SECTION XXIII: INTOLERANCE/DEFENSIVENESS
Therapist’s Overview
BEFORE AND AFTER
GOALS OF THE EXERCISE
1. Identify and increase awareness of how individual family members are perceived when intolerant or defensive.
2. Develop an understanding for how family members “could” be if they were not intolerant or defensive.
3. Develop more effective ways to respond to feeling intolerant or defensive.
ADDITIONAL HOMEWORK THAT MAY BE APPLICABLE TO INTOLERANCE/DEFENSIVENESS
• The Blaming Jar Page 71
• How Can I Talk So He’ll Listen? Page 89
ADDITIONAL PROBLEMS IN WHICH THIS EXERCISE MAY BE USEFUL
• Anger Management
• Anxiety
• Depression
SUGGESTIONS FOR PROCESSING THIS EXERCISE WITH FAMILY MEMBERS
Families struggling with being defensive or intolerant with each other can often be short fused. A frequent pattern of hurting each other verbally may be the norm. Oftentimes, if this has been occurring for a long period of time, family members may not know how else to act. For change to occur, awareness needs to be developed first. This exercise follows a problem resolution format and is designed to accomplish three steps. Step One is to identify the behaviors of conflict or intolerance or defensiveness. Step Two is to identify alternative behaviors. Step Three is to practice the alternative behavior.
Before the exercise is suggested, review the basic problem solving steps (i.e., define the problem narrowly, brainstorm options for solutions, generate the pros and cons of each option, select one option for implementation, implement the selected option, evaluate the results, adjust the solution as needed). Also review the use of the “stress ball” as suggested in the homework “Why Can’t You Understand My Side for Once?”
EXERCISE XXIII.A
BEFORE AND AFTER
If your family struggles with being intolerant of or defensive with each other, you have learned some pretty negative interactive behaviors. These may partially involve mechanisms used in self-defense. Most families struggling with such conflict want to change but need some structure or guidelines to do it. This exercise follows a rather simple problem-solving formula to help you identify times of conflict in which defensiveness or intolerance is present. You will also be given a chance to identify and describe alternative behaviors. Finally, you are given the opportunity to practice these alternative behaviors.
Step One. Take time to notice when periods of conflict, intolerance, or defensiveness occur, and record what people are doing and saying. Use the lines below.
As a family, get together and describe the behaviors you recorded.
DO NOT FOCUS ON WHOM BUT RATHER ON OBSERVABLE BEHAVIORS. THE GOAL IS TO INCREASE AWARENESS OF THE BEHAVIORS/COMMENTS THAT ARE DEFENSIVE/INTOLERANT.
Step Two. As a family, try to brainstorm alternative behaviors for each defensive /intolerant behavior listed above.
Step Three. As a family spend two to three minutes practicing these alternative behaviors.
For each family member, use an, “I” statement to describe how it feels to practice these alternative behaviors.
Using these alternative behaviors, I _____
Using these alternative behaviors, I _____
Using these alternative behaviors, I _____
Using these alternative behaviors, I _____
Using these alternative behaviors, I _____
Using these alternative behaviors, I _____
As a family, try brainstorming a list of reasons why these alternative behaviors are better than the defensive and intolerant behaviors described in Step One. Make sure each family member offers at least one reason.
These alternative behaviors are better for our family because:
Throughout the week remind each other and yourself of these reasons.
Therapist’s Overview
WHY CAN’T YOU UNDERSTAND MY SIDE FOR ONCE? (PART I)
GOALS OF THE EXERCISE
1. To reduce and possibly eliminate the tension and conflict regarding the attitudes of self-righteousness and superiority over others.
2. Become more open-minded and tolerant of one another.
ADDITIONAL HOMEWORK THAT MAY BE APPLICABLE TO INTOLERANCE/DEFENSIVENESS
• The Blaming Jar Page 71
• How Can I Talk So He’ll Listen? Page 89
• Why Can’t You Understand My Side for Once? (Part II) Page 166
ADDITIONAL PROBLEMS FOR WHICH THIS EXERCISE MAY BE USEFUL
• Anger
• Anxiety
• Depression
SUGGESTIONS FOR PROCESSING THIS EXERCISE WITH CLIENT
Attitudes of self-righteousness and superiority naturally create distance between individuals and can lead to resentment as well as end relationships. A family who is looking to prevent such consequences will need to identify the behaviors that family members engage in when these attitudes are evident. They will also need to identify the thoughts and feelings that these episodes instill. Additionally, all of this needs to be discussed as a family. It is important for family members to define what type of family life they want to have and what this would look like. Typically the first step in this process is helping the family members to identify and acknowledge each others’ thoughts and feelings.
EXERCISE XXIII.B
WHY CAN’T YOU UNDERSTAND MY SIDE FOR ONCE? (PART I)
FOR THE MEMBERS OF A FAMILY THAT IS EXPERIENCING INTERNAL PROBLEMS WITH INTOLERANCE AND DEFENSIVENESS
As a family agree on, and commit to, a time within the next week when you can meet and complete the following activity:
1. Each family member is to identify a rather neutral issue and present his or her view of it. For example, one member can describe how he or she enjoys ice skating.
2. Each family member then expresses agreement and understanding (regarding, for example, how his/her sibling or parent enjoys ice skating).
3. The family should record, or at least make a mental note of, the following:
a. How s/he felt and thought when expressing his or her neutral issue.
b. How s/he felt and thought when the others expressed acknowledgment and understanding.
c. How s/he felt and thought when it was her or his turn to express acknowledgment and understanding.
Therapist’s Overview
WHY CAN’T YOU UNDERSTAND MY SIDE FOR ONCE? (PART II)
GOALS OF THE EXERCISE
1. Identify the roadblocks to talking without arguing.
2. Develop effective ways to talk with each other without arguing.
ADDITIONAL HOMEWORK THAT MAY BE APPLICABLE TO INTOLERANCE/DEFENSIVENESS
• The Blaming Jar Page 71
• How Can I Talk So He’ll Listen? Page 89
• Why Can’t You Understand My Side for Once? (Part I) Page 164
ADDITIONAL PROBLEMS IN WHICH THIS EXERCISE MAY BE USEFUL
• Anger
• Communication Problems
SUGGESTIONS FOR PROCESSING THIS EXERCISE WITH THE CLIENT
When family members cannot get their point across because of constant arguing, it is important to identify the process that is occurring (e.g., talking over each other, ignoring). In a session, the therapist can work with the family to identify these ineffective strategies and then to help implement signals or other ways to identify and interrupt this process. For example, when family members are talking over each other, assign a rule that the only one who can talk is the one with the “stress ball” in his/her hand. It may also be helpful to set a time limit (such as 1 or 2 minutes), after which the ball goes to another family member. This ball may also be substituted for a piece of linoleum, as in the exercise introduced by Markman, Stanley, and Blumberg (1994) of “Who Has the Floor?” or the use of “The Pad and Pencil Technique” (Dattilio, 2007), or “Passing the Hat” with families (Dattilio, 1994).
EXERCISE XXIII.C
WHY CAN’T YOU UNDERSTAND MY SIDE FOR ONCE? (PART II)
This exercise should be attempted after you and your therapist have discussed and practiced strategies for managing conversations (e.g., use of a piece of linoleum to indicate who has the floor to speak) and deep breathing.
1. At home, family members can practice having conversations using the signals and strategies (e.g., linoleum) developed in the therapy session.
2. Family members should also practice deep breathing as a way to manage their feelings. You can visualize a thermometer, which will record the level of your feelings. When the thermometer is close to indicating a fever, practice deep breathing.
3. Sometimes when an individual cannot break his or her fever, a time-out is needed. When you need to take a time-out, try to set a time limit (such as 10 minutes). In using a time-out, it is important that an attempt be made to continue the conversation. If this cannot be done, the topic should be discussed in the next session, where your therapist can help bring closure to the conversation.
