Lorri packed her things to go spend time with her parents on this anniversary of Jeff’s death. Unsure if she’d stay the night or not, she packed Mister up and took him with her. He was a comfort to have nearby, and he was good in the car. He usually laid in the back, but today she spread a sheet in the passenger seat and let him sit up front with her. He didn’t look all that comfortable. He was so big that he sat hunched over. After his chin bumped the dash a couple of times, he climbed onto the floorboard with his body leaning over the seat and chin on the center console.
With one hand on the wheel and the other on Mister’s head, she turned on the cruise control.
Mom and Dad weren’t expecting her. They’d begged her to come spend time with them on this anniversary every year since Jeff died, but she’d never seen the point. It was so hard to watch her parents so broken over something Jeff brought on himself.
It was different this year though. Compassion for Jeff came easy today. Jeff was their son. Their grief was real, and for the first time she really understood and acknowledged their feelings. They still loved Jeff. Seeing and understanding Ryder’s grief had changed her perspective. Losing a child had to be the worst trauma a parent could ever experience. No matter how or why that loss occurred, the pain lingered.
Even though the short time she’d spent with Ryder had all turned into one big mess, she learned a lot of things about herself while they were together.
She headed north on the highway, thinking about how different she felt about this day than she had last year. I’ve been selfish. The next time I stand in judgment of something or someone, I pray I recognize it and can find empathy and compassion.
At Jeff’s funeral she’d been so angry with him she could barely speak to anyone. She held Mom as she wept, but Lorri’s heart hadn’t been there for her.
Lorri had never forgiven Jeff for all the things he’d put their family through, and she had held on to that grudge. Her folks couldn’t even express their sorrow without her throwing her two cents in.
She blinked away a tear. I’m so sorry.
Ashamed, she didn’t know how she’d make it up to Mom and Dad, but she’d find a way. She pulled into the driveway, prepared to somehow do that. This house was much smaller than their house in Raleigh, but it was updated and charming. Today the special wreath that Mom had made in Jeff’s honor hung on the door.
Her parents had clung to hope. Each thing that happened, the next arrest, injury, or episode they thought might be what could help Jeff find his way again, but that tomorrow never happened. Even when Jeff hocked Dad’s irreplaceable collection of pocket watches, they’d recovered the few that could be tracked down and spent more money keeping him out of jail and sending him to rehab.
Dad had been so hurt. One of those watches had belonged to his grandfather, another had been left to him by his best friend. They’d served in the army together. You couldn’t replace those things.
There came a point when her parents quit telling her about the trouble he was in, knowing her response wouldn’t be what they wanted to hear.
But on this visit, she held kindness in her heart. She couldn’t have a special friendship with Ryder, but she could repair the strain that she’d caused in her family.
She stood on the porch ready to knock, but something made her pause. Every flower and piece of greenery in that wreath had been lovingly tied into place. Jeff, I loved you. You were my brother. I’m sorry your life was so hard. I wish there’d been something I could have done to change that for you.
Tears fell, almost taking her breath. In the years since his death, she hadn’t shed a tear for him. Now they came in waves. She sat on the porch step. Her hands over her face, she leaned forward sobbing.
The door behind her opened. “I thought I heard a car.” Mom sounded so cheerful. “I’m so glad you came.”
She couldn’t stop crying.
“Lorri?” Mom stepped outside and sat next to her. “Honey, what’s the matter?”
Mister pushed his nose to Lorri’s shoulder.
Lorri turned into her mom’s warm embrace.
“I’m here for you.” Mom pushed Lorri’s hair back from her face. “It’s okay. I have no idea what this is all about, but that doesn’t matter. This family gets through everything.”
That only turned the squeeze on Lorri’s heart tighter. She hadn’t been a very positive part of this family for a long time. And here I was judging Jeff. “Mom. I’ve been selfish. I’m so sorry.”
“What do you think you’ve done?”
Lorri sniffled back the tears, wiping them from her cheeks with her fingers. She heard the screen door open. “There you are. Aren’t y’all chilly? Why are you—”
“Honey, we’ll be right in.” Mom pulled her closer.
Dad groaned. “Oh no. Tears?”
That made Lorri smile. Dad had never been good with tears. That had always been Mom’s department. “We’re coming in now, Daddy.” She squeezed Mom’s hands. “I love you so much.”
“And we both love you, darling.”
She climbed to her feet, and Mister jumped up too. She walked inside and slapped her hand against her hip for Mister to follow.
He waited for the command to come through the doorway, then she told him to sit.
Mister sat, his eyes on her waiting for the next command.
“Rest.”
He laid down and put his chin on his paws.
“He’s so well behaved, but man, he’s gotten big,” Dad said.
“I barely notice that anymore.”
“That was a lot of tears. Did somebody break my little girl’s heart?” he asked. “We could sic Mister on him.”
“No, Daddy. This isn’t about me.” She reached for his hand, and then Mom’s. “Or maybe it’s all about me and what I’ve done wrong. I know Jeff’s struggles had to be heart-wrenching for you both. I’m sorry I didn’t make it any easier up to or after he died. I’m really sorry.”
Her father’s head tilted gently. “Oh, Lorri. We have always loved you both more than you can ever imagine. We hurt when you hurt. Every heartache is one for us too. Thank you for recognizing our pain, but honey, you had to deal with those things your way. There is no good way to get through it. Come here.” He held her, rocking her and dropping a kiss on the top of her head.
It had been years since he’d done that. She was fifteen again, crying over Donnie Humphries. Her first broken heart.
“I don’t know where all this is coming from, but Lorri, I am glad you’re able to finally grieve for Jeff. He loved you. He loved us all. Sometimes it’s hard to love people when you know they are self-destructing, but that’s what we have to do. When you have a child of your own one day, you’ll understand that.”
“No more apologies about this, Lorri,” Dad said. “Here’s the thing. Everyone handles things differently, and your anger didn’t make you wrong. Okay?”
“I feel awful about it.”
“I think you’re about to find real peace in your heart. I know you’ve given me some,” Mom said.
“I don’t know how you can forgive me.”
“You’re our daughter.”
“Can’t be that simple.”
“It most certainly is,” Mom said.
She noticed the dining room table was already set. Mom had started the tradition of making Jeff’s favorite foods on this day.
“You hungry?” Dad rubbed his belly. “I’m starving. I’ve been having to smell all this stuff since breakfast this morning.”
“Pure torture, right?” Lorri placed her hand on his back. “I’ll help Mom get everything served up.”
She’d never really thought about it before, how Mom was such a good cook, and yet she hadn’t ever learned. Lorri had been in such a hurry to move out of the house by then that she never had the chance. “Maybe next year I can help you cook everything. You could teach me the recipes.”
“I’d love that.”
Lorri hadn’t seen such delight in Mom’s smile in a long time.
“Then, let’s count on that.”
“I’ll teach you some of your favorite dishes too, so someday you can pass them on to your daughter.” Mom came over and hugged her again. “I hope you never felt slighted.”
“Never. We were lucky to have such wonderful parents always there for us.”
Mom handed her a bowl of potato salad. On the top, deviled egg halves made the center of two flowers with chive stems and red bacon bit petals.
“Remember how you and Jeff would fight for the flowers? That used to make me laugh, because there were always two. One for each of you.”
“I can’t believe we never realized that.” They’d practically come to blows to dig out the first portion. Lorri carried the bowl and set it on the table.
Mom carried a chicken pot pie and a basket of rolls. The menu was a real hodgepodge, fried pork chops, pizza, homemade potato chips, ham, baked beans, and enchilada casserole. Each dish held memories. Welcome ones.
Dad blessed the food and said a few words about Jeff and expressed his thanks for the rest of the family being together to remember Jeff.
“I feel like I need a nap after all that food,” Lorri said after the meal was finished.
Mister laid down in the doorway, looking hopeful they might get to take a nap.
“You can lay down in the guest room if you want.” Mom picked up the empty plates and started moving them to the kitchen.
“No. Let me clear the table. Maybe you could find the old family albums. Let’s look through them. Can we?”
Mom and Dad exchanged a glance, then a smile. “I know exactly where they are.” She hustled off.
“You’re making your mother a very happy woman today.”
“I never realized—”
“Don’t explain. I was serious when I said no more apologies about this. It’s life. There’s no instruction booklet, and Lord knows it isn’t easy. Are you happy in Dalton Mill?”
“I am. I think I’m finally figuring out who I am. It’s funny how you can kind of lose yourself when you’re married. It’s been a year of discovery. Some good. Some bad.”
“It’s not always a bad thing. You have to be aware enough to hold on to the real parts of yourself, and then you mesh and learn from each other. Growing in positive ways. I don’t think you and Craig really did that,” Dad said. “You outgrew him, and he kind of stayed the same.”
“Yeah. You might be right.”
Mom came into the room carrying three large albums. “Here we go!” She plopped down in the middle of the couch. Dad sat on one side and Lorri grabbed her glass of tea from the table and went to sit on the other side, tucking her feet beneath her.
Mom flipped open the first book. “We can skip to the back of this one. Mostly wedding pictures of me and your dad.”
“No! Let’s look at them too.”
Mom looked pleased. She placed her hand on the picture of her and Dad in front of the church.
Lorri had forgotten how young they looked in these pictures. Or maybe she hadn’t really noticed before. “Your gown was so elegant. Look how long that train is.”
“I had no idea how heavy it would make the dress. It was like pulling an anchor behind me.”
Her dad laughed. “And the girls had to keep running behind her and straightening it out.”
“It was a pain, but that was my dream wedding gown. Each one of those pearls on the bodice were hand-sewn.”
Dad leaned closer to Mom. “You were the prettiest bride in the world. I still can see you when you stepped into view at the end of the aisle. Took my breath away.”
Mom blushed. She flipped forward to the baby pictures of Lorri. There were a ton, and lots of her and Jeff together.
They spent hours going through old family photo albums, taking a break for dessert. German chocolate cake and banana pudding.
There were a few pictures from the shows she and Jeff used to perform on the patio. Magic shows, tumbling, and there was that one time they did turtle races. Her turtle refused to come out of his shell. Jeff had painted a number three like Dale Earnhardt on his turtle’s shell after that.
“Here’s when we were teaching Jeff to ride a bike. Look at you, Lorri. You loved those streamers on the handlebars of that pink bike.”
“I remember that bike.”
So many precious memories. Decorating eggs at Easter, and they were never your average dunk-in-a-paper-cup-of-dye variety. There were feathers, glue, paint, and wax involved. And come Halloween the pumpkin carving went from simple knives and spoons to power tools. Her creativity had been in full gear from a very young age, and Jeff had fueled it with his competitiveness.
“You were always artistic,” Mom said.
“Jeff could never outshine you in that area,” Dad said. “But he could definitely play sports better.”
Lorri laughed. She never could throw or catch, as much as she’d tried. It used to drive Jeff crazy. He’d accuse her of not trying, but she just didn’t have the skill.
Lorri and her mom and dad all cried over the sweet boy he’d been, still unsure of what changed to set his life on such a hard path.
As they talked about the latter years, she withheld her harsh opinions. They’d heard them all before. Instead, she listened and really tried to understand and offer comfort. There were more incidents than she’d even realized. He’d been under house arrest for a year for driving drunk. She remembered that but didn’t know about all the times he’d been in jail following that.
Lorri said, “Mom, do you remember the box of stuff you gave me? The one marked ‘Personal’?”
“I do.”
“I never realized it wasn’t my stuff. Probably just as well, else I might have thrown it away back then. I went through that box not too long ago.”
“Your brother had such a time. Bless his heart, he just couldn’t find his way.”
Dad got up and took their dessert plates into the kitchen. Mister followed him, hopeful for a scrap or two, no doubt.
“He really did have a heart of gold. His letters were sweet. He never meant to cause so much trouble. And after that accident it was all he could do to get through the days.” Mom’s lip trembled.
The brother Lorri loved had done awful things. She’d convinced herself that he was really no longer the same person, but in those letters he wrote to Mom from a cold cot in a cell somewhere in North Carolina, he was. He was trying, and the more he tried the more he felt as if he were being sucked down into something dark and wrong.
“It was so sad.” Lorri hugged her mother’s arm. “I’m sorry, Mom. I’m supposed to be here comforting you, and I’m a complete wreck.”
Mom pulled her close, kissing her. “You never mourned his loss. You’ve held this in for a long time. It was bound to happen at some point.”
“I was so mad at him.”
“I know. It’s okay.”
She raised her head, gulping for air between sobs. Mom’s eyes looked so blue although they were red from crying. Jeff had her blue eyes.
“It’s been an emotional day,” Dad said. “Let me fix us something to eat.”
“No, Daddy. All we’ve done is eat.”
He stood, filling the doorway. “There’s some Watergate salad in the fridge. Your mom forgot to put it out earlier.”
“Okay, but just a little scoop,” Lorri conceded. Dad still knew how to make her feel better.
Dad walked back out of the room, and Mom inched closer. “Some of the stuff that happened, even your Daddy never knew.”
“Oh, Mom. You shouldn’t have tried to take that on for everyone.”
“I did what I thought Jeff needed me to. I know I made mistakes. Enabling him. It’s easier to look back and see it, but at the time, there was hope. I felt hope.”
“You needed to feel that. You’re the best mother. You always believed in us no matter what. Thank you, Mom.” She’d wondered about that last day of Jeff’s life, but had never had the courage to ask. “Mom, do you think he crashed the car on purpose that day?”
“No. I have to believe he had some kind of seizure or something. He never would have taken his life without leaving me a note.”
Lorri thought of the stack of letters Jeff had written to her mother. “You’re right. He’d never do anything like that.” They’d never know for sure though.
“Go get some sleep. It’s been a long and tiring day. A good one, but we all need some rest,” Mom said.
She hugged her mom good night.
“You dream of all the wonderful days ahead of you, darling. You’ve found forgiveness in your heart. You will be amazed at the things that will come your way now. Be ready, sweet girl.”
How she hoped that was true. She did feel more at peace today than she had in years. In her prayers that night she prayed for Ryder and his family, and for Jeff too. I hope you found peace.