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ELIZABETH
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THE FOLLOWING AFTERNOON Brian and I drove Jacob and Zana to Rowena and Ahmed’s. Ahmed would later take Lottie and the kids to Red Cliffs. Jacob and Zana were going to Henry’s for a sleepover and Lottie would spend the evening with Astrid and Jack.
“We didn’t have time to talk,” Lottie said as we sat in Rowena and Ahmed’s sitting room. Save for the baby Aydan sleeping in his stroller beside me, we were alone; Rowena was in the kitchen making tea, Brian was helping Ahmed with something and Jack and Zana were outside. “How are you?”
“I’m fine.” I smiled. “Better than fine.”
“How serious is it between you and—” she made a motion toward Brian. “Our Mr. Nouri?”
I rested my eyes on Brian. “Serious enough.” For me.
“I knew you two would fall in love.”
Well, so far, one of us was in love for sure. What Brian felt was uncertain. “He is a great man,” I said. “I’m happy, Lottie.”
“But?”
I shrugged. “I want all of him, and I’m not sure if I can get it.”
“You overthink things, Elizabeth; I told you that already. Life shouldn’t be contemplated; it should be lived. I realized it when I decided to let myself fall in love with Ned. We’re so worried about the future, but we forget that the future often depends on what we do and how we behave here and now. Embrace your present with joy and you’ll make a path to your future.”
“It’s not that simple,” I said.
Lottie patted my hand. “You’re wrong, my dear. It is that simple.”
I didn’t have time to reply. Rowena came out of the kitchen carrying a tray with the tea and biscuits in her hands.
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I WAS PONDERING LOTTIE’S words on our way home, later that evening. “Do you think we can shape the future with our present actions?” I asked Brian.
If he was surprised by my question, he didn’t show it. “Every action, no matter how small, triggers a chain of reactions, but I don’t think we can control it simply because the possibilities are endless. But if you’re talking about the possible impact of positive thinking and acting on the future, I have to admit I didn’t form a definite opinion of that concept.”
I gave him a sharp look. “Did you listen to my conversation with Lottie?”
“I didn’t, Elizabeth. If we truly believe we can have something, then we may perhaps create a positive, I don’t know, some kind of force, or energy field, to help us to achieve it. It sounds simple, but it’s easier to say it than to do it, which doesn’t mean we should stop doing it. I heard it’s called these days the Law of ... something.”
“Of Attraction.”
“Right. It sounds New Age, but it’s a notion as old as humankind. As old as the opposite philosophy that says we can’t have what we want if we want it with a desperate need. We have to give up in order to receive it. The power behind these exclusive concepts might be the same and way less esoteric: when we really want something, we’ll try harder to have it. Maybe that’s how we create the confidence we need. If we don’t reach our goal, well, it’s because life is often a bitch. Or because there are some higher reasons we can’t comprehend. Who knows.”
“I believe in empirical evidence, as you know, so I’ve been conducting a little test for a while,” I said, joking. “I have a red Ferrari on my computer desktop, and every time I turn it on, I send a clear, positive mental message to the Universe: I want a red Ferrari. We’ll see what’s going to happen. Now let me ask you something else. Yesterday I mentioned that unexplained sickness when I was three. The terrible pain I had, remember? I think it prompted some silent communication between Astrid, Ariel and Morgaine. Any idea why?”
“I noticed it, too, but I have no idea why.”
“Can they communicate telepathically?”
“No, not in their human form. It’s more that they sense each other. Besides, Astrid’s pregnant so she can’t use her powers. It’s a lot of energy and it’s not clear if it’s safe for the baby, so it’s switched off.”
“Werewolf women are vulnerable during pregnancy?”
“They shouldn’t be changing shape after the first trimester. Human women of werewolf partners, on the other hand, often spontaneously go through their first change in early pregnancy.”
I turned to him. “What? But this means they don’t have a choice. They must become your kind.”
“No, no, no. Don’t panic. There are other ways, but nature made it easier for them. A pregnant human woman can turn only if she has already decided to become one of us. Her subconscious knows, and often her consciousness as well. And a werewolf child inside her makes it possible and perfectly safe.”
“So, Astrid’s been stripped of all her powers, your women shouldn’t be transforming but if—” I almost said, if I got pregnant but bit my tongue just in time. “But if a human woman got pregnant, she could change just like that?”
“In some ways, humans are superior to us,” he said and, instead of making a turn toward the Copper Ridge center, he turned left, in the direction of the Tree Tunnel.
“The night is clear,” he said. “I want you to see the starry sky through the branches. It looks like someone hung little diamonds on the trees. You can see it only in the fall and winter when the trees are bare.”
“Oh, I’d love to see it.”
“The best way to view it is if you’re lying on your back,” he added with a cocky grin. Keeping his eyes on the road, he lifted his right hand from the steering wheel and stroked my cheek. “And it means I’m on the top this time.”
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“TOMORROW MORNING I’M back to my eight-to-four routine,” I said as we continued driving home after one breathtaking hour of stargazing and lovemaking.
Since the morning I had stumbled upon Brian in the woods, I had done almost nothing. There were still dozens of pieces of accessories and decorative art to be sorted and assessed, and we still hadn’t checked every place in the house.
I expected Brian to protest, but he just smiled and said, “As you wish. Harriet and Jason are leaving for Ireland in a few days. Lily and Azem rented a house and they’re moving in together. Once we’re alone, you’ll work, and I’ll cook. We can share the rest of the household chores.”
“You know how to cook?”
“Not really, but I’m willing to try. You’ll tell me what you want to eat, and I’ll find the recipes and instructions on the internet. It can’t be that difficult. Besides, my son is a chef, he’ll help me.” Keeping his eyes on the road, he leaned forward and kissed me. “By the way, did I ever tell you how much I like your healthy appetite?”
“I love food,” I said. “I’m blessed with a fast metabolism; I don’t need to count every calorie. Although, I think I’ve put a bit of weight on since I came here. My jeans seem tighter.”
He reached for my hand and planted a kiss on my palm. “Nah. It’s just that your ass has changed category, from very fine to mighty fine.”
He released my hand and I settled it on his neck, combing my fingers through the hair curling against its nape. “Are we talking dirty again?”
“I’m only complementing your posterior. Your fingers on my neck, however, have a profound impact on my reproductive organ. Move your little hand down and check for yourself, if you like. Maybe we should turn and drive back to the Tunnel. I can’t go home with a boner, can I?”
Who’d say that such dry words as posterior and reproductive organ could be a turn on? I glanced at the bulging proof of his arousal but kept my hand on his neck. “Brian,” I said, changing the subject, “do you know how long Harriet and Jason will stay in Ireland?”
“A few weeks, maybe more, if I’m able to convince them. Why?”
“I’d prefer if they were here when I go to Rosenthal.”
He cracked a smile. “Miss Chatwin, are you concerned about leaving me home alone?”
Ridiculous as it sounded, I was. Brian’s overall condition had improved immensely since I’d seen him for the first time, but he still hadn’t fully recovered. The not-so-distant episode of excruciating pain was clear evidence. “I only wish there was someone to stay with you.”
“And I only wish you could stay with me. As for the rest of my household, I like having them around, and they’re certainly welcome to stay as long as they want, but only as my friends. I’m done with domestic helpers and caretakers. I don’t need that kind of help anymore. If you’re not here, I prefer to be alone.” He smiled, but there was a hint of frustration in his voice when he said, “I’m able to take care of myself, don’t worry, Elizabeth.”
“I didn’t mean to offend you,” I said.
“You didn’t, honey,” he said softly. “I know you care. See, while I lived in my wolf form, I was self-sufficient. Not from the beginning, of course. But as soon as I recovered from my injuries, I started hunting. I provided for myself and for others, even though it was only meat. Only when I started turning back to human did I accept help.”
“It must have been hard for you.”
“It wasn’t easy, but it was a lesson in humbleness. My entire life I was the one who helped others. I never thought of those on the receiving end. It’s easier to give than to receive. It’s hard to be in need and depend on others, but I guess it makes you stronger when you realize that you’re not so strong and when you recognize your limits. It’s probably doesn’t make much sense, does it?”
“It makes perfect sense. It takes a hell of a lot of courage to turn a weakness into a strength, but I’m sure courage isn’t something you’ve ever lacked.”
“Makes me happy to know you think so, Elizabeth. It’s easy to be brave in a battle. Peaceful times are often the real deal.”
My brave, honorable Brian.
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ZANA AND NABILA WERE still awake when we returned, getting ready for tomorrow’s departure.
“Mom, why can’t I stay one more week?” Zana asked, throwing meaningful glances in Brian’s and direction and mine. “Khalid and Elizabeth wouldn't mind.”
“No, honey,” her mother said. “You already missed a week of school. And you should stop calling Brian ‘Khalid.’”
“It’s okay, Nabila,” Brian said. “Zana has known me as Khalid all her life. It’s not easy to switch to Brian.” He stood up. “Will you excuse me, ladies. I need to stretch my legs.”
Zana jumped to her feet. “May I come with you? I want to say goodbye to Blizzard and Breeze,” she said, tears pooling in her eyes. “I’ll miss everyone here.”
“They’ll miss you too, but you’ll come soon again. By then we’ll have a few more horses. Let’s go, honey.”
“I hate farewells of any kind,” Nabila said, following Brian and Zana with her eyes. “To the point that I don’t want to go anywhere so that I don’t need to say goodbye when it’s time to leave.” She sighed. “I still haven’t told Zana; I don’t want to work her up. We’re moving to Copper Ridge. I told Brian last night.”
I hugged her, surprising myself more than Nabila with my spontaneous gesture. “Oh, I’m so happy to hear this. Zana will be happy here. And you too, I’m sure.”
“Zana loves it here, as you can see, although she’ll miss Grandpa and Grandma. She’s close to them. But then Azem is here. She misses him when she’s in Winston.” Nabila ran her hand through her long hair. “It’s more about me, Elizabeth. I need a change. I’m tired of being unhappy. I love my daughter more than life, but sometimes I feel disconnected even from her.”
“The connection’s here, you’ll find it again.”
“I know I will,” she said and changed the topic. “What about you? Have you decided to stay among us? Become one of us?”
I shrugged. “I’m a part of this realm, whether I stay here or not. I don’t know, to be honest. It depends on how my relationship with Brian unfolds. It might be that we need and expect different things from each other.”
“He needs time.”
“I know.” But how much? Can I wait that long? “As for becoming one of you, this is so huge I don’t even dare to think about it. I need time to decide.”
“A typical human answer: ‘I have to think about it.’ It’s surprising how many times we get it from your kind,” Nabila said bitterly. “What is there to think about so much? We’re not offering them some kind of miserable, freaky existence, but a chance to become immortal. They should grab it with both hands, but they can’t easily decide to part with aging, illness and death.” She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. “I’m so sorry, Elizabeth. I was out of line.”
“It’s okay,” I said, trying to reassure her with a smile that I hadn’t taken offense. I guessed the true reason behind her heated reaction: her late husband.
“My husband said that he wanted to experience his human forties and fifties,” Nabila said quietly, confirming my assumptions. “May god forgive me, but I’m still mad at him for what he did to me and his daughter. ‘These are my best years. Let me live them fully’, he said. I didn’t want to push him. I hoped one day he’d decide. I was impatient, of course, but I believed we had plenty of time.”
“How old was he?”
“Thirty-eight.” She smiled. “He teased me that he wanted to catch up with my age.”
“Is there an age limit to become a werewolf?”
“The optimal age is between thirty and fifty. After that, it’s a bit risky, or it might not work, or the aging can’t be easily reversed.”
“Reversed? What does it mean? I’m sorry, I still don’t know almost anything about you.”
She snorted. “I imagine everyone’s telling you what they think is the most important to know. It must be confusing. Maybe Brian should assign someone to introduce you to gwerin y blaidd. You need something like a crash course.”
“Werewolves for Dummies,” I said, laughing. “That would do. Now tell me about reversing aging.”
“They gradually become younger, until they reach the prime age—early thirties to late forties. This is the reason why sometimes werewolves of human origin look older than us.”
“And if they turn when they are young?”
“Transformation never happens before a human reaches full maturity. Not before mid-twenties in any case. How old are you? Twenty-five, twenty-six?”
“Thirty.”
“You’ll be thirty for a very long time.”
My mind still struggled with this concept. “How long does it take to reverse aging?” I asked.
“It varies from person to person. Sometimes years, sometimes decades. It’s irrelevant; once you’re a werewolf, your perception of time changes. You’re not in a hurry anymore, so to say.” She looked at me. “Now Brian and you are in some sort of time gap. Once you change, you’ll be in sync.”
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SOME HOURS LATER AS I lay awake beside Brian, listening to his deep breathing, I contemplated Nabila’s remarks about time. Time was what we were asking each other for. Brian needed it to find his firm ground in the world he had been so long absent from, and I needed it to decide if I was going to become a blaidd benywaidd and exchange my world for his.
Time and patience. Did I have them for him? Did he have them for me?
As if he could feel my thought even in his dreams, Brian stirred and, wrapping his arm around my waist, cradled me against him.
I didn’t know the answer, not yet. I only knew I wanted neither the length of a human existence nor werewolf infinity without this man sleeping peacefully beside me.