Ste didn’t need asking twice to come round to Mary’s. Him and a bunch of his bootlickers were still there and half out of it when Danny got back late that night.
Danny gave me a dirty look as he walked through the door but I pretended not to see it, slunk upstairs to get a hoodie. When I came down again, Ste was leaning over Mary’s coffee table rolling a cig, while Danny stood glowering in the far corner of the room.
That’s where the proper money is, see, Ste was saying. I been hearin about it, these lads over in Bradford. They’re smart, man. Know how to get around the law. They tape the shit under a pool table, or leave it in old pop cans in t’gutter, and after the money’s been exchanged, they tell the junky where to find the can, or which boozer the table’s in. Means the pigs can’t pin it to anyone, so it’s risk-free, yeah?
Danny took a swig from a bottle of something in his hand, his foot tapping, eyes hard. I willed Ste to shut up, but I never said it out loud. Just leaned against the wall, picking at the chapped skin on my lips.
Key wi that stuff, Ste ranted, is just to push it. Not to take any yerself, but to find those that want to. Know what I’m sayin?
Nah, Ste, Danny growled. I don’t know what you’re sayin, pal. Elaborate fer us, will yer?
Ste’s face was smug and he leaned forward conspiratorially, as though he were making some big revelation. Smackheads, man. That’s where the cash is. That’s how yer lass can put some proper bread on t’table.
The room itself seemed to hold its breath then. There was a line, even if no one had ever said as much. But now Ste had crossed it.
You know owt about that stuff, Ste?
Ste looked up at Danny again. I know what I need to, mate, he scoffed.
Danny nodded slowly in a way that reminded me of Denz. Papaver somniferum, he said. You know what that is?
You what?
The flower of joy. It comes from the mountains. Miles and miles from here. And when the flowers bloom, they’re bright, bright red.
Ste scratched the back of his neck then looked back down at the table, carried on with what he’d been doing like he’d lost interest in the conversation. But Danny’s eyes stayed fixed on him with an intensity that made me pull the collar of my hoodie up over my chin.
When the petals fall away, they leave behind a pod, a little pod in the shape of an egg, Danny said. We were all watching him by now, but no one spoke, no one sure where this was going. That’s where you’ll find it, inside that pod. Dreams of the damned.
Ste sat up straight in the armchair, put the cig he’d been rolling to his lips, but he didn’t light it.
As the sap oozes out, Danny carried on, taking a step further into the room, it turns thick and dark. A black, sticky gum that seeps from the pod. They mix it up then. Mix it with all sorts of chemicals and shit—stuff that’ll rot yer insides, eat away at yer brain and yer body. They turn it into a fluffy white powder, pack it into bricks and sell it on fer someone else to mix with a load of other shit, and then someone else and someone else again. Until eventually it reaches some poor fool, someone who’s got nowt else to live fer, and they pump it into their veins and ruin their whole fuckin lives. Next thing you know…
He lifted his fist, brought it down hard on the table.
…BOOM! You’re dead.
I gasped and Danny cackled, a manic laugh that didn’t reach his eyes. He looked at me for a second before turning, leaving through the back door.
He’s off his rocker, that one, Ste muttered.
But the room didn’t feel the same after that.
Not long after that night, Ste asked me to go on a pickup with him, pulled up next to me in his chavvy little Corsa when I was dragging my feet back to Mary’s at the end of my shift. I hesitated, wanting to say no, but not wanting to face Danny, either.
Danny and I had been bickering constantly. If he wasn’t stoned out of his mind, he’d be in a bad mood about the factory, looking for a row, getting on my case about every tiny little thing. It wound me up something rotten, but mostly I just bit my tongue. Danny was all I had, I didn’t know who I was without him. I wanted to pull it back, fix us. But it wore me down, the way he’d snap and snarl and scowl at me, like all the bad things were my fault.
Are you comin or what? Ste bawled through the crack in the window.
I pulled open the passenger door, climbed in beside him.
The stereo was broken and neither of us had a right lot to say. Instead I stared out of the window as we drove away from the town toward Bradford, a place of Gothic, looming cathedrals and the shut eyes of abandoned mills. Past a football club, a train station, turning off behind a row of narrow terraces.
Ste squeezed my thigh, too high, too hard, winked at me. He climbed out of the car and I followed him, walking quickly with my head bent low. A bunch of kids were playing in the street, two girls in tracksuits pushing prams, a man in a gray salwar kameez hurrying up the road. We stopped outside an unremarkable little house, the paint on the windowsills chipped, no number on the door. Ste knocked, but no one came and so he tried again, louder this time. A few minutes passed before a girl of no more than twelve or thirteen peered out, a curtain of dark hair hanging over her face. A look of recognition flitted in her eyes at the sight of Ste and she opened the door just wide enough to let us pass. I watched as she closed it firmly behind us, securing it with a chain, her little hand a pocketful of bones.
Inside, the air smelt like vinegar but sweeter somehow, the room almost empty of furniture. An upturned box was being used as a makeshift table, littered with torn-up bits of foil, papers, a couple of burnt spoons. In the corner stood a scruffy armchair occupied by a fella who I could barely make out in the half light.
Now then, Ste, he said, his voice coarse and cracked. I took a step toward the wall, my legs Bambi-like as I rested up against it, trying to bring the room into focus.
You all right, love? He leaned forward into the light and his eyes slithered along the length of me. I saw then his misshapen nose, the front tooth split in half. A face that looked as though it had met its fair share of fists. You look like you’re gonna keel over. Why don’t you take a seat? he rasped.
I’m not stoppin.
The man laughed. What, you don’t like it here? He nodded at Ste then. This yer bird, is it?
Ste smirked. Summat like that.
My eyes darted to him furiously but I kept my mouth shut. The man laughed again, then got to his feet and Ste followed him wordlessly out of the room. The door fell closed behind them and the young girl stood up silently from where she’d been kneeling on the dirty floor, her movements sluggish. I edged toward the sofa, perching on the arm, and from there I could see through the doorway into a sparse-looking kitchen where two other girls stood, one playing on a mobile phone, the other staring vacantly into space.
The young girl was leaning over the makeshift table now, her hair still covering most of her face. She was laying out objects. Foil, a lighter, a small straw-like tube. I watched transfixed as she folded over, head bent, the room so quiet that I could hear the crinkling of the foil, the flick of the flint, the sucking intake of breath. After a moment or two she slumped back against the wall, her face dead, her shoulders sagged forward. I tried not to think about how old she was.
When Ste came back, he didn’t speak, gestured at me with a nod to get up, get out. It was dark by then and I kept my eyes fixed on the tail lights of the cars in front of us—see how fast they go, see how they blur, look at the shapes they make in the darkness. Block out all that I had just seen, fill my head with thoughts of nothingness. Silent and blank.
We pulled up outside Mary’s house and I reached over to unhook my belt, but as I did so, Ste lunged forward, hooked a hand around the back of my neck. He tugged me toward him, pressing his mouth on mine so hard that I felt the edges of his teeth on my lips.
What you doin? I hissed, rearing back in disgust.
Come on, Neef, it’s only a bit of fun. He grinned, leaning in toward me again.
I climbed out of the car as quick as I could, slammed the door behind me, almost running toward the house. But the other door slammed too. Ste was following me.
What the fuck are you doin?
He smiled. Just comin in to see Danny.
Danny was in the front room, the telly on mute. Where you been?
Nowhere, I lied. Just at t’pub.
Ste still had that stupid smirk smeared across his mug, sat himself down on the opposite side of the sofa from Danny, who was eyeing us both warily, tapping his fingers against the can in his hand.
Oh, I meant to say, Neef, Ste said casually, lifting his feet to rest on the coffee table. I saw an old mate of yours today.
I didn’t say anything back, just looked at him coldly.
Shaun, he carried on. Shaun McAlister.
Never heard of him.
You have. Course you have! Shauny Mac, you remember him.
I cleared my throat, got to my feet. Anyone want a brew? I asked, my voice sounding strange. Too chirpy, too high-pitched.
You were sick in the back of his brother’s car, remember? That night. When you took em all off fer a little adventure.
I froze then, my body tensing.
Yeah, Ste sniggered. I thought you’d remember.
Danny was staring at me too now, his face a question, but Ste wasn’t done.
Funny, innit? he said, helping himself to a can from the six-pack on the table, snapping back the ring-pull so that the lager fizzed over his hands, dripping onto Mary’s sofa. You two. Playin house.
Is it? Danny said, an edge in his voice.
Yeah. Ste flicked his hand, spraying amber droplets onto the carpet. Yeah, I never thought. I dunno. Just didn’t think you’d end up together properly, you pair.
Why’s that then?
Well. You always had an eye fer t’ladies, Dan, let’s be honest now. And Neef. He paused, sucking the froth from the top of the can and looking at me in a way that made my lungs tighten. She were a wild one.
Danny narrowed his eyes. Hardly, mate.
I willed Ste to stop, my heart pounding against my ribs, but he knew he had the floor now, knew he had something on me that Danny didn’t. Well, if you don’t call what she got up to with all them lads out in t’lap of nature wild, pal, then I don’t know what to tell yer.
The air sucked out of the room and I felt myself begin to tremble, didn’t dare look at Danny, stared down at my feet instead. What? I heard him say.
Neef, Ste answered. Back in t’day. You must’ve heard. Everyone were talkin about it. She were a little firecracker, by all accounts.
It weren’t like that, I said, but so quietly that no one could have heard.
Anyways. Ste smirked. All a long time ago, though, innit? Only got eyes fer each other these days, eh?
I knew Danny was still staring at me but my head was too heavy to lift, to meet his gaze. There was a roar in my ears, and the next thing I knew, Ste was standing, saying something about leaving us to it, that it didn’t seem like we were in the mood for company tonight. As he left he reached out, ruffled my hair. See yer later, sexy. He grinned.
The room stayed silent after Ste had gone, the pair of us sitting there in the half dark, our faces illuminated by the glow of the muted telly.
What were he talkin about, Neef?
It weren’t like that, I said again. I put my head in my hands, squeezed my eyes shut, my fingers rubbing at my scalp, remembering how it had hurt. It were ages ago. Before you and me ever…I thought you were with Donna and…I were drunk, I never—
Who were they?
I don’t know. I never knew.
You never knew?
Some lads. I dunno. They were older, we were all drunk.
What happened? Where did you go?
It don’t matter.
It matters to me. All this time, I thought I were the only one you ever…
You are, you are. They didn’t count.
Danny leaned forward in his chair, rubbed his face with his palms. Course they counted, Neef. Course they fuckin counted.
I pressed the heels of my palms against my eyes, tried to stop them seeing. When I looked up, I saw that Danny was watching me.
When did it happen? Where?
Ages ago. You were livin with Denz.
What did Ste mean? About nature, about an adventure?
I shook my head, didn’t want to think about it, didn’t want to remember.
Where were yer?
It don’t matter.
Where, Neef?
I swallowed, met his gaze as the room closed in on us. Devil’s, I whispered.
It took a moment for the word to sink in, but once it did, Danny’s face, the way he looked at me, changed.
I waited and I looked and I hoped. But for all the time I knew him, it never changed back.