A long, long time ago in Hong Kong, a man and his dog died side by side, both asphyxiated in a hotel fire. The Goddess of Mercy, who happened to be jogging by with her pedometer, decided to bring them back to life. She examined the man’s body and saw that his heart was shriveled and diseased by smoking and bad eating habits, but the dog’s heart was still in good shape and was red, plump and healthy. She discarded the man’s diseased heart and replaced it with the dog’s heart. For the dog, she made a beautiful vegetarian heart with soy paste and wheat gluten. She said some mumbo-jumbo New Age prayer and the dog sprang up and wagged his tail and barked in gratitude. The man, instead of thanking the Goddess, growled, scratched his balls and tried to bite her head off for manifesting too late and for not serving him steak tartar for dinner and not saving him from the British Empire in the first place.