After high school, you’ll find out what you really believe, because then it is all up to you.
CAROLYN C., AGE 20
After high school, it may feel as though you don’t know who you are anymore.
Don’t freak out. It isn’t all bad—just part of the process. For 18 years you have been defined mostly by what your family does and says and believes. You have also been partly defined by the friends you hang around with. After high school—and particularly if you go away to college—you won’t have your family and old friends around to define you. Your external environment may be different. But you are still the same person inside.
That can be hard to remember when everything starts changing so suddenly and drastically. The activities in your life will increase exponentially after high school. Unless you are careful, the “inner you” may get lost—or at least overlooked. If you’re going to college, then the academic load will almost bury you; if you’re working a job, you’ll be physically and emotionally drained at the end of the day. If any time is left between your classes and your job, you’ll be doing things and going places with your friends. In the midst of the flurry of activity, don’t ignore the importance of developing your character.
The tough decisions in your life are not going to be decided by your looks or your personality or your intellect. The most difficult issues you’ll face in life are going to be decided by your character.
Character is the inward conviction of your beliefs that affects your outward behavior. Your character is the real you. It is what you stand for—what you believe in. Your character is what may keep you from doing things you shouldn’t and makes you do the right thing, even when it is difficult.
What Does Character Look Like?
Unfortunately, you can’t see character. You can’t take a written test to quantify it. You will only know what your own character is like by examining your conduct in various circumstances. Your character is revealed by
• how you treat people who can do nothing for you;
• your ability to accept personal criticism without feeling malice toward the person who gives it;
• your response when you suddenly lose a lot of money—and when you suddenly acquire a lot of money;
• the kinds of things that make you angry;
• the kinds of things that make you laugh;
• how you respond to temptation;
• what you stand for and what you won’t stand for;
• what you fall for and what you lie for;
• what you do with what you have;
• what you do when you have nothing to do;
• what you do when you know nobody will ever find out.
Reputation is what you need to get a job. Character is what you need to keep it.
Essential Ingredients
During high school, there were probably times when your character was tested. As difficult as those circumstances might have been, the temptations and pressure to compromise your character will increase dramatically after high school. You need to be serious about developing and strengthening your character so that you will be able to stand firm in the confidence of what you believe.
Some men and women (Billy Graham and Mother Teresa, for example) are universally recognized for their character. These people are known for consistently exemplifying sound moral character. If you find it hard to imagine living up to such lofty standards, take heart. Character is not something acquired genetically; nor is there a “one size fits all” formula for character development. It takes time—and a fair amount of effort.
Where do you begin? Well, this list of desirable character traits is not intended to be exhaustive, but if you are working on your own character, these are good traits to start with:
• Integrity— doing what is right
• Honesty— being truthful
• Responsibility— being trustworthy
• Morality— being pure in thought and deed
Look at the brief definitions that we have given to the character traits of integrity, honesty, responsibility and morality. Now for each one of them, add the following phrase: “all of the time, in every situation, regardless of the consequences.” That is what character is all about.
Character is always lost when a high ideal is sacrificed on the altar of conformity and self-interest.
Sometimes it is easier to exhibit character when faced with big temptations than it is when faced with seemingly insignificant ones. If a bank teller left a stack of $20 bills on the counter, we could resist the momentary temptation to take it (and feel pleased with ourselves for the display of honesty). But what about when the McDonald’s “customer service associate” hands us 25 cents too much in change? All of a sudden our honesty evaporates because we think it is too small or that it doesn’t matter. But the essence of character is that it operates all of the time and in every situation.
True character operates regardless of the consequences. It is easy to deal honestly with the faults of others. But what about when you are on the hot seat? This is the real test of character. Do you have the integrity to own up to your own mistakes, even when it might mean that you suffer some penalty or disadvantage? Don’t let your pride squelch your character.
Does this all-character, all-of-the-time approach mean that life will be boring? Absolutely not! We think that people with strong character can have the best sense of humor. Because they have decided what must be taken absolutely seriously, they are free to take everything else lightly.
A strong faith in God gives you assurance to stand firm in your convictions, regardless of the consequences. When you are trusting God with the circumstances of your life, you don’t need to worry about compromising your character in order to maneuver the situation.
Most people take ethical detours when they think that they have to strategize or control the outcome of events. But when you realize that God is in control, you are relieved of the temptation to violate your principles in order to manipulate the results.
What you believe affects the way you think. The way you think affects the way you live.
The Bible is filled with verses that extol the importance of having strong character. Because we are dads, we can really relate to the following verse in the New Testament:
I could have no greater joy than to hear that my children live in truth (3 John 4).
We suspect that your parents feel the same way. We know that your heavenly Father feels that way.
Living in truth is living your life with Christlike character. That’s what the Christian life is all about. God wants us to become like His Son (see Romans 8:29). If you think that such a goal is impossible, you’re right: It is (in this lifetime at least). Even the apostle Paul struggled with character issues:
I know I am rotten through and through so far as my old sinful nature is concerned. No matter which way I turn, I can’t make myself do right. I want to, but I can’t. When I want to do good, I don’t. And when I try not to do wrong, I do it anyway (Romans 7:18-19).
We will never achieve perfect Christlike character on this earth. That will only happen when we are united with Christ when He returns (see 1 John 3:2). In the meantime, we can follow biblical principles for living in truth.
Living in truth begins with transformed thinking. Our society doesn’t place much value on virtue. It teaches that ethics is a private matter and that morality is relative. You could never develop strong character while having the philosophy that there is nothing worth believing in. The apostle Paul said that living for God requires a complete change in your mind-set:
Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will know what God wants you to do, and you will know how good and pleasing and perfect his will really is (Romans 12:2).
Living in truth is sustained by consistent conduct. Your character isn’t going to be developed if you only exercise it on Sundays and religious holidays. Character is strengthened over the course of many acts, and it can be severely weakened by repeated compromise. Living in truth requires consistent and persistent focus on those things that are good, right and true. Here are the apostle Paul’s instructions to stay focused and consistent in life:
And now, dear brothers and sisters, let me say one more thing as I close this letter. Fix your thoughts on what is true and honorable and right. Think about things that are pure and lovely and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise (Philippians 4:8).
Living in truth realizes God’s present purpose. You may find it easier to live in truth when you realize that God wants to be active and alive in you right now. He has a present plan and purpose for your life. He doesn’t intend to put your life on hold for a few years until you finish college or get settled in a career. He wants to use you now. This reason alone should give you great motivation to live in truth.
Your reputation can be damaged by the opinion of others. Only you can damage your character.
One of the best ways to learn about character and to develop your own is to examine the lives of others. Of course, you will find many examples in the pages of the Bible, not the least of which is Christ Himself. But you have lots of living examples around you. Sometimes the character of these people inspires us; other times, their lapses in character serve as a warning to us.
Heroes
Okay, we want to be very clear about this. We aren’t talking about superheroes (the kind in comic books, TV shows or movies). And we certainly aren’t talking about celebrities (of either the sports or entertainment variety). We’re talking about real-life heroes—people who exemplify our ideals and whose lives exhibit our highest values.
There is nothing wrong with having a hero. Heroes embody the character that we want to have. The best candidates for “hero” status are people who are dead (because a little history has to pass before the person’s character is recognized and remembered). Even though these people were far from perfect, they refused to let their frailties prevent them from using their strengths. When we think of them, we should not focus on their imperfections or their accomplishments, but we should admire the traits of their character.
Your heroes might be famous (Abraham Lincoln, Eleanor Roosevelt, George Washington Carver, Amelia Earhart), or they could be obscure (if we could give you an example, then they wouldn’t be obscure). Fame is not the important quality of heroes; instead, the diligence of their pursuit of what’s right in the face of adversity is what matters.
Role Models
There is a big difference between heroes and role models.
• Role models are people you see on a regular basis. Heroes are admired from a distance (usually because they have been dead for generations).
• Role models show you how things actually get done. Heroes inspire you with ideals and concepts.
• Role models show the techniques. Heroes are the philosophy.
Both heroes and role models will be helpful in character formation, but you will get the most practical assistance from the role model.
Don’t expect to find a role model who is famous. (Famous people probably won’t be hanging around where you can see them.) Besides, fame isn’t a necessary criteria for a good role model. You are only interested in finding someone who is a few stages ahead of you and who is managing life in a way that you admire.
You want a role model who is successful (in terms of quality of his or her character and life). Maybe this will be a person at your church or a supervisor where you work. Watch what they do, and see how they respond to circumstances. If you are going to college, your role model might be a senior who is doing well academically and is heavily involved in social issues. Perhaps you admire the way this senior is able to keep everything in balance. Don’t be afraid to ask a few questions and receive a few practical pointers.
Speaking of practical pointers, when you are looking for a role model, find someone who has a personality and talents that are similar to your own. It won’t work if you try to emulate the work habits of a person who is totally different from yourself.
Mentors
A mentor is different from both a hero and a role model. Mentoring involves an advising and counseling relationship that includes some accountability. A mentor is someone who will commit to be a personal coach to you.
Mentors won’t seek you out; you must approach them. In fact, beware of the person who is too anxious to be your mentor (a kook in search of a groupie). A serious mentoring relationship takes a lot of time, but your mentor will be willing to make such a commitment to you if you show a sincere interest in learning and growing. Maybe one of your church leaders or a professor at college would be a good mentor for you.
The bottom line: Your character is between you and God. It cannot be purchased, inherited or borrowed from someone else. You can get help, advice, instruction and inspiration from the Bible, your heroes, role models and mentors, but the responsibility of developing your character belongs entirely to you. Take this job seriously.
One of the first tests of your character after high school will be how you handle the seemingly unlimited freedom that is available to you. If your character is strong, you can avoid wasting and abusing your free time. If your character is weak, you’ll have lots of wasted time and nothing to show for it.
For your entire life through high school, the time frame of your life was fairly rigid. Your daily routine probably went something like this:
• You begin the day by turning off the alarm clock and going back to sleep.
• Next, you hear a parent yelling, “You’ve overslept! Get out of bed!” You go back to sleep.
• You finally get out of bed, skipping shower and breakfast, and sneak into the first-period class as the sound waves of the tardy bell are dissipating.
• For the next seven hours, you respond to class bells, moving in zombielike fashion between classes.
• After the school dismissal bell, it’s a few hours of some job, sport or activity, according to the schedule imposed by your employer, coach, advisor or parent.
• You eat a generic dinner before driving to some activity with the church youth group or with friends. You arrive home after curfew (but not so late as to get into real trouble with your parents), and you fall asleep after setting the alarm clock for a time earlier than you know you will really get up.
When you think of it this way, your entire life seems controlled by adults and bells.
After high school, all of that changes. Oh, there are still adults and bells around, but they don’t control your life unless you allow them to. Your daily routine could go something like this:
• You begin the day by awakening peacefully. No alarm sounded because you didn’t set the clock. It is noon. You go back to sleep.
• Next, you awake in time for an afternoon snack while watching a few Saved by the Bell reruns.
• A leisurely dinner with friends at Taco Bell is followed by a movie and then a fruit smoothie at the Jamba Juice joint. You catch Leno and Letterman and fall asleep during Conan.
Now, doesn’t this sound much more serene? No stress with this lifestyle—not until you flunk out of school, lose your job and are evicted from your apartment.
You can know all of the best time management principles (see chapter 1), but your character must be strong enough to motivate you to use them.
Now that we have talked about character, let’s move to the subject that will likely be the greatest challenge to your character or the greatest help to it—your friends.
As you already know from personal experience, some of your friends encourage you to live a life that is consistent with your character; other friends may pressure you to compromise your character. As we’ll discuss in the next chapter, the choice is up to you. Choose wisely.