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ELIZABETH
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I SAT ON THE CORNER of the sofa in the parlor, legs tucked close to my chest, arms wrapped around my knees, fighting the fear that was squeezing my heart with its cold, iron fist. Luna was lying beside my feet.
May they be safe. Jacob and Molly. Brian and Jack. James. Ahmed and Adam, I repeated my silent mantra over and over again.
When my mind couldn’t cope with panic and fear, my thoughts would stray for a while in the other direction. Brian had said his shifting was under control now. When had that happened? Why hadn’t he told me? And what if he was wrong and started turning outside the safety of our territory?
Another wave of horror closed over me. What if something happens to Brian. Or James? Or Ahmed?
Nothing would happen. Everything would be alright.
Eve returned from the kitchen, a cup of ginger tea in her hands. She passed it to me and took a seat in the armchair.
The only sound in the room was the soft ticking of the Comtoise clock.
May they be safe. Jacob and Molly. Brian and Jack. James and Ahmed. Christian and Adam.
I knew the werewolves were not in particular risk, but they were interfering with human affairs, and that was always potentially dangerous.
The last remains of daylight retreated under the advanced dusk, filling the parlor with heavy shadows, but neither of us moved to turn the light on. Every once in a while, Eve would ask me if I wanted anything or offer to make me another tea or a sandwich. I would decline and then we would both sink into uneasy silence interrupted only by small, polite talk when it became too heavy.
Part of me wanted her to leave, another one wanted her to stay. I couldn’t bear to be alone with my fears.
Ironically, we needed each other.
It was ten minutes to seven a.m. when, almost simultaneously, our phones rang. My hand was visibly shaking as I answered it.
“Here’s someone who wants to talk to you,” Brian said in a cheerful voice.
“Betty! Some bad men took me and Mommy!” Jacob shouted, rapid-fire. “And they shot Mom in the arm, but she’s okay. And then Brian came, and my Dad, and Jack, and Dr. Ahmed, and James and Christian and Adam. He’s a sheriff, like my Dad, you know. They found us and saved us and Dad arrested them, those bad guys. It was awesome! Hey, are you crying?”
I was, from the immense relief of hearing his sweet voice. “I’m okay, honey,” I said, laughing through tears. “It must’ve been quite an adventure. You’re not injured, are you?”
“No,” he said, and then, lowering his voice, he whispered, “Betty, there were big wolves there. One ripped the roof off the car and pulled me and Mommy out. She doesn’t remember it because she passed out. And then,” now he was barely audible, “the car went over the cliff and exploded, but before that, another wolf pulled the bandits out. There was lots of fire and smoke, but nobody died. Dad said they are going to jail for a very long time.”
I smiled. They hadn’t fixed Jacob’s memory yet. There was no rush. Who would believe him even if he told his story anyway?
“They must be some good wolves then.”
“They were awesome! And huge. And one kidnapper dropped like he was dead when he saw Christian.”
Oh God. “Good. Where is your mommy, love?”
“In the hospital. Ned fixed her arm. Are you coming to see me, Betty?”
It would be a slight change of plans, I thought, but what the heck. “I will. Soon,” I said, aware that Brian was probably listening to our conversation. “Love you, my brave young man. Have a good sleep tonight, okay?”
“Okay. See you soon.”
“You bet.”
Brian took the receiver. “We’re waiting until he has a good rest to help him remember only what is safe for him to know. He saw way too much.”
“Too bad he can’t keep those memories. They might be among the best of his childhood,” I said. “You found them quickly.”
Christian and James, both top trackers, hadn’t had much trouble picking up Jacob, Molly and the kidnappers’ scents, Brian said, even though the kidnappers kept changing cars. “They were heading south, toward the border.”
“Who was behind it? Jacob’s mother?”
“And his stepfather. Jacob was to be taken to South America to them.”
“What if they try again?”
He chuckled. “They won’t. His Grace will have a chat with them.”
“Oh! He’s not going to—”
“Not to fear; he isn’t going to kill them. Listen, Elizabeth, I have to go to Seattle. I have to finish something there. I won’t stay long. A day, maybe two. Are you going to be okay on your own?”
“Sure,” I said and breathed a silent sigh of relief. Without knowing it, Brian had made my plans easier.
“I’ll phone you soon. Now go to bed and have a good sleep. How are you feeling, by the way?”
“Much better.” It was a flat-out lie. “Brian, is Molly okay?”
“She’s fine. The bullet just scratched her skin. They’ll let her go home tomorrow.”
“Good. All of you okay?”
“All of us are okay. No worries. All right then, sweeting. Talk to you soon.”
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THE ATMOSPHERE IN THE parlor loosened up.
“Are you ready to eat now?” Eve asked in a voice that wouldn’t take no for an answer. “You look like you’re going to pass out any moment.”
I wasn’t hungry, but my stomach had settled, so I nodded. I wanted Eve out of the house so that I could proceed with my plan, but I had to be careful not to make it look too obvious.
We went to the kitchen. Eve fixed us breakfast: toast with butter and jam for me and an omelet for herself. I brewed a pot of black tea.
“Elizabeth,” she said when we finished eating, “I know you heard a part of my conversation with Brian. The only part you shouldn’t have heard.”
“I didn’t eavesdrop. The door was open.”
“How much did you hear?”
“I heard something that sounded like a confession of love, but I don’t know the context, so I don’t want to jump to a conclusion. I don’t have a problem with Brian’s emotions for you. What you feel for him puzzles me.”
“How come?” Eve asked.
“You act as if you still have a claim on him as his wife, that’s why.”
“I love my husband.”
“Which one? Currently, you have two.”
Eve’s cheeks turned angry red in an instant. “You have no right to question my love for James!”
“Under different circumstances, it shouldn’t be my concern at all. Unfortunately, it is.”
Eve stood up, braced her palms on the table and leaned forward, looking straight into my eyes. “Brian and I didn’t talk only about us. We talked about you, as well,” she said in a low, calm voice that didn’t match her still red face. “I told him what I think: you’re pushing him into something he might not be ready for.”
“So, you decided to protect him by refusing to give him a divorce?”
She walked to the kitchen sink and poured herself a glass of water. “Why are you in such a hurry?” she asked, her voice a notch calmer. “You’re young; you have plenty of time to be a mother. Why can’t you give him a few more years? He needs time to adjust to human life again.”
“I’m going to give him time,” I said. “I love him too much to force him into something he doesn’t want. As for my impatience, yes, I’m eager to have a child. And I’ll tell you why. Women in my family have had a difficult time getting pregnant, if they were able to get pregnant at all, that is. It took my mother twenty-six years to conceive. She was forty-nine when she had me. My grandparents had my mother in their early forties. Two of my great-aunts died childless. What if I have to fight that hard to have a child?”
“Have you tried to get pregnant?”
“No, but I know it won’t be easy. Not with my family history. But my maternal instincts are too strong. I’m panicking because even if everything’s fine with me, my biological clock is ticking. I’m thirty. Nonetheless, I will not push Brian into anything he doesn’t want.”
Eve Mohegan might have a problem with me as the next woman in her ex-husband’s life, but she didn’t have a problem with understanding me as a woman.
She sat back in her chair. “It doesn’t mean you’re going to have the same trouble as your mother,” she said softly. “Talk to Astrid. Or Gerd. I’m sure if you stay here, whatever health issues you have, they’ll disappear. If you have them in the first place, that is.”
Slight nausea reminded me that the magical Copper Ridge air hadn’t fixed my migraines yet. “That’s what Dr. Falkenstein says too.”
“There you are. Does Brian know about it?” Eve asked.
I tried to push down an urge to run to the bathroom and puke. “We didn’t talk about it.”
“You okay? You look pale again. More tea?”
I nodded. “Please.”
The tension in the room finally eased up, but I wished Eve would leave. I had to get myself out of there before I had half of Copper Ridge and Red Cliffs’ werewolves after me.
“When is your husband coming back?” I asked.
She looked at me and winked. “Which one?”
We both burst into laughter. “The one I do not want for myself,” I said.
“He’s on his way home. And I should go, too. Do you want me to take you to Astrid and Jack’s? Or come with me. You shouldn’t be alone here.”
Uh-uh. “Nay,” I said with faked nonchalance. “I’m tired.” Which was true. I felt exhausted and sleepy when I needed to be sharp and alert. “I think I’m going to bed.” Which was a lie.
“All right then. I left my handbag in the library. I’m going to fetch it and off I go.”
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“I’M GLAD WE TALKED,” I said when Eve returned. I meant it. Frank talk could have cleansing power. Not only did I now understand her better, A snowstorm was the last I’d also started liking her. And I knew she felt the same.
“Likewise,” she said and paused. “I left an envelope for Brian on the desk in the library. That’s why I came last night but we didn’t have a chance to finish that conversation.”
So, she had signed the divorce papers.
She nodded, as if she had read my thoughts. “Call me if you need anything,” she added. “Or Astrid. Or just come, but don’t wait too long. It’s going to snow later today.”
Oh no. A snowstorm was the last thing I needed today. I had to hurry. “Thank you, Eve. I’ll let you know.”
I closed the door behind her and rushed to the bathroom. I emptied my stomach of the little food and tea then splashed my face and brushed my teeth.
It didn’t help much. I looked in the mirror. I was pale, with visible dark circles under my eyes. For once my hair was straight and flat, and for the first time in my life, I missed my lush curls.
It was a stomach migraine attack. I’d experienced it many times before: nausea, vomiting, a metallic taste in my mouth, sensitivity to smells, tiredness, mood swings. They usually lasted a day or two, then my stomach would ease up. The sharp, pulsing pain would settle somewhere behind my left eye and stay there for another day or two.
I had my meds somewhere but the mere thought of pushing anything chemical down my throat made me want to puke. I doubted I’d be able to keep them down even if I forced myself to swallow them.
Lightheaded, detached, as if someone else had taken over my thoughts and movements while I just watched, expecting something to happen at any moment, something that would prevent me from leaving, I sat down to write a message to Brian.
Or maybe it wouldn’t be necessary. Something would prevent me from leaving anyway, wouldn’t it?
Snow would start falling.
Brian would change his mind about going to Seattle and show up at home instead.
Eve would send James to bring me to Red Cliffs.
Lottie would call and talk me out of my stupid plan.
I could live with whatever love I could get from Brian, as long as I didn’t have to live without him.
I was ready to be a wife and a mother. His wife, and the mother to his children. If he wasn’t ready, he’d do it for me, I knew that.
I didn’t want that. I deserved more. Brian too.
I buried my head in my hands and cried, long and hard. When there was not a single tear to shed anymore, I picked up the pen and started writing.
My love,
I decided to leave Copper Ridge and you for a while. Don’t be angry; try to understand instead.
I’ve always been open about my feelings for you. I love you with all the love I’m capable of. To love more would be impossible. But you know that already.
There is something that I didn’t tell you, though.
The first time our hands touched, on my very first day here, and every time since then when we came into physical contact, I felt the warm tide of something incredibly beautiful rushing through me. I’d never felt anything like that before. It made me feel whole, complete, a part of you. It seemed like a higher, divine connection between you and me.
Only you didn’t feel it.
Later, Lily mentioned the werewolves’ bond, but she said she’d never heard about one-way bonding.
At first, I was disappointed, but soon realized I didn’t need the bond to love you with all my heart. And I know you love me, too. Yet, our ‘I love yous’ do not bear the same weight. I love you more, Brian. I want the whole you, I want the same from you that I give to you.
I’m not sure if you can give it to me now. Maybe I came into your life a bit too early. I was ready for you, but were you ready for me? I don’t know. I’m not sure if you know either.
Please don’t feel guilty because you went to Seattle instead of rushing here. I wouldn’t have changed my mind; it would have only made my decision more difficult. I’ll be back—I’m leaving all my pretty dresses and all my fancy shoes behind, as well as my phone and all my electronics. I need a few weeks to be alone and to think about my future with you, or without you; as a human or as a blaidd benywaidd.
You need time too, to sort out your feelings. My constant presence and our fabulous sex life may mask what we truly expect of each other, and in your case, what you truly feel for me.
I’m taking Luna with me, another assurance that I will return. I’m going to Rosenthal first, to see Jacob. After that? I haven’t decided yet. I’ll find a quiet place where I can be alone.
I’ll phone you in two weeks or so, and we will take it from there. I’m so sorry for hurting you. I’m hurting myself even more.
Please do not worry. I’m a big girl; I’ll be okay.
I love you, Brian. Always have and always will.
Elizabeth.
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WITH THE MOST DIFFICULT part behind me, I booked my plane ticket for the afternoon flight from Denver to Portland. From there, I would take a bus to Rosenthal, then continue to Boston the following day. Luckily the airport store provided animal travel containers, so I reserved one for Luna. I packed a small suitcase with clothes and necessary accessories, telling myself all along—this was only temporary. I would be back. My laptop would stay here, with all my files; my phone, my tablet, my nail polishes and round hairbrushes, most of my wardrobe and footwear, my jewelry.
My heart and soul.
I ran to the stable to feed the horses and adjust the thermometer, in case of a sudden drop in temperature. “I’ll be back in a few weeks,” I told Blizzard, stroking his proud, beautiful head. “Lani will come to feed you until Brian returns.”
“I’ll be back in a few weeks,” I kept repeating as I glanced at the tinselhouse one more time, burning into my memory the place of my greatest happiness.
I took Brian’s Lexus and drove to Lani’s place. She was expecting me, upset and worried. I’d phoned her earlier and asked her to drive me to Denver’s airport. If the local police saw me driving Brian’s car toward the Copper Ridge territory border, they would raise an alert. They wouldn’t pay attention to Lani’s car.
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“ARE YOU SURE YOU KNOW what you’re doing?” Lani asked when I showed up on her doorstep. “Why don’t you sleep on it and see how you are going to feel about this tomorrow?”
“I’m going to Rosenthal to see Jacob and I’ll meet Brian there. That’s all that I told you if he asks. Are you going to help me or not?” I snapped. “I can barely keep it together.”
She raised her arms. “Okay, okay. Still, I think you should—”
I raised my hand. “Lani! Stop!”
She gave me a worried look. “Are you sure you’re okay?”
“Of course I’m not okay! I’m upset, on the verge of tears, I have a very bad case of PMS. And I’m leaving Brian. Now let’s go.”
Lani’s hand closed around my upper arm. “It’s not like you to make rash decisions, PMS or not.”
I took a deep breath in and out. “It’s not a rash decision,” I said in a calmer voice. “If I want to stay here, I have to leave first.”
She shook her head. “You either want to stay or you don’t want to stay.”
“It’s not that simple.”
“Well, it should be.” She sighed. “I don’t understand. We need so little to be happy, but often that little is the hardest to get. Why?”
“I don’t know. Maybe the little isn’t that little.”
“I’m of half a mind to keep you here by force,” Lani said.
It wasn’t an idle threat. Her voice was as serious as her expression.
“You wouldn’t be doing me a favor,” I said.
“Your leaving makes me nervous.”
“Me too, trust me.”
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THE ROADS WERE ALMOST empty, and we made it to the airport in less than two hours.
“You have my number,” Lani said. “Phone me, please. I can come wherever you are and stay with you.”
I hugged her. “I’ll be back in a couple of weeks. Don’t forget to feed the horses until Brian returns.”
She let out a long, sharp sigh. “He’s going to have my head. Don’t get into trouble, please. You’re hard to find, Elizabeth.”
“Keep an eye on that bastard in jail. His parole hearing is going to be soon.”
“On the twelfth of the next month at one p.m. You betcha, girlfriend. You take care. Phone me when you’ve arrived in Rosenthal.” She let out a frustrated sigh. “I don’t like any of this.”
“I’ll be back, Lani,” I repeated, for her sake as much as for mine.
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I BOUGHT A FEW DISPOSABLE cell phones and took some cash from the ATM at the airport. I had one more hour to kill, so I went to the coffee shop to have a cup of tea.
James Mohegan was the last person I’d expected to meet at the airport cafeteria, but there he was, sitting alone at a small, round table, drinking his coffee. His tired, unhappy expression somehow matched mine.
“Elizabeth. What a surprise. Where are you off to?” he asked as he stood up to pull up a chair for me.
“To Rosenthal to see Jacob,” I said then lowered my voice to a whisper. “Thank you for rescuing him and Molly.”
“Don’t mention it.” He eyed me suspiciously. “Brian doesn’t know what you’re up to, does he?”
I avoided a direct answer. “We need to figure some things out. Too many conflicting expectations. What about you?”
He dragged his hand through his hair. “My wife and I also need to sort things out. We need some time away from each other. I’m going to Italy, to see my son.”
“Don’t make a rash decision,” I said, repeating Lani’s words to me. “I spoke with Eve yesterday—”
“I don’t understand her. I know she loves me as much as I love her, but she can’t let go of Brian.”
“She has, I believe. Did you two fight?”
“Yes. After she finally agreed to have the marriage annulled, she’s pulled the breaks and refused to divorce Brian. Now guess what? She’s married to Brian. She went to see him last night. Why? There have been three of us in our marriage since he returned.” He snorted. “Me, my wife and her husband. Exactly one too many.”
“I know the feeling. But look at it from the other side. You, Eve and Brian are connected forever. You two love the same woman. In different ways, but still. Once she was important to Brian as much as she’s now important to you. You’re connected through the children and grandchildren the three of you had. You’re part of each other.”
Silent, James stared at his hands that covered his passport and the boarding pass tucked into it.
“Eve visited Brian last night to give him the divorce papers,” I said. “I believe she had already signed them.” I put my hand over his. “Now go and try to return this ticket, tell your son you changed your mind and go back to your wife.”
He lifted his head. “It’s not that easy.”
“It is. Trust me.”
“You think that’s what I need to do? To go back?”
“Yes.”
He rubbed his chin, then nodded. “Damn bond. I can’t be away from my wife and feel normal. It’s tearing my soul apart.”
“Eve’s as well. And if it’s any consolation, I’m feeling the same, and I’m not even bonded,” I said with a smile. “Go home to your wife, James. She needs you.”
He stood up. “Why don’t you go with me? Brian needs you.”
“Nice try.” I shook my head. “My story is a bit different. James, if anyone asks about me—”
“I can hardly imagine anyone would, save for Brian and half of Red Cliffs and Copper Ridge. I’m supposed to say you went to Rosenthal. Am I right?”
“But I am going to Rosenthal. I’ll be back, James.”
So I hope.
“You’re sure you’ll be fine?”
“I’ll be fine.”
“Take my phone number,” he said. “If you need anything, or if you want to talk, just call me, okay?”
I pulled out my pre-paid cell, trying to figure out where to punch in the number.
“Where is your phone?” James motioned at my cheap device.
“At the tinselhouse,” I said. “Tell me the number.”
I added his number, saved it, and memorized it for good measure. Then we both stood up and hugged each other. James kissed my forehead.
“Take care, sweetheart. I know I’ll see you soon.”
“You will.”
So I hope.