DAVIS is studying. He is deep in it. COOPER enters.
COOPER DAVIS YOU PUSSY! You should have come to Rafter’s. Steve’s MILF was there. She paid the tab. How’s it going?
DAVIS (Reading from his book.) “After copulation, the female praying mantis then bites off the head of the male mate. This decapitation speeds up the ejaculation process.”
COOPER Ugh. Women.
DAVIS (Still reading.) “This mating ritual, despite popular belief, occurs less than 31 percent of the time. The female is more likely to eat the male if it is imminent to her survival. This process is referred to as “Sexual Cannibalism.”
COOPER I read in my Psych book last year that babies gnaw on your finger because they love you so much that they just want to eat you.
DAVIS Ugh—I’m never going to remember all of this stuff. It doesn’t even relate to my major. I thought it’d be fun to take this class and now I think it’d be just as fun to move back in with my parents.
COOPER HEY! WE DON’T TALK LIKE THAT IN THIS HOUSE!
DAVIS Sometimes I really just want a way out of all of this. And why the hell are you not stressing?
COOPER What?
DAVIS Midterms. What’s your deal?
COOPER I’m not in Societal Animals.
DAVIS Well Psych or whatever the hell else.
COOPER Aww, you know, I’m taking my time …
DAVIS When’s your midterm?
COOPER No, no. I mean this “college lasts four years” thing. That was just a number some asshole picked out of thin air, you know? I’m young. I got time.
DAVIS I hate you.
COOPER It’s like—I could stress out in my early twenties, and get work done and get that assignment in and write down what the professor says, but for what? To go work with my dad in this crazy market? That doesn’t sound like fun to me! So—what? What’s left? Option One—Pull a Davis. Stress about what you’re told to do and force an early life heart attack on yourself. Not judging, just saying. And there’s Option Two: The Cooper way. Four years? Hell no. Five. Six. Six and a half.
DAVIS That’s not even allowed.
COOPER I know people. And this way, I end up saving time. Why? Because people who opted for Option One work towards retirement, but the blood pressure and the anxiety and the extra bullshit stress decrease the chance of that 401K seeing the light of day. So us Option Two guys—we’ll cry at your funeral and mutter something about you being too young to die, but those extra three years I took in college, they turn into twenty or forty extra years added to my vacation called “life.” You want a beer?
COOPER I’m doing just fine.
DAVIS Yeah well in three months some of us have to find a job and then keep working because we won’t get an automatic promotion when Daddy dies.
COOPER Hey glass house, you better put down those stones.
DAVIS No. No. Two totally different boats.
COOPER Like you’re not well off.
DAVIS I have it just the opposite way.
COOPER Yeah?
DAVIS I have a name to uphold. Not a kingdom to take over.
COOPER Your dad is a CFO!
DAVIS He’s never helped me at all! And my mom is a philanthropist. Professionally. And she already thinks she’s spoiled me. If you think I’m seeing any of that money, you’re a fucking moron.
COOPER Do you want to live that life you keep talking about?
DAVIS I don’t know! Shut up! I want to pass this test!
COOPER Then you better study.
DAVIS I can’t. I get a semi every time I read something about those fucked up mating rituals.
COOPER Ooo—So the ground hog didn’t run away when it saw the light of day? I’m talking about your penis.
DAVIS Oh. I don’t know. (Beat.) Can I say something that sounds gay?
COOPER Won’t be the first time.
DAVIS Seriously—
COOPER Yes.
DAVIS I feel like—after last night I guess—whatever last night was—I feel like …
COOPER Horny?
DAVIS No. Like, ready. I can’t explain it. I feel like … I don’t know … like I have power again. And I want to be touched.
COOPER You didn’t mean gay, like, you are trying to be gay with me, did you?
DAVIS No—Fuck Cooper—No. I’m trying to be vulnerable here. I’m just trying to get you to say you know what I mean and you know the feeling.
COOPER Of wanting to get laid?
DAVIS Forget it.
COOPER No no—of like—wanting to be touched.
DAVIS I feel like—I don’t know like—open. Like there’s this new space or something. Like—in my lungs. Like not nervous, but like, you know what I mean?
COOPER Oh. Maybe.
DAVIS I don’t want to Option One alone.
COOPER Well today’s a good day then.
DAVIS Oh yeah?
COOPER Don’t you see? Now you know that you hate your life.
DAVIS (Sarcastically.) Yeah. You’re right. Today’s great.
COOPER Look, Davis. You’re the nicest guy I know—and I mean that in a completely negative way.
DAVIS Help me here, buddy.
COOPER Take control of one fucking thing.
DAVIS I’m trying to study.
COOPER That’s what someone else wants you to do. What the fuck do you want?
DAVIS I don’t need a fucking coach right now. I need a friend.
COOPER Fine! Ok, so—ah—give me a hug.
DAVIS No, Cooper, I’m OK.
COOPER No really, come here.
DAVIS I have to study.
COOPER Give me a fucking hug, dude.
DAVIS I don’t want a hug.
COOPER Maybe I want a hug you cunt licker.
DAVIS Why the hell do you want a hug?
COOPER ’Cause you’re my friend!
DAVIS No shit—we don’t need to hug about it.
COOPER I’m not putting my fucking arms down until you give me a hug.
DAVIS You’re a girl.
COOPER Hey—you said some pretty gay shit to me earlier about wanting to be touched and a new space up your ass.
COOPER I heard up your ass and I have a blog.
DAVIS Let me study.
COOPER Hug me!
DAVIS Oh my God!
DAVIS hugs COOPER. After DAVIS gives in, it is a rather comforting, long hug.
JOHNSON enters. And stares.
COOPER Johnson, I fucked your mother.
JOHNSON I know. She told me she couldn’t feel a thing. Get far on the Societal Animals, Davis?
DAVIS What do I care about these crazy female cannibals?
COOPER This coming from the guy who was chewed up and spit out by a gorilla named Natalie.
JOHNSON I have note cards, notes, and I highlit … Highlighted. Sorry. I highlighted everything in the textbook that he mentioned in class.
COOPER There’s also Option Three, which is the Total Fucking Loser Option.
DAVIS Cooper, play nice.
COOPER I don’t wanna.
JOHNSON I want to order food before Jimmy comes. He never rounds up for tax and tip. Never. I’m not kidding. Literally never.
DAVIS Jimmy comes where?
JOHNSON I told him he could study with us.
DAVIS What? Are you kidding me?
COOPER Oh shit.
JOHNSON What? Cooper—I thought you said …
COOPER You’re an idiot.
JOHNSON Sorry. You’re going to see him at practice tomorrow anyway.
DAVIS I can avoid him at practice. Fuck, dude.
JOHNSON Sorry. Well you shouldn’t have screwed his girlfriend. That’s not my fault.
DAVIS Well what the hell am I supposed to do about it now?
JOHNSON Maybe he won’t come.
JIMMY enters through the front door. Beat.
COOPER (Fake thrilled.) Jim/my!
JOHNSON JIMMY!
DAVIS Jim!
JIMMY (Feeding off of their excitement.) HEY! HEYYY! HEEEEEYYYYYYY!
COOPER Welcome back!
DAVIS Yeah!
COOPER How was your trip?
JIMMY That fucking beach is killer. Nothing but sand and food and stars.
COOPER And women, right?
JIMMY I don’t know what factory those women pop out of but fuckin A are they hot.
COOPER Yeah? You tap any? We won’t tell.
Beat, as they all anxiously stare at him awaiting his answer.
JIMMY Naw man. I’m committed. I’ll let myself look, but anymore is no more.
COOPER Christian therapy? Really?
DAVIS Good for you. Look, Jimmy—bad news. I have to run, I just got a call from the library and I’ve gotta go. But—I’ll see you tomorrow, yeah? Have fun studying and guys—have such a great time studying ok? There’s beer in the fridge.
JIMMY Aww bummer. Well I’ll see you later m–
DAVIS exits.
JIMMY Alright. Peace.
JOHNSON OK. I’m going to have to change the setup of the study game if it’s just going to be the two of us. Unless, Cooper, you want to join.
COOPER I thought you’d never … Have you been reading my journal?
JIMMY You guys are funny together.
COOPER Beats being funny alone, Jimmy.
JOHNSON Studying.
COOPER Let’s do something.
JOHNSON We are doing something.
COOPER Let’s play a game or something.
JOHNSON We are on a schedule!
JIMMY What kind of game?
COOPER Something with a ball. Johnson loves balls.
JIMMY What’s Pussy Gel? Like KY?
JOHNSON Oh. No. It’s like. Sometimes when people are going to use the word “jealous” they say jel instead.
COOPER Isn’t that cute?
JIMMY Delicious.
JOHNSON Don’t you have to study for something, Cooper? Like Intro to Being Dumb? Oh—Well you’re actually probably doing really well in that one.
COOPER Uh. Oooh. Oof. Really rough go at that one, Johnson.
JOHNSON What is your GPA? Like how are you still on the team?
COOPER Are you kidding? First of all, they need the players and we can all agree on one thing: I am vicious. And second of all, my course load is minimal.
JIMMY Thanks to me.
COOPER Thanks to he.
JOHNSON I thought the rule …
COOPER Fuck rules. Jimmy’s dad is the shit. He understands brotherhood. Pull a few strings …
JIMMY Anything for a buddy.
JOHNSON And what?
COOPER And, well …
JIMMY Just tell him. It’s cool.
COOPER And I get to stay in school as long as I damn well please.
JIMMY Unless, you know, he kills my mother or something.
JOHNSON If you’re not taking classes, you’re not in school. You’re just living on campus. And not even your campus. Just some campus. That’s like maybe at the top of the most depressing things I’ve ever heard ever.
COOPER And I love it. Now which ball game will it be, kiddies?
JOHNSON We have to study, Cooper.
JIMMY Hey Cooper, did you ever put Gold Bond on your balls?
COOPER You know, I haven’t. But I’ve always wanted to.
JIMMY I did it once in high school and it was fucking awesome.
COOPER You know what? I think I have some.
JOHNSON It’s like I am the only person on Earth who wants a good future.
COOPER (Retrieving the Gold Bond from the drawer.) Here it is. Dump away.
JIMMY Here.
COOPER Johnson? You wanna try?
JOHNSON (Buried in his book.) That does not deserve a response.
COOPER I cannot wait to feel this glory.
JIMMY Good purchase, Coop.
COOPER This is actually Davis’s.
JIMMY Steal it.
COOPER He’ll probably just let me have it if I ask him. He’s, um, really good at sharing. Right, Johnson?
COOPER He shares everyone—thing. Sorry—I said one but I meant thing.
JOHNSON Are you kidding me with that?
COOPER What? Davis is a great guy.
JOHNSON OK—shut up—we should probably start studying.
JIMMY You don’t think so?
JOHNSON No I do I just think that if we are going to go over everything we learned—I’m just saying that talking about Davis is just not the most, um, productive way to go about—
COOPER What? You don’t like Davis?
JOHNSON OK—Enough Davis talk, please.
JIMMY What—did he beat you in Xbox this weekend or something?
JOHNSON YEAH RIGHT!
JIMMY Then what?
JOHNSON I have a perfectly fine relationship with Davis. It’s this fool I can’t handle.
COOPER Oh—yeah—I’m the core of your issues. Is it dark in that closet?
JOHNSON So should we start with the class notes?
COOPER (Picking something up off of the ground.) Johnson, look! I found it!
JIMMY Is that a tooth?
COOPER Yeah it’s Jenny fuckin’ Abrahamson’s tooth.
COOPER puts the tooth in an empty beer can.
JIMMY Why do you have Jenny Abrahamson’s tooth?
JOHNSON Umm …
COOPER Dumb bitch broke it on a beer bottle last night.
COOPER (writes on a beer can and says as he writes—) Jenny. Abrahamson’s. Tooth.
JIMMY You guys have a party?
COOPER More like a rager.
JOHNSON (Reading.) Humans care for their young far longer than any other animal. We’re going to have to know that.
COOPER It was our annual one. You know—Tunnel of Love. No cameras. No Facebook. You should have been here. You actually, really should have been here.
JIMMY Who showed up?
COOPER Everyone. I wouldn’t even be able to pick anyone out of a line up.
JIMMY Who got laid? Any shockers?
COOPER Hey Johnson—who would you say lucked out the most last night?
JOHNSON (Not paying attention.) Me. ’Cause I left.
COOPER No. I mean of who got laid. Besides you-know-who. (Beat.)
JOHNSON Hey Jimmy—if you don’t have your wits about you for this test, you might resort to cheating, and if anybody finds out about the cheating, then they might lose their fucking temper, ok Cooper? And I don’t want any part in that.
JIMMY So I’m guessing Johnson didn’t get laid.
COOPER Not by a girl, at least.
JIMMY So who lucked out?
COOPER Johnson, you-know-who!
JIMMY Who, Johnson? Who?
JOHNSON (Slow and livid. Through his teeth.) I don’t know, Cooper. Who?
COOPER You have no idea who I’m talking about?
JOHNSON Wait—do I? Wait—now I really have no idea if we are talking about the same person.
COOPER Well who are you talking about?
JOHNSON I don’t wanna say.
JIMMY Why?
JOHNSON Cooper?
COOPER I think we’re talking about the same person. Are you talking about …
JOHNSON (Almost whispered.) … Davis?
JIMMY DAVIS?!
COOPER JOHNSON!
JOHNSON That’s why I—Well who were you talking about?!
JIMMY Aw man! It’s about time! Good for him, man. Who was the lucky girl?
JOHNSON Uh … You probably don’t know her.
JIMMY Bullshit. I know everyone.
JOHNSON Well I’m going to go order some food. Is Chinese good for everyone?
COOPER Jimmy, you should probably study. I’ll leave you fools alone.
JIMMY No no no—you can’t tell me that Davis the Good gets laid and then not tell me which bitch got nailed. Was it a freshman? (Beat.) Does that mean I’m right? (Beat.) Spill the shit man. Who was the girl? (Beat.) What’s going on here? Why are you guys pussying out on me? (Beat.) Why don’t you want me to know? (Beat.) Oh fuck. (Beat.) Oh fuck.
COOPER Way to go, Johnson.
JOHNSON Oh fuck you.
COOPER Honestly, Jimmy, I’m glad you heard it from us.
JOHNSON Jimmy, I’m sorry, but for the record, I was not here. I had gone home and was not present at the time. (Beat.)
JIMMY I’m gonna kill her.