So you fancied her, I cut in impatiently.
Nah, not really.
I frown. Why not?
She weren’t my type. And besides. She were with Barry.
You hated Barry.
Barry hated me. And what I mean is, if she were the type to be with someone like him, well. She weren’t my type.
I lean back against the wall of the kitchen, then sink to the floor, wrap the phone cord around my wrist so that the skin bubbles between each twirl, mottled pink and white.
Go on, I say, and Denz does as I ask, tells me how he made an effort to stay away from the pub, how he always knew they had a problem with him in there and he couldn’t be doing with it, didn’t need the aggro. Then one day he was walking through town, on his way to see Danny. He’d parked his car by the supermarket; if he left it near Mary’s, she’d only give Danny grief about letting Denz in her house. That’s when he saw Chrissy coming toward him across the car park, dressed up to the nines in the middle of the day, waving at him and then linking his arm like she’d known him for years, even though they’d only met for five minutes down the pub that time. At first he was off with her, didn’t want anything to do with folk from that town. But she kept chatting away about this and that and, in the end, he warmed to her a bit. He felt sorry for her, he said. Even though she was flirty, too flirty, there was something sad about her. Something lonely.
She walked with him nearly all the way to Mary’s, not seeming to care that anyone might see her—he knew how they liked to gossip round there. But he quite liked it, that she didn’t care. At the top of Mary’s street he told her she’d better go, that he was going to meet Danny, and Chrissy grinned, stood up on her tiptoes and kissed his cheek, and he’d thought yeah, all right, she’s not a bad girl after all. But just as she’d been about to leave, she whispered in his ear.
Got any gear?
He’d stiffened, standing up straight and taking a step back from her. What makes you ask that?
Well, have yer?
No, he’d said. No.
She’d shrugged then. All right, she’d chirped, turning on her heel and waving at him over her shoulder. Bye.
It made him uneasy, after that, the way Danny would talk about me all the time. Denz knew Chrissy’s type, knew that anyone mixed up with her could only mean trouble. He didn’t want Danny falling into the wrong crowd, but he wasn’t around enough to make sure he didn’t.
Where were you then?
I were workin, sometimes, he says. But other times, it’s like I said. I weren’t well, Neef. I weren’t up to bein a dad.
So you weren’t in the nick then?
The nick?
That’s what I always thought.
Denz lets out a laugh on the other end of the phone. Nah, man. Not in the nick. I mean, they tried their hardest. But no, I never went down. Easy to make assumptions, though, innit? he says, and I am glad then that he can’t see me.
The next time Denz saw Chrissy he asked for her number and he could tell that made her giddy, but it was only because he wanted to keep an eye on her. On me. He wanted to know the people around Danny; could tell there was something between his kid and hers.
He rang her every week or two, and after a while she started to confide in him. At first it was just over the phone, but then he got into the habit of picking her up, taking her for little drives before he’d go and see Danny. Then one day he took her to his house and once she knew where he lived, that was it, Chrissy started showing up there whenever she felt like it without a word of warning. He’d grown to like her company by then, and besides, no one wants to see anyone as unhappy as she was. Somehow they ended up sleeping together—
Somehow? What’s that supposed to mean, “somehow”?
I aren’t sayin I’m perfect, Neef.
So why did you do it? I snap. Did you care about her? Did you love her?
Denz pauses, chooses his words carefully. Not at first, he says. I aren’t gonna lie. It were just…I needed to keep her close. But then it kept happenin and yeah, maybe my feelings changed. I felt sorry for her—
You slept with her because you felt sorry for her?
No. I dunno. It’s hard to explain. I thought I could help her. I thought I could sort her out. Then Danny started gettin in trouble, police on his case all the time. I needed to get him out of that town; he were old enough by then that Mary didn’t have a say in it, and that’s when he moved in with me. I cut things off with Chrissy, I couldn’t give her what she needed and, besides, Danny needed me more. She took it badly, though, started turnin up at me house again at all hours, always off her nut.
I rest my forehead on my knees, listening.
One night Danny woke up, came downstairs to see what all the noise was about and found Chrissy half naked in the hallway. I tried to lie me way out of it, but Danny weren’t stupid. He couldn’t understand what I were playin at and I didn’t have the words to explain. By then Chrissy were in a bad state, I couldn’t turn her away. I didn’t know what she might do to herself if I weren’t there to listen.
Denz pauses.
It’s not because I loved her, owt like that, it’s just…I didn’t want…It’s complicated, Neef.
Keep going, I hear myself say.
Denz clears his throat, does as I ask, his voice slow, measured. The third time she turned up there, Danny packed his bags, called me a hypocrite. All those years I’d preached to him about morals and respect, and now I was sleeping with someone like Chrissy—Chrissy who had a fella and still put it about, who were off her head on all sorts, who couldn’t even look after her own kid— He catches himself. I’m sorry, Neef. I know it int nice to hear them things. I’m just…
Go on.
He lets out a long sigh before speaking again.
Danny said he didn’t want to see me anymore, moved back in with his nana that same day, and I knew then what a mess I’d made of everything. I’d wanted to keep Danny away from that town, away from Chrissy, from…from you. And instead I’d pushed him further into it.
So I came up with a plan, a stupid, flawed plan. If I couldn’t keep Danny close, then at least I could keep Chrissy away from him. I told meself I were doin you a favor too, that you’d be better off without a mam than one like Chrissy.
When I told Chrissy to leave Barry, she laughed out loud, said it weren’t as easy as that, she had nowhere to go. So I told her I’d look after her. That I’d help her sort herself out.
And me? I ask.
Denz doesn’t respond.
Well? I say quietly. Didn’t she ever say, What about Neef?
The sound of his breath hisses in my ear. I told her, he says, that you were all right where you were. That you were happy there. That it would be better for you. And besides, Chrissy had…She needed to sort herself out.
I press my skull hard against my kneecaps. Denz told Chrissy to leave me. He was the one to convince her it was a good idea, that she’d be better off without me around. But the truth of it—the cold, hard, bitter fact—is that she listened. My mam chose to leave me behind.
I aren’t proud of what I did, Neef, I hear Denz saying. I thought it were for the best.
Who were you to decide that?
A silence falls but I need to know it all.
And after that? I whisper hoarsely.
She stayed with me. For a bit. But she couldn’t change. I told her I wouldn’t stand for it, I wouldn’t have any of that shit under my roof. I warned her the first time, gave her three chances in t’end. But she didn’t listen, she kept on doin it. And so I lost patience, realized I couldn’t help someone who don’t want to be helped. Kicked her out, told her she needed to look after herself.
I frown, confused. But what if she had sorted herself out? What if she’d stopped using there and then? Would you have made a go of it? Would the four of us all have lived together, playing Happy Families? And wouldn’t that have defeated the whole point, wouldn’t that mean Danny would be around the both of us even more than he already was?
There is a long silence before Denz speaks again. I always knew she wouldn’t stop, he says quietly. She weren’t the type.
I suck in my breath sharply. You tricked her.
Nah, no, that int true—
She thought she was leaving Barry to be with you. She thought you’d look after her. But you never had any intention of being with her.
She needed to look after herself. You both did.
You’re a piece of shit.
You’re not the first to say that.
I take a deep breath. Another. Another. I am furious with Denz for what he did to my mam. Furious with her for falling for it. For all the lies, the countless let-downs. But there is still a part of all this that I don’t understand.
Why didn’t Danny tell me?
Denz is quiet for so long that I wonder if he’s hung up. Probably he were ashamed of me, he says at last. He held it against me, you know, all these years.
Did you hear from her? After that?
Yeah. Yeah, now and again. She went off the rails good and proper for a bit, got mixed up in all sorts. And then a few years ago she got in touch. She lives in Ireland now, apparently. Married to a fella out there—somethin O’Leary, I think. Seems to be doin all right, by the looks of it.
Chrissy. Married. I can’t imagine it.
Why didn’t she ever come back for me? I murmur, maybe more to myself than to Denz.
I dunno, Neef. Denz lets out a long sigh. She were a mess for a bit. I reckon she had some sort of breakdown for a while there. And then a few years later, you’d disappeared yourself. She might’ve been looking for you all this time. I am sorry, you know, Neef. I thought I had no choice, I did it for—
For Danny.
He pauses. Yeah.
I pick up a paper napkin lying forgotten on the kitchen floor, shred it with my fingers, let the material disintegrate like snow.
You’ve got to understand, Neef, Denz says eventually. You’ve got to understand what it were like.
What?
For Danny. For me. I were only tryin to protect him, I know I went the wrong way about it, I can see that now. But back then, I thought I were doin the right thing.
But what about me?
With all due respect, he says, his voice thick with sorrow, you weren’t my kid.