Out where?
He looked at me like I was stupid. Out of here, Neef. You ain’t shown up fer work in days. And look at yer. D’you think anyone’d want their rooms cleaned by you, the state you’re in?
I stared at the bags at my feet for a while then looked up at him, smiled serenely. Okay.
Ste narrowed his eyes, confused. D’you want a lift somewhere?
Yes, please. Could you take me to the park? The big one up at Roundhay?
The park?
Yeah.
Ste shrugged, started walking toward his car, and I floated behind him. As he pulled open the driver’s door he turned, looked at me strangely. D’you not want yer stuff?
Nah, I heard myself say. Nah.
We didn’t speak the whole way there, but as we pulled up to the park, Ste cleared his throat. Listen, Neef…no hard feelins, yeah? It just got a bit out of hand, the other night, and me and Gary—well, you always seem up fer a bit of fun and that, we thought you were enjoyin it…
I opened the car door, drifted away without closing it behind me. I didn’t need to hear it. Everything was about to work itself out. It was summer time and warm, the flowers not yet wilted, the colors hyper-bright. Lying down on the grass, I stared up at the clouds, pointing out the shapes to Danny. Look. A little girl with a balloon! A bear! A donkey wearin a hat! I didn’t mind that he never said anything back.
After a while I got to my feet, gliding through strangers’ gardens, under hedgerows and around cars parked in driveways. Occasionally I would hear someone holler, yell, but it didn’t matter. I was invisible, after all.
I didn’t want to bother Danny, didn’t want to bother anyone. I wasn’t trying to make a nuisance of myself, I just wanted to see him. There was a bus stop opposite Denz’s house and I sat there for a long time, waiting for someone to come out, but nobody did and so I crept over the road, pressed my face against the window into the living room. It looked different from how I remembered it. The artwork was still there, but the weights had been replaced by a baby walker, a playmat. A pair of women’s boots lay discarded on a thick rug by the sofa, toys strewn around the space.
I slid along the brickwork toward the kitchen, where there was music playing, somebody moving around. The girl, Rina. I could see her. The baby too, gurgling in her highchair, a rusk in her hand. Rina was swaying to the music, dancing, making the baby laugh. I wanted to go inside, to crawl inside Rina’s body, be her, be part of that picture. Suddenly her head swung toward the window, the music stopping abruptly as I ducked, slinking along the hedgerow to the back of the garden. Danny’s touch was everywhere—how beautiful it had begun to look. I crouched in the bushes, near a little herb garden he’d carved into the earth, feeling closer to him there than I had in months.
By evening I was in luck. The four of them were out on the decking, the baby bouncing on Denz’s knee, Rina pouring wine. I crouched out of view, watching, watching. They were too far away for me to hear what they spoke about, but every now and again one of them would laugh and it would warm me up inside, like I was part of it too. And was it my imagination or did Danny turn in my direction every now and again, glancing at the bushes with a curious look on his face, like he could sense me there?
Eventually they drifted inside and I took that as my cue to leave. I didn’t want to be a bother after all. Back at the park, I fell asleep under one of the benches near the lake, and the next morning I woke with the pockets of my trackies turned inside out.
My body rattled and shook with each day that passed, my routine always the same. Sometimes I wouldn’t see them at all. Sometimes just Rina and Denz. The best days were when it was only Danny, sitting out there on his own on the back step, his elbows on his knees, a spliff or a mug in his hand. How I loved to watch him. How I longed to crawl from my hiding place, lay my head in his lap. It took every part of me not to go to him. I needed time. Needed a plan.