Guys shouldn’t think that a girl will expect him to marry her if he takes her on one date.
JENNIFER B., AGE 21
It’s almost a sure thing that sometime in your posthigh-school career, you and a member of the opposite sex will find each other attractive. It will be hard to explain, because it will involve a combination of your physical, mental, emotional and spiritual dimensions. This won’t be new for you, since you probably experienced this attraction in high school.
But now that you’re on your own, on the verge of becoming a full-fledged adult, with all the privileges and rights therein, you’ll want to treat this guy-girl thing with more respect and responsibility. In fact, we have a little theory about this guy-girl thing. Try this on for size (by the way, feel free to apply our theory to situations other than relationships, such as scuba diving and surgery):
You’re probably going to have more than one serious relationship over the next few years, and you may end up in a relationship with someone you are convinced is “the one.” The key is that in each relationship, you need to show respect and practice responsibility. And the more serious you get in each relationship, the more responsible you must become.
If you’re leaving home, you could be leaving someone special behind. Or the two of you may be taking different paths as you enter your college years. Either way, how do you break up gracefully—or should you break up at all?
We know a young man who had just graduated from high school and was leaving home for college. He had a sweet girlfriend in his hometown, who was still in high school. We were very impressed with how this guy handled this difficult situation. Because God was at the center of their relationship while they were dating, this young man kept God at the center when they broke up. Why did they break up at all? He felt it was important for each of them to meet new people and experience new things. Taking the lead, he prayed with his girlfriend, committing their futures to God. Though parting was difficult, they both knew they were doing the right thing.
At last report, the young man is enjoying his college experience very much, and his former girlfriend is successfully finishing high school.
On the other hand, we have known Christian couples who went off to different schools (in some cases they agreed to see other people; in other cases not) only to wind up together. Pray about what God has in store for you, both individually and as a couple, and be open to the direction in which God is leading you both.
If you’re not willing to be responsible, then you shouldn’t get serious. Going deeper in any relationship without practicing responsibility shows no respect for the other person or for yourself. And ultimately you show no respect for God.
Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. Love does not demand its own way. Love is not irritable, and it keeps no record of when it has been wronged. It is never glad about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance (1 Corinthians 13:4-7).
You were probably wondering when we were going to mention the magic word: “dating.” Now that we have, let’s talk about what we mean. In case you hadn’t noticed, the concept of dating has gone through a revolution of sorts. A lot of people have tried to redefine dating, while others have avoided the subject altogether. We’re not going to take that position. We’re going to deal with dating head-on, because we happen to think it’s a very good idea.
Now that you’re at the college level, you’re ready to move up in your dating courses. In high school you took Dating 101, an introductory class. Here you learned—through trial and error—the rudiments of being with a guy or girl on a date. What kind of grade did you get in Dating 101? If you got a C or better, you’re ready to move on. If you failed, or if you never took the class at all, we’re going to promote you anyway. We don’t want you to get any further behind.
Kiss Dating Hello?
A few years ago a best-selling book encouraged singles to “kiss dating good-bye.” The author contended that, since it’s very difficult to practice dating while remaining physically, emotionally and spiritually pure, it’s best to avoid dating altogether until you’re ready to make a commitment to one person for life in a marriage relationship.
We agree that it’s important to put God first in every aspect of life, including every relationship we cultivate. However, we also think that to avoid dating altogether is a bit extreme. It puts undue pressure on those who are in dating relationships to make a marriage commitment before they are ready—emotionally, financially or experientially.
When done responsibly, dating can make you a better person. Dating helps you relate to the opposite sex (which you’ll have to do all your life, even if you never get married). And there are more benefits of dating.
Why Date?
Our being old enough to be your parents has its advantages when we discuss this topic of dating. For one thing, we’ve done a lot of dating (we got to know our wives on dates before we married them, and we continue to date because they continue to enjoy our social engagements). In addition, we have been able to observe our own kids through the high school and college years as they have dated. As a result of this dating experience, as both participants and observers, we have seen several benefits to dating:
• Dating civilizes you.
• Dating develops your social skills.
• Dating teaches you how to live on a budget.
• Dating shows you how the opposite sex thinks and feels.
• Dating helps you determine the kinds of qualities you enjoy in another person.
Dating doesn’t have to be the prelude to anything more, but we think dating is a necessary prerequisite to growing deeper in an honest and honorable relationship with someone of the opposite sex. Dating helps you cultivate valuable and special friendships without worrying about the pressure of permanent commitment. If and when you are ready to commit yourself in marriage, you will have already learned a lot about understanding and caring for your future husband or wife.
By now we hope you’ve noticed a definite theme running through this book (and frankly, we hope it’s a theme that runs through your life). The theme is balance. Whether we’re talking about your
• becoming the person God wants you to be,
• choosing the best friends possible,
• maintaining a healthy lifestyle,
• keeping your finances in order,
• selecting the career that’s best for you, or
• entering the world of dating,
one of the keys to your success is balance.
We’re not talking boring mediocrity here. Ask professional people—athletes, musicians, entertainers, scientists, business people—and they’ll give you the same advice. If you keep a balanced perspective, seeking the best in all areas, maintaining a solid position and learning from the successes (and mistakes) of others, you will succeed yourself—and have fun doing it.
When it comes to dating, balance means you don’t get caught up in a dating frenzy, where you’re running ragged or where you’re putting yourself in potentially compromising positions (and we think you know what we mean). But neither are you isolating yourself in your room or hiding behind the dynamics of a group, afraid to get close to anyone. Yes, you may have been hurt in the past, and the last thing you want is another relationship. Maybe you’re so busy that the last thing you have time for is dating. Maybe you want to date, but nobody’s asking, or everyone you ask turns you down.
Be patient. The right person will come along—if not for life, then for your next date! In the meantime, take the pressure off yourself. Enjoy your friends and relax. But don’t stop reading here. The dating tips ahead will come in handy someday (and maybe sooner than you think). And if you’re ready today—heck, you may be heading out the door for a date in the next 30 minutes—read fast. The next few paragraphs will help keep you balanced.
Treat Every Date with Respect
You never know. The next person you date may turn out to be your spouse (we don’t mean to scare you). It’s true! At some point you’re going to meet for the first time the person you’re going to marry someday. Or if that isn’t the case, then you’re likely to meet the person who will marry someone else someday. So treat every date with respect. See him or her as God’s choice for someone (that someone could be you) or as someone who will eventually choose to remain purely single.
You’re at the age when many people meet their lifetime marriage partner. So it’s a good idea to avoid getting into a long-term relationship with anyone who
• isn’t your type,
• isn’t good for you,
• doesn’t share your values, or
• doesn’t want to get married.
Discover Whether You’re Compatible
Discovering whether you’re compatible with someone seems like a catch-22. You don’t want to seriously date someone with whom you’re not compatible. But how can you tell whether you’re compatible without dating that person?
Well, we can’t help you identify specific personality characteristics ahead of time (that’s one of the benefits of dating—to bring out the annoying or endearing habits in the other person). But before you can tell whether you are compatible with someone else, you need to know a few things about yourself. You should be able to answer yes to these three questions before you even begin to date someone:
1. Do you know yourself? (See chapter 1.)
2. Do you know God? (See chapter 5.)
3. Does the person you want to date know God? (See 2 Corinthians 6:14.)
Take It Slowly
When it comes to developing deeper relationships, you will never regret taking your time. What you will regret is rushing into something that quickly turns out to be a mismatch. What you may find is that you relate to someone on a superficial level (read, “physical”), but then you discover over time that in the areas that really matter—spiritual depth, emotional stability, basic personality—you really aren’t compatible at all.
Taking it slowly means that you meet somewhere for coffee or a coke and get to know each other before going out on an official date. It means going out in a group before going out alone. It means that after you get to know your new special someone a little, you evaluate whether or not you are truly compatible in the areas that matter. If you find at any point that either you or your special friend possesses qualities that the other would find intolerable, you need to have the courage and the character to prevent your relationship from moving beyond friendship.
But Don’t Take Too Long
Now we get to the flip side of this whole relationship process, and that’s commitment (at this point, all the guys reading this book are cringing, while the girls are saying, “Yesss!”).
The opposite of rushing into a relationship—especially a marriage relationship—is never wanting to commit. This seems to be a pretty big problem right now, especially among men. There are a variety of reasons for this growing reluctance to commit to one person, especially when that commitment inevitably leads to marriage.
• You may be from a broken home. Rather than seeing marriage as a blessed union of souls, you see it as a battleground to be avoided at all costs.
• You may be fearful of the financial uncertainty that lies ahead in the world, not to mention your own bank account. You’re still paying off student loans—from junior high school.
• You’re concentrating on your career. You are on a course of study that’s going to take a while, and after that it’s going to take some time to establish your career.
• You love playing the field. Why settle down with one person, when that one person will only tie you down?
• You’re afraid of intimacy. You just can’t see yourself totally open and honest with another person.
We’re not saying these are bad reasons for avoiding commitment. You just need to be aware of them and face up to the fact that any one of these reasons may be preventing you from entering into one of the most satisfying and enriching experiences available to us mere mortals (you can tell we’re biased).
Dating can and should be fun, especially right now. Don’t put any unnecessary pressure on yourself, and don’t put pressure on the person you’re dating. Nothing kills a relationship more quickly than when one of you seems too eager to get married. Be thoughtful and deliberate about dating, but enjoy the experience as you let it take its natural course. If God has placed in your heart a desire to get married, then rest in the confidence that dating is the best way to discover the person you will eventually fall in love with and marry.
We get a lot of e-mails from our readers (and we’d love to get one from you—see the introduction of the book for our address). One e-mail we received was from a young lady who was a new Christian. She told us that her boyfriend, who encouraged her to become a Christian, was upset when she told him, “No more sex!” He reasoned that they could be Christians and love each other and have sex. She was torn and confused. Here’s what we advised.
Dear Torn and Confused—
The Bible is very clear that sex outside of marriage is wrong. No way around that one. Check out Proverbs 6:32 and 1 Corinthians 6:18. It’s not that God doesn’t want us to enjoy sex. But He created sex to be a sacred and very personal expression of love between a husband and wife. Anything outside of that is not only wrong but also destructive. This may sound old-fashioned, but you don’t have to think very much to realize that nothing good—aside from temporary physical pleasure—comes from sex outside of marriage.
It’s interesting that your boyfriend is the one who encouraged you to become a Christian, and yet he is upset that you won’t have sex with him anymore. Doesn’t it make you wonder about his love and respect for you? Take God out of the picture for a minute (your boyfriend has). If your boyfriend’s main objective in having a relationship with you is sex, then you don’t have much of a relationship. And please don’t fall for the old line, “If you really love me, you’ll have sex with me.” If he really loves you, he’ll respect you and honor you rather than seeing you as a physical object to meet his own selfish and misdirected desires.
Your salvation isn’t based on what you have done or on what you will do. It’s based on the love and work of Jesus Christ on your behalf (see Ephesians 2:8-10). But as you grow in Christ, you are going to find that you will want to please Him in all you do. That doesn’t mean you won’t fail. We all do. But there is a way out. It’s not in our own abilities, but in Christ’s. Only Jesus Christ can get you through this. Pray that He will give you strength and wisdom and courage.
We’ve taken you farther down your life path than you probably need to go right now, but that’s okay. It doesn’t hurt to think ahead. When it comes to your future, plan as if it depends on you, but pray and trust God as if it depends on Him.
Now we’re going to backtrack a bit to a more practical matter: money.