Ten things I’m going to do if Mum ever comes home: 

 

1. Not leave my whiffy clothes on the floor (she’s right—it doesn’t hurt me to walk down the hall and put them in the laundry basket).

2. Learn how to make Moroccan Lamb—her special recipe, because it’s the best.

3. Give her car back—you wouldn’t believe the stick the guys have been giving me about the girly colour.

4. Carry a condom at all times—even blokes like me get lucky sometimes, and she’s too young to be a grandma.

5. Leave some spare change in an obvious place.

6. Take a morning off and walk the boardwalk with her.

7. Ask her if she’s happy, and listen to the answer.

8. Tell her I love her.

9. Be the best person I can be.

10. Always buy the milk.