Denz took a seat across from me in the sterile little lounge that they’d tried to dress up with unbreakable vases and flowers made from shiny plastic. I couldn’t look at him, wishing he wasn’t there, wishing I knew how to explain.
They been takin care of you? he said after a while. I nodded, pinched hard on the inside of my forearm, twisting the skin between my finger and my thumb. You feelin any better? he tried again.
Yeah, I said quietly. Yeah.
He let out a breath, long and low and hard. I wondered if he hated being there too. Wondered why he had come at all.
It int easy. Seein you like this. Int easy for me, so…so I don’t know what it would do to Danny.
At the mention of his name I had the urge to scream, squeezed my eyes shut, concentrated on the colors behind my lids.
But still. I think it’s right. I think it’s the right place for you to be, for now. You need…support. You know that, don’t you?
I said nothing, hugged my knees to my chest, my eyes still shut.
You won’t be here forever. You’ll get better. Soon, I bet. You’ll be able to start again, but…that’s why I’m here, see, Neef. There’s summat I need to say.
I opened my eyes then, looked at Denz properly for the first time. His face was pained and he was leaning forward with his elbows on his knees, his body taking a shape that reminded me so much of his son.
I don’t know how much you know about me and Kim. Danny’s mum.
Nowt, I said quietly. Only that you took her to a party one Christmas and she died.
A nerve in Denz’s jaw twitched. Yeah. Well. I should’ve known, the day I met her, that it wouldn’t be easy. Should’ve read the signs. But love’s blind, innit? Or it’s meant to be.
He looked at me expectantly but I had nothing to say, and so he turned to the window, began to speak almost as though I weren’t there. He told me how he used to meet Kim off the school bus every morning, how they used to chat about anything and everything. Denz’s family back in Jamaica, the auntie that he was living with in Leeds. Kim told him things too, about her life, her family. Her mum. How it was just the two of them, how close they were since her dad had left when she was too little to remember.
One morning when I got off the school bus, she were nowhere to be seen, Denz said, his tone changing. At lunchtime I waited for her where I always did but she never showed up, and so I went lookin for her at the end of school. Soon as I see her, her eyes light up. But then it’s like she remembers summat bad, carries on walkin.
I follow her, ask her where she’s been and she goes: here. At school. And that hurt me, see. So I stopped and she slows down, looks at me like she’s embarrassed. Says she’s sorry. Says her mum, Mary, had seen me, the day before, when I walked her home. So what? I say. Kim looked like she wanted the ground to swallow her, kept glancin over her shoulder for a reason to get away. And then she comes out with it. That’s just what me mum said. That she didn’t like it. The look of you.
I knew straight away what she meant by that, so I turned around, walked away from her. After that I told meself to let it go. However much I liked Kim, I weren’t gonna let Mary or anyone shame me, look down on me just for bein the person I was.
Denz looked up at me then. But it int always that easy, is it? There was already summat between us—that pull. And it won out in t’end.
Kim came to find Denz a few days later, told him she was sorry and that she loved her mum but she could be daft sometimes, she was old-fashioned, Kim was all she had. Mary was just over-protective, that’s all. Denz wanted to tell Kim where to go but the way he felt for her overruled everything. And so they carried on, in secret at first, sneaking off up to the woods, down to the river. Even to Kim’s house, when Mary was out at work.
The thing with Kim was, she were special. Real special, Denz said. It were like she put a spell on me, I swear. When she got excited about summat, her whole body came alive. She were so clever, I’ve never known anyone be able to store so much information in their head. Until Danny came along, that is.
He let out a sigh and for a moment I thought that was all he was prepared to say. But then he spoke again.
See, he said, she might’ve been clever. But she were wild too. And I know you won’t believe this, Neef, but I weren’t like that. I were a good kid, me auntie were strict. She promised me mum she’d take care of me and she tried, she did her best. Chose that school for the pure reason that it were out of the city, she thought it would keep me away from trouble. She were a god-fearin woman, and her standards, her expectations, were high; good grades, hard work, no distractions. She drummed it into me time and time again that nowt in my life would come easy.
Kim, though. She were the opposite, never needed to prove her place in the world. She knew the streets she danced down belonged to her. And I loved that freedom about her. But it terrified me too. When she started knockin about down the park with her mates, gettin so drunk she could barely stand, it would be me who would carry her home, me who made sure she reached her front door safely, despite the fact that whenever Mary would see me, she would treat me like a piece of shit. Her eyes could only see in black and white and that meant I were the bad guy, and what could I do but take it? If I’d answered back, I’d only have been provin her right.
I only brought Kim home to me family once, for lunch. She barely touched a mouthful, pushed the food round her plate for the whole time she were there, and you ain’t never tasted a cookin like me auntie’s. I should have been embarrassed of her, but instead, it were me that felt ashamed that day. Of the mad colors me auntie wore, the way she spoke, the mad beats she played on the record player. That day, I’d wished I were someone else. But when Kim said to me, later, when she looked at me with that grin of hers and said, I didn’t realize your lot were so foreign, I understood what me auntie meant, about mebbe bein better off with someone more like me.
We broke up not long after Kim’s sixteenth birthday, before I knew she were pregnant, Denz said, leaning back in his chair. I’d had enough. We were too different. She were a party girl, I weren’t like that. Couldn’t have been even if I’d wanted; me auntie would have thrown me out on t’streets if I’d started comin home in the states Kim did. And besides, I wanted to go to uni, needed to keep on top of me grades, and that were hard enough as it were, because no matter how hard I tried, how many hours I poured into study, I still could barely keep me head above water, impress the teachers or that school.
Denz looked straight at me then and I saw the worry etched on his face. I don’t want you to think I’m slating her, mind, he said. It int like that. I’m just sayin, Kim had choices. But it weren’t the same for me, we weren’t the same.
He turned to the window again, gazing out at the perfect lawn, its edges encircled by a wall topped with wire.
Kim cried when we broke up, he said. But I knew it were the right thing to do. I knew we couldn’t be together, that we’d end up ruinin each other’s lives. And I know you’ll judge me for sayin this and I don’t blame you, Neef. But sometimes I think to meself, mebbe it were a good thing that she died. Because if she hadn’t, if we’d stayed in each other’s lives, who knows what would have happened to us all?
Denz’s mouth set in a way that told me he was finished and I looked at him, confused. But that’s not it, I said. That’s not the end of the story.
What d’you mean?
Well, what about Danny? What about when Kim died?
That’s not the point, he said vehemently. That’s not what I came here to tell you.
But—
Denz cut me off, his eyes shining. See, Neef, he said, leaning forward. We aren’t all that different, you and me. I know what it’s like, for your head to get all messed up. But the only thing I care about—really care about—is that Danny gets to live the life he deserves. And he’ll never do that if you’re in it.
Danny can make me better.
No, Neef.
The nurse behind me cleared her throat at the volume of Denz’s voice and I saw him glance at her, take a breath. No, he said again, quieter this time. I been thinkin about this for a while now. I been wantin to get Danny away from you, from that town and everythin in it for as long as I could remember. When he came to stay with me, I said to Rina that it were time to move on, to give Danny a fresh start. But she wouldn’t hear of it, didn’t want to leave her life behind. And so I put it to one side for a while, because I could see you and Danny were leavin each other alone. But then you showed up again. Pulled that shit with Nia. And that were enough to persuade Rina I were right. What I’m tryin to say, Neef, is that I can’t let you see Danny again. I won’t let you drag him down.
I put my hands over my ears, not wanting to hear any more, but Denz leaned in closer, carried on.
Don’t try to get in touch, we won’t be where we used to be anymore. After today, you won’t see any of us again. I hope you get better, Neef. But you’ll have to do it on your own.