Ste came to see me at some point, let himself into my room without knocking. I kept my back to him, curled up in a ball on the mattress. Didn’t have to look at him to see the sneer smeared across his face.
You know how to have fun, don’t yer? Proper little goer when you want to be.
He came again the next day, and the one after that. I hadn’t moved from the bed. At first he was light, jokey, but as time wore on, his mood changed.
I don’t know what you’re bein so mardy about it fer. You sore or summat? You need to get yer shit together, you do.
By the fourth day he started getting scared. Come on, Neef. It were just a bit of a laugh. You liked it at the time, you were up fer it. Don’t you remember?
At some point I must have got up, got dressed, because the next thing I remember is flagging down a cab on the high street, giving the driver an address a few streets away from where Denz lived. When the taxi got near, I opened the door and jumped out onto the curb, then ran as fast as I could toward the park, while the driver yelled after me to pay him his bloody fare. I hid in the bushes until it felt safe enough to come out, pulling my hood over my head as I hurried down the street, my body bent low.
It was dark when I arrived—inside Denz’s house as well as out. I remember standing on the doorstep, looking for the bell, not being able to find it and knocking instead, bouncing from foot to foot. Everything itched and I rubbed at my face, my arms, wishing I could tear off my skin with my nails. Knocking and knocking, but no one came and so I banged. I banged and banged and banged and maybe I yelled, shouted, called out Danny’s name, Denz’s too. Eventually there were noises inside. Voices. A light being switched on then off, then on again. And another noise, an animal perhaps…a dog. No. A baby. A baby crying.
I banged harder, harder, until finally someone was there, a key turning in the lock on the other side of the door and a face peering out from the open crack, the chain still attached. Dark lashes and full lips, a flash of gold. A brief moment of lucidity. The girl blinked then turned and said something over her shoulder. A voice, deeper than hers, and the door closing, opening again without the chain. The girl took a step backward to where Danny stood, rested her hand gently on his shoulder before taking a round-cheeked baby, its nose wet with snot, from his arms. Three pairs of eyes anchored me to the spot before the baby’s face crumpled, a shrill cry escaping from the black hole of its mouth.
I took a step back, the blood rushing in my head. Needed to sit, to lie, to not see what I’d seen. I stumbled, felt cold metal against my arm. A car. A great, dark hulk of a car. Denz’s car. Denz.
A fury took hold of me then and I lost it, lashing out. Kicking and hitting and punching. Going at that cold, hard lump of metal and glass with all my strength. Pounding and thrashing and booting until I felt hands on my arms, someone pulling me, dragging me away, a palm clamped over my mouth, and only then did I realize how loud I’d been screaming.
Danny hauled me down the street, his fingers pressing hard into my skin, a pain that was better than anything I’d felt in months. By the time he let go we’d come off the road and into a park, dimly lit but recognizable still. We used to go there together in the summer, Danny and me, in the days when I was still something close to welcome at Denz’s. The pair of us would lie out on the grass, watching early-morning dog walkers give way to mams pushing buggies, shoving elevenses into fat little hands that thrust out from beneath pram hoods. Once the sun climbed to its highest point we’d go and find a spot of shade in the woods that encircled the park, watch the runners arrive, lithe and slender, headphones clamped over ears, light rings of sweat smiling from the underarms of their designer sports vests. In the darkness I could still make out the lake at the bottom of the hill that Danny and I had swum the length of, years before. Afterward we’d sat on the bank, both of us sharing one ninety-nine, because we only had a quid between us. Danny let me have the flake to myself, told me he didn’t like them, but I knew it wasn’t true. I ate it all the same, though.
I lay on the wet grass now, flat on my back, as Danny paced up and down in front of me. I didn’t want to think anymore, just wanted to be, and so I closed my eyes, arranged my arms over my face. Danny dragged them off me, yanked at my shoulder, making me cry out, forcing me to sit. His nose was only inches from mine, his eyes furious, hard. I stared back at him, watched his face soften. He sighed, collapsed down beside me.
What were that all about, Neef?
The image of the baby in Danny’s arms played over again in my head, the girl’s hand on him. I needed a cig, a drink. Something.
You can’t do shit like that, man. Can’t just turn up, shoutin yer mouth off. You’re lucky Rina didn’t call the police—
Rina.
Yeah. Rina. That’s her house too—
So you’re livin together. My voice was dull, a monotone.
Yeah. We all live there. Denz. Rina. The baby, Nia.
Didn’t take you long, did it?
What?
I looked at him, trying to hide the hurt in my face, my voice, with a twist of disgust. A baby, Danny? A fuckin baby?
Danny frowned. What you on about, Neef? That’s me sister. Nia. Well, half sister…Rina’s her mum, so…hang on, you thought…He laughed then, a laugh of confusion and disbelief. Do the maths, man. Nia’s not far off a year old. We only moved out of me nana’s nine months ago—how would that even have worked?
I rubbed my eyes. Nine months. Had it really only been nine months?
Neef, Danny said softly. What’s happened to yer?
I stayed quiet, rocked back and forth, my arms wrapped around my knees. Danny knitted his fingers together at the back of his head, let out a long breath through his lips.
That hotel, man. That place. You need to get out of there.
And go where?
Anywhere.
Let’s go to London, Dan. You and me. Let’s go to stay with Lewis fer a bit, like we always said we would.
Danny stayed silent, staring down toward the lake. Did you read it? he asked after a while. The book?
I tried to speak, but when I opened my mouth, no words came. A noise rose out of my throat, guttural, animal-like.
Jesus, Neef.
He put an arm around my shoulder, pulled me in close to him, his face buried in my matted hair until the shaking stopped. I tilted my chin, my lips meeting his, and in that moment everything felt okay again. He kissed me back. I had started it but he did, he kissed me. My hands wandered, searching, tugging at the fabric of his clothing, sliding them below his T-shirt, feeling the warmth of him, his skin, my skin. I wanted him so much, I wanted all of him.
But then he pulled away, stopped me in my tracks. Neef, don’t, he said. Don’t.
He got to his feet, lifted me to standing. I didn’t want to go, but I let him lead me, mesmerized by the feeling of my hand in his. We made our way out of the park, back down the street toward Denz’s house. I didn’t question it, didn’t know where I would end up, only that Danny was there, and that meant it would all be all right now.
As we reached Denz’s house, Danny slowed. The lights were on inside and there was a figure in the driveway, kneeling down, inspecting the car. I remembered then what I’d done. That blind rage, that painful fury. The figure stood, his outline silhouetted against the light from the front room. Denz.
Go inside, Danny.
I waited for Danny to argue, to tell his dad no, but he barely paused. He squeezed my hand, let it go, then walked toward the house without looking back. I began to shake all over again, my whole body trembling, my breath catching in my throat. Denz was watching me but I didn’t care, let him do whatever he wanted. Nothing could hurt like Danny walking away. In the end, he just sighed. Get in the car, Neef.
I don’t know why I did as he asked. Maybe I thought it would make Danny happy. Maybe I was too worn down to do anything else.
The car was as I remembered it, but different too: the sound system a toned-down version of the one he’d had before; a baby’s chair fitted in the backseat, a pink-and-green mobile rainbowed over the top of it, and a rattle in the shape of a smiling star cast aside on the cushion. We drove in silence along the dual carriageway. The rain had started again, sheets of water flying off the sides of the glass as the wipers fought against them, swinging frenziedly backward and forward. Denz pressed his foot on the accelerator, dodging and weaving through the traffic, cutting sharply across the lanes, in such a hurry to be rid of me. Only when we slid onto the exit toward the town did he speak again.
You can’t do that again, Neef. D’you hear me?
I ignored him, wrapped a section of hair around my finger, yanked at it from its root.
Neef, I’m serious. Danny’s tryin to sort himself out. He were…well, he were a lot like you are now when he came to stay with me. And I know I’m not perfect, I’ve made mistakes too. But he’s doin good, man. He’s on a course at college, he’s got a job doin gardens. He don’t need all this…this…shit.
Danny loves me.
Denz let out a long sigh. No, Neef, he said. No. He don’t.