, how he set his shoulders square, his hands slung lazily in his pockets. I tried to pretend I hadn’t noticed when they walked in, but Danny came straight over, ruffled my hair like everything was normal. I pushed his hand away.
Get off. Don’t mess me hair up.
He laughed, sat down across from me. Your hair’s always a mess, Neef.
I kicked his leg under the table, looked up at him properly, my heartbeat quickening at the nearness of him. Where’s Denz? I asked, realizing that we were alone.
Danny raised an eyebrow. Yer mum’s probably tryin to work her magic on him, knowin her.
I stood then, more quickly than I’d meant to. Made my way behind the bar and through the passage that led into the front part of the pub. Denz was sitting on a stool in the sports lounge, Chrissy perched on the edge of the sink, her head leaning in toward him. They both looked up at me when I walked in, in a way that made me certain I’d interrupted something.
Oi! You’re not meant to be behind this bar. Barry’ll have a fit if he sees yer, Chrissy scowled.
I ignored her, set my eyes on Denz. What you two doin round here?
He held up his glass, swirled the syrupy liquid so that the ice cubes chinked against the side and smiled, then turned to Chrissy. She’s growin up, int she? Not such a little girl anymore.
Chrissy blinked then peered at me, her eyes flashing as though something had suddenly occurred to her, a dark thought that made me want to back out of her sight. Then just as quickly, it was gone—she’d caught herself. She hopped off the sink with a little laugh, telling Denz to pipe down, waving me away dismissively with a flick of the hand.
You two kids go and play.
I could tell she’d chosen those words carefully. Chrissy’s eyes locked with mine then and I took a step back, knocking my elbow on the pop tap as I brushed past it, so that it squirted a stream of brown sticky liquid onto my shoe.
Danny was waiting for me where I’d left him, his eyes a question. I marched ahead and out of the back door but he caught up, slowing me down with a hand on my shoulder. It surprised me, the weight of it there, the firmness. I crossed my arms over my chest, hugging my fingers under my armpits so that he wouldn’t see them tremor. We walked in silence, side by side, and I noticed how tall he’d grown.
It’s true though, innit? he said after a while, as though we’d been in the middle of a conversation.
What?
You. Us. We’re not kids anymore.
So?
Nowt, just…He tilted his face up to the slate of the sky and I waited for him to say more, but he didn’t.
At the bus station we sat down, the plastic of the benches cold, even through our clothes. Danny pulled a crumpled cigarette from his pocket, lit it. Twos?
When did you start havin cigs?
He shrugged, took a few drags then held it out to me.
What’s goin on with you and Donna then? I asked, not looking at him.
He grinned sheepishly, dug his elbow into my ribs. Why? You jealous?
I stayed quiet, flicking ash onto the floor. Yeah, I said eventually and he laughed, swung his arm around my neck.
Neefy, the little green-eyed monster, eh?
Shut up, dickhead. With a shove I wriggled free of his grip, put the cigarette to my lips. She yer girlfriend then? I said, blowing the smoke out the side of my mouth.
He laughed again, leaned over and landed a kiss hard on my cheek. Nah. I’ll never have a girlfriend, me.
What, never?
Nope. Never. Our eyes held for a moment and then Danny looked away, started jiggling his knee up and down, a nervous tic. You know Lewis moved to London, he said.
I frowned, confused at the direction the conversation had taken. Did he?
Yeah. He told me dad he’s sick of Leeds, reckons the pigs up here’ve got his card marked. His uncle’s sorted him out with a job down there, a flat in Brixton.
Nice one.
It’s sick, is London—all me dad’s mates say so. There are these gardens, I read about em in t’library, you should see the pictures. Plants from all over the world, more’n fifty thousand of em. Can you imagine? It’d be like travelin the entire planet in just one day. He paused for a moment, shifted uncomfortably. Still, though, he said. Me dad’ll miss him. Thick as thieves, them two.
I rolled my eyes, leaned back against the wall. The Leeds bus was pulling into the station, its doors creaking open for a woman with thinning white hair and a cobra-head cane that shook every time she took a step. As she climbed on board, she glanced over her shoulder at Danny and me, said something to the driver that I couldn’t make out. The two of them looked back at us, the driver shaking his head with disdain.
I think I might move in with him.
I turned my attention back to Danny, confused. What, Lewis?
Nah, yer div. Me dad.
Why?
Danny shrugged. Keep him company, I s’pose.
Him and Lewis don’t even live together!
Not just that. Danny sighed, his leg still jittering. I dunno, it’s just…feels like every time I step out the house these days someone’s runnin back to me nana with a story about summat I done wrong. I know what they all think. Poor old Mary. Ending up with a grandson like that—
That’s not true, I cut in, but Danny carried on.
Worst bit of it is, she’s all too ready to believe it. You should hear the way she goes on. I’ve seen it all on t’telly, she goes. Drugs, crime, the sort of stuff that kids like you get into. And what hope have you got anyway, with a father like that? I’m sick of it, man. I’ve had enough.
One of the paving stones underneath my feet was broken, and I pried the corner of it loose with the toe of my trainer, pressing my foot down so that its jagged edges dug through the rubber. I thought about how it would feel to pick it up, launch it at the bus. Imagined it smashing through the windscreen, ricocheting off the driver’s head right into the face of that stupid old woman. I hated her. Hated him. Hated the idiot pigs in that town, the bigoted teachers at Danny’s school. Mary. Barry. Denz. I fucking hated Denz.
When? I said quietly.
Danny rubbed his palm over the back of his skull, the hair there still shaven down to almost nothing. Now, he said. Today.
My hand trembled as I brought the end of the cig to my lips, sucked hard. Please don’t go, Danny.
He looked up at me in surprise. What?
Please. I just…nowt. I mean…My words trailed off and I sniffed, wiped my nose with the back of my hand.
You’re not cryin, are yer? he said, almost in disbelief.
No, I said, shaking my head, pulling myself back together again. I just got smoke in me eyes.
Chrissy was sitting at her dressing table in her underwear when I got back, dabbing orange makeup onto her forehead with a sponge. I perched on the end of the bed, watching her. She’d be heading down to the pub soon until closing time at least, maybe later if the police turned a blind eye. I could never sleep until I heard her stumble up the stairs. When we first moved in, I used to go down early on in the night, sit at the bar with a Coke and a packet of salt-and-vinegar crisps. But it did my head in after a while, everyone half cut, trying to get me to dance with them, acting daft, kissing and cuddling me like they’d known me all my life.
D’you love him? I heard myself say.
Chrissy turned and looked at me, a mascara wand halfway to her face. Love who?
Barry. Do you love him?
She snorted, turned back to the mirror, her eyes wide and unblinking as she fanned her lashes out with the wand.
Well, do yer?
You gone soft or what?
I just want to know.
She didn’t answer me as she got to her feet, walking over to the double wardrobe at the other side of the room and flinging open the doors. From one of the drawers, she pulled out a silver dress and held it up against herself in the mirror, then wriggled into it, tucking the straps of her bra into the seams. We’d be in a lot of shit, you know, she said, her eyes not moving from her reflection. If it weren’t fer Barry. He helped us out. She paused, fixing a thick hoop into her earlobe. The pair of us. He really helped us out.
Yeah, I said. But d’you love him?
She sighed, turned back to the wardrobe, rifling through the shoe rack and retrieving a pair of sandals, high-heeled and plastic and glittering. Course I do, she said, her back still to me as she slid her little feet into the shoes, the straps gaping around her ankles.
Denz were askin after you earlier, before he came in.
Chrissy spun to face me, her eyes narrowed. When did you see him?
At Danny’s. I shrugged flippantly.
What did he say?
I leaned back into the cushions littering the bed, pulled one onto my lap. It was velvet, dark purple like a blackberry, with gold tassels hanging from each of its four corners. There were three of them on the bed, then two smaller ones, round and quilted, all propped up against the pile of pillows. Chrissy had chosen them when we’d moved in. I don’t think we’d ever even owned a cushion before that.
You not gonna tell me then? She was staring at me now, wrapping a section of her hair around a curling tong.
I wanted to test her, see if my suspicions about her feelings for Denz were true. He said he thought you were beautiful, I lied.
She bit her lip and I could see she was trying not to smile. Well, that’s nice.
Danny’s off to live with him.
With who?
Denz.
What?
Danny. He’s gonna live with Denz.
Chrissy stood still for a moment, then cracked her neck from one side to the other. A look came into her eyes that I couldn’t read and I trailed after her into the bathroom, watching as she sprayed aerosol onto her armpits, her face thick with makeup, the muscles in her calves pulled tight in her high heels. Part of me wanted to follow her, cling to her, block her from view so that no one could look at her. But I knew they’d ogle her regardless, that she’d soon forget about me, forget I was sitting on the high stool at the bar wishing I could lock her away where no one would find her. She looked at me, her face serious, and for a second I thought she had something to say. But then she turned on her heel, tottered out toward the stairs in the hallway.