You know it all too well. It’s in city hall. It’s in Congress. It’s in your school board, your town council, and your police department. It’s your big dumb government, good people, and it’s here to help:
Want to bring a plastic light saber or a frosted cupcake on a plane? Too bad—the TSA classifies both as weapons.
Want to pull a rabbit out of a hat? Too bad—you’ll need a 30-page bunny evacuation plan first.
Want to look up a word in your elementary school classroom? Too bad—the school board banned the dictionary.
There is nothing so dumb that some officials somewhere won’t think it’s a good idea—and there’s no good idea they can’t turn into something dumb. They’ll start with a reasonable concept, like requiring a permit to dam up a creek. But turn your back for five minutes, and next thing you know they’re sending cease and desist letters to beavers.
And if there’s anything dumber than the people who govern us, it’s the election process we use to pick them. As Fox News’ Shep Smith once said: “Politics is weird. And creepy. And now I know lacks even the loosest attachment to anything like reality.”
It leaves us all wondering at one time or another: Why do we do this to ourselves? Why do we hold these stupid contests to pick these stupid people to create these stupid rules?
The answer, sadly, is that as dumb as our governments may seem to be, we, the governed, are just as dumb.
Yes, it’s dumb that you can’t bring a nail clipper on a plane. But how dumb is it that every week airport officials catch dozens of Americans trying to bring loaded weapons onto planes? It’s not like the rules are secret. Bringing a gun on a plane is stupid.
But we just can’t stop doing it, just like we can’t stop doing the ten thousand other foolish things we do every day.
And that’s the root of so much government stupidity: officials have to come up with rules and policies that work for everyone, not just the smart people.
The intentions are usually good. But from the highest offices in Washington to the smallest town councils, officials are human too. It’s not that they’re trying to be dumb—they just end up looking that way because of their blind adherence to rules, panicky overreaction to threats, or desperate attempts to stay in power.
That can lead to some pretty ugly stuff–and some pretty funny stuff too. So as you enjoy these tales of our dumb elected officials, remember that what you’re doing is good for democracy. When the government hears you laughing, it knows you’re watching.
Science can be a crime. That’s what Kiera Wilmot found out when she mixed toilet bowl cleaner and aluminum foil in a plastic bottle at her high school in the town of Bartow, Florida. Expecting some smoke, the aspiring chemist found to her surprise that the combination produced a small “bang.”
It also produced another unexpected result: she was handcuffed, arrested on felony weapons charges, expelled from school and sent to the local juvenile assessment center.
Wilmot’s case drew national attention, and while the school held its ground for a few days, a barrage of online petitions and national coverage changed their tune.
In the end, not only were the charges against Wilmot dropped, but supporters also raised thousands of dollars to send her to a University of Alabama space camp.
Everyone’s familiar with the hyper-protective school boards that ban books because of sexy scenes or controversial language. But few can match the visionary leaders of the Menifee Union School District in California, who decided that the best way to handle certain words was to ban the dictionary.
Following a parent’s complaint, the sharp-eyed administrators discovered that the Merriam-Webster dictionaries used in elementary classrooms contained a definition for “oral sex.” That was enough to trigger the ban, but school officials promised they’d keep looking for more dirt: “It’s hard to sit and read the dictionary, but we’ll be looking to find other things of a graphic nature,” a district spokesperson said.
Fortunately, good sense prevailed, and a district committee reversed the ban. However, the district has promised to provide “alternate dictionaries” for the children of any parents who find Merriam-Webster a bit too racy.
—SOURCE: THEGUARDIAN.COM
If you think there’s anything new about trivial, fluff-stuffed political campaigns, consider the experience of the late Dr. Barry Commoner, a pioneering ecologist who ran for president in 1980.
Commoner wanted to make environmental concerns an issue in the race but had little luck. “The peak of the campaign happened in Albuquerque,” he later recalled, “where a local reporter said to me, ‘Dr. Commoner, are you a serious candidate or are you just running on the issues?’ ”
—SOURCE: NYTIMES.COM
“Missippi’s Literacy Program Shows Improvement.”
—ASSOCIATED PRESS
You’ve heard about Seal Team Six? Well, meet Fawn Team Thirteen. That’s how many armed government agents it took to take down a baby deer that was living in an animal shelter in Wisconsin.
The fawn—chillingly dubbed Giggles—was orphaned and brought to the shelter by a worried family. Shelter managers planned to transfer it to a wildlife preserve, but before they could, someone reported them for illegally housing a wild animal.
In response, state wildlife officials staked out the shelter, documented the deer’s habits with aerial photographs, presented a detailed case to a judge, and obtained a warrant authorizing a covert operation to capture and eliminate the dangerous beast.
That led to a daring daytime raid, in which nine state wildlife officials and four sheriff’s deputies—all “armed to the teeth,” according to witnesses—surprised the shelter workers, corralled them in a corner, surrounded Giggles’s hideout (known to locals as “the barn”), and, after a short but no doubt terrifying battle, brought the doomed fawn out in a body bag.
“That’s our policy,” one agent told a worker as agents carried Giggles away.
“That’s a hell of a policy,” the worker replied.
Government officials could have called ahead and asked them about the fawn, but apparently the situation was much too dangerous. “If a sheriff’s department is going in to do a search warrant on a drug bust, they don’t call them and ask them to voluntarily surrender their marijuana,” an official said.
But Wisconsin governor Scott Walker felt differently, ordering officials to review their procedures: “I don’t ever want to see something like that again,” he said.
Florida governor Rick Scott meant well. According to Reuters, he wanted to give state residents a hotline for information about an outbreak of deadly meningitis.
But instead of reliable public health information, callers heard a sultry woman’s voice: “Hello, boys.”
Turns out Scott had given out the number for a phone sex business. He wasn’t the first to make that kind of mistake, either; according to the Huffington Post, a Wisconsin state senator once miswrote his office number in a newsletter that sent voters to an adult chat line. Not everyone supports that kind of constituent service, but it’s sure to win at least a few votes.
“I was panicked a bit because I really don’t know about the Cuban Missile Crisis. It had to do with Cuba and missiles, I’m pretty sure.”
—FORMER WHITE HOUSE PRESS SECRETARY DANA PERINO, EXPLAINING AN ANSWER SHE GAVE ON THE SUBJECT IN A PRESS CONFERENCE
“John, I don’t think we pick who we room with here.”
—DEMOCRAT BILL DEWEESE TO REPUBLICAN JOHN PERZEL, AFTER THEY BECAME CELL MATES IN STATE PRISON. ONCE FIERCE RIVALS, THE PENNSYLVANIA LEGISLATORS WERE BOTH BUSTED FOR CORRUPTION
“Let me be perfectly ‘frank.’ This is one of my favorite traditions. I ‘relish’ it so much … who wrote this @#$%?”
—NEW YORK CITY MAYOR MICHAEL BLOOMBERG, READING A JUNIOR SPEECHWRITER’S BAD PUNS FOR A CONEY ISLAND HOT–DOG EATING CONTEST
“We just had to use whatever heads we had lying around.”
—THE CREATORS OF HBO’S SERIES GAME OF THRONES, WHICH USED A LIKENESS OF GEORGE W. BUSH FOR A SCENE THAT FEATURED A NUMBER OF SEVERED HEADS ON SPIKES
“You also left me a really good TV sports package. I use it.”
—PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA, THANKING HIS PREDECESSOR, GEORGE W. BUSH
“I stand by what I said, whatever it was.”
—PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE MITT ROMNEY, EXPLAINING A PREVIOUS QUOTE ON A CONTROVERSIAL ISSUE
“I keep hearing about Tumblr. Whatever that is, please use it too.”
—OBAMA CAMPAIGN OFFICIAL STEPHANIE CUTTER, GIVING GUIDANCE TO SUPPORTERS
I sold an item through eBay but it got lost in the mail. So I stopped by my local post office and asked them to track it down. “It’s not that simple,” the clerk scolded. “You have to fill out a mail-loss form before we can initiate a search.” “Okay,” I said. “I’ll take one.”
He rummaged under his counter, then went to some other clerks who did the same—only to return and confess, “You’ll have to come back later. We can’t find the forms.”
—DOREEN L. ROGERS
The city of Cedar Rapids, Iowa, wanted a smartphone app that would allow citizens to easily report trash piles and other civic eyesores. But they got more laughs than they bargained for when they called it the “CR App.”
To their credit, officials stuck with the name despite the good-natured ribbing—any publicity is good publicity, and the new crap-app was quickly downloaded by more than one thousand users. “We have no intention of changing the name of the app,” a spokesperson said. “If the nickname gets more people to download and use it, that’s great.”
SOURCE: CEDAR RAPIDS GAZETTE
Thomas Tolbert of New Mexico was convinced that elections are riddled with fraud, and he set out to prove it by registering his dog to vote. Tolbert used a fake social security number to sign up his black lab, and soon got a registration card in the mail for “Buddy” Tolbert. But after he went on TV to tell the story, election officials announced they were investigating him for voter fraud. Tolbert says he just wanted to show how weak the system is, and he certainly found a weak spot.
—SOURCE: THESMOKINGGUN.COM
Do you remember what happened November 4, 2008? Took out the trash. Walked the dog. Voted for the 44th President of the United States.
That last one was pretty big news to a lot of people, but not to the publisher of the Sapulpa (Oklahoma) Daily Herald. His paper made no mention of the election in its November 5 edition, other than to note that John McCain won the county.
His rationale? The paper is focused on local news, he said. Of his readers and the elections? “I’m sure they watched it on TV.”
—READER’S DIGEST
Marty Hahne—a.k.a. Marty the Magician—had just finished his show at a library in Missouri when a mysterious figure emerged from the crowd. “Show me your license,” the stranger said.
“License for … ? asked the surprised entertainer.
“For the rabbit,” said the stranger who was from the Department of Agriculture, enforcing a new regulation requiring Hahne to provide a “disaster plan” to protect his three-pound Netherland Dwarf rabbit from fires, floods, air-conditioning failures, and other acts of God or the electric company.
Hahne had no choice but to comply. He already had the proper rabbit license. But now he also has a 28-page disaster plan and he must also submit a detailed itinerary any time he travels with the rabbit.
All of this springs from a set of laws designed to protect circus animals and other hard-working, often-abused beasts. The real irony is that if Hahne would just periodically eat his rabbits, he wouldn’t need any paperwork at all—animals raised as food are exempt from such rules. “I can kill the rabbit right in front of you,” Hahne said. “But I can’t take it across the street to the birthday party.”
“City Unsure Why the Sewer Smells”
—SOUTH HAVEN TRIBUNE
During the 1974 congressional race, a new candidate was challenging the incumbent in our Iowa district. One of the party loyalists took him to a meeting of farmers.
At the proper time, the loyalist read off the new candidate’s qualifications—native Iowan, graduate of an Ivy League college, successful businessman, State Department staffer, member of the U.S. team in crucial negotiations with the Soviet Union, and on and on.
One older farmer who had remained silent through the whole presentation finally indicated that he’d like to talk. Without rising, he stated directly without emotion: “Seems to me it would be a mistake to send this man to Washington.”
And then after pausing, he added: “We ought to keep him around for breeding purposes.”
—MARTHA PINDER
Many Texas legislators consider it a good thing that their state is far and away the nation’s most aggressive user of the death penalty.
In fact, for some, the problem is that the system is entirely too merciful.
That’s why they’ve chosen to eliminate the traditional “last meal” for the condemned. “It is extremely inappropriate,” said State Senator John Whitmire, “to give a person sentenced to death such a privilege. Enough is enough.”
What triggered this sudden reversal of a centuries-old tradition?
It appears to have been the cheek of convicted murderer Lawrence Russell Brewer, whose last meal request included two chicken-fried steaks, a triple-meat bacon cheeseburger, a cheese omelet, a pound of barbecue, a half-loaf of bread, a meat-lover’s pizza, an order of fajitas, fried okra with ketchup, a hunk of peanut butter fudge, a pint of Blue Bell ice cream, and three root beers.
The punch line: Brewer didn’t eat any of it. That final poke in the system’s eye reportedly infuriated Whitmire. “He wasted a lot of food and a lot of money,” the legislator said angrily.
Condemned inmates will now receive the same meals as everyone else, even on their last day above ground. “Sure,” said one wit, “leave it to one guy to screw it up for everyone else.”
—SOURCE: THEGUARDIAN.COM
When Michigan officials say, “No building without a permit,” that’s exactly what they mean—and they don’t care who you are.
That’s what Stephen Tvedten found out when he saw a letter from state officials demanding that he “cease and desist” the construction of two dams on his property.
Trouble was, it wasn’t Tvedten building the dams—it was a family of beavers.
Fortunately, the state dropped its concerns once an investigator examined the situation more closely. “It probably would have been a good idea to do the inspection before we sent the notice,” one official said.
—SOURCE: SNOPES.COM
“No shame in my game. I’ve sent that out to other women, sure.”
—WADE MCCREE, A MICHIGAN JUDGE WHO SENT A SHIRTLESS PICTURE OF HIMSELF TO A FEMALE BAILIFF, WHOSE HUSBAND WAS NOT AMUSED
“Every citizen has a right to tell their elected officials to go fornicate themselves.”
—JIM KENNEY, A PHILADELPHIA CITY COUNCILMAN, IN A TESTY TWITTER SPAT WITH A LOCAL CONSTITUENT KNOWN AS “THE MOLEMAN”
“The first lesson you learn as a pollster is that people are stupid.”
—POLLSTER TOM JENSEN
“We were dead in the water until Victoria’s Secret showed up.”
—CAPTAIN BRENDAN GENDRON OF THE NEW YORK NATIONAL GUARD, WHOSE ELECTRIC GENERATORS DIED DURING HURRICANE SANDY. THE LINGERIE COMPANY DONATED EIGHT LARGE GENERATORS IT HAD STORED NEARBY FOR AN UPCOMING FASHION SHOW; WIRED.COM
“It was certainly spectacular, but not the way we intended.”
—SANDY PURDON, PRODUCER OF SAN DIEGO’S ANNUAL FIREWORKS SHOW, AFTER SIXTEEN MINUTES’ WORTH OF FIREWORKS ACCIDENTALLY WENT OFF IN THIRTY SECONDS
“If somebody’s dumb enough to ask me to go to a political convention and say something, they’re gonna have to take what they get.”
—CLINT EASTWOOD, AFTER MAKING HEADLINES FOR STAGING A SOLILOQUY WITH AN EMPTY CHAIR AT THE 2012 REPUBLICAN NATIONAL CONVENTION
“Reporters Return to Tibet after Rioting”
—DAILY CAMERA (BOULDER, CO)
Does anybody care about spelling anymore? In Virginia, almost 1,500 students at a state university recently received diplomas from the “State of Virgina.” (The same diploma misspelled the word thereto as therto.) Officials apologized and blamed a software upgrade.
On the other hand, with so much to print for so many, it’s not surprising that the occasional typo slips past government copy editors. Some recent notables:
—SOURCE: FOX NEWS
— SOURCE: GAWKER
—SOURCE: WOKV.COM
—SOURCE: THE GUARDIAN
—SOURCE: LIZARDPRINCESSBEADS.BLOGSPOT.COM
—THE GUARDIAN
—SOURCE: THE GUARDIAN
Is there any agency that draws more accusations of institutional stupidity than the Transportation Security Administration?
Created in the wake of 9/11, it was perhaps inevitable that the agency should become fertile new ground for dumb. It has everything a government bureaucracy needs to be really, really annoying, including:
All this combined means that in the years since it was founded, TSA agents have been accused of stealing money, groping privates, harassing toddlers and the elderly, breaking medical devices, leaving nasty notes in luggage, pestering travelers about breast milk and prosthetic limbs—the list goes on and on and leads to headlines like:
—SOURCE: BOINGBOING.NET
—SOURCE: WASHINGTON.CBSLOCAL.COM
—SOURCE: ABCNEWS.GO.COM
—SOURCE: RAWSTORY.COM
However, for all their missteps, they still catch a lot of stuff that shouldn’t be anywhere near a plane. In one recent week alone, the TSA discovered 49 firearms (36 loaded), 8 stun guns,4 fake grenades, a key ring shaped like a detonator, a cane sword, a lipstick knife, various blades and pointy devices, and “a gag retirement gift designed to look like an improvised explosive device.”
So it looks like the TSA is with us to stay. But as long as it is, we’ll get stories of bureaucratic bungles like these:
—SOURCE: NYDAILYNEWS.COM
—SOURCE: NBCDFW.COM
—SOURCE: BOINGBOING.NET
“The number of US. citizens who died in terrorist attacks increased by two between 2010 and 2011; overall, a comparable number of Americans are crushed to death by their televisions or furniture each year.”
—IMPORTANT NEWS FROM THE GOVERNMENT’S NATIONAL COUNTERTERRORISM CENTER
“I responded in what I thought was the most truthful, or least untruthful manner.”
—JAMES CLAPPER, DIRECTOR OF NATIONAL INTELLIGENCE EXPLAINING A SOMEWHAT MISLEADING ANSWER TO AN EARLIER QUESTION
“I used to say at meetings, ‘The illegal we do immediately; the unconstitutional takes a little longer.’ ”
—FORMER SECRETARY OF STATE HENRY KISSINGER, IN A 1975 CONVERSATION WITH THREE DIPLOMATS
“I’ve heard of people being killed playing Ping-Pong—Ping-Pongs are more dangerous than guns.”
—TEXAS LEGISLATOR KYLE KACAL, EXPLAINING HIS OPPOSITION TO A BILL THAT˛WOULD REQUIRE OWNERS TO SECURE ASSAULT WEAPONS
“It had nothing to do with their voting record … it had to do with their inability to work with other members, which some people might refer to as the ‘a**hole factor.’ ”
—LESLIE SHEDD, SPOKESPERSON FOR A GEORGIA CONGRESSWOMAN, ON WHY SOME YOUNGER COLLEAGUES HAD LOST THEIR COMMITTEE ASSIGNMENTS
“There ought to be a law against what I’m doing.”
—SEAN O’BYRNE, A BUSINESS LEADER IN KANSAS CITY, DISCUSSING THE TAX BREAKS AND OTHER INCENTIVES THAT BUSINESSES GET FROM LOCAL GOVERNMENT
“Governor: Innocent Man Freed After 18 Years Shows Justice System Works”
—LUBBOCK AVALANCHE-JOURNAL
“We’re working hard to reduce the deficit, not expand it … Why would we spend countless taxpayer dollars on a Death Star with a fundamental flaw that can be exploited by a one-man starship?”
—THE OBAMA ADMINISTRATION’S OFFICIAL RESPONSE TO AN ONLINE PETITION REQUESTING THAT IT BUILD A DEATH STAR
“I am sorry to disappoint you. However, no program or action in relation to mythical animals is warranted.”
—A NEW YORK STATE WILDLIFE OFFICIAL RESPONDING TO A PROPOSED BAN ONBIGFOOT HUNTING
“Federal law still says marijuana is an illegal drug, so don’t break out the Cheetos or Goldfish too quickly.”
—COLORADO GOVERNOR JOHN HICKENLOOPER, AFTER VOTERS IN HIS STATE LEGALIZED RECREATIONAL MARIJUANA USE
“We can hardly sit in judgment of your losing $2 billion. We lose twice that every day in Washington.”
—SENATOR JIM DEMINT TO WALL STREET TITAN JAMIE DIMON, CEO OF JPMORGAN CHASE, WHOSE FIRM WAS FACING $7 BILLION IN FINES FOR VARIOUS FINANCIAL MISDEEDS
“What’s a pretty girl like you doing reading those?”
—NEW YORK CITY COUNCIL CANDIDATE ED HARTZOG, ANSWERING A REPORTER WHO ASKED ABOUT HIS CAMPAIGN FINANCE REPORTS
“I love the fact that the guy is rich.”
—PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE HERMAN CAIN, ON HIS FELLOW CANDIDATE MITT ROMNEY
Some headlines demand attention: “California DMV Renews Blind Man’s License.” The good news is, the man has no intention of driving. Mark Overland is a legally blind lawyer who can see only a small spot directly in front of him—everything else is a blur. He wanted to test the state’s ability to weed out people like himself.
So he had his daughter lead him into the testing zone (he decided that using a white cane would be just a little too obvious), where he almost failed because he couldn’t find the chart he was supposed to be reading.
But with the help of his daughter and a DMV agent, he found the test and passed it. Two weeks later he got his license in the mail, and publicized his story. Officials had no explanation for the screwup—but they acknowledged that Overland should, in fact, stay off the road. Fortunately, he gave up driving fifteen years ago.
—SOURCE: LATIMES.COM
Try finding work like this in the private sector: “The city of New York is looking to hire someone to encourage breast-feeding in parts of Brooklyn. Annual salary: $73,000.”
—SOURCE: GOTHAMIST.COM
