I couldn’t wait to leave home.
After I was gone for a while, I couldn’t wait to go back.
ABBY T., AGE 21
If your home life is like most American households, there is a race going on in your family. The clock is ticking, and it is just a matter of time to see which happens first: Will you pack your bags and move out or will your parents pack your bags and throw you out?
Your parents are getting on your nerves. Go on, admit it. That doesn’t mean you’re a bad seed; it just means that you’re going through the natural growth process of becoming an adult wanting more freedom. And since you’re admitting things, why don’t you admit that you are irritating your parents (as evidenced by those popped blood vessels in your father’s eyeballs and the fact that your mother is losing clumps of hair from her scalp). It’s reciprocal. You’re driving them crazy and vice versa. That is one reason most people think about moving out after high school.
You’ll quickly discover, however, that living away from your family’s home isn’t as glamorous as it seems. Sure, you won’t have someone imposing a curfew or ordering lights out or demanding you to turn down the volume on your stereo. You won’t even have anyone telling you that pizza is not a breakfast food. But living on your own may also mean you are literally on your own, buying food, paying rent, cooking, washing and doing a lot of other things that you never thought about before (because someone else was doing them for you).
Whether you are getting ready to move off to a dorm room at a university across the country or whether you just want to move down the block to that basement apartment with a hot plate for a kitchen and a bucket for a bathtub, this chapter is for you. We’ll give you information that includes the good and the bad, the pros and the cons. When you read what we have to tell you, you’ll still want to leave home, but you’ll have a better idea of where you want to go (and a greater appreciation of what you’re leaving behind).
From the time you were a little kid, you have been saying, “When I grow up …” Well, that time has arrived. You have grown up. During your four years of high school (more or less, depending on the level of your mental acuity), you gained a lot of experience in these areas:
• Human Dynamics. You developed friendships and interpersonal relationships (of the social, romantic and platonic types).
• Finances. You made small amounts of money and spent slightly more than that.
• Communicative Skills. You created intricate excuses and presented persuasive rationalizations to your parents and teachers.
• Cultural Sensitivity and Societal Awareness. You watched a lot of television and movies.
With such worldly experience, it is no wonder that you are ready (even anxious) to leave the protective cover of your parents’ roof and venture out on your own.
Your efforts to move out may be met with one horrendous roadblock: your parents. You see, they have a totally different view of you. It all stems from the fact that they used to powder your heinie. You were a baby back then, and they still consider you to be something less than a real adult. All of that experience that you gained during high school doesn’t mean diddly-squat to them. If fact, what you think qualifies you to be an adult is what they consider to be proof that you are still a juvenile.
• Human Dynamics. They think that you are hanging out with a bunch of morons.
• Finances. They say that you have been living off the allowance they have been paying you. (You are tempted to remind them that $5 per week won’t even buy a meal at Hot Dog on a Stick, but you actually need that financial subsidy, so you can’t afford to alienate yourself quite yet.)
• Communicative Skills. They say that your conversation with them is always limited to monosyllabic grunts (except when you fabricate elaborate and outrageous excuses when you are in trouble).
• Cultural Sensitivity and Societal Awareness. They criticize you for watching a lot of television and movies (as if that is a bad thing).
But you do have something working in your favor. You are driving them crazy. They are tired of the refrigerator door’s being left open and the bathroom light’s being left on. They are losing patience with calls from your friends at 11:45 P.M. (That one is their own fault; they should have gotten you the cell phone you kept asking for.) They are totally frustrated with your habit of leaving clothes on your bedroom floor. (You think you’re being efficient, because you’re not wasting time by opening and closing the dresser drawers.) These parental irritations work in your favor. Even though your parents don’t consider you to be an adult, by the time you’re out of high school they are somewhat anxious to get you out of the house.
The timing of when you make the break from your parents’ home requires some strategy. Like a great actor in a theatrical play, take your bow and make your exit at a time when the audience wants you to return for an encore. In other words, when you leave, you want to make sure that your parents will let you come back.
There is a right time and a wrong time to leave home. It is the wrong time to leave when any of these are true:
• You’ve just had a huge fight with your parents, and Jerry Springer is calling to book you.
• You’ve just maxed out your parents’ charge card, and you need to vanish before the invoice arrives.
• You don’t have any place else to go to.
It is the right time to leave when these are true:
• You are in agreement with your parents that it is the right thing to do.
• There are no hard feelings between you and your parents.
• You are just beginning to consider their antiquated opinions to be “quaint,” and they are just beginning to consider your irritating habits to be “endearing.”
• You’ve got a great place to go to.
Your departure usually happens when you start college as a first-year student, but the specific timing will be determined by a lot of factors.
But I Don’t Want to Go
What if you don’t want to leave home? Well, you probably don’t have to—at least not yet. But part of your growth process means stepping out into the world. That usually means living farther away from your parents than the bedroom across the hall.
What to Take with You
For the past 18 years, all of your worldly possessions have been stockpiled in your room. This arrangement was due to necessity (your parents didn’t want your junk in the living room) and due to protection (you didn’t want your younger siblings getting their grubby little hands on your stuff). When you leave home, you will be tempted to take all of your stuff with you. Don’t. You won’t need it all, and you won’t have room for it anyway.
We know that you are fond of that soccer trophy you won in the fifth grade, but that is a remembrance of the past that can stay behind. And if you are honest with yourself, you aren’t all that sentimental about it (since for the last year you had a Jack in the Box antenna ball stuck on the soccer player’s head). Your dorm room or apartment won’t be much bigger than those photo booths at the mall where you can get four shots for a buck. With that in mind, plan to leave at home things such as these:
• Your high school yearbooks
• Your collections from childhood (such as comic books and troll dolls)
• Your favorite clothes from tenth grade, which you haven’t worn since
• Your pets (goldfish might be the only exception, but not in that 30-gallon aquarium)
Remember that if you are just moving a short drive away to college, you can return home at another time to get what you need. (And if you are going so far away that you won’t return home until summer break, then you really need to pack light.)
If you are going away to college, then you will probably receive some information from the college about what you should bring. The obvious things will be on the list: a desk lamp for reading; a computer; a surge protector; towels and bed sheets (hey, you aren’t staying at the Marriott Courtyard); and headphones for your stereo (so you won’t disturb your roommate).
In addition, there are going to be a lot of things you haven’t needed at home that you will need at college, such as a laundry basket, a small refrigerator and a few basic tools.
Coordinate the equipment list with your roommate. There is no sense in duplicating items.
College is going to be filled with a lot of adjustments for you. You are going to be reading more and studying harder than you did in high school. But the academic transition is going to be easy compared with the tremendous adjustment to living in a dorm.
Think about it for a moment: Nothing in your lifetime of experience has equipped you for living in a dorm(unless you have 179 brothers and sisters). You’ll have to make a number of adjustments—and quickly.
Instead of an older brother or sister, you’ll have a resident assistant (RA). The RA will probably be a junior or senior. This person is paid to be your supervisor, mentor, counselor and warden. But don’t think RAs are doing it only for the money. They usually get free room and board instead of cash. If you work that out on an hourly basis, their pay is about 27 cents per hour. So they’re probably doing this job because they want to be helpful.
Instead of parents, you will have a resident director (RD). This could be a married couple or a graduate student. The RD is your best resource for heavier personal problems. (Your RA is okay, but not much older than you, so you might want to opt for a little more wisdom.)
Minimal privacy. Instead of sharing the bathroom with one or two siblings, you’ll be looking at an average of about 16 people per toilet. You do the math.
Minimal quiet time. We’re not talking about your morning devotions here. Instead of a “lights out” rule imposed by your parents, there will likely be activity throughout the night. At first you’ll probably join in on the fun, but after four months of sleeping only three hours per night, your brain won’t function and you will be constantly sick. (But don’t worry about that runny nose—the bags under your eyes will be so droopy that you can wipe your nose with them.)
A few weeks before the beginning of your first semester, you will be notified of the name, address and phone number of your roommate. Get acquainted by spending some time on the phone. Don’t worry if you think you got stuck with a dud (your new roommate probably has a similar feeling). Don’t even think about asking for a change in roommate assignments until you have both moved in and gotten to know each other.
You may be apprehensive about living with a complete stranger, but your roommate won’t stay a stranger for long. Sure, you won’t be totally compatible, but you lived at home and weren’t totally compatible with your family members either.
Even if you shared a room with a sibling, the experience won’t completely prepare you for living with a roommate. The rules for living with a roommate are slightly different. At home, your parents can arbitrate the disputes with your siblings; at college, you’ll have to work things out on your own with your roommate (or with the help of your RA). The following perspectives may help:
• Don’t think that your roommate has to be your best friend.
• Learn to appreciate your roommate’s differences.
• Don’t be too quick to borrow your roommate’s stuff.
• When your roommate is starting to irritate you, remember that you may be doing things that irritate your roommate.
• Don’t let the irritations build up to the point that you explode over something ridiculous (such as “I hate you, I hate you! You always hum when you comb your hair!”).
When you are at college, you’ll probably eat most of your meals in a dining commons along with hundreds of people just like you. In chapter 8 we will discuss some guidelines for what to eat (so that you don’t swell like an overinflated whoopee cushion after the first semester). For now we just want to remind you that table manners seem to be forgotten when people eat in scavenging hordes.
We aren’t being critical, just observant. We know that you’ll be foraging for food in a cafeteria line and eating off a tray. This is not a time to be lifting your pinkie as you sip your soup. But when you go home—or get invited to the university president’s house for dinner—don’t toss the peas into the air and catch them in your mouth.
In order to maintain your sanity, you are going to have to find your own private “quiet place.” This will be a place where you dodge all of the interruptions. It will be a place where you can talk with God and read your Bible; it will be a place where you can organize your thoughts; it will be a place where you can enjoy the quietness of silence. (And maybe you can do a little homework there, too.)
It may take you a while to find this special place. Look for an isolated, overstuffed chair in the library. Try to find a bench under a shade tree (preferably far away from the soccer practice field). If all else fails, try the backseat of your RA’s car. Wherever it is, find this place and don’t tell anyone about it until after you graduate.
Life in an apartment has some similarities to living in a dorm, but there are some significant differences.
Dorm rooms come furnished with beds, dressers and desks. But unless you rent an apartment that’s furnished, the only features of your apartment will be wall-to-wall floors and see-through windows. You will be on your own for the furniture.
Your vivid imagination and your empty wallet will guide your decorating tastes. Who needs a bed frame when a mattress lies perfectly flat on the floor? The box that your 17-inch computer monitor came in will make an excellent dining table. You’ll be amazed at what you can build out of “sticks and stones”: A few pine boards stacked between concrete bricks make an excellent bookcase. Or if you want to go for the beachcomber motif, build two towers of bricks and lay a surfboard across the top. Presto! You’ve got an abstract breakfast counter.
Location, Location, Location
You might find a great apartment for a great price, but you’ll have a problem if it is seven miles from campus and your only means of transportation is a pair of Nikes. Dorms are conveniently located, but this may not be the case with an apartment.
Remember that your college classes are not scheduled in a row like in high school. You might have only two classes on Monday, Wednesday and Friday, but one is from 9:30 to 10:20, and the other from 1:15 to 2:05. Where are you going to go in the meantime? If your apartment is too far away, you might have a lot of wasted time between classes when you can’t conveniently eat, sleep, shower or study. And if you have a car, then you have to think about parking (both at the apartment and on campus).
For your first year of college, living closer to campus is probably better than being farther away. Not only is it more convenient, but you’ll also be able to participate in more of the social activities.
Before you make the official and final departure from your parents’ house, take a good look around. For the first time you may notice the nice furniture, the clean surroundings and the well-stocked refrigerator. Don’t make the mistake of asking your parents, “Why should I leave all of this?” One of them will quickly answer, “Because it is not yours!”
When you are living in your parents’ home, you play by their rules. Sometimes it is difficult to know “who you really are” when you’re in that situation. What you think, do and say are strongly influenced by your parents’ expectations.
All of that changes when you move away from home. Suddenly what you think, do and say are totally up to you. Your parents no longer dictate these things—your character determines them. That important subject, your character, is the focus of the next chapter.