Rina was out there with the pram, rocking the baby backward and forward absentmindedly, flicking through a magazine on her lap. The baby fussed, resisting sleep, but eventually she quietened and I could see Rina relax. There was a noise then, piercing and loud, cutting through the air. A phone ringing inside, threatening the serenity, and Rina jumped to her feet, disappearing through the screen door to silence it.
She mustn’t have realized that she hadn’t put the brake on, or maybe she knocked it off by accident when she stood. She didn’t see the pram rolling slowly down toward the bottom of the garden. Couldn’t have heard the baby wake again and let out a little whimper. The pram was picking up speed—it would have tipped over, had I not caught it. I was only trying to help, I only wanted to make sure she didn’t get hurt. I didn’t mean to pick up the baby, I hadn’t been thinking. I only did it because I heard her cry, I only wanted to comfort her. I was just going to show her Danny’s herbs, that’s all. I was going to crouch down and show her, let her smell them. But when I looked at her little rosebud mouth, the clear, dark depth of her eyes staring up at me, I didn’t know how to put her down again. I only wanted to show her the flowers in the park, how beautiful they were, how Danny and I had always loved to look at those things. I wasn’t hiding, when I took her into the woods. I only wanted to show her the trees. I didn’t hear anyone screaming, anyone looking, the sirens filling the air. I didn’t. I would have taken her right back if I’d thought anyone was upset. I only wanted to show her. I only wanted to hold her. I only wanted to be held.
It was dark by the time Danny appeared in the clearing of the woods. I wasn’t surprised to see him, gazed up at him with a smile like I’d been expecting him the whole time. He crept toward me slowly, quietly, like someone might approach a wild animal. Can I have her, Neef? he whispered.
I frowned at him. No! Shh! Don’t disturb her, I whispered back. I’ve only just got her settled.
Danny sat down beside me, his breathing heavy, his face damp with sweat.
I need to take her, Neef.
The baby was sucking on my knuckle, her eyes heavy with sleep. Softly I began to sing to her, a melody from long ago, scratched CDs in Barry’s front room.
Remember when we were kids, Dan?
Yeah, he said gently. Yeah, I remember.
It were good, weren’t it? Bein a kid. I never used to think it were, back then. But it were better than I thought.
Yeah, Neef. It were better.
Chrissy said I were a good baby, I murmured. Like this. Said I hardly ever cried. Said people used to moan and whinge about the baby stage, but it were never bad, fer her. It only gets hard when they get an opinion, she used to say.
Danny nodded, the fear in his face softening. You heard from her? Chrissy?
No. I thought fer a long time…I really thought she’d be with Denz. But…
Yeah. Well. He’s got Rina now.
The baby let out a little sigh as I lifted my knuckle from her mouth. I thought mebbe she’d write to me, y’know. She used to write me notes. Poems and that. She were a good writer.
Like you, Danny said.
I shook my head. Not anymore. I’m no good at anythin anymore, Dan. I’ve messed it up, ruined it all.
My arms began to tremble and Nia’s eyes snapped open, her bottom lip curling.
Neef, that int true. I know you, know what you can do. Danny reached across, laid a palm on my knee, gentle, tentative.
I looked at him. You still think that?
Danny nodded, inching closer to me. Remember what you wrote, Neef? Remember the poem, in the book?
The clouds in my head parted just a crack. It were about us, I whispered.
I know, he said softly. I know. I understood it. I understood every word. He touched my cheek with the tips of his fingers. And it were right, what you said. That when other people see us, they only see the bits above the ground. They can’t see the rest, the roots, the stuff that’s made us who we are. And some people, their roots are strong. They’ve had someone lookin after em all this time, givin em food and water and sunlight and that. But others, they’ve had it all messed up. The soil underneath them is loose and full of old shit that people’ve ground down on top of em. They ain’t had anyone takin care of em, makin sure they grow and flourish. And then sometimes it’s too late, sometimes you can’t fix that. But sometimes you can.
The rims of Danny’s eyes were red, locked with mine. I loosened my grip on Nia, stroked the little curls next to her ear.
I know you, Neef. You can get better. I can help yer.
Denz wants to keep you away from me.
He smiled, rested a hand on mine. I’ll always be able to find you.
I let him take Nia then. Let him take me too, lift me by the crook of the elbow, help me out of the woods. I hardly had any strength left, my legs buckling as I walked, Danny half carrying me out of there. Only then did I see the lights. The police cars. The ambulance. All of them waiting to take me away.