SECTION XXIV: JEALOUSY/INSECURITY
Therapist’s Overview
I DON’T HAVE TO BE JEALOUS OR INSECURE ANYMORE
GOALS OF THE EXERCISE
1. Identify and increase awareness of controlling behaviors within the family.
2. Develop an understanding for the need to be in control.
3. Reduce the fear or identify the insecurity that often drives the need to be in control.
4. Decrease frustration of family members.
ADDITIONAL HOMEWORK THAT MAY BE APPLICABLE TO CLIENTS WITH JEALOUSY/INSECURITY
• How Can I Talk So He’ll Listen? Page 89
• Why Can’t You Understand My Side for Once? Pages 164, 166
ADDITIONAL PROBLEMS IN WHICH THIS EXERCISE MAY BE USEFUL
• Oppositional
• Defiant Behavior
• Parent/Child Conflict
• Relationship Conflict
SUGGESTIONS FOR PROCESSING THIS EXERCISE WITH THE CLIENT
When individuals feel jealous, they may often try to be controlling of others. This controlling behavior can take many different forms such as snide comments, sarcasm, silences, or unjust punishments. Jealousy and insecurity can often be driven by a fear that the person believes will come true if they don’t control the situation. The following exercise is designed to identify the controlling behavior as well as the fear.
EXERCISE XXIV.A
I DON’T HAVE TO BE JEALOUS OR INSECURE ANYMORE
During the session, family members are to make a list of controlling behaviors that are often displayed within the home. This should be done without necessarily identifying who typically engages in that behavior. A family member can be in charge of writing this list of controlling behaviors and posting it somewhere in the home as a reminder to all members. This is often placed on the refrigerator. The following steps make up this homework assignment.
1. Step One is for a family member to post the list of controlling behaviors typically displayed within the home.
2. Step Two is to take note of any time a controlling behavior is displayed. Family members can record this on a note pad and put it in a jar or container. These notes will be used for Step Three.
3. Step Three is to meet as a family and discuss possible reasons the family member was acting in a controlling fashion. Use the lines below to brainstorm possible reasons. It is generally more productive if the family works to identify reasons to understand why a person was controlling as opposed to making an angry list of put-downs and complaints.
An example could be, “He was telling me what to do to help me. When he ‘helps’ me it makes him feel included. Being included is important to him.”
4. Step Four is for the family to acknowledge the controlling person’s fear. For example, “I won’t be included.” Use the incomplete sentences below to identify and express any fears that the controlling person has.
5. Step Five involves providing reassurance to reduce the controlling person’s fear.
6. For example, “I know you want to be involved and want to help me. Let me know your ideas. I’ll listen and can then make an informed decision.” Use the lines below to write some reassuring comments or phrases.
In the next session, review this homework and have the family role-play a corrective experience. This could involve the controlling person catching him or herself and changing their behavior. Other family members can then offer reassuring comments and praise for making change.
Therapist’s Overview
I AM NOT JEALOUS
GOALS OF THE EXERCISE
1. Reduce and/or eliminate feelings of jealousy/insecurity.
2. Eliminate blaming of each other regarding overt or perceived favoritism.
ADDITIONAL HOMEWORK THAT MAY BE APPLICABLE TO JEALOUSY/INSECURITY
• How Can I Talk So He Will Listen? Page 89
• Why Can’t You Understand My Side for Once? Pages 164, 166
ADDITIONAL PROBLEMS FOR WHICH THIS EXERCISE MAY BE USEFUL
• Anger Problems
• Anxiety
• Depression
SUGGESTIONS FOR PROCESSING THIS EXERCISE WITH THE CLIENT
Feelings of jealousy and insecurity can lead to very intense conflicts within family relationships. At times, a dependency ensues, leaving family members feeling trapped in a cycle. Other family members who observe the jealous and dependent behavior frequently become resentful and angry. Explain to family members their cycle and how destructive it can become. Once they have agreed to make some changes, provide them with the following exercise.
EXERCISE XXIV.B
I AM NOT JEALOUS
FOR THE MEMBERS OF A FAMILY THAT IS EXPERIENCING FEELINGS OF JEALOUSY/INSECURITY
Feelings of jealousy and insecurity can lead to very intense conflicts within family relationships. The following exercise is designed to help you reduce or eliminate feelings of jealousy/insecurity as well as the blaming of each other regarding perceived or overt favoritism.
1. Identify what each of you believes to be the insecure and/or jealous behavior.
2. Identify the thoughts that come to your mind when you observe these behaviors of jealousy.
3. Identify a list of alternative thoughts or actions, which can replace episodes of jealousy or insecurity. If you are having trouble, ask other family members for some input.
4. Practice taking a deep breath during situations in which you observe jealous/insecure behavior, and think about the benefits of the alternative thoughts and/or actions.
