Jeremy slowly made his way down the eucalyptus-lined road that led to the cove and the beach house—and Melinda. She had set him back on his heels so far he found himself fighting for balance when he thought about her. She was nothing like he’d imagined. He’d been prepared to find fault to use as ammunition through Shiloh’s teen years, even knowing it would have to be done very, very carefully. Criticizing Melinda, even hinting she was unfit, could shake Shiloh’s belief in herself.
Jeremy had walked a tightrope in a hurricane for twelve and a half years. He’d created excuse after excuse to explain Melinda giving Shiloh up for adoption, knowing as soon as she was old enough to reason them out, they would be rejected out of hand.
He had no one but himself to blame for the mess he was in. He should have told Shiloh the truth from the beginning, that he had no idea why or how someone could carry a baby for nine months, give birth to that baby—the most beautiful baby in the world—hand her over to strangers, and walk away.
And what excuse would he have used to explain Tess? He had memories of loving Tess, but none of the feelings that should have accompanied the memories. Anger consumed him when she walked out—he didn’t care that she was gone, their marriage had become a ritual by then, but he would never forgive her for the way she left. Before he realized that it was happening, his anger had spilled over and tainted Shiloh. It wasn’t until Jeremy saw how scared she was to even mention Tess that he came to his senses. He took time off, left a message on his work and private phones saying he would check in periodically but was only available for emergency repairs should there be a 7.0, or higher, earthquake.
Before the sun was up the next morning he and Shiloh were headed east, picking up the Gold Rush Trail and Hwy 49 in Jamestown and spending the next five days meandering north through a major portion of the historic gold rush trail. Jeremy saved the best for last, a half-day white-water trip down the south fork of the American River. Despite reassurances from her doctor, Jeremy worried the entire time they were on the water. By the time they reached the end and he saw how happy she was, how normal she felt, his smile was as big as hers.
He marked the trip as the real beginning of his and Shiloh’s life together without Tess. On the way home their conversation drifted, covering a little bit of everything and nothing. He discovered Shiloh was confused why her mother had left, but not traumatized. She asked who would bring snacks when it was her turn to provide them for her class, and did he know her new school only allowed healthy snacks? No cookies or cupcakes unless they were made out of things like carrots or dried fruit. But no nuts. Some people reacted to nuts the way she did sunlight and fluorescent lights.
She wanted to know what she was supposed to tell people when they asked if they could talk to her mother. Was it okay if she didn’t tell anyone at her new school about the letter? Did she have to tell them she was sick? What if she didn’t?
There were times when Jeremy felt overwhelmed by the weight of trying to protect Shiloh. He was a doer. Give him a problem and he found a way to solve it. Tell him something couldn’t be accomplished and he figured out what needed to be done and did it. How was it that he failed over and over again with the person who meant more to him than his own life?
Did he really want to try to convince Shiloh that Melinda didn’t know how to be a mother? On what basis? What had she done to deserve that kind of treatment?
Jeremy parked the truck across the street from Cheryl and Andrew’s house and watched shadow figures move past the curtained front-room window. For the length of a heartbeat he let himself acknowledge how lonely he was.
He longed for the summers Shiloh had been in remission and they had waited together for the sun to sink into the sea. This was their time, special and private. A time when they set out to discover a world most people didn’t know existed, one where he and Shiloh would spread a blanket on a hillside overlooking all of Monterey Bay. Silently they waited for the creatures of the night to wake and take over their world.
Everything he did back then was focused on turning her lupus into something they could handle, even resorting to the old cliché about making lemonade out of lemons. He knew he was succeeding when Shiloh broke through her self-imposed silence and started asking questions again, almost all of them beginning with “why.”
They were on one of their nighttime picnics when she asked how many ants lived in a colony and why so many more skunks than raccoons were hit by cars. He loved her voracious curiosity even when it meant he would stay up half the night looking for answers.
He knew one day she would want to explore beyond the world he’d created. Being stuck with your father was boring when there were cute boys and girlfriends and music that made you feel as if you belonged to something bigger. How could sitting on a hillside waiting for raccoons and skunks and the occasional opossum to wander by compete with texting a friend about . . . anything?
He could handle the pajama parties and insanely loud, headache-inducing, incomprehensible music. He even managed to stay calm in a room full of girls giggling and tossing pillows at each other in a custom-designed bedroom, a Christmas gift from her grandmother. Jeremy didn’t fold until Shiloh came to him and told him she wanted to find her mother. Her real mother.
From that moment his life changed. He was forced to acknowledge that no matter how hard he tried, his love and caring and nurturing weren’t enough. He was a damn good father, at times even a great father. But it wasn’t enough.
Feeling himself sinking in a downward spiral, Jeremy headed for the beach. He studied the water. If he timed it right, he could make it to the jetty and back again before the tide turned and blocked his way.
Normally he jogged at an easy pace. Tonight he ran as if he could escape.
He needed time to do things, not just think about doing them. The custom tile for a kitchen remodel he’d been working on for over two months finally arrived and he hadn’t been at the house to look through the shipping crates. His client had found “this wonderful little shop in Deruta, Italy,” and ordered the pieces months before she hired Jeremy. He could have told her that he knew the shop and that they did exquisite work but that they used the worst shippers in Italy because they were cheap. It wasn’t uncommon to have up to a third of the tile chipped or cracked or broken in transit. If he couldn’t work with what was left by using the damaged tiles for cuts and edging, the homeowner either chose a new tile from a local vendor or they all waited another six months to finish the project. The longer he put off looking at the tiles, the longer the subcontractors were on standby.
He ran faster.
And then there was Tess. What in the hell was he going to do with her? The fastest way to get her out of their lives was to pay her off, but the thought of selling his and Shiloh’s home to come up with that much money stuck in his throat like an enormous bitter pill.
He went back and forth about whether or not to tell Shiloh that Tess was back in their lives. Did he have the right to keep it from her? Tess had been her mother. Legally, she still was. According to Brian she had no chance for custody, but that wouldn’t keep her from dragging Shiloh into the mess out of spite.
He was gasping for air yet pushed himself harder. Tripping on a piece of kelp, he righted himself and went on, using the pain as an escape. Finally, when his legs gave out, he stopped. Doubled over and gasping for air, for the first time he focused on the show in front of him.
The entire water surface appeared covered in a sparkling silver blanket. Despite the stitch in his side that made standing difficult, he put his hands on his hips and came upright. He was rewarded with a moment of magic as five shadows broke the surface and spouted with such force Jeremy could feel the vibration. Whales were consistent visitors to Monterey Bay, stopping for a meal to sustain them as they migrated from Alaska to Mexico and back again. But Jeremy had never seen them come into the cove.
He looked around to see if anyone else had witnessed the incredible show. Even in this, he was alone.